Guest iwanttolearn Posted March 20, 2019 Share Posted March 20, 2019 Hello, how is everyone? So I'm 22 turning 23 and obviously more and more of my friends have been talking to me about the pressure to get married from society (family, friends, the public)... asexuals and aromantics how do you cope? Link to post Share on other sites
Usernamethe2nd Posted March 20, 2019 Share Posted March 20, 2019 Yup, it sucks to an extent. Thankfully at least my family (which means my mom), has been very supportive of me in whatever I do. She just wants me to be happy, and hasn't pushed the whole marriage thing too much. Haha, and the people who know me realize I don't really fit into the marriage thing. Though when you get older into your 30's it gets harder I imagine. People will see you as weird or a loser. I am 28 so people say, "You still have time, you are plenty young". Link to post Share on other sites
Guest iwanttolearn Posted March 20, 2019 Share Posted March 20, 2019 11 minutes ago, CBC said: I guess some areas or cultures or families must deal with this more than others, because I never felt pressure to get married. (I got married... and shouldn't have at that point and will end up divorced eventually... but literally no one knew we were getting married, so it wasn't due to pressure.) Tbh, I've never even felt pressure to be in a relationship. I'm not ace or aro, just saying that's not necessarily everyone's experience. I'm sorry you're feeling that from people. I hate pressure and expectations from others with a passion. No advice really, other than remembering that the only person whose happiness matters is yours. Thank you, this means a lot...you really made my day Link to post Share on other sites
Homer Posted March 20, 2019 Share Posted March 20, 2019 1 hour ago, iwanttolearn said: So I'm 22 turning 23 and obviously more and more of my friends have been talking to me about the pressure to get married from society (family, friends, the public)... What does this pressure look like? What do these people do to make you get married? Link to post Share on other sites
Guest iwanttolearn Posted March 20, 2019 Share Posted March 20, 2019 47 minutes ago, Homer said: What does this pressure look like? What do these people do to make you get married? they will say isn't it time you settled down..haven't you found someone to be your life partner? or aren't you getting married yet? some cultures, i think especially Asian cultures are stricter when it comes to this. I would like to think marriage should something done out of joy and pure love, but in some cultures marriage is more of an obligation. And unfortunately, women/females face much greater pressure and are often scrutinised for not being married at a certain age. criticised for not bearing children or being undesirable because having children is a responsibility to continue the family line or provide parents with grandchildren. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest iwanttolearn Posted March 20, 2019 Share Posted March 20, 2019 45 minutes ago, Homer said: What does this pressure look like? What do these people do to make you get married? watch this ad Link to post Share on other sites
Anthracite_Impreza Posted March 20, 2019 Share Posted March 20, 2019 Everyone's given up with the idea of me getting married now, I'm just seen as the weirdo of the family (which is true, but they don't realise just how weird). I couldn't legally get married to who I'd want to anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
Lord Jade Cross Posted March 20, 2019 Share Posted March 20, 2019 . Link to post Share on other sites
everywhere and nowhere Posted March 20, 2019 Share Posted March 20, 2019 3 hours ago, Usernamethe2nd said: Though when you get older into your 30's it gets harder I imagine. People will see you as weird or a loser. I am 28 so people say, "You still have time, you are plenty young". I would rather say it gets easier. At this point people realise how unlikely I am to ever change my mind. Link to post Share on other sites
Usernamethe2nd Posted March 20, 2019 Share Posted March 20, 2019 1 minute ago, Nowhere Girl said: I would rather say it gets easier. At this point people realise how unlikely I am to ever change my mind. ^ I sure hope that's case, because I'm certainly pretty comfortable to never get in a marriage. : ) Link to post Share on other sites
Homer Posted March 20, 2019 Share Posted March 20, 2019 2 hours ago, iwanttolearn said: they will say isn't it time you settled down..haven't you found someone to be your life partner? or aren't you getting married yet? I think that those are legitimate questions, to which "I don't want to" is a legitimate answer. It's annoying, yes, but no pressure IMO. Pressure would be "get married, or else." Now I won't vouch for Asian countries here, but I don't see that happening around me. I got my fair share of annoying questions though @Nowhere Girl It definitely got easier for me. I'm 36 and if I brought someone with me and introduced them as my SO, nobody would believe me Link to post Share on other sites
fuzzipueo Posted March 20, 2019 Share Posted March 20, 2019 5 hours ago, iwanttolearn said: watch this ad Good video. Thank you for sharing. "Leftover men need to try harder." Great quote. LOL Link to post Share on other sites
Firefly8 Posted March 20, 2019 Share Posted March 20, 2019 I'm just hoping in a few more years people will see me as too old to ask or care. People don't ask 40 year olds if they want kids some day and why not and there's still time to change your mind and all that BS. I think my mom has finally given up on me having grandkids for her, but that was a long annoying phase to go through. Link to post Share on other sites
SpaceDustbin Posted March 20, 2019 Share Posted March 20, 2019 When you're in your early 20s people still have a lot of expectations (both the 'young ones' themselves and ~society~), but it get's less bad over time. Or they just give up on you as a lost case I'm 29 and permanently single, and by now most people have stopped asking me about my plans for marriage/kids/settling down, but a few years ago it was hell. Just have to wait it out, or find other friends Link to post Share on other sites
secrethamster Posted March 20, 2019 Share Posted March 20, 2019 I've never been pressured to marry (I'm only 20) but I am familiar with the pressure to date and be in relationships. I get comments like, "any cute boys at school? why not?" "One day you'll meet someone." Luckily the attention has recently been directed to my younger sister who actually has an SO the family can obsess over. I always answer with the typical "I'm busy with school" response. I hope the pressure doesn't increase in the future, but if it does I might just come out and say "I'm aro ace = forever alone. So stop asking." Link to post Share on other sites
abandoned-account Posted March 21, 2019 Share Posted March 21, 2019 I believe nobody should ever feel pressured into dating or marriage, aro/ace or otherwise. Link to post Share on other sites
SithLord Posted March 22, 2019 Share Posted March 22, 2019 I'm not really out to my family (only my sister) but because I'm in a relationship that doesn't really matter. Before being in a relationship I never felt any pressure, and even afterwards none of it came from my own family so it wasn't a big deal. The pressure came from his mom who I met I believe a year into our relationship and I'm not sure when exactly, but it was before the 2 year mark that she was asking about when we were getting married, asking about kids, etc. This died down a bit when his brother started having kids but never truely disappeared. Thank goodness we lived in different states. The only pressure I ever got from my family was inadvertently. My dad or mom would ask about my sister's relationship status because they were worried that she was still single. Maybe because she had only ever been in one relationship before then, but I'm not sure. This wasn't directed at me and I was told to keep their questions from my sister so as to not pressure her, so it wasn't intentional. But, I guess I cope by just saying "As long as I'm/they're happy, it should be fine, right?" We all move at our own pace and it's not like I'm going infertile anytime soon, so I wave it off because I've never really gotten anything high pressure or consistent. I'm lucky. Link to post Share on other sites
Fydron Posted March 23, 2019 Share Posted March 23, 2019 Well my family kept pestering me about not getting a girlfriend and not wanting to go to bars getting drunk when i was your age but after i got past 30 it just stopped and now my parents don't care anymore my brothers don't say anything either and all of my grandparents are dead so in my book i won its been nice six years now without any of that annoyance. Also looking from the distance my friends getting divorced or split and my brothers drama over nonsense i am glad i stayed really far away all of that drama. Link to post Share on other sites
Divide By Zero Posted March 23, 2019 Share Posted March 23, 2019 I've never had any pressure from family or friends, thankfully. Funny story - When I was a kid I frequently told my parents "I'm never going to get married" and they always said that when I was an adult I would change my mind and get married and have kids like everyone else. Well, it turns out I was right. It's just one sign of how I was obviously aro and ace even though I didn't know it at the time. Link to post Share on other sites
Laplace Posted March 24, 2019 Share Posted March 24, 2019 As a a guy who is nearly 25 years old and has tons of cousins who are getting married, there is mounting pressure just for me to start dating. Both relatives and random people are surprised that I haven’t dated anyone and encourage me to find someone to settle down with. I’m just like, “Do you really think I can support a relationship?” I’m not financially stable, I struggle to even remember someone’s name, and I have a very limited set of interests that aren’t exactly universally appealing (video games, practicing with weapons, etc.). The problem is everyone thinks I’m so well-behaved and academically intelligent that I just HAVE to be able to find someone. Plus I’m the eldest son and I’m one of only a few guys in my generation in my bloodline in an Asian family. I just kinda play along now cause everyone has already concluded that I will come around and date and marry one day 🙄. Link to post Share on other sites
- Ness - Posted March 24, 2019 Share Posted March 24, 2019 I think it does depends what country and people you're around with. My family, being the Christians they are pretty much start talking about marriage and family real early on. I guess its a thing in my religion where a lot of people tend to get married very early on at around 18-19. Through, this is both sides decision. As for me, I'm kinda leaning on to not getting married or having kids because I like the freedom of doing what I just like, and I kinda have no patience as well. My parents think I'm a very odd child because of my refusal of dating. Link to post Share on other sites
intensivecoffee Posted March 26, 2019 Share Posted March 26, 2019 I used to feel a lot of pressure from my family and friends. Like, literally every family dinner - WHY DON'T YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND YET???? And I actually cared about it for some reason, even reaching the lowest of points - getting some random girl on the Internet to pretend to be in a relationship with me on Facebook (I know, it's just sad), just so people would stop that. It didn't work out, 1/10. I did realize how dumb that whole thing was, at least. They stopped trying, but only because it's a very sensitive topic with me these days. At least I got some peace out of my recent, not so great experience. EDIT: I feel I should add that these two situations (fake relationship, the other thing) are not related. Link to post Share on other sites
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