user23974865 Posted March 23, 2019 Share Posted March 23, 2019 (Not a current situation, just something from the past that I was recently reminded of by something else. Phew! 😅) I'm wondering how common this might be. Have you ever had someone that you considered as "a dear friend" and then eventually you discovered (or they told you) that they considered you specifically as "their significant other", and neither of you had any idea that your understanding of the friend/relationship was different? This happened to me a few years ago, with an online friend I had been talking to every day for several months. It was very surprising to me, and it's still surprising because, even though we had been in contact every day and we talked about very personal things, she knew it was a longstanding habit of mine and she wasn't my first friend of that kind, and she knew that it was always women (because talking about personal things with other guys is just... weird). Kind of a cautionary tale for me to keep in mind. I willingly went along with it that time and fully committed to it, but I learned that I should think twice. I later looked back at the "just friendship" days as the best days of the relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted March 23, 2019 Share Posted March 23, 2019 Did she lose her shit when you said you thought it was just a friendship the entire time? I'm assuming that because you said the "just friendship" days were the best that the rest of it was a nightmare. Link to post Share on other sites
user23974865 Posted March 23, 2019 Author Share Posted March 23, 2019 11 minutes ago, Winter Spirit ❅ said: Did she lose her shit when you said you thought it was just a friendship the entire time? Haha no. I did like her, and I welcomed it at the time, I just didn't expect it. It was a looong journey trying to establish what was it that she did mean by "we were in a relationship" though. I knew what I wanted out of it once I got on board, but I don't think she ever did. It was doomed from the start, and later I stumbled upon older posts of her (from before we met) where she talked matter-of-factly about how "it always ended in disaster with everyone she ever got close with, and she didn't ever expect anything different". I'm glad that it happened though, because I don't need to feel guilty for wasting someone's time and feelings, and now I know exactly why I should think twice before seeking / playing along with any relationship, and it's not just because of her, it's me. Link to post Share on other sites
anisotrophic Posted March 23, 2019 Share Posted March 23, 2019 It makes me wonder what the difference is between emotional intimacy and romantic feelings. I'm not sure I'm able to be emotionally intimate without it feeling romantic. But assuming a relationship is a bit of a leap! I've never had that happen, seems to hint at communication problems. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted March 23, 2019 Share Posted March 23, 2019 @burobu I take it you're aromantic then? Or did you just not want a relationship with her? Link to post Share on other sites
user23974865 Posted March 23, 2019 Author Share Posted March 23, 2019 9 hours ago, anisotrophic said: seems to hint at communication problems. That's... an understatement. Things were fine when "we were just friends", but once there was commitment involved and I actually needed to know what she meant, talking to her always felt like cracking codes. All the time. 6 hours ago, Winter Spirit ❅ said: @burobu I take it you're aromantic then? Or did you just not want a relationship with her? I'm not sure if I count as "aromantic" or not, but that would be a technicality anyway. My emotions (in general) are erratic and inconsistent. I've learned to just not take them seriously. Besides, according to Wikipedia, this is literally stated in the diagnostic manual, about one of the things I've been diagnosed with: "In cases with severe defects in the capacity to form social relationships, dating and marriage may not be possible." And, well... Yeah. *nods* Link to post Share on other sites
user23974865 Posted March 23, 2019 Author Share Posted March 23, 2019 9 hours ago, anisotrophic said: It makes me wonder what the difference is between emotional intimacy and romantic feelings. This was actually one of the main subjects that my friend and I used to talk about. I don't just wonder what the difference is, I simply don't understand how there's a difference at all. I understand infatuation (all too well -- though, again, only from the past, fortunately), but that's something else entirely. It was always very clear to me that feelings of infatuation had little to do with my personal relationship with someone (or even my level of actual fondness for them), and it was very closely tied to mood fluctuations instead. It used to feel like an alien thing invading my brain. On the other hand, my personal idea of what a "relationship" could ever be as it would possibly apply to me someday was always "friends with sexual compatibility, plus stated commitment". And I've always seen "marriage" as "nothing but the legal formalization of a relationship, strictly for legal purposes, or else why bother". Link to post Share on other sites
Yui-Drakon Posted March 25, 2019 Share Posted March 25, 2019 On 3/23/2019 at 1:33 AM, burobu said: (Not a current situation, just something from the past that I was recently reminded of by something else. Phew! 😅) I'm wondering how common this might be. Have you ever had someone that you considered as "a dear friend" and then eventually you discovered (or they told you) that they considered you specifically as "their significant other", and neither of you had any idea that your understanding of the friend/relationship was different? This happened to me a few years ago, with an online friend I had been talking to every day for several months. It was very surprising to me, and it's still surprising because, even though we had been in contact every day and we talked about very personal things, she knew it was a longstanding habit of mine and she wasn't my first friend of that kind, and she knew that it was always women (because talking about personal things with other guys is just... weird). Kind of a cautionary tale for me to keep in mind. I willingly went along with it that time and fully committed to it, but I learned that I should think twice. I later looked back at the "just friendship" days as the best days of the relationship. Yes, this exact thing happened to me and it was a horrible experience. There was a person who I thought was being a deep friend, and turns out we were being intimate and I missed all the cues that possibly any other person would find to be painfully obvious... I tried to say that I hope they didn't have romantic feelings for me, because I would break their heart and this person understood the exact opposite of what I said. When I finally understood I was in a relationship by accident I desperately wanted out and this escalated into a fight via text messages. And I had to deal with the guilt of mercilessly breaking their heart. We are good now, but this was tough. I really, really hope this never happens again. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest iwanttolearn Posted March 25, 2019 Share Posted March 25, 2019 happened to me too last year, i thought we were being really good friends, we never even met and just chatted...honestly, i hope for the best for the other person though, sorry i was so inexperienced in relationships and socializing to take a hint. but i wish the other person finds what they are looking for in someone better. Link to post Share on other sites
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