Asexual spouse and non-asexual me

[addicthubby]

Thank you for taking the time to read my post here. I am a cisgendered straight non-asexual male as well as a recovering alcoholic and sex addict (pornography & erotica mostly). My cisgendered wife and I have two kids and long before she began using hormonal birth control pills we were each other's firsts, and I am the only person she's ever been intimate with. Her medication absolutely affected her mood, her libido, and views on the world; I'm of the belief they caused and are causing her asexuality. We now have two kids which are extremely high maintenance children and as such we are both quite tired almost all the time. My wife also is a fashion consultant out of our home which eats up a lot of her time.

 

Essentially whats happening is that after our first was born post partum depression set in and left her feeling even more asexual.  It eventually got a bit better but not before she discovered the extensive pornography I had been watching in addition to messaging via twitter to other women. My wife believes that pornography, masturbation, even looking at another woman in a movie, might all well as be cheating. If she is my one-and-only, the I should not see anyone else (her favorite movie is Magic Mike). We almost divorced but eventually were able to get to a better place, except in this one regard: my sexual needs. Her emotional needs are for me to be all about her, and not express my needs to her. Fantasies, interests, requests are all inappropriate in her eyes and insinuate that she is not enough. But in a certain sense, her, just as she is, kind of isn't enough. I know that sounds bad but I really do not mean it that way. I mean simply that her unshowered, in sweatpants, on the couch, with a glass of wine in her hand is yeah not the sexiest thing in the world. That lingerie could/would be sexier. We will generally have sex maybe once a month usually at the time when her body would be ovulating. Even then though, the easiest way to "ruin" that is to show interest in her. She can grab my butt, my crotch, and come onto me in general but should I reciprocate in some way she feels "used" and lusted not loved. She does not appreciate being told she "looks hot" or flirted with unless she's flirting with me first. She has acknowledged that she too believes she is suffering from depression which is causing her asexuality (possibly) but claims she does not see anything wrong with experiencing asexuality. We're 32 and 31 respectively so it's time to stop acting like kids and grow up anyway. What I mean is that I take her attitude as that she recognizes that her asexuality could/is being induced but it's probably a good thing because it keeps her from wasting time thinking about sex. That she almost welcomes the asexuality.

 

So as I know very little about asexuality I thought I would ask if this is normal? In its most basic form, what I think she needs/wants is for me to be asexual too. My needs are not her problem is certainly how it feels and what she has said. Like I said earlier, she will not tolerate me masturbating, and I cannot/will not watch porn anymore as it became an addiction and I'm lucky I never was fired (let alone arrested). She has said to me that she does not see herself as responsible for making me happy, nor is it my job to make her happy. We each do as much as we want to do and that has to be enough. All she needs is foot rubs, massages, emotional support, cuddling, etc but nothing sexual. I will also add that, no I absolutely do not want to guilt trip or force her to do something she is not comfortable with. That absolutely is wrong. Period. I just do not know what to do. 

[Guest]

She's right about watching porn (though I think you can do it as long as your partner doesn't care, but you shouldn't  with your past addiction). But your masturbation habits are none if her concern, especially if she cannot meet your sexual needs. Sometimes you have to put yourself first, and relieving a bit of it would ease tension. I hope things improve for you. 

[Mrs]

You speak of this or that “causing” her asexuality but if she is truly ace then nothing causes it, it’s just her orientation like you’re a straight man. Could it be that your shenanigans with other women and porn turned her off? You need to have an honest conversation with her and say “I am not willing to live a sexless life. What is your solution?” This puts the ball in her court and gives her some power over the situation while forcing her to also consider your needs. Some compromises might be scheduled sex, oral sex, masturbation. I know she vetoed that but remind her that you are not willing to live a sexless life. What is her solution? I wish you luck. 

[anisotrophic]

@addicthubby as Mrs said, asexuality doesn't have a cause anymore than homosexuality does.

 

It sounds like you would benefit from couples therapy. Or try reading some books for advice on female sexuality, like "come as you are" by Emily Nagosaki. You might need to change your approach.

 

Your partner might decide she's asexual, and if so it's not something that can be "fixed", but you should be very cautious about assuming that for her. it might be other things -- which is good, maybe you can change what you do, and your sex life gets better.

 

In fact, if she is asexual, you should also be figuring out what you can do to make it more positive for her.

[lilgroundhog]

What you're describing doesn't sound like we what I think of asexuality.  As was mentioned, asexuality is an orientation like homosexuality or bisexuality.  Its not medical related and drugs don't cause it.

 

To my aro ace brain, it sounds you two need to seriously talk and probably get counseling, both as individuals and as a couple.

[ryn2]

9 hours ago, lilgroundhog said:

What you're describing doesn't sound like we what I think of asexuality.  As was mentioned, asexuality is an orientation like homosexuality or bisexuality.  Its not medical related and drugs don't cause it.

*nods*

 

Medication (among other things) can cause or worsen low libido... but low libido and asexuality are not related.  Plenty of asexual people have typical or even high libido, and the same in reverse for sexual people.

 

Someone who is *also* asexual might (or might not) be less troubled by a loss of/drop in libido than someone sexual...

[anamikanon]

There are two things here. The sexual mismatch and the judgmental behavior. Excessive judgmental behavior can get abusive. At some point she has to recognize you are an autonomous individual. Together by choice, not ownership. That said, two kids, exhaustion, depression, etc can all result in some pretty unreasonable and needy behavior.

 

I agree that therapy may help. There are too many specifics and unknowns to discuss reliably like this.

[addicthubby]

On 3/22/2019 at 1:03 PM, KrystalLost said:

She's right about watching porn (though I think you can do it as long as your partner doesn't care, but you shouldn't  with your past addiction). But your masturbation habits are none if her concern, especially if she cannot meet your sexual needs. Sometimes you have to put yourself first, and relieving a bit of it would ease tension. I hope things improve for you. 

Thank you. She's made it clear that it's a deal breaker if I do so I cant control her beyond that. My choices are respect it or not. Any suggestions for an appropriate way to "come onto" her? 

[addicthubby]

On 3/22/2019 at 9:38 PM, anisotrophic said:

@addicthubby as Mrs said, asexuality doesn't have a cause anymore than homosexuality does.

 

It sounds like you would benefit from couples therapy. Or try reading some books for advice on female sexuality, like "come as you are" by Emily Nagosaki. You might need to change your approach.

 

Your partner might decide she's asexual, and if so it's not something that can be "fixed", but you should be very cautious about assuming that for her. it might be other things -- which is good, maybe you can change what you do, and your sex life gets better.

 

In fact, if she is asexual, you should also be figuring out what you can do to make it more positive for her.

Right I'm not actually convinced she is in fact actually asexual so much as she's experiencing it (welcoming it at too). What are some things I can do to make it more positive for her though? That's my fundamental question. What is the right and wrong way to talk to her about my needs. Where I'm at currently is that telling her my needs is essentially asking her to put her needs aside. 

[anisotrophic]

26 minutes ago, addicthubby said:

Right I'm not actually convinced she is in fact actually asexual so much as she's experiencing it (welcoming it at too). What are some things I can do to make it more positive for her though? That's my fundamental question. What is the right and wrong way to talk to her about my needs. Where I'm at currently is that telling her my needs is essentially asking her to put her needs aside. 

The fact that your partner doesn't want you to engage in masturbation really places this in the zone of "it sounds like you need couples' therapy".

[Sally]

2 hours ago, addicthubby said:

Thank you. She's made it clear that it's a deal breaker if I do so I cant control her beyond that. My choices are respect it or not. Any suggestions for an appropriate way to "come onto" her? 

She would have to come up  with any such suggestions, not strangers on the internet.

 

As others said, asexuality is an orientation, not simply something that comes about due to medication or age or depression.  Low libido can be helped, but that's her decision, not yours.  Wanting sex with a partner (or anyone else) has to come about naturally.  If she doesn't want to have sex, there's nothing you can do about  it, because it's her body and her mind.  It may not seem fair, but fairness really isn't involved in such an individual intimate situation as sex.  

[addicthubby]

On 3/26/2019 at 5:37 PM, Sally said:

She would have to come up  with any such suggestions, not strangers on the internet.

 

As others said, asexuality is an orientation, not simply something that comes about due to medication or age or depression.  Low libido can be helped, but that's her decision, not yours.  Wanting sex with a partner (or anyone else) has to come about naturally.  If she doesn't want to have sex, there's nothing you can do about  it, because it's her body and her mind.  It may not seem fair, but fairness really isn't involved in such an individual intimate situation as sex.  

Okay I can understand and appreciate that. I'm just basing this all on what she's telling me. She's using the word asexual so I'm just relating it. I think I was less asking for suggestions and more asking for what kinds of things do others like that I can take back to her and discuss. 

[greyisnotacolor]

On 4/24/2019 at 6:06 AM, addicthubby said:

Okay I can understand and appreciate that. I'm just basing this all on what she's telling me. She's using the word asexual so I'm just relating it. I think I was less asking for suggestions and more asking for what kinds of things do others like that I can take back to her and discuss. 

Is your wife using the word 'asexual' in the sense that this could be a temporary thing, or is this her orientation? If you are here posting about this in an international forum for asexual people and looking for a solution, to me that shows that you do love her to a degree and want this to work between you, which leads me to two possible paths:

 

1. Your wife is in fact, NOT asexual and is incorrectly using the word in order to justify trying to explain a mental instability she is going through.

2. Your wife is ACTUALLY an asexual and there is a chance therapy might not help and you'd both be better off doing your research about what asexuality actually is and working together to try to figure out whether this relationship is going to be worth it for the both of you to put your time and effort into making work.

 

If it's #1: it would benefit the two of you to consider couples therapy. Maybe think about some open ended questions you can ask her about how she's feeling and what she's going through so that you can try to understand why she's feeling however it is she's feeling. Post-Partum Depression was my first indicator that there is a good chance that she's going through some really tough mental walls on her own, and she's having a hard time asking for help. If that's the case, the last thing you want to do is show her that she doesn't matter enough to you by making it about YOU. If she's responsive to your open ended questions and you're learning more about how she's feeling, there is a chance she could open up to you a bit more and see that you genuinely want to know more about what she's going through so that you can help and be the man she knows you can be for her.

 

Now, if it's #2: doing the questions thing will likely help determine if this is what's happened, too. It is possible for people to feel heterosexual and then later on in life decide they feel asexual; it's not something we can control, it is just who we are. If this is the case, then this would be a good time to let her know that you are a sexual man and this is a requirement in your life. If she isn't able to help you find a solution to this by compromise or working together as a team to figure out a solution, then I'm sorry to say this but it could be best for the two of you to find people in your lives who can fulfill those things for either of you. Being in an ace/allo relationship is not easy, and it takes both of you to push the rock up the hill together. If only one person is willing to make the sacrifices, it's likely that unhappiness will eventually follow.

 

TL;DR - COMMUNICATE. Talk it out with her and if you can't do it with one another, find a professional to help guide you through it. If you don't do it for yourselves, do it for your kids.

[Homer]

^ I actually prefer the #2 approach regardless. If you, as a partner, dig a bit into the subject and then talk to her like "I've read a bit about asexuality and this is what I've found. Do you think that this applies to you?" Then go from there.

[chairdesklamp]

These are all very good points, and as said, either your wife's orientation has changed (happens! I used to be biromantic, and in my 30s, my feelings for women just slowly dimmed away. So now I'm homoromantic) or she's using the word wrong and kind of appropriating it, and it's actually possibly stress or depression, which you've mentioned being in there, and kill libido. Other reasons could very well also apply.

 

All this has been said before, but one thing really sets off alarm bells in my head.

 

I'm hearing (reading?) that part 'she needs me to be all about her, and not express my needs to her. Fantasies...are all inappropriate...' You say stuff like this a couple times. Also that it's okay for her to just say or do stuff to you but not the other way around. This is not asexuality; this is controlling. 

 

Your partner may not be into every thing you are. Your partner may not be into sex. That's fine on its own, but you need to negotiate new boundaries either way. But the red flag I'm seeing is, well, let's use a metaphor:

 

Removing sex from the equation for a moment, my ex-wife LOVED Kitchen Nightmares and all those other reality things where people were just bullying each other. You can tell I don't like them. So she was free to watch them, and I didn't join her. I also didn't put them down to her, even if I don't like them.  On the flip side, I wasn't allowed to have any interests, friends, etc., she didn't approve of. I had to get rid of my VCR and huge record and tape collection because she wanted to pretend to be 20. The reason is irrelevant. She crossed a HUGE line doing that to me. One of the reasons I left her. What I did about her reality TV was a better way to handle it. She could have also gotten other people to watch with, and that would have been fine to me. But polyamory doesn't work for everyone. 

 

But anyway, now, if your fantasies were, say, racist in nature, yeah, that's a problem, but the problem would be the racism, not that it's a fantasy you have.

 

I don't know much all of what's out there, but say you're into 'naughty nurse.' If she's not into doing that, it should be fine if you, say, masturbate to imagining her on you in a sexy nurse costume. It's not her duty to have sex, and I feel you respect that from what I read. But she also doesn't get a say on whether or not you relieve yourself. And if you wanna imagine whatever while relieving yourself with your hands, she really has no say any more than you do on whether she does any sex thing.

 

Her boundaries may be she can't have sex at all, or something else. And that is also fine on its own.

 

The question is whether you two can go on being together, should that be the case, but again, there's no 'clear true way'/'only one moral choice' here. It's what works best for BOTH OF YOU. All relationships are there for the benefit of all involved parties. 

 

A relationship is healthy when both people are there for and respect and are attuned to each other. You her, and her you. Both ways. 

 

[a.creative]

Hello!

 

I'm sure the other comments above say "that sounds like a low libido/low sex-drive" and "she might not be asexual as it's not that you become asexual, you just are." In my case, so it's better to understand and somewhat similar to your wife's hormone issue, I have PCOS, meaning I have high testosterone levels, which means I have a high sex-drive. But I have no desire to have sex with anyone.

 

I think your wife is just affected from using birth control, and from depression. She could just stop using birth control and use other contraceptives that won't affect her hormones.

 

As for her depression. I think she just needs to get better. But it takes time and help on your part. You might've contributed to her depression even more just by her discovering what you've been doing behind her back. You should probably just show her love as much as possible. A depressed person feels the need for more love than ever, even if they don't ask or show it.

 

As for you masterbating, I think you should talk to her about that. She should understand that you have needs. Just communicating with her should be top priority. It'd be unfortunate if you'd separate and get a divorce as you have two kids who would be greatly affected.

 

I hope things work out for you.

[Guest]

She is being overly jealous and controlling. Not OK. 

 

However... I can understand the feeling of wanting to be the only one that turns a partner on and them not use porn or look at others. I cried myself to sleep a lot over porn use in my relationships. And it caused me to pull away and be uncomfortable with sexuality, being iniated felt like someone else was sparking it and I was just the one available not the one wanted, etc. Porn can be severely damaging to a partners self esteem and ability to be comfortable being desired. If you reached addiction levels and were messaging other women, that could be a lot of the reason.

 

But... she cant control you. She needs to work on those feelings with you. You should be free to masturbate as much as you want. If she wants you to masturbate to her, she could work on ways she could turn you on (pics, writing, teasing) . 

 

Regardless of if she is asexual or not, you two need counseling to work out her controlling and jealous behavior. I get the why she might feel that way, but adults are meant to learn to deal with it, not demand their partners bend over backwards for them. 

[ryn2]

Agreed with serran... sometimes in the broader context of other dishonest behavior (addiction, phone sex, sexual interaction online, etc.) masturbation can get lumped in with “cheating,” but in the end that specific part is on her to work out.  She may decide she can’t be with someone who fantasizes about or masturbates to thoughts of people who are not her, and that’s her prerogative, but she can’t force you (or anyone) to accommodate her demands.

 

If it came about as a reaction to cheating or “could be cheating depending on interpretation” behavior, therapy might be helpful.  If nothing else it could help sort out whether or not there’s still a workable relationship underneath all the struggles.

[addicthubby]

On 4/28/2019 at 12:55 AM, chairdesklamp said:

These are all very good points, and as said, either your wife's orientation has changed (happens! I used to be biromantic, and in my 30s, my feelings for women just slowly dimmed away. So now I'm homoromantic) or she's using the word wrong and kind of appropriating it, and it's actually possibly stress or depression, which you've mentioned being in there, and kill libido. Other reasons could very well also apply.

 

All this has been said before, but one thing really sets off alarm bells in my head.

 

I'm hearing (reading?) that part 'she needs me to be all about her, and not express my needs to her. Fantasies...are all inappropriate...' You say stuff like this a couple times. Also that it's okay for her to just say or do stuff to you but not the other way around. This is not asexuality; this is controlling. 

 

Your partner may not be into every thing you are. Your partner may not be into sex. That's fine on its own, but you need to negotiate new boundaries either way. But the red flag I'm seeing is, well, let's use a metaphor:

 

Removing sex from the equation for a moment, my ex-wife LOVED Kitchen Nightmares and all those other reality things where people were just bullying each other. You can tell I don't like them. So she was free to watch them, and I didn't join her. I also didn't put them down to her, even if I don't like them.  On the flip side, I wasn't allowed to have any interests, friends, etc., she didn't approve of. I had to get rid of my VCR and huge record and tape collection because she wanted to pretend to be 20. The reason is irrelevant. She crossed a HUGE line doing that to me. One of the reasons I left her. What I did about her reality TV was a better way to handle it. She could have also gotten other people to watch with, and that would have been fine to me. But polyamory doesn't work for everyone. 

 

But anyway, now, if your fantasies were, say, racist in nature, yeah, that's a problem, but the problem would be the racism, not that it's a fantasy you have.

 

I don't know much all of what's out there, but say you're into 'naughty nurse.' If she's not into doing that, it should be fine if you, say, masturbate to imagining her on you in a sexy nurse costume. It's not her duty to have sex, and I feel you respect that from what I read. But she also doesn't get a say on whether or not you relieve yourself. And if you wanna imagine whatever while relieving yourself with your hands, she really has no say any more than you do on whether she does any sex thing.

 

Her boundaries may be she can't have sex at all, or something else. And that is also fine on its own.

 

The question is whether you two can go on being together, should that be the case, but again, there's no 'clear true way'/'only one moral choice' here. It's what works best for BOTH OF YOU. All relationships are there for the benefit of all involved parties. 

 

A relationship is healthy when both people are there for and respect and are attuned to each other. You her, and her you. Both ways. 

 

Thank you so much for your response. At the current moment, I understand and can relate to what you're saying. As you put it with regards to relieving myself that is not allowed in her eyes. She views it as cheating when I do it, but not when she does/used to do it (unsure when she has last could be years). Divorce is not an option I'm willing to accept as I do love her, our kids, and want our lives to be better. The humiliation of divorce and shame that comes from it would be too severe to endure.

[addicthubby]

On 4/28/2019 at 2:17 AM, a.creative said:

Hello!

 

I'm sure the other comments above say "that sounds like a low libido/low sex-drive" and "she might not be asexual as it's not that you become asexual, you just are." In my case, so it's better to understand and somewhat similar to your wife's hormone issue, I have PCOS, meaning I have high testosterone levels, which means I have a high sex-drive. But I have no desire to have sex with anyone.

 

I think your wife is just affected from using birth control, and from depression. She could just stop using birth control and use other contraceptives that won't affect her hormones.

 

As for her depression. I think she just needs to get better. But it takes time and help on your part. You might've contributed to her depression even more just by her discovering what you've been doing behind her back. You should probably just show her love as much as possible. A depressed person feels the need for more love than ever, even if they don't ask or show it.

 

As for you masterbating, I think you should talk to her about that. She should understand that you have needs. Just communicating with her should be top priority. It'd be unfortunate if you'd separate and get a divorce as you have two kids who would be greatly affected.

 

I hope things work out for you.

Thank you for your understanding and kind words. I have wondered this as well: if she just is having hormonal changes but thinks that it isn't because of them. Her biggest thing is that by eliminating sex from her thinking or time, it allows her to get more done and focus. She creates an immense list of things "to-do" and so now not worrying about sex means she can "focus" better. I have talked to her about masturbation in the past but she consistently has argued that I cannot dictate to her what she should think about it. If it makes her uncomfortable, then all I can do is take it or leave it. She views it no differently than if I was asking her to do something else sexual that she is against. So I can either continue to disrespect her and her feelings, or stop. So yes it's definitely controlling but her rebuttal to that is that she is not keeping me against my will and will never keep our kids from me if I want to leave. I alone decide whether our life as it is makes me happy or doesn't. 

[addicthubby]

On 4/28/2019 at 9:59 AM, Serran said:

She is being overly jealous and controlling. Not OK. 

 

However... I can understand the feeling of wanting to be the only one that turns a partner on and them not use porn or look at others. I cried myself to sleep a lot over porn use in my relationships. And it caused me to pull away and be uncomfortable with sexuality, being iniated felt like someone else was sparking it and I was just the one available not the one wanted, etc. Porn can be severely damaging to a partners self esteem and ability to be comfortable being desired. If you reached addiction levels and were messaging other women, that could be a lot of the reason.

 

But... she cant control you. She needs to work on those feelings with you. You should be free to masturbate as much as you want. If she wants you to masturbate to her, she could work on ways she could turn you on (pics, writing, teasing) . 

 

Regardless of if she is asexual or not, you two need counseling to work out her controlling and jealous behavior. I get the why she might feel that way, but adults are meant to learn to deal with it, not demand their partners bend over backwards for them. 

Thank you for your response. When we have talked about it in the past, she's always asked the same question: "why isn't the sex we have when we have it not enough? Why am I not enough just as I am?" She also refutes the idea of controlling and instead argues that she's simply being honest about what her needs and expectations are of someone who wants to be with her. I'm welcome to leave at any time, but she should not have to give up how she feels and accept something she is not comfortable (read violated by) with. One time she made the analogy that if I was into something (particular kink lets say) that she could never be okay with, should she still have to accept it because it's what I want? And if not, then why would me masturbating be treated any differently. I alone get to choose whether I do or don't do things she feels disrespected and/or violated by. She's given a lot of thought to how she feels and is confident in it. Leaves me choosing to accept it or not and I guess I'm failing in accepting it by even being here and trying to reach out. 

[ryn2]

That’s a bit like feeling violated by someone eating solid food (ever, not just in front of you), though.  It’s certainly her prerogative but it’s going to be very challenging for her to go through life feeling unviolated.

 

The place where it potentially becomes controlling is this:  from your posts, you clearly don’t consider initiating divorce an option.  It’s not just “not your preference” - it’s entirely off the table.  If she knows that, she’s setting up a false choice between the outcome she wants and something she knows you will never choose.

 

All of this is where a counselor can help, though.  A counselor or therapist can listen to your various concerns, expectations, and compromises and help - as a neutral third party - separate those which are healthy and reasonable from those which are neither.

[Guest]

Why does she feel violated by you masturbating alone without porn ? Or to something she does that excites you but allows you to do it without her around ? 

 

Like... I get the dont use porn thing. Or masturbate to her. Or other ways to make her feel exclusive and all. But, shes basically feeling violated by you touching your own body. And thats not her business. And no one can stop the fact they have a libido and libidos vary, hers may not match yours. But, if you include her in meeting yours solo, why would that be not OK with her?

 

And did she feel the same before the porn addiction?

 

Maybe if you frame it as it isnt she isnt enough, it is just that your body craves release physically more often than hers. So, you need something to alleviate that physical feeling of needing to release. If she wants to be included, she can. If she doesnt want other people included, you can avoid that (if you are OK with it). But, you have needs that you cant just ignore. And need some outlet for when she isnt in the mood, even though you would prefer her if it was an option ?

 

 

Edit: Re kink... uh. Kink involves multiple people usually.  Masturbation involves no one but you. But, if you had a kink that involved absolutely no one else and you could do in the privacy of your home and hurt no one and nothing ... why would she not accept it ? Like, I dont get why she cares how you touch your own parts. 

[Samule]

26 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

It would have to be one hella other side.

Yes, maybe. But the OP does say his porn use was of a type where he was lucky not to get sacked, let alone arrested. If you take that at face value - and I don't know if I do - then that might put a different complexion on it.

[ryn2]

It definitely seems like a situation that could only benefit from some help sorting through everything and tackling any underlying issues on either side...

[ryn2]

Some of what’s described parallels my last relationship and it can get really complicated.  It definitely has the potential to bring out the worst in both people...

[ryn2]

Sometimes what’s happened doesn’t make things okay, but it makes them understandable.

[Guest]

49 minutes ago, CBC said:

Whole thing sounds like a story with a lot going on. I'm hella sceptical it's all the wife's fault. Regardless, counselling seems in order.

Not her fault, exactly. But, its important for her to unpack all those feelings somewhere. I mean, I could hardly stomach watching TV shows that had any sex. Like... even without nudity, it just sent me spiraling into a week of anxiety ridden crying. So, I get how things can make others seem huge. But, its still not OK to just say nope you can never masturbate. 

 

So... yeah counseling is a great idea. 

[anisotrophic]

Said it a month ago 😄

 

It's like, I can say I empathize with pieces here, but the whole package has neon "therapy needed" tape all over it. Like an agony aunt crime scene.

[Philip027]

On 4/30/2019 at 9:20 AM, addicthubby said:

The humiliation of divorce and shame that comes from it would be too severe to endure.

You know what they say about courage?  You would think it's about one's ability to stand their ground, but it's really more about knowing when to run away.

 

There is nothing shameful about splitting up.  What really would be a shame is convincing yourself you must stay in a relationship you're unhappy in, because it would "look bad" or some other BS if you didn't.