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I'm likely aromantic but don't want to be. What can I do?


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WanderingKate

Hi all,

This question has been eating away at me for a while...even if there is no solution, I think I'll feel better getting it off my chest.

I'm 23 now and have never once in my life truly desired to have a relationship with anyone, so I think it's fair to say I'm aromantic, or at least on the spectrum. I have dated in the past, but as hard as I try I've always just felt uncomfortable and bored.

I think I do kind of want a relationship, but for the wrong reasons...and I hate that. When I think of why I dated people in the past, it was always either to try to seem normal, to try to see if i could feel the romantic feelings, or because I was bored. All terrible reasons I know, and I've ended up accidentally hurting people in the process. I'm not a mean or heartless person...it hurts me to think back that a certain person really had feelings for me, and I essentially used him as an experiment and so people wouldn't think I'm weird never dating anyone.

Sometimes I think I'm probably not truly aro, that maybe its all just because I'm more of a loner and don't have many male friends to crush on. But at the same time, I'm 23 years old...surely by now I would have had at least one person i desire a relationship with right?

I generally have a great relationship with myself and am confident...but I really dislike this part of myself. I know this is probably nuts, but is there any way to become a romantic person? I just want to feel normal human feelings. I don't want to be aro and wish I could change.

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Galactic Turtle

I think it's safe to say that you experience a large variety of "normal human feelings." You've even made the typical errors in adventuring into the world of dating which I'd say is painfully normal since most people go into it really not knowing what they want or why. I wouldn't worry too much about what labels you take on. You could take the time to think about the types of relationships you'd like to have in your life. If those relationships include having a partner, think about what you'd want from that partner and what you might want to do for them. Then if somewhere along the way you do end up developing an interest in someone, you'll have at least thought about what it is you're looking for. Personally I'm 25 and have never been on a date.

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Crazy Cat Lady

I'm sorry I can't help. I'm asexual, but romantic, and I wish I could be aromantic, as well. So, I was curious why you wouldn't want to be, but after reading your post, I do see why that might be.

 

Of course, my reason for wanting to be aromantic is that I do develop crushes and want a relationship with someone, but I know it's so unlikely that anything would ever work out. So, I end up hurting because I'm (currently) actively avoiding my crush, though I don't want to. I do suspect (at least a mutual friend thinks so) that he might be interested in me, but I feel like that would just go badly all-around, so in order to not encourage him, I avoid him.

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I feel the same way. I wish I had an answer for your our question. I accept that this is who I am now, but I keep myself open to the idea that a relationship could develop some day. I'm not romance or sex averse, so it may be possible? Stranger things have happened.

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Same! Unfortunately i'm not sure if there is much you can do right now, only time will tell. If there was a way to instantly change a part of yourself, every human would've done so because at times, people feel that there is something wrong with them. I wish you luck in your journey though and remember, you always have people to talk to. ^-^

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ReverentCreature

Some people are single their whole life and that's fine. Can you get what you want from just friendships? Maybe in the future you may get these feelings for somebody. 

 

Where does the boredom stem from? Maybe tackle that first. Make new friends, focus on your career or get a hobby. These things may stop the boredom a bit.

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  • 1 year later...

This is the first time I’ve ever come across people who feel the exact same way I feel. It’s so frustrating not being able to have those wonderful, heartfelt romantic moments with people. I don’t know what it feels like, and I don’t understand it but even if it’s heart breaking to have crushes I’d much rather suffer and still be able to feel that way about people. 
 

I know I’m a good friend, and I do share emotions with others and love being able to have that connection and support them, so I know I’m healthy emotionally (?) but I desperately want to feel romantic love. I want it so bad, to be able to share my life with someone and love them romantically. 
 

People always write about it and describe it in a way that I want it for myself, and in my head I’ve always envisioned myself having that life since childhood, but it’s so frustrating not being able to connect it with your own emotions. 

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  • 1 year later...

Im Ella and i think im aromantic. But i really dont want to be. I really want a relationship and i always liked the idea of loving someone but i never did. I've dated alot and i always thought i liked the person i dated but as soon as things got serious i just magicly lost feelings. Like im having a massive crush thinking i really want a relationship but as soon as someonr likes me back i compleatly loose intrest. And even if the certian relationship holds a bit longer im always uncomfortable during it or have phases where i just cant show or recieve affection or i'll freak. None of my recent partners could understand nor respect that so i either had to end things or we got into alot of fights. I truly widh i could love someone but i think im just not capeble of doing so.

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  • 8 months later...
On 3/7/2021 at 3:38 PM, Plushpuppy said:

This is the first time I’ve ever come across people who feel the exact same way I feel. It’s so frustrating not being able to have those wonderful, heartfelt romantic moments with people. I don’t know what it feels like, and I don’t understand it but even if it’s heart breaking to have crushes I’d much rather suffer and still be able to feel that way about people. 
 

I know I’m a good friend, and I do share emotions with others and love being able to have that connection and support them, so I know I’m healthy emotionally (?) but I desperately want to feel romantic love. I want it so bad, to be able to share my life with someone and love them romantically. 
 

People always write about it and describe it in a way that I want it for myself, and in my head I’ve always envisioned myself having that life since childhood, but it’s so frustrating not being able to connect it with your own emotions. 

This exactly is the way I feel! From about age 6 to 14 I really was the type of girl to fantasize about, how my first boyfriend would look like, how nice a relationship would be and about this magical love feeling that makes you see life through rose colored glasses. And now I'm 22 and that love feeling just didn't come around!!! At first I thought maybe I just like girls, but that somehow wasn't it either. I know I can live a happy life without a romantic relationship but I just really would like to experience romantic attraction. I know that it's not true but it feels like I'm just not getting the full human experience that I was promised as a child. I want my money back! 

Even though I probably fit the label Aro/Ace I just don't want to go by it yet in hope it might change... But I've been slowly coming to terms with it, I am who I am and that's it 

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  • 1 month later...

I can relate to this a lot. I want a romantic relationship so bad, I want to love, I want to fall in love, but then as soon as someone cares for me and treats me with kindness and love, I get bored, I get revolted, I run away, I feel disgusted with them and I feel nothing, absolutely nothing, even if I used to have immense feelings of crushing. Every time I have a new relationship, there are a few days when I still feel something, I don't know if it's love or just excitement of a new experience or what, and then the feelings fade, and I feel nothing. Every time, I try to justify it with "oh maybe that person was too immature for me" or pick and choose little flaws they have, and then I feel awful for leaving them, I always leave them on a terrible note too. 

I don't know why I do this. I label myself as grey-aromantic, I don't know if this is accurate, because I do feel love sometimes but rarely, and only when it's attached to other feelings like excitement of a new experience as I said before. It's conditional. I hate this aspect of myself so much. I want to fix myself, I feel broken and incomplete. It's like looking into a pond and waiting for a fish or a tadpole to swim to me since everyone else's ponds have frogs and fish but nothing ever comes to me because there are none to begin with. God I want to cry. I have a partner who loves me and I feel next to nothing. I care about them, but I don't have any love. I wish I could give them something more than what I do. I show my kindness, but I feel nothing while doing it... augh...

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Hi guys,

I'm not entirely sure if this would be helpful at all, but if you're someone who desires a relationship, a close bond to someone, and you don't experience sexual and/or romantic attraction, I do just want to tell you all that there are other ways.
I'm young, and I'm not claiming to know a lot of things. Though, one thing I do know for sure (at least in my case, everyone's different, so this may not be helpful for you) is that you can have a super strong, close, intimate and personal relationship with someone without it being romantic/sexual. While society acts like romance and sex are the only two things in the world, and you have to feel one or both to be able to be happy, it's just plain wrong. I've never dated, and honestly, I don't have any desire to go out with someone or be in a relationship that's romantic. But I am currently in what's called a Queerplatonic Relationship (or QPR)! What that means (if you don't know) is that I have really strong platonic feelings for someone, so that it feels like it's beyond that, but still on a completely different line from romantic or sexual attraction.

Everyone who experiences this experiences it differently, so I can't say the same for every person, but what I do know is that it's as fulfilling and wonderful as any romantic relationship would be.
You feel as close to this person as you would if you were dating, just without the desire to kiss/have sex or label it as romantic/sexual because it's not. Most allo people I know don't understand this at all, and just think that you're really close best friends, or that I MUST have a crush on them since I say we're in a relationship.
Relationships are not just romantic or sexual.
I have never felt more fulfilled in any kind of relationship, and I have this gut feeling that I'll never find a romantic or sexual relationship as fulfilling as this. Romance feels temporary, as something to muck around with to pass the time (I probably wouldn't do this, but it feels that way). Platonic feelings, when strong enough, feel more than permanent for me. More than forever. They complete me, and I feel so satisfied and happy. Of course, that doesn't mean that if you don't feel this way that it's wrong, or that you can never be happy. It's just another option, and it's totally fine if it's not for you! /g
This is a super long and convoluted answer, but I guess what I'm trying to say is you can be happy and have a fulfilling relationship and it be neither sexual or romantic. You don't have to 'miss out', if that what it feels like. If anything, I feel like strong platonic/queerplatonic relationships are stronger than romantic or sexual ones, or even just 'regular' platonic friendships. They tend to be more accepting of both sides, and it feels like they're your other half (or part of you, if you're poly). You don't need to kiss them, hold their hand, sleep with them (sexually) or anything like that. Don't get me wrong, you can if you want to, but it goes completely without those societal obligations that romantic relationships have.
They allow you to be more youin my opinion.
Anyway, if you've actually bothered to read this whole thing, I hope it helps in any way! If you have any questions because this didn't make sense (because let's be honest, it probably didn't) then feel free to ping me on this thread, or pm me about it :)

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  • 5 months later...
On 3/7/2021 at 8:38 AM, Plushpuppy said:

This is the first time I’ve ever come across people who feel the exact same way I feel. It’s so frustrating not being able to have those wonderful, heartfelt romantic moments with people. I don’t know what it feels like, and I don’t understand it but even if it’s heart breaking to have crushes I’d much rather suffer and still be able to feel that way about people. 
 

I know I’m a good friend, and I do share emotions with others and love being able to have that connection and support them, so I know I’m healthy emotionally (?) but I desperately want to feel romantic love. I want it so bad, to be able to share my life with someone and love them romantically. 
 

People always write about it and describe it in a way that I want it for myself, and in my head I’ve always envisioned myself having that life since childhood, but it’s so frustrating not being able to connect it with your own emotions. 

Yup I’m 27 y/o M and I’m the same way. I’ve wanted a partner and a family since I was a kid, I’ve had girlfriends and fwb’s but I’ve never had a crush/butterflies or felt love. I’ll eventually feel depressed about the feelings I don’t feel in a relationship long term or short term and have a mental break down or get severely depressed. I get extreme feelings of guilt because I can’t give them the love and emotional connection I think they deserve, and I feel that if they can feel love, they should find someone who can reciprocate it back because love sounds too precious to deprive someone of that experience. I hear songs about love and the incredible feelings  people experience and idk wtf everyone is talking about. I want to just lose myself with someone completely and just give into those feelings people always talk about. Maybe life would be easier and all of the bad things in life wouldn’t bother me so much. I see people flirt or share a genuine connection and I get so jealous. I try to connect with someone just through conversation, but it’s not natural and it never goes anywhere. I feel like my brain is deteriorating from lack of basic human feelings. Im 27 and I feel my memory is getting worse and I’m never present. Im trying my best to get an education so I’m at least not broke and depressed. I’m actually over halfway through nursing school and I’m scared that my lack of ability to connect with people is going to shoot me in the foot. Everyone says I’m really nice, I really just treat others how I want to be treated; I don’t know if I genuinely care about anyone as much as I really want to. What keeps me going is knowing that we only get one life, and life is full of beauty in a lot of other ways; music, art, nature. Nature is so magnificent I want to live somewhere where I can experience it more like Colorado. Sorry for getting extremely off topic but your not alone with your feelings buddy, it’s ok to grieve that lack of connection you feel that your missing in your life when you need to. I know it’s not what you want to hear, believe me I’ve been searching for answers too. Just try and find other things to appreciate or strive for in the meantime. Explore some hobbies and you might find something that speaks to you. 

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