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Yolo

Advice for dating an asexual

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Yolo
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Hey guys! So I'm dating an asexual girl, she told me as soon as we met that she was asexual and I had no problem with it but now we've been dating for about 7 months and we have both compromised to have sex once a month the problem  is that sometimes it takes her 2 months to be in the mood I respect  it and before I try to do anything I ask her if she's comfortable with what we're doing. The problem is that I'm not getting all the sex that I need (since for me it's more about the connection rather than for the sex) sometimes i feel disconnected and want to more of that connection. Is it possible to ask for more? I really love her and dont want to lose her but my needs aren't being met

Edited by Yolo

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Silverwolf13

I've been on the other side of this relationship, but our frequency was at about 1 a week. I was told then that it wasn't enough and he saw it as me not loving him. Yes, you can have an open discussion about the frequency of sex between you two. Make sure to relay to her it's not about the sex but the connection. Though you have to understand that it may not be possible for her to have sex more frequently. There may be a multitude of reasons she doesn't want sex more often then that, which you seem to be respectful of. If it is impossible to increase the frequency of sex try and talk of other ways you can feel that connection. Connection can be felt through a large number of ways and you may need to do some personal thinking on ways you might feel connected that aren't sex. Cuddling and talking, I have found, is a great way to feel that connection. As long as she is comfortable with that physical touch. (If you are going to cuddle make sure your touch doesn't turn sexual, it can cause her to associate cuddling with sex and cause her the same discomfort) Or doing special weekend day trips together also works because you are spending one on one time together without the distractions of home.  You both can work together to find other activities that give you the feeling of connection. 

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anisotrophic

@Yolo Have you asked if she's willing to hold you while you masturbate?

 

Not everyone's cup of tea, but I'm floating ideas of sexual intimacy for you that are flexible...

 

I think if my partner couldn't do this much for me, I'd feel bad because it would feel like my sexuality is something they dislike about me. I can't change my sexuality any more than they can change theirs...

 

I think it's fair to want to be loved for who I am, and I want to love them for who they are.

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ryn2
9 hours ago, anisotrophic said:

it would feel like my sexuality is something they dislike about me.

That’s a really interesting point.  For some of those those who post here - both ace and sexual - it really *does* sound like their partners’ sexuality (or asexuality) is something they dislike about them.

 

Not “I wish we were more compatible” but “I wish you weren’t [sexuality].”

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Traveler40
2 hours ago, ryn2 said:

That’s a really interesting point.  For some of those those who post here - both ace and sexual - it really *does* sound like their partners’ sexuality (or asexuality) is something they dislike about them.

 

Not “I wish we were more compatible” but “I wish you weren’t [sexuality].”

That’s sadly spot on.  While I didn’t know or understand my husband as asexual for the first 15 years, I clearly was living it. Since understanding, and plowing through the education, there has been this sense of “I wish it wasn’t so!” 

 

The sense of permanency and loss of perennial hope almost slayed me. Fooling yourself can last longer than one imagines and that sense of potential keeps the greater relationship alive.  It’s unhappy at the core, but possible to live in that space for years, if not life.

 

My husband’s asexuality, or my sexuality (the mismatch), has been  devastating to our lives.  Yes, I’d wish it away if I could. Honestly, I don’t like it.

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Traveler40

To the OP @Yolo, it’s never going to get better.  In fact, it will likely only get worse.  Knowing what you do, my advice would be to cut bait and run.

 

You know about this now, you’re seeking advice here and seem young.  If it’s hard at the moment, please understand that the difficulty only intensifies with time.  Why accept a half life?  You’re currently eyes open, it’s not working and you are here quite early on (As opposed to 15 years later with 2 kids and a shared history). The writing is on the wall, no?

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Chimeric
On 3/25/2019 at 4:47 PM, Yolo said:

The problem is that I'm not getting all the sex that I need (since for me it's more about the connection rather than for the sex) sometimes i feel disconnected and want to more of that connection. Is it possible to ask for more? I really love her and dont want to lose her but my needs aren't being met

The inherent problem here is that your needs come at the cost of her needs. For sexual folks, sex is about the connection; for asexual folks, the connection is about not having sex.

 

I'm not saying this to guilt you out of asking for more - you should definitely keep that line of communication open, and it's never wrong to talk about things that you need in the context of a loving relationship. Just be aware of and prepared for the distress this may cause.

 

It is possible for sexual and asexual people to have a long-term, loving, fulfilling relationship (I'm the sexual in mine), but the safest assumption to make is that sex is off the table, forever, and then to figure things out from there.

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SCPDX

With the situation you’re in now and in the future, you shouldn’t be asking for more. That’s because you’ll be too busy trying to keep what you have now from going to zero. 

 

However and whenever it arises, a big disparity in libido will insert a big chunk of misery into a relationship. While in theory, it would be nice for that misery to be spread out equally, in reality, the majority (if not all) of that misery is going to fall on the higher libido partner. 

 

If you’re seven months in and you’re at this point, it’s never going to get better. And can get a lot worse. When my wife and I had been dating seven months, there was no indication that she had an aversion to sex. 

 

Ten years later, she began shutting down sex. We’re deep in our third year of celibate marriage and now she’s going after pretty much all affection (she’s as affectionate to me as she is to her brother).

 

Unless you want all that to happen, I’d break up, stay friends, and meet someone else. 

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anamikanon
On 3/26/2019 at 6:00 PM, ryn2 said:

For some of those those who post here - both ace and sexual - it really *does* sound like their partners’ sexuality (or asexuality) is something they dislike about them.

I can't deny this. I absolutely hate it that my ace is asexual. It has invariably meant choosing between crappy options for me. I suppose he thinks similarly about me. We both love each other, but there are aspects of each other that make things quite hard. Asexuality, alexithymia (emotional blindness), anxiety disorder.... together make a brutal combination for lack of connect unless we are talking specifically AND my natural disengagement from giving up trying also resulting in distress for him. There is no right answer and I end up being constantly aware of him - both as someone intimately unavailable for the most part as well as someone who will be hurt if I get distant because of that. I love him lots, but life would be way simpler without barriers.

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anamikanon

As for advice for dating an asexual - DON'T.

 

If you are sexually frustrated right now, what do you imagine you are going to be feeling several years down the line? If you are sexual and intentionally dating an asexual, you are asking for misery. And it isn't exactly going to be pleasant for your ace either to KNOW that she can't meet important needs you have. And the more frustrated you get, the more she is going to feel stressed about expectations she isn't comfortable with.

 

Compromising when you are already committed to a relationship that is otherwise very good except for one or few areas of mismatch makes sense. Beginning with a serious compromise does not. You are only asking for trouble down the line.

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ryn2
3 hours ago, anamikanon said:

Compromising when you are already committed to a relationship that is otherwise very good except for one or few areas of mismatch makes sense. Beginning with a serious compromise does not. You are only asking for trouble down the line.

This.  A comparable example would be one partner coming to the realization they don’t (or do - whatever’s opposite of what both partners have been expecting all along) want kids years into an otherwise solid, happy relationship, versus a couple that knows from the start that one wants kids and the other doesn’t but figures they can work it out somehow.

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