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WanderingKate

You Might Be Aromantic If....Signs of Aromanticism

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WanderingKate

Hi all, 

Recently I've been really struggling with and pondering my romantic orientation, and I came across this really great list of signs of aromanticism, and wow...a lot of them really clicked and clarified things for me. Since it's been so helpful to me, I figured I'd share it here in case it could be helpful for others: 

 

https://anagnori.tumblr.com/post/69145328274/you-might-be-aromantic-if

 

The signs that really clicked with me: 

 

17. You don’t understand why people do ridiculous, irrational or over-the-top things in the name of love.

This one really clicks with me, since I realized I mostly saw marriage as something people did for companionship and financial security, I couldn't understand my friends who fell in love with criminals and drug addicts and defended them or supported them financially because they loved them...it just never made sense. Or my uncle who dropped everything to move across the country to live with my now aunt....I wouldn't even entertain the idea. A lot of my friends thought it was so sweet and romantic...I just thought it was a poor decision and wondered if he weighed his pros and cons. What about the friends and job he was leaving behind? 

 

18. You don’t understand why finding someone sexually/aesthetically attractive would lead you to want a committed relationship with them.

This one absolutely. I experience aesthetic attraction fairly frequently and all throughout high school had a very strong aesthetic attraction on one boy in particular...but I can't ever remember EVER wanting to date him. When prom came around, I remember wanting my best friend's friend to ask me, because I knew him somewhat and it would be less awkward....the thought of asking this beautiful guy, or wanting him to ask me, didn't cross my mind. It just never clicked that because I thought he was beautiful I should want him to ask me to dinner or to a dance.....never happened. I simply liked to watch him.

 

22. Getting a romantic partner feels more like fulfilling an obligation, or something you’re supposed to do, than something you’re really enthusiastic about.

This was a big one, and also how I felt about losing my virginity. It felt like a milestone to get over to officially become an adult, and that if I graduated college without ever dating I would be labelled as an undesirable weirdo by all my family and friends. When I think about marrying someday, again I would consider it for financial security and companionship...but I certainly don't dream about being swept off my feet or anything like that. 

 

24. A likable person suggests having a romantic relationship with you, and you’re indifferent to it - you’re open to trying it, but you won’t get disappointed without it. Other people may find your indifference bizarre or think you’re giving off mixed messages

Yup. Definitely this. I've never had the strong "this is what I really want feeling" when asked out, just a "sure, I might as well try it!" 

 

28. You’re more excited by making a new best friend than by falling in love.

I remember getting my first boyfriend was MUCH less exciting than meeting my best friend. 

 

29. You wouldn’t mind marrying your best friend and spending your life with them, even though you’re not in love with them.

THIS. This was perhaps my first real tip that I was not exactly romantic in the normal sense. I lived with my best friend for one year during college, and I absolutely loved it. Life was perfect...we went to dinner every night together or cooked, watched movies late into the night, and just talked from across the room before going to bed, and we were both introverts so we understood each other's needs for personal space too. I remember thinking that I could do this forever, and I wish I could ask her to be my platonic partner of sorts, and just live with me forever....but alas she was hetero and wanted a boyfriend. Still I remember thinking that just living with her and having her as a companion was all I wanted. She was a lot of fun to talk to and spend time with and gave me my space, and was a good listener...that's all I want in a person. I remember thinking perhaps this is what a "crush" is...but I never wanted to "date" her or kiss her or anything. I really liked when she played with my hair from time to time, but that's about it. I realized what I want in a partner is literally just a best friend who is a good listener and who I'm comfortable with to spend time with and talk to. And I would have been more than happy to marry and live with my best friend forever. I was scared of this thought at the time and thought it meant I must be gay, but now I know it's just who I am :)

 

So that's how I feel I guess :) Has anyone else seen this list before and identify with anything here? Hopefully you guys find it helpful too :)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Pringles

Aaaaah get out of my head! 

But thank you for sharing this 😄

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Galactic Turtle

Yup. I actually stumbled upon the term nonamory from that same blog today which (along with nonsexual) describes me best. 

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blueheroness

Great list!!  I'm squealing with how much it sounds like me!  Haha

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HonoraryJedi

I read the list, and a few of these click for me. Like 4. And I've been 20 for a long time. Not gotten into a romantic relationship simply because I didn't care. Then 21, 23 and 26 drove me to seek help on this forum originally, and 27 was completely true. That bit of the list just feels like reading a summary of my only romantic relationship! The situation that in the end made me figure that yeah, I probably count as aro. 31 and 32 absolutely.

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Lucky Black Cat

This list is pretty relatable to how I feel. I've been questioning if I'm aromantic for awhile since I don't seem to be able to feel romantically attached to anyone. I'll probably wander around and explore it further, but now I'm almost sure that I am aromantic....  thanks for sharing this list, it's made things seem a little clearer to me 😊 

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Ytterbium

Huh, I might be even less romantic than I thought.

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vampirediaries5

Hey I'm Vampirediaries5 and recently i have been struggling to figure out of I'm aromantic or not. The thought of being in a relationship doesn't gross me out but it doesn't seem like something for me. When I was in grade 6, I had romantic fantasies of my crush and I. Like kissing and dating him and i remember thinking it was normal to have a crush, i thought i really liked him. I didn't know what aromantic was at the time. I eventually realized that I didn't actually have any romantic feelings for him at all and just wanted to be close to him. I also value friendships more I do romantic relationships. i prefer to have close relations with a friend then to find my "soulmate". I have never liked anybody romantically in this world ever. I have been thinking about this for a while now and I'm very confused. I don't know anyone going through the same thing so nobody would really get how I'm feeling. I need some advice. 

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HonoraryJedi

Well, if it is any consolation @vampirediaries5, that is almost exactly what happened to me. I don't know about advice though. It is ok to seek close friendships and not be all that into the romance. Don't get into relationships you don't want.

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vampirediaries5

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arani86

So...I mean I knew I was sorta aromantic, I also used to think of myself as homoromantic...but always knew it was more complex than that. I clicked on this list expecting to identify with three or four of these things maybe...

3, 4, 7, 10, 11, 21-32, 34, 38-43, and 45. That's half of those indicators that I identify with. I guess I kind of thought more of those things were typical of alloromantics. Or more pointedly, I may have been in denial about how these things related to  me. Which is in line with how I was so in denial about being asexual that I spent years as a sex positive erotic model and porn actor before finally admitting to be asexual all along. Awkward. 

Hm. Perhaps this pattern of denial is also how I wound up in a committed romantic relationship with a self identified succubus. (Not sure how to handle this ongoing issue...)

It probably should have tipped me off when my friends thought I was weird when they were sharing their sexual and romantic fantasies and I started talking about how I loved to fantasize about owning a cabin in the mountains where I would go to be alone and chop wood and drink tea and very very rarely I would bring a special friend who I could chop wood and drink tea with while we stared silently at nature, looked at constellations from our sleeping bags in my truck bed, or discussed contemporary literature and mythology over venison stew at the wood  stove. 🤣 Those conversations are fun! 

Alloromantic Friends: "I mean yeah, that sounds fun...but what about your ideal relationship?"
Me:  "Is that not...That was it...maybe there would be some cuddling or even a massage? 'Cause I'm sore from all the wood chopping? I would surprise my friend by trying out a new recipe or sharing a book...they would buy me new wool socks and boot laces for my birthday through Amazon Prime because they live in the next town over and NOT with me at my super awesome special private cabin." 
Them: "What about your sexual fantasies?" 
Me: "Oh! The ones where a super cute queer engages me in a conversation about the book I'm reading at a bar, buys me a beer, tells me I'm cute, walks me to my truck, then maybe we hug?" 

I then I collect blank stares for my scrapbook of bewildered expressions directed my way before I log into OKCupid and seek out yet another romantic partner to disappoint. 
Le sigh. I should stop that. 

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blueheroness
17 hours ago, arani86 said:

So...I mean I knew I was sorta aromantic, I also used to think of myself as homoromantic...but always knew it was more complex than that. I clicked on this list expecting to identify with three or four of these things maybe...

3, 4, 7, 10, 11, 21-32, 34, 38-43, and 45. That's half of those indicators that I identify with. I guess I kind of thought more of those things were typical of alloromantics. Or more pointedly, I may have been in denial about how these things related to  me. Which is in line with how I was so in denial about being asexual that I spent years as a sex positive erotic model and porn actor before finally admitting to be asexual all along. Awkward. 

Hm. Perhaps this pattern of denial is also how I wound up in a committed romantic relationship with a self identified succubus. (Not sure how to handle this ongoing issue...)

It probably should have tipped me off when my friends thought I was weird when they were sharing their sexual and romantic fantasies and I started talking about how I loved to fantasize about owning a cabin in the mountains where I would go to be alone and chop wood and drink tea and very very rarely I would bring a special friend who I could chop wood and drink tea with while we stared silently at nature, looked at constellations from our sleeping bags in my truck bed, or discussed contemporary literature and mythology over venison stew at the wood  stove. 🤣 Those conversations are fun! 

Alloromantic Friends: "I mean yeah, that sounds fun...but what about your ideal relationship?"
Me:  "Is that not...That was it...maybe there would be some cuddling or even a massage? 'Cause I'm sore from all the wood chopping? I would surprise my friend by trying out a new recipe or sharing a book...they would buy me new wool socks and boot laces for my birthday through Amazon Prime because they live in the next town over and NOT with me at my super awesome special private cabin." 
Them: "What about your sexual fantasies?" 
Me: "Oh! The ones where a super cute queer engages me in a conversation about the book I'm reading at a bar, buys me a beer, tells me I'm cute, walks me to my truck, then maybe we hug?" 

I then I collect blank stares for my scrapbook of bewildered expressions directed my way before I log into OKCupid and seek out yet another romantic partner to disappoint. 
Le sigh. I should stop that. 

Your cabin sounds awesome!  

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arani86

I'm actually considering selling my house (which needs to be rehabbed but I don't have the money to do it) and buying that cabin.

 

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dragon_cake

6. You’re not sure if you’ve ever had a crush on someone or fallen in love.

 

11. You thought crushes were something you consciously decided to have, and selected an acquaintance or celebrity to be your crush, because everyone else was doing it.

 

14. You have trouble relating, or feeling involved, when your friends discuss their romantic relationships or romantic feelings.

 

15. Falling in love doesn’t seem very exciting to you.

 

17. You don’t understand why people do ridiculous, irrational or over-the-top things in the name of love.

 

18. You don’t understand why finding someone sexually/aesthetically attractive would lead you to want a committed relationship with them.

 

20. You have never had a romantic relationship - not because you couldn’t get one, but because you just never really bothered to try, or you liked being single better.

 

23. Your romantic partners always seem to be way more into the lovey-dovey stuff than you are.

 

24. A likable person suggests having a romantic relationship with you, and you’re indifferent to it - you’re open to trying it, but you won’t get disappointed without it. Other people may find your indifference bizarre or think you’re giving off mixed messages.

 

25. You have felt guilty about not loving your romantic partner as much as they loved you, even though you sincerely cared about them and wanted to love them back.

 

26. You have felt suffocated, repressed or tense in a romantic relationship, even though you really liked your partner and they hadn’t done anything wrong.

 

28. You’re more excited by making a new best friend than by falling in love.

 

29. You wouldn’t mind marrying your best friend and spending your life with them, even though you’re not in love with them.

 

31. You want a best friend much more than you want a romantic relationship.

 

32. It’s not so much the idea of being single forever that bothers you, so much as being alone or unwanted.

 

33. You are either oblivious to other people flirting with you, or feel uncomfortable or threatened by it.

Mostly oblivious

 

38. When thinking about what sort of person you’d want to date, your criteria are identical to what you would want from a best friend.

 

39. The main benefit you get from a romantic relationship is either platonic, sensual, sexual, or a combination of those; the romantic aspect is okay but it’s not really the part you like most.

 

40. You have trouble imagining romantic activities that you would enjoy, unless those activities are also fun or interesting for you on a platonic or intellectual level.

 

41. You feel like your closest friends and/or queerplatonic partners are better at fulfilling your emotional needs than romantic partners would be.

 

43. You would rather have a queerplatonic relationship than a typical romantic relationship.

 

44. You don’t feel as if you’re missing anything in your life right now; having a romantic partner might be nice, but you don’t need it or seek it out.

 

45. You avoid going places where people are likely to flirt with you, such as bars, parties, nightclubs, and concerts.

Except maybe concerts. I love music.

 

I mostly relate to 23/50 of these generalizations.

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Strifed

This list made me super curious so I read through it.

 

I relate the most to:

  1. When you discovered the concept of a “squish” suddenly a lot of things made more sense to you.
  2. You’ve never had a crush on someone, or fallen in love.
  3. You have doubted whether crushes or love really exist, or if they’re just cultural constructs.
  4. You once thought that having a crush on someone meant you admired them or really wanted to be their friend.
  5. You thought crushes were something you consciously decided to have, and selected an acquaintance or celebrity to be your crush, because everyone else was doing it.
  6. You have trouble relating, or feeling involved, when your friends discuss their romantic relationships or romantic feelings.
  7. You don’t understand why other people make such a big deal out of having crushes or falling in love.
  8. You have never had a romantic relationship - not because you couldn’t get one, but because you just never really bothered to try, or you liked being single better.
  9. When a romantic relationship gets serious, it makes you feel cold, distant or uncomfortable. (I've never been in a romantic relationship, but people liking me and trying to get too close to me makes me uncomfortable)
  10. Getting a romantic partner feels more like fulfilling an obligation, or something you’re supposed to do, than something you’re really enthusiastic about.
  11. You’re more excited by making a new best friend than by falling in love.
  12. You’d rather spend Friday night having a sleepover party with your buddies than going out on a date.
  13. You want a best friend much more than you want a romantic relationship.
  14. You are either oblivious to other people flirting with you, or feel uncomfortable or threatened by it. (I really don't like when people like like me... makes me feel uncomfortable and weirded out).
  15. You are sometimes perceived as flirtatious when you only meant to be friendly.
  16. You live in a large community and see or meet hundreds of people around your age every year, but none of them have ever stirred romantic feelings in you.
  17. You recognize whether something is romantic or not by comparing it to other gestures, words and signals that your culture has taught you are romantic, rather than “feeling” the romance of it intuitively.
  18. You feel like your closest friends and/or queerplatonic partners are better at fulfilling your emotional needs than romantic partners would be.
  19. You would rather have a queerplatonic relationship than a typical romantic relationship.
  20. You don’t feel as if you’re missing anything in your life right now; having a romantic partner might be nice, but you don’t need it or seek it out.
  21. The idea of being single forever sounds awesome to you.
  22. You don’t enoy gestures and activities that are traditionally labeled romantic, either because the romance aspect bothers you, or because all of them are just plain unappealing to you.
  23. You avoid going places where people are likely to flirt with you, such as bars, parties, nightclubs, and concerts.

So, almost half of them! I only applied these questions to how I feel about real people, not fictional characters, because that's another ballpark there and I don't feel like it's "fair" to mix the two since on one end I'm thinking, "Ew gross get away from me!" and on the other end I'm thinking, "Yes please! haha.

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anxious_mix

I keep vacillating between whether I'm aro or not. The ones from the list that really resonated for me are all the ones about close friends and best friends. I've had crushes before (or at least I called them crushes), but I never actually wanted anything out of them and they were never more important than my friendships. Most of the time I would rather hang out with my best friends than my crush anyways. 

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