I am really confused on my gender identity and could use some help

[Cheddar23334]

I am a biological female. When I was a lot younger I "fit" into that gender identity perfectly. However, in the last years I haven't. I have felt disconnected. I chopped my hair because I didnt like it long, I started stealing my brother's clothing, and recently, when I have started cosplaying, i have binded my chest. I like how I look without breasts. I am weirdly really happy about it. I have also found myself wanting someone to look at me and how I dress and act and to think "male" and I'm not sure why. I dont know if it is just a phase, as my younger self's love of dresses and barbies. And I would really appreciate some help on this. I've been mulling it over in my head for forever.

[Silverwolf13]

You may be trans. That feeling of extreme happiness may be a good indicator. You may be non-binary. I am cis so I may not be the best person to help. I only wanted to comment that it shouldn't matter if it ends up being a phase. That doesn't invalidate how you feel now. As many people have said through out the trans discussion gender is fluid, not set in stone. If you are male now, that is what you are. Doesn't matter what you liked/loved in the past. Doesn't matter what you may feel in the future. Just be who you are now. 

[Maeve]

I'm gender expansive as well, so understand a bit about what you're going through. Gender can be fluid (not everyone experiences it this way, but it sounds like you do), so I agree that you shouldn't worry too much if things are changing. It might be that you'll settle into a gender identity and feel like that for the rest of your life or you may always experience this fluidity. It's all okay - it's all you  

 

For myself, I eventually settled into a happy gender balance, so I don't outwardly express as very fluid anymore but do still inwardly experience gender fluidity. 

 

Some other terms you may want to explore:

 

genderfluid

genderflux

genderqueer 

gender nonconforming

 

One thing to note is that some use "trans" as an umbrella or catch-all term to mean anything that's not cis. Not everyone does this, though. Some use "trans" to refer specifically to someone who identifies as one end of the binary but was assigned the opposite end of the binary at birth (as in, a trans woman who identifies as female but was assigned male at birth or vice-versa). Just something to be aware of when people use that word. 

 

Hope this helps! You do you 😁

[Bloc]

9 hours ago, Cheddar23334 said:

I am a biological female. When I was a lot younger I "fit" into that gender identity perfectly. However, in the last years I haven't. I have felt disconnected. I chopped my hair because I didnt like it long, I started stealing my brother's clothing, and recently, when I have started cosplaying, i have binded my chest. I like how I look without breasts. I am weirdly really happy about it. I have also found myself wanting someone to look at me and how I dress and act and to think "male" and I'm not sure why. I dont know if it is just a phase, as my younger self's love of dresses and barbies. And I would really appreciate some help on this. I've been mulling it over in my head for forever.

I am coming from the "other end". It took me a long time to allow myself wearing "feminine" clothing, but the euphoria when I did the first time was incredible. I am incorporating it now in my everyday outfit and it just feels right. Also got comments from old friends that I look more like myself now. I would really enjoy it being read as female or not being read as any gender.

 

I don't know if it is phase, but just do what feels right for you. The sense of gender may be fluid. I've learned from persons who's sense of gender changed more than once over decades, like they experienced themselve as male for several years and female for several years and this changed a few times, and their sense of gender is 100% valid. As well if it is you realizing that female is not right for you and it just took a long time to realize. Genderfluidity can also be on a much shorter time scale like days. I think, the idea that you always know your gender even if you have been assigned a different at birth is just wrong and harms many people.

[Luftschlosseule]

I want to add that while it is nice to finally have the label that fits, you're in no rush. You can take all the time you want to figure this out.
For me, it helped greatly to read other people's accounts and then ponder over them.

[Akmenos]

On 3/25/2019 at 6:56 PM, Cheddar23334 said:

I have felt disconnected. I chopped my hair because I didnt like it long, I started stealing my brother's clothing, and recently, when I have started cosplaying, i have binded my chest. I like how I look without breasts. I am weirdly really happy about it. I have also found myself wanting someone to look at me and how I dress and act and to think "male" and I'm not sure why.

Just by hearing your description, you may be a transgender male. However, only you can tell in the end. This "feeling disconnected" is a good indicator of gender dysphoria, and the "weirdly happy" part is a good indicator of gender euphoria. I'm a trans guy myself, so I know exactly how you feel. Especially the part where I liked barbies and dresses when I was young, like you. That discouraged me a lot from realizing my true gender identity. I want you to know that that past does not show who you are right now. People change, and their interests and likes change. It has nothing to do with who you are. I'll tell you how I found out I was trans. Maybe it'll help you. (Every experience is different and unique, though) During a time when I was alone and no one could hear me, I tried telling myself "I am a girl." My instant reaction was wincing, and a feeling of discomfort. Then I tried telling myself "I am a boy." My emotions immediately told me, "Yup. That's it." I recommend you try that, and see if your gut can tell you. Always trust your gut. Good luck! If you ever need support, let me know.