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WanderingKate

I'm likely aromantic but don't want to be. What can I do?

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WanderingKate

Hi all,

This question has been eating away at me for a while...even if there is no solution, I think I'll feel better getting it off my chest.

I'm 23 now and have never once in my life truly desired to have a relationship with anyone, so I think it's fair to say I'm aromantic, or at least on the spectrum. I have dated in the past, but as hard as I try I've always just felt uncomfortable and bored.

I think I do kind of want a relationship, but for the wrong reasons...and I hate that. When I think of why I dated people in the past, it was always either to try to seem normal, to try to see if i could feel the romantic feelings, or because I was bored. All terrible reasons I know, and I've ended up accidentally hurting people in the process. I'm not a mean or heartless person...it hurts me to think back that a certain person really had feelings for me, and I essentially used him as an experiment and so people wouldn't think I'm weird never dating anyone.

Sometimes I think I'm probably not truly aro, that maybe its all just because I'm more of a loner and don't have many male friends to crush on. But at the same time, I'm 23 years old...surely by now I would have had at least one person i desire a relationship with right?

I generally have a great relationship with myself and am confident...but I really dislike this part of myself. I know this is probably nuts, but is there any way to become a romantic person? I just want to feel normal human feelings. I don't want to be aro and wish I could change.

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Galactic Turtle

I think it's safe to say that you experience a large variety of "normal human feelings." You've even made the typical errors in adventuring into the world of dating which I'd say is painfully normal since most people go into it really not knowing what they want or why. I wouldn't worry too much about what labels you take on. You could take the time to think about the types of relationships you'd like to have in your life. If those relationships include having a partner, think about what you'd want from that partner and what you might want to do for them. Then if somewhere along the way you do end up developing an interest in someone, you'll have at least thought about what it is you're looking for. Personally I'm 25 and have never been on a date.

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Crazy Cat Lady

I'm sorry I can't help. I'm asexual, but romantic, and I wish I could be aromantic, as well. So, I was curious why you wouldn't want to be, but after reading your post, I do see why that might be.

 

Of course, my reason for wanting to be aromantic is that I do develop crushes and want a relationship with someone, but I know it's so unlikely that anything would ever work out. So, I end up hurting because I'm (currently) actively avoiding my crush, though I don't want to. I do suspect (at least a mutual friend thinks so) that he might be interested in me, but I feel like that would just go badly all-around, so in order to not encourage him, I avoid him.

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Firefly8

I feel the same way. I wish I had an answer for your our question. I accept that this is who I am now, but I keep myself open to the idea that a relationship could develop some day. I'm not romance or sex averse, so it may be possible? Stranger things have happened.

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Pringles

Same! Unfortunately i'm not sure if there is much you can do right now, only time will tell. If there was a way to instantly change a part of yourself, every human would've done so because at times, people feel that there is something wrong with them. I wish you luck in your journey though and remember, you always have people to talk to. ^-^

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ReverentCreature

Some people are single their whole life and that's fine. Can you get what you want from just friendships? Maybe in the future you may get these feelings for somebody. 

 

Where does the boredom stem from? Maybe tackle that first. Make new friends, focus on your career or get a hobby. These things may stop the boredom a bit.

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