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anamikanon

Advice needed on intimacy

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ryn2

(Similarly, “are you busy Tuesday night” is normally either a lead-in to “want to go to..., then?” or - for an existing partner - an announcement of solo plans)

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Telecaster68
3 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

Ah, okay.  I would assume they were asking because they were interested in going (or potentially in giving away their own tickets... in that case I would beg off), unless it was part of a general discussion about favorite sports.

 

Is the geography-specific?  Here, “do you like...?” is a very common lead-in to an invite.  It’s typically “hey, do you want to go to... with me?” with a little more face-saving space built in.

It could easily lead to an invitation, but it wouldn't be strange if it didn't. At least, to me, and depending on context. For instance 'do you like Kanye West?' wouldn't be the same as 'I have spare tickets for Kanye West, would you like to come with me'.

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ryn2

I think it all depends on context.... but it would be fairly unusual here to start a conversation with the question “do you like Kanye West?” and not have there be more to it.

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Telecaster68
2 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

I think it all depends on context.... but it would be fairly unusual here to start a conversation with the question “do you like Kanye West?” and not have there be more to it.

Well yes, but I'd never assume the 'more' was 'I suggest we go and see him'.

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ryn2
5 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

Well yes, but I'd never assume the 'more' was 'I suggest we go and see him'.

With something expensive like that, agreed, but I would still expect it was a lead-in to a request to do something Kanye-related together rather than a simple inquiry into whether or not I enjoy his work.

 

I live in a smaller city so things like my lacrosse example, other sports, movies, museums, some dinner options, etc., are relatively inexpensive....

 

...but even someone starting a conversation out of nowhere with “do you like Paris” would leave me expecting some kind of invite (not a private jet to Paris, say, but perhaps an offer to try a new local restaurant featuring Parisian cuisine.

 

”Do you like apples?” is likely to either end in an invite or an offer to share an overlarge purchase.

 

Now, if we’ve spent half the evening discussing music and you ask if I like Kanye West, that’s a wholly different context and it’s likely you want my actual thoughts on the guy.

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Serran
1 hour ago, ryn2 said:

With something expensive like that, agreed, but I would still expect it was a lead-in to a request to do something Kanye-related together rather than a simple inquiry into whether or not I enjoy his work.

 

I live in a smaller city so things like my lacrosse example, other sports, movies, museums, some dinner options, etc., are relatively inexpensive....

 

...but even someone starting a conversation out of nowhere with “do you like Paris” would leave me expecting some kind of invite (not a private jet to Paris, say, but perhaps an offer to try a new local restaurant featuring Parisian cuisine.

 

”Do you like apples?” is likely to either end in an invite or an offer to share an overlarge purchase.

 

Now, if we’ve spent half the evening discussing music and you ask if I like Kanye West, that’s a wholly different context and it’s likely you want my actual thoughts on the guy.

I would see it as a opening to discuss a potential mutual interest, personally. 

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ryn2
22 minutes ago, Serran said:

I would see it as a opening to discuss a potential mutual interest, personally. 

I could see it that way in context, like if I’m nodding along to a song in a bar or at the old school music store flipping through albums.

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anamikanon
15 hours ago, ryn2 said:

(Similarly, “are you busy Tuesday night” is normally either a lead-in to “want to go to..., then?” or - for an existing partner - an announcement of solo plans)

In our home, "are you busy Tuesday night" could be anything. For eg:

  • I want to go out, are you home to see to kid?
  • Got an invite, want to join?
  • Let's plan something together
  • Someone wants to visit

etc.

 

I'm quite enjoying the discussion about sex indifference, positivity, etc though I believe my ace when he says indifferent. He really is. Aversion would still have some energy. He nods off to sleep pretty easily when tired overall. During sex is just one more way. Interpreting it as aversion and sleeping because of overload may be a stretch in his case, because he's also enjoyed it thoroughly on occasion - if rarely. Not to mention he suffers no distress when in focus either. Sex is simply not a priority, so he fills his day with things that really interest him and is wiped by bed time. Not unlike a kid. Sigh. Mine used to fall asleep babbling at full volume and suddenly switch off, fast asleep.

 

For my ace it is more like he doesn't mind sex and is happy to oblige whenever I want unless he's overloaded with other things/unhappy/stressed. But he doesn't quite anticipate the alertness it will take and underestimates his energy for it and falls short somewhere midway. He genuinely has no problem and agrees because of that and he genuinely simply falls asleep when he does (and it has started sounding like each time, which it isn't). There simply isn't anthing more to it. You wake him while he's drifting off and he'll resume action immediately, while half asleep, only to pause again because asleep a while later. lol. On one level it is hilarious. Won't be averse if you ask him again next day. Will again be in the moment and he'll be fine with it if not stressed... And stressed is NEVER about us. Usually work, something to do, something not going well, etc. Basically too many other things on mind.

 

That said, have to agree with @Telecaster68that if someone is tuning out because focus is unpleasant, that would seem more mild aversion to me than indifference.

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ryn2
3 hours ago, anamikanon said:

That said, have to agree with @Telecaster68that if someone is tuning out because focus is unpleasant, that would seem more mild aversion to me than indifference.

Oh, I don’t disagree.  I’m just speculating that a fair number of people who consider themselves indifferent actually fall into this category.

 

3 hours ago, anamikanon said:

He genuinely has no problem and agrees because of that and he genuinely simply falls asleep when he does (and it has started sounding like each time, which it isn't).

This could certainly all be true in his case.  As the person who‘s right there with him you know him a whole lot better than we do.

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MrDane

Analogies are often useless, but here we go:

 

I am invited to play a board game with my youngest child. I have a few things I would rather do, but it would really make her day, be a good activity while preparing her for upcomming bedtime, make us feel/be connected. It can even sometimes be fun. My initial thougth was no, but turned into an okay, with ‘...but only a short one’. She is happy and exited, though she hoped for monopoly and a whole game this time. She takes out a few shorter/quicker games, which I turn down, until I pick one, that she can agree on. I manage to focus and be enthustiastic in the beginning. We play by the rules. (Maybe, I misinterpret/overlook a few things on purpose! Not to much) Then I have to struggle to be ‘in game mode’. My mind wanders off. “Did we pack your swim gear?” I suddently blurt out. I even automatically check my phone, when a notification gives a beep. 

 

I should have said “let’s do it tomorrow” but what if that was my answer every day, then I should have said something else, like : I really like you and like spending time with you and would like to see you happy, but I dont think it is going to be by playing games. How about it if we instead...(insert other stuff)?

 

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ryn2
3 hours ago, MrDane said:

make us feel/be connected.

This is one tricky piece, because while you might be bored by the game playing it with your child still fosters a sense of connection.  For at least some aces sex actively fosters disconnection - they actually feel less connected to their partners during and after than they did before/would have if nothing happened.

 

I don’t know if there’s a good child analogy for that... while my friends with children certainly complain from time to time I don’t recall hearing anyone say they actually liked their child a little less/resented their child more each time the two of them did xyz.

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Serran
1 hour ago, ryn2 said:

This is one tricky piece, because while you might be bored by the game playing it with your child still fosters a sense of connection.  For at least some aces sex actively fosters disconnection - they actually feel less connected to their partners during and after than they did before/would have if nothing happened.

 

I don’t know if there’s a good child analogy for that... while my friends with children certainly complain from time to time I don’t recall hearing anyone say they actually liked their child a little less/resented their child more each time the two of them did xyz.

Even for me, the wrong kind of sexual activity could do that. If im not "in the mood", or its a thing I dont like, I dont feel closer. So, I dont think PiV or oral would foster a connection. It would likely make me feel distant, like all sexual stuff used to with exes. My wife feels similar. Thats why most traditional sex is off the table. 

 

Sexuality gets complicated. What is amazing for one can be awful for the other. 

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Philip027
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What is amazing for one can be awful for the other. 

True about most things in life, honestly, not just sex.  So much strife occurs because people automatically assume everyone else enjoys what they enjoy.

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ryn2
2 hours ago, Philip027 said:

True about most things in life, honestly, not just sex.  So much strife occurs because people automatically assume everyone else enjoys what they enjoy.

...and not just does enjoy but *should* enjoy.

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Telecaster68

Hmm. Well, yes, in principle.

 

But when assume someone enjoys sex in general, you do have the numbers massively on your side. It's not an unreasonable assumption.

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Philip027

Even among sexuals though, every sexual act has people for whom it's desirable, people for whom it's strictly off limits, and people who fall somewhere inbetween.

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Telecaster68
36 minutes ago, Philip027 said:

Even among sexuals though, every sexual act has people for whom it's desirable, people for whom it's strictly off limits, and people who fall somewhere inbetween.

True, but in my experience, oral, manual, and PIV are pretty much universal, as are the basic repertoire of positions.

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Serran
3 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

True, but in my experience, oral, manual, and PIV are pretty much universal, as are the basic repertoire of positions.

Manual tends to be a no in most of the relationships I've been in (they don't like it). 

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Traveler40

I push my button best, whether that be alone or with a partner.  Manual could be had in a variety of ways....no?

 

I agree with “basics” as generally acceptable one way or another with generally being the operative word.

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chandrakirti

Well it's all very well in theory, but I guess, as a rank outsider here, that it's really only put to the test by actual practice... So the homework for today is...😊

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