Buona notte Posted March 23, 2019 Share Posted March 23, 2019 Hey, so for a while now I've started having more intense feelings on this topic and would like to get this out there since I haven't been able to find anything to the degree I've been looking for, and I was wondering if anyone else feels the same at all. I identify as non-binary and asexual, and experience chest and buttock dysphoria, as well as increasing sex repulsion as of late. I would call myself masculine if anything to not be considered female, but having male genitals is something that would be very unlikely as something I would consider. I know that my dysphoria is strongly linked to the sex repulsion I feel, as being seen with any sexual qualities gives me a significant sense of discomfort. Usually during the menstrual cycle, there is some times that sexual sensation comes without any inherent intention, which is completely nonaligned to my mental state and is severely discouraging to my self esteem and security. It would get bad enough where I would have the strong desire to punch myself to stop the sensation out of irritation or have thoughts of tearing out what is causing it. On the subject of buttock dysphoria, I feel that having the implication or size of it very discomforting and would like to undergo any surgery, or if there are any alternatives to this, to reduce the size to look flat. I've only really come across forums of people discussing hip dysphoria, which may imply what I'm feeling, but less so centered on the hips themselves. Often I wear pants below the hips to alleviate any of the discomfort and give a flatter presentation, or just wear baggier clothing. I'm very adverse to anything that is considered "unclean" or undesirable, which would most likely come from OCD. I don't feel insecure about feeling this strongly about unclean things, just that having or coming into contact with them can be distressing and embarrassing, and is to be avoided. As for my chest, I generally feel comfortable with a binder or even tight tank top underneath clothes (though with an extra layer over a shirt), but I will be getting top surgery soon and opt for nipple removal as well since I find the sensation uncomfortable and something rather "in the way". I don't know how to explain exactly why I feel this way, the best I can think of is that these are more inhibitions on my body and I would be able to function better and more optimally. Lastly, I've felt for a few years now that I want be completely sexually null. As in, removing all possible sexual stimulation and genital features. I know for certain I won't have any sexual relations in the future, and any sexual feelings I have feel uncomfortable and only a burden that wastes time on something more important. I feel inhibited by these discomforts and it obscures what matters to me as who I am as a person. I very much would like to pursue bottom surgery as a result to remove what is possible in terms of ovaries, the uterus, etc. But most of all, I want to have any openings regarding sexual organs to be completely closed off. I feel very strong about this because the burden of thinking about having any genital openings simply existing is somewhat disturbing to me. I haven't heard of anything like this or people experiencing this feeling of wanting some form of "Infibulation", asides for religious/cultural reasoning in some countries. Although it is considered controversial concerning the patient's consent to the procedure and health risks due to cleanliness in those countries. I've searched if there's any way to totally remove sexual desire and sensation, though nothing has come of it so far. I guess I just want to feel the way I did before puberty. It's difficult to exactly put into words to describe it for finding resources on the subject. Is there anyone else that feels like this, or has any suggestions? I at least hope that this may be something others can relate to as well and that it might help them feel less lost. Link to post Share on other sites
NickyTannock Posted March 23, 2019 Share Posted March 23, 2019 I've moved this thread from 'Questions about Asexuality' to 'Gender Discussion'. Michael Tannock, Open Mic moderator and Questions about Asexuality Co-moderator. Link to post Share on other sites
NickyTannock Posted March 23, 2019 Share Posted March 23, 2019 Welcome to AVEN! In my case, I don't experience any dysphoria, though I do think the human body looks strange. Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake, and here are some Space Cupcakes, Link to post Share on other sites
Anthracite_Impreza Posted March 23, 2019 Share Posted March 23, 2019 Hi, I feel similarly to you in the wanting to be completely sexless thing. I fucking hate my chest and hips and ideally would want to be as barren and straight up straight down as a Ken doll. I can put up with the internal stuff, though if I'd ever had the choice they wouldn't be there. My only solution is to dissociate, because I'm pretty much stuck with this shit for the foreseeable future. Link to post Share on other sites
Calligraphette_Coe Posted March 23, 2019 Share Posted March 23, 2019 4 hours ago, Anthracite_Impreza said: Hi, I feel similarly to you in the wanting to be completely sexless thing. I fucking hate my chest and hips and ideally would want to be as barren and straight up straight down as a Ken doll. I can put up with the internal stuff, though if I'd ever had the choice they wouldn't be there. My only solution is to dissociate, because I'm pretty much stuck with this shit for the foreseeable future. Never underestimate the effectiveness of neural plasticity, which could be considered dissociation, but maybe dissociation taken a step even further. This> https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Neuroplasticity People like myself, a sufferer of multiple CVAs, can attest to this. People might say that we who pull this off are 'living in our heads'. I don't agree, as what are we without our brains and what those brains tell us we are? See this review, too: https://www.amazon.com/Unthinkable-Extraordinary-Journey-Through-Strangest/dp/006239116X Link to post Share on other sites
PoeciMeta Posted March 25, 2019 Share Posted March 25, 2019 This. You're describing me, @Buona notte. I'm a bit young to know for sure but I hope I am aroace and agender, and... what can I say? I feel just like you. This body that I must call mine is disgusting me and it's not going to get better unless surgery. A sliver of hope, though: I've read somewhere that the width of the hips varies during a woman's life, interestingly decreasing after menopause, because of the influence of hormones. Therefore, removing one's ovaries may cause the hips to shrink a bit in the long term, additionally to ending periods and altering fat distribution, which seems to bother you too. I also believe that your mind can play a role in it. I have read some stories about how people manage amazing things thanks to their willpower and training, such as blocking off pain, gaining high cold resistance (like Wim Hof), and even a woman who was supposedly so convinced she would die that she did die and nobody found the biological cause. Well, I chose to believe it with all my being and I convinced myself that if I wished really hard for my puberty to at least slow down, it would. It could just be a correlation, but now I don't look that feminine and most importantly, my breasts are still not... uh, looking all grown while they should. Could it be that it worked? Well, one should certainly not discard that hope. Link to post Share on other sites
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