Sick of questioning my gender.

[flannel_fag]

Hi, I'm an AFAB 15-year-old who's sick of questioning their gender anymore. I have been for a little under a year now, and I'm sick of going through phases of panic where I just don't know who I am, what I identify as, feeling so mixed up about what to do with myself.

 

I have no idea who or what or where I am on the spectrum. I don't know if my issues are dysphoria or something else unrelated to my questioning, but I just want to find out, at this point. I've been researching a probably unhealthy amount, and have gotten nowhere. And I know, you don't need a label or anything, but God I hate not knowing.

 

I hate my body. I hate my thick thighs and my breasts. I hate my face. I think most of all, I hate my voice. For a fifteen year old, my voice is squeaky and shrill. Not exactly pleasant to the ear. I sound like a 8-year-old girl, for reference. And I despise it. I was anorexic for a little under a year only a few months ago; because I wanted to cut down on my weight. Even though I was already unhealthily underweight (around this time, my BMI dropped to about 14.7.) I wanted to make my thighs skinnier, my hips narrower, break my naturally curvy figure. I managed to crawl out of that dark hole- but I fell into another, I guess is the best way to put it. Basically, I hated looking feminine. I was and am a tomboy. Don't like looking feminine or being feminine, never has. Never was into that stuff, even as a young kid.

 

Gender-questioning. I can't remember when or where it started, or how I spiralled into it, but I learnt about transgenderism from a close online friend, who was a trans-male himself. I have many trans friends, the majority of them FtM, who have all inspired me in different ways. And I'm slowly realising that.. I want to be a boy. 

 

If at birth, I had the choice to be either a girl or a boy, I'd pick boy in a heartbeat. I think all this and still wonder whether I am transgender, or perhaps this really is a phase. But I'm sick of it either way. I'm not entirely sure what social or physical dysphoria is and the difference between the two, but I can speak about what it feels in public.

 

I love being misgendered for a male. It never happens in real life, which can be painful to take in at times, seeing as I look very feminine: My face is feminine, my hair, the way I'm forced to dress and my figure. So when it does happen (online), it brings me a bout of joy. I was mistaked for a boy, a guy, a dude, a male! I wish I could dress how I like. I want to cut my hair short, pick clothes from the boy's section, not care about gender norms and forget about stereotypes. I want to be a boy. I want to look like a male, sound like a male, dress like a male.

 

Even after all this, I'm still scared. Confused. Is it just a phase? Will I hate being a boy? I'm terrified of coming out to my parents. My mother has never shown much support towards the transgender community. My stepfather? Forget it.

 

As I'm writing this, I'm becoming more sure. I do want to be a boy. I really do. As I said before: I want to look like a boy, sound like a boy, dress like a boy, pass as a boy. I want to go by he/him. 

 

But... I'm scared. I'm really scared. I have this.. fear of men? It correlates with things that have occured in the past with men, past experiences. Men scare me. Yet at the same time, I want to be one of them. I think, maybe, that's a source of my fear? I reject males and won't let them into my life. I have a bad relationship with my stepdad and don't really have any friends, let alone male friends. At the same time, though, I feel like a male. But I'm not sure if that's the right way to phrase it.

 

I'm scared, yeah. Scared of coming out to my parents, what I'll do about passing as a male, the whole transition deal. I haven't given surgery or transitioning much thought, I just.. want to be a boy. Want to look and act like one. Also scared that this is a phase I'll regret, scared of my parents' "told you so!" if this is the deal. 

 

This post has kind of spiralled off topic. I just need to know: Am I transgender? I know it's not exactly an umbrella topic (is that the phrase?) but I just need thoughts and advice. Do I show similar symptoms, or is this just me wanting to fit in with men? Wanting to look masculine? I really have no idea at this point.. I'm just rambling.

[Mezzo Forte]

First of all, you have my hugs if you want them. Being able to articulate these thoughts even in an anonymous forum is a big step in self discovery, and I understand the fear, frustration, and exhaustion that come from this questioning process. It may not seem like much to you, but allowing yourself to be vulnerable by sharing your thoughts is a big step, and I commend you for doing this.

 

Only you can truly determine if you are trans or not, but if there is something I can say, it's that coming out to yourself is a far bigger step than it seems. If you are indeed trans, then admitting that to yourself can be a scary step. All those doubts and fears you express are quite common, and many quite familiar from my own questioning process.

 

I needed four years of active gender questioning as unchecked dysphoria forcing me to my breaking point before I was able to admit to myself that I was trans. The fear of invalidation, the fear of regret, the process of starving to erase feminine fat distribution, the negative relationship with the speaking voice; all of these you described were part of my journey as well. My questioning used to get so intense, I'd get headaches from the sheer density of my thinking process.

 

(That said, at 15, you especially should not be starving yourself, as it can actively stunt your growth, possibly getting in the way of developing potentially gender-affirming traits such as a taller/larger build. Self-starvation can also intensify mental health issues, as I learned that my eating schedule directly impacts the likelihood of my depressive episodes, for example. Even though I'm almost 3 years on testosterone, I have to actively tell myself that gaining weight isn't going to undo my transition, so I know asking you to eat enough food isn't an easy request. I know it's distressing, but in the long run, you have far more potential benefits from taking care of yourself.)

 

I'm going to be honest: you've only really listed reasons why you might be trans. Every counterargument seems to be about the fear of how the rest of the world would respond to your transition. Every trans person has harbored transition fears at some point in their life. I know the sentiment though: you want to be certain about your identity before taking any social/personal risks. That's okay, and it shows how deeply you're exploring this topic. Regardless, you are explicitly seeking outside confirmation while presenting your story in a way that strongly parallels trans narratives. You will find a lot of trans people who will resonate with your experiences, but no matter what others say about your identity, the answer to your question "am I trans?" can only truly be answered by one person: You. Somewhere inside you is your answer, and someday, you will be ready to embrace that answer.

[Celyn: The Lutening]

Building on what @Mezzo Forte says, society will try to tell you you're not trans. Ignore them.

 

Men can be awful but we can divorce the gender from the stuff it's guulty of, just like divorcing the merits of a book from its author if they did something problematic.  

[Starbogen]

I also agree with everything Mezzo said and yeah.. I see a lot of my own questioning experience in your stort too. I basically felt the same way about wanting to be a guy and wanting to get rid of any female traits on my body but at the same time being completely unsure if that meant I was truly male. And I'll be honest, I don't know if that sense of doubt ever goes away... 

 

From what I've seen there are some trans people who seem to have no doubt like that, others who did and then it faded as they transitioned, and others who just kinda carry an inactive version of it throught their lives. The key to being able to surpass the doubt is to just accept it exists, maybe even accept you might not be able to fully get rid of it, and just move on with life and what you want.

 

For me it helped a lot to just start experimenting with small things to make myself more masculine even though I wasn't sure if I was actually trans. Sometimes just doing it can help people realize what the answer it. I never had like a moment of revelation where I was sure of anything, but I just gradually did more and more things because I wanted to and it felt good. I started going by male pronouns online, bought more men's clothes, got a binder, cut my hair shorter and shorter, then started going by a male name and male pronouns at uni. All while not really being sure, I started living as a trans man. And then I just never stopped.

 

In the end for me it was about just sort of... not ignoring the doubt, even now over three years later I still talk about my worries and doubts sometimes, but it was sort of not giving it so much power over what I did or how I lived. I figured, there has to be a reason I want to be like this, and even though I can't 100% prove or be sure that I'm trans to others or to myself, living as male just feels more comfortable than the alternatives. For me that ended up being enough to just go with the flow and stop worrying so much about "the real ultimate truth of it all".

Like Celyn said, tons of people will tell you're not trans, some in really really harsh ways, but if being male turns out to be the answer for you then you just have to move on and do you (even if occassionally one of the people denying your identity is yourself). Just do what makes you happy, or at least try it for a while so you can see how it feels without having to fully commit. 

 

I will say this though.. since you're fifteen and don't think your parents would respond well to you coming out, just be careful. When I came out to my parents (still living with them) I was still not very sure of myself or what I was doing, just knew that I didn't want to keep being seen as female. But I was in a pretty vulnerable place where I needed support and they just broke me down and I regret coming out to them when I did/ how I did. And since you're already pretty scared of that I'd suggest you experiment first and figure things out first. Build yourself up. Try just.. existing as male within yourself, online, in private, with trusted friends. Get a sense of how that feels for you. If it's something you don't wanna stop doing, want to do more of, then you have something to work with. If it feels weird or you don't like it, you've learned something new too. 

 

Sometimes hypothetical thinking can only get you so far and you just need to try some stuff out, but yeah but safe about it. Try not to think about all your fears and worries and implications and complications about being male while you do it.. just be.