C-PTSD and being asexual

[Meme1325]

I'm not really sure how to begin. So I recently started the work of trying to address my mental health. I've come to realize that much of my "quirks" that always made me stand out as a kid, get picked on, called weird, are all actually symptoms of a form of PTSD called Complex PTSD. Here's an overview for the curious: https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/322886.php

 

Basically, I have a lot of trouble trusting people. I'm anxious about everything. I have insomnia. I don't like to be touched by people I don't know. I've had panic attacks as a result of certain triggers. I'm not good with understanding or expressing my emotions and prefer everything to be rational. I live in my head a lot. I've had night terrors. I'm also very detached in most of my relationships. 

 

As a result of all of these symptoms, in spite of my best efforts to be invisible to people, I've always been singled out. All of my efforts to be a wallflower fail miserably, people seem to just sense that I'm not like them. They see me as robotic, I've even had people joke that I might be a psychopath because I seem so unemotional. They never knew how much that hurt. 

 

Now, I'm also starting to come to terms with the fact that I may also be asexual (probably closer to demisexual). Frankly, this realization terrifies me. I feel like I don't need yet another aspect of my life to be different. I have a hard enough time forming relationships to begin with, without having to contend with this... 

 

My intentions of working on curing my C-PTSD was to be able to form healthy relationships and bonds with other people. The reality that I am on the asexual spectrum makes it so much more complicated that I don't even know where to begin... 

 

Can anyone shed some light on how I might come to terms with this?

[Lichley]

Welcome!  Well for starters, being asexual doesn’t mean you’re broken. It doesn’t mean that you can’t have relationships. The absence of sexual attraction doesn’t make you a social outcast, and it doesn’t stop you from making friends. The problem isn’t that you’re at fault, it’s that (from the sound of it) the people around you are not very accepting of others.

 

Perhaps once you’ve tried to sort out a few of your other problems and gained a bit more confidence you could go somewhere new and start fresh in a place with better people. You don’t have to be super best friends with the first people you try it with, just try to make some  acquaintances that you can say hi to. Build up your confidence in talking to difference people, even just a little. It’ll really help you in socialising and making new friends in the long run  

Spoiler

I know I’ve gotten my fair share of hate because of how distant I can be (I dissociate a lot) , and because I upset the popular kid for calling her out (major bully), but I tried again in my new school and I made new friends. Even if the first group didn’t work out, I got up and tried again with new people, and again, and again, until it worked. It’s about figuring out what works for you, and trying until you get it right. 

[NickyTannock]

@Meme1325 Welcome to AVEN!

 

I wish I could offer some experience-based advice, but my challenges and trauma are different.

I will say though, that Asexuality doesn't need to get in the way of relationships, and if you want a romantic relationship, there are Asexual dating sites like this one, https://www.asexualcupid.com/

And I wish you luck!

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake, and here's a Sleeping Puppy In A Slipper Cake,

[Custard Cream]

Hello and welcome. I'm asexual and have been married to a sexual for 20 years so relationships aren't impossible, especially if you are demisexual, or romantic and not sex repulsed.  Have some cake.

 

[Guest]

On 3/24/2019 at 7:23 AM, Meme1325 said:

I've come to realize that much of my "quirks" that always made me stand out as a kid, get picked on, called weird, are all actually symptoms of a form of PTSD called Complex PTSD

I relate to this SO SO much (and yes I do think it - that is, me having c-ptsd - relates to being asexual). Especially the part about people just magically sensing there's something different about you and singling you out for abuse even if you try to not be noticeable. I've had people all the time just look at me and instantly hate me. You can see it in their face. Sometimes they say  "I don't like that person" even though they don't know me at all. That's about the most benign thing that can happen, as much worse things often do. I know through the experience of living through different hair styles, clothing styles, attitudes, and behavioral sets that none of those things seem to matter much at all EXCEPT IF I TRY TO PRETEND TO BE A CIS HETERONOMRATIVE SEXUALIZED female (which causes me great dysphoria, attracts unwanted attention that I could not reciprocate even if I tried, is a form of self repression, etc.) instead of what I actually am (nonbinary/asexual). I'm pretty sure that's not the only factor to it but whatever is causing it seems to be something so intrinsic that I can't do much about it.

[Guest]

And to make matters worse, now that I've transitioned to looking more male but am still small/effeminate in some way , many cis female seem to think I am a good target for abuse so they can feel better about themselves and their position in society. I think they both have NO CONCEPT AT ALL of what I have had to deal with in my life, or what asexual or trans/NB people experience in general, and are genuinely malevolent/cruel/psychopathic/narcissists, etc. I still get treated very marginally better than presenting as a NONSEXUALIZED cisfemale. I feel like the vast majority of people around me literally want me to die all the time. They hate me so much.

[Maeve]

Wow. I resonate with everything you have said, @Meme1325 and @alienanteater. Had never heard of C-PTSD before, but think I need to learn more about it. 

 

Even though being asexual in and of itself does not mean you can't have fulfilling relationships, I know from personal experience that all the other ways in which relating is already a challenge definitely makes coming to terms with being ace that much more difficult. I live a very isolated kind of life already - it's so true that people seem to sense when someone is different and if they don't have a quick & easy way to define how & why you are different, they react with fear and hatred. I've experienced this all my life. So when I learned I was a-spexual*, it was terrifying to think that now people would have one more difference to focus on and use to dismiss me entirely. It sucks. 

 

But rather than focus any more on the negative, I'll share some things that have helped me to deal... 

 

1. This forum!!! Really exploring it and reaching out to people here has been a huge help. It has been a vital gateway to learning how to come to terms with my a-spexuality* and even learning how to talk to people IRL about it (though I haven't - and may never - come out). Also, I've recently come to really enjoy the AVEN Arcade - it's a great stress-reliever and nothing breaks the ice like a good game!

 

2. I move around a lot, but each time I go to a new place, I search for ace groups on Meetup.com. I'm excruciatingly shy but did manage to drag myself to a couple events with other aces and it was nice to be surrounded by similar people. Perhaps you can find a group in your area? Also, I've seen posts here from people wanting to meet other AVENites in their locale. You could do that, too!

 

3. If you're on Facebook, there are private ace groups on there you can check out, too. 

 

Reaching out and getting to know other aces/a-specs* is a great way to process all this. You never have to come out IRL if you don't feel comfortable with that - especially if you feel it will only isolate you more from the people around you. I'm currently living in a city with no ace groups nearby. If I were to tell anyone around here that I'm a-spec, I already know all the ignorant crap they would say and I just don't need to deal with that, so I don't feel the need to tell anyone. As such, this site is a godsend. I come here whenever I'm feeling especially isolated and even just reading other people's posts makes me feel better.

 

Also, I just want to note that being a-spec as opposed to asexual does not necessarily make life easier. I think there's a tendency among certain aces to assume that demisexuals must "have it better" than them, but this reflects a serious misunderstanding about the a-spec reality. Just because someone can theoretically find someone they might eventually feel some level of sexual attraction toward doesn't mean it's easy to find that super-rare human with whom one can connect that deeply. I identify as demi-gray, but my experience is more akin to "total" ace than anything else. Don't let the prefix "demi-" fool you - we're not "half" sexual and "half" asexual!!

 

* a-spec = someone on the asexuality spectrum. I recently started using "a-spexual/ity." I like that it's quicker & easier to say than "I'm on the asexuality spectrum" and I don't like having to spell out the specifics of my identity all the time. 

 

Anyhoo... more cake for you! Welcome  

[Guest]

46 minutes ago, Maeve said:

Anyhoo... more cake for you! Welcome

Thanks I am now looking into seeing if there is an asexual meetup near me to try. It also always helps immensely to know that there are other asexuals out there with very similar experiences so thank you for sharing.

[LeChat]

Hi, and welcome! 

 

I'm sorry to hear about your trauma. What's helped me has been a combination of reading forums with support groups, research about abuse, and confronting my anxiety about doing things alone, by actually confronting my fear; it's taken some time, years, in fact, but it all helped decrease my depression and negative thoughts about myself, by helping me understand that, contrary to what I was told, growing up, I wasn't the only one who went through stuff like that, that it wasn't my fault, etc.).

 

I hope this helps and that you feel better. That's great that you decided to help read more about C-PTSD, in order to help yourself, and reached out to others. You're not alone.

[Meme1325]

@alienanteater @Maeve @InquisitivePhilosopher your comments really helped me a lot. It's very comforting to hear that other people understand. Alienanteater, I'm very sorry that people don't seem willing to accept you. You seem like a very thoughtful and compassionate person, so I'm sure it is their loss. I definitely understand... I try not to let other people bother me, but it can wear on you to want to connect and never be able to. The people who do choose to be in my life are great people, but it would be nice to feel accepted in general...

 

I really appreciate all of your comments. I'm sorry it took me a while to respond... I think I was just feeling really vulnerable the day I posted for the first time and I was a little afraid of the reactions I might get.

 

I certainly hope no one thinks that I am bashing asexuality as a sexual preference/reality/lifestyle. I want to make that clear. What I am upset about is my personal situation.

 

While I am not going to assert that sexuality is a choice. Certainly it is not. However, I, personally, suspect that my C-PTSD may be a contributing factor to my sexual identity as a demisexual. One the one hand, a symptom of any form of PTSD is a deep dissociation, that is, sufferers psychologically disconnect from their bodies. I, for instance, live very much in my head. I have trouble understanding and recognizing emotions and, generally speaking, derive little to no comfort from physical contact. I always feel... like an alien. Add to that the serious fear and trust issues and tendency to want to avoid people, and I do wonder if those symptoms which are now fused with my personality didn't impact and help form my identification as demisexual.

 

Having to deal with my C-PTSD symptoms means that relationships are extremely difficult. Making friends is extremely hard for me because I am conditioned by fear responses to not trust. Romantic relationships have been impossible for me so far, so though I think I am more accurately described as demisexual, in real-life, I live completely as an asexual. But none of this is to say that I don't want romance or companionship. I do worry that if I were to come out as a-spexual (I'm stealing this term), it would alienate people even more. In that realization coupled with the difficulty I am inevitably going to have due to my mental health issues, I genuinely worry that some day I'll be completely alone. 

 

However, I am interested in the idea of meet-ups with other a-spexuals... I'm gonna look into this. Social events, especially where I will be going by myself, are a bit like going to the dentist for a root canal... but maybe I can make contact with a group and get to know them a little.

 

Thanks to everyone for your kind responses. I really appreciate it and the cakes. 🙂

[Artekka]

Hi there! This is my first post! I just wanted to jump in and say that I've seen a couple of studies that indicate that there may actually be a correlation between C-PTSD and asexuality. I am an ace with C-PTSD, and I can think of three acquaintances off the top of my head who are also ace and have C-PTSD. Nobody knows what the causal relationship is (if any) between these two things, but C-PTSD does seem to be more common among aces than among allosexuals.

 

As someone else who is also working on C-PTSD recovery, I want to encourage @Meme1325 and anybody else on here dealing with it, that you don't have to figure out everything about your life at once. The sources I've encountered ("C-PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving" by Pete Walker; my EMDR therapist) seem to indicate that with good therapy, you can work through the bulk of C-PTSD trauma in approx 2 years. You don't have to figure out how you're going to deal with potential relationships during that time. You can put that off for awhile while you concentrate on self-care and recovery.

 

I super agree with @Lichley that the problem isn't you or your C-PTSD or your asexuality: it sounds like it's the people around you. There are good, kind, loving people out there who will accept you for who you are: trauma, sexuality, and all! Most of us with C-PTSD have had a past of growing up with abusive and neglectful people--parents, friends, teachers. But they're not representative of the whole world. Sending you a lot of love! Good luck with your recovery!

[LeChat]

@Artekka Nice post!

 

I just wanted to let others know that it's totally okay and normal for some people with C-PTSD to struggle with it for life, in case anyone's thinking that they have to be able to completely get rid of it in a certain timeframe or that it's bad, wrong or shameful for them to not be "healed" by a certain time.

 

https://www.healthline.com/health/cptsd#outlook

 

Quote

Living with CPTSD

CPTSD is a serious mental health condition that can take some time to treat, and for many people, it’s a lifelong condition. However, a combination of therapy and medication can help you manage your symptoms and significantly improve your quality of life.

If starting treatment sounds overwhelming, consider joining a support group — either in person or online, first. Sharing your experience with people in similar situations is often the first step toward recovery...