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Djamesm

Advice for my relationship.

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Djamesm

Hello all, I'm looking for some advice and opinions on my situation. This may be a longer story than needed but I want to provide a bit of background.

My girlfriend(f24) and I(m24) have been dating for 8 years now, since we were 16 in Highschool.

We were each others first and we have an amazing relationship even to this day. Of course theres been bumps In the road. 

I've thought for a long time now, and have never brought this up to her, but I think she may be asexual. 

When we first started dating it was long distance, we met through mutual friends but we went to different schools in different cities. It wasnt until 3 months in that we had our first sexual moment. Things took off and it was great. 

Now with being long distance, we only got the chance to see each other on most weekends if we were lucky. We spoke over the phone and Skype every single night and always text each other. 

A few months in now and I'm a bit shy, I haven't had much experience sexually and neither has my girlfriend. She tells me about her previous relationship and how whenever the guy came to see her, all he wanted was head. He would force her to give it to him and she says she thinks giving oral sex or receiving oral is gross because of this. So, I felt bad for her and I accepted because I would never want to be forced to do those things in a reversed setting. 

Things are still great but we dont have sex often. We both still live at home with our families so privacy is difficult. Often I found there was a reason not to do it though such as "we can't because theres people in the house" "I just want to watch a movie and cuddle" "I dont want our relationship to be based around sex" "it's too loud" 

So we dont.

On top of this she rarely enjoys making out and when we do and I try with tongue to get things going, she tells me she finds making out gross and doesnt understand it.

When we do finally have it though it definitely feels mutual and she orgasms every time(or so she acts/tells me) I often would find myself waiting for her to initiate though out of numerous rejections. 

Fast track this 3 more years. Now weve both been out of high school a year, she's attending a local college for ECE and I'm working trying to figure out what I want. Were still long distance. Things grow distant between us, we get a dog together. After this there was no sexual contact for 6 months. Everytime I try she reaches for the puppy and puts him between us then changes the subject. 

Eventually she stops coming to see me and makes up excuses. One day she comes to see me and says we need to talk, she explains she wants to go away for a different college In a different city and says she wants to find herself and see if she can be indepenant and live her own  life and that were just taking a break for now. 

 

I dont see her again for another year. I didn't get over her but near the end of that year I start dating again and things are very different with other girls. I found their sex drives are very high and they almost always initiate sex, they want to do things she never wanted to do. 

She finishes a year at her college program and has been dating another guy for 2 months. She breaks up with him and moves back home and starts calling me to come meet her and talk. 

I do and she tells me she had a horrible year and that her ex was a bad person who was controlling and how she missed me a ton. 

We hang out for a couple weeks before we move in together. Things are going great and weve had sex at least 3 or 4 times in those 2 weeks.(the most weve ever had.) 

Were 20 at this point and I'm starting school. Things start to fall into routine and from that time to right now, our relationship has been awesome. We rarely fight and were now talking about getting married, buying a house and starting a family. The only problem is this; weve had sex maybe 2 or 3 times a year since. 

Some more context, 

We are and have always been very open with each other about our opinions, our feelings, and our lives. We know each other almost 100 percent Inside and out. We enjoy our lives together and neither of us have very many friends. I have always had a very high sex drive. I have so many sexual fantasies with her in them. I think she's extremely attractive.

Weve moved numerous times, we have two dogs, have gone to school and both have good paying jobs now and our relationship is awesome. 

 

This is why I believe she's asexual but doesnt know it herself.

- she's admitted several times to having a low sex drive and not being able to get "turned on" 

- she always calls me attractive and I know I'm not a bad looking or unattractive person So I dont think its that

- she never has and never does watch porn or anything that gets her going

- she never EVER masturbates unless she's extremely sneaky about it. Which i doubt very much(I've even asked her about it)

- she hates foreplay and we still haven't tried oral sex with each other

- tells me how she doesnt understand all the "sex talk" with her friends or girls at her workplace and says she never joins in with them

- she tried stopping birth control altogether In Hope's it would raise her sex drive 

(Which it actually did for one month) 

- I go months without trying to Initiate sex with her and she only does like I said 2 to 3 times a year. I'm beginning to think she did those few times just to make me happy.

- she seems very happy without it

 

There are many other signs and I'm getting to the point now where I want to propose to her and I think this is the only thing that's stopped me from doing it. I really want her to be happy but I also need sexual release, I masturbate almost daily and I get extremely frustrated some days but never tell her. I'm not sure what to do. I want to be with her for the rest of my life but I'm scared im going to end up being old and never having has my sexual desires fulfilled. I've suffered extreme self esteem issues and I feel very low at times because of this feeling like she either doesnt want me or isn't attracted to me(regardless of her reassuring me its neither of those things). Sex has almost become a taboo topic for us where we never talk about it unless it's in a joking manner. 

Our relationship besides the sex has been great which is why I've put up with it for so many years but I just feel like I need closure or an answer to this problem. 

Is she asexual? Does she just have zero sex drive due to something medical? Is she secretly lesbian(which is fine) and wont come out? Is she just settling for me because she thinks she can't get better due to insecurities but isn't sexually attracted to me? 

 

If anyone has any advice on how I should proceed it would be greatly appreciated. My apologies for the novel.

 

Short summary; 

Girlfriend and I have been dating for 8 years with a year break Inbetween. She has always shown low Interest in sex or sexual activities. Average 2-3 times sex a year. Has many excuses for it but our relationship is fantastic. I want to bring this up with her but dont know how to approach it. I plan to propose this year but am scared I will be sacrificing my own sexuality in the process of marrying her If things continue. I love her help us. 

 

 

 

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Slice of Ace

So, all of the things you listed could imply she's ace (short for asexual), but there could be other reasons for that as well. Maybe she just has a low libido, or has some trauma to work through with her ex. The truth is that no one can say that she's asexual except herself. Sexuality is a very personal thing and though people may seem one way, you can never truly know how they feel without asking them.

 

With that in mind, I suggest one thing: talk to her. Honestly communicate about your feelings, and try to get her to open up about hers. Does she know about asexuality? If not, maybe direct her to AVEN so she can have a look. But through all this, be supportive of her. Also, try to find out what she likes or doesn't like about sex if you don't know already. Same for you. Maybe you can find a compromise that works better for both of you?

 

And then there's your side. From what you've said, it sounds like you are a bit frustrated with the sexual side of your relationship. If she comes out as ace, would you be happy staying in the relationship? If she said she never wanted sex again, would you be happy? It's okay to say no. There's nothing wrong with that. But before going into a commitment like marriage, it's important to make sure you're compatible, romantically, emotionally, and sexually. 

 

If you have any more questions, I'm happy to help. Good luck! 😊

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Back to Avalon

This probably isn't what you want to hear, but sometimes sexual-asexual pairs have open relationships so the sexual partner can get his or her needs fulfilled without involving the asexual partner. I know you say that you want her and fantasize about her, but this is a possible compromise if both of you are truly okay with it. As @Slice of Ace said, talk and be honest about your feelings. Hopefully you can come to an agreement that works for both of you. Good luck!

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SusannaC

Djamesm,

When you dated other girls you noticed they initiated sex and were very different sexually from your girlfriend. So you have recognized a clear difference and hope for change?  I doubt this lady you care for will be able to change WHO SHE IS when it comes to sexual matters. You have been together now for many years- her disinterest in sex seems quite apparent. 

Only she can tell you how she feels about sex and only she will be able to say for sure if she is asexual.  She may not yet know this about herself though, and so she would benefit from visiting AVEN too.  

She certainly sounds asexual or very low libido in my opinion.  This makes for a huge incompatibility between you both, and I suggest you be very cautious going forward.  

There will very likely be an absence of sexual intimacy, an essential need for sexual people, resulting in a loneliness which can not otherwise be fulfilled.  Is this what you want for your life?  

Perhaps consider remaining good and loving friends.  As a woman who has been married to an asexual man and lived an asexual marriage -I would suggest you consider waiting for marriage with a loving and sexually compatible mate.   Best wishes

susanna 

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anamikanon

Whether or not she is ace, you are going through what a lot of partners of aces go through. So the advice for you is same.

 

  1. Don't do anything permanent till you figure out the sex.
  2. You can't solve this on your own. You need to talk to her.
  3. Know what your bare minimum need is - without which you are not okay
  4. Talk, talk, talk a lot. Find out what she is okay and not okay with. What you are okay and not okay with.
  5. See if a workable compromise is possible. (Edit: This includes other action points like perhaps a medical check up or strategies around libido, or specific plans for things you both enjoy, etc)
  6. Understand that longterm dissatisfaction is worse than a break up and be willing to do that, if a compromise doesn't seem possible.
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Djamesm

Thank you all for the responses, this is a very hard situation and I almost broke up with her twice over this. I really dont see myself with anyone else in life and weve been through so much so I can suppress my sexual side for her like I have been doing. I just want an answer to the whys. I also dont want to hurt her feelings. So going forward I will bring this site and the possibility of being asexual to her attention though it may be just low libido. I hope we can figure this out in the end because it is just sex and not the most important thing in life.

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anisotrophic
2 minutes ago, Djamesm said:

it is just sex and not the most important thing in life

Be careful here, sex is usually more emotionally important than people realize.

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anamikanon
3 hours ago, Djamesm said:

it is just sex

Sex is just sex till you're faced with the prospect of being denied it. It is like you may not be aware of your teeth till there is a toothache, and then it is agony.

 

Discuss this. Give yourself a chance to think it through before assuming you'll be fine without. Within a few days of discussion starting and you hearing her views, you'll realize how okay or not you are with it, and then take it from there.

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