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xstatic ☆゚°˖* ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ

Had my first sad moment with my partner this weekend.

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xstatic ☆゚°˖* ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ

First off let me just say that I've been on the forum for a while now and talked about my relationship openly, but recently found out that my ex was lurking here so I've had to conceal my identity a bit.  But that was a few weeks ago, and I feel like that probably isn't the case at the moment.

 

That being said, I had an incident happen this weekend that really made me feel kind of terrible. As I've stated before, I'm in a relationship with an aro/ace.  I love him immensely, and don't mind the fact that he is aro/ace.  We have been dating for over 6 months now.  In those 6 months, he has grown a lot. We went from strictly cuddling, to a much more intimate relationship brought on by a more scheduled routine.  It was a routine suggested by me as he is an extreme introvert. And he has admitted that he really likes it because it takes away the stress of wondering what I expect.

 

So this weekend we spent all of Saturday together, which isn't a usual for us, but there was an event that we went to. We had a really great time. And he spent the night. The next morning he wanted to go pretty early in the morning, which is what he always does. But I asked him to stay because in all of our time together I haven't had an actual unrushed morning with him.  So, he was hesitant, but he did stay.  We talked for quite a while.  I actually thought it was really nice.  But while we were talking, he told me that he didn't think our relationship would last nearly as long as it has, nor does he consider our relationship long-term.  He said that he hates thinking about the future, and that there was no way he would ever consider living with me.  

 

Now as one might imagine, that really crushed me. I don't expect him to be romantic with me. I don't expect him to love me in any capacity like I love him. But his words definitely confused me. I felt like maybe he's been placating me because he knows I'm in a tough spot in life and he wants me to be happy. Maybe that's still true, I'm just not sure.

 

I brought it up last night, and I even gave him an out.  I told him that if us being together was impeding his happiness, and that he truly was doing it as an empath and nothing more, that we should go back to being just friends.  Because the thought of me burdening him breaks my heart.  He told me that I am absolutely not a burden, and that he was just in a bad headspace.  He used the spoons analogy.  Said that he should have told me that he had run out and that as an extreme introvert when he does run out he just shuts down. And if he shuts down like that, he will start to focus on the negative thoughts in his head and he won't be able to filter them.  So, he assures me that we are okay.

 

I do believe that he is being completely honest with me. He always has been. But I've got to say, that was really hard for me. It was a hard Sunday, And a really hard Monday. Since we work together, I had to just see him all day on Monday knowing that he had said those things but not having had the ability to resolve it yet.  I swear, the introvert in him is much harder to deal with than the aro/ace aspect.  He keeps me at arm's length.  But I know that he has let me in far more than anyone else in his life so far. So I have faith that we can overcome these issues. I am a patient person, I am an understanding person, I'm a loving person, I'm a fair person.  But even I need my time to vent I suppose.

 

I'm not sure what I'm looking for right now by posting this. I don't know if I'm looking for advice, or maybe just an ear. Maybe just a group of people who might understand the situation.  At any rate, thanks for hearing out my moment of frustration.

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Sally

I'm wondering:  regarding overcoming these issues, you say you are a patient person.  Are you hoping that by being patient, these issues will be overcome by him changing?  

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xstatic ☆゚°˖* ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ
2 hours ago, Sally said:

I'm wondering:  regarding overcoming these issues, you say you are a patient person.  Are you hoping that by being patient, these issues will be overcome by him changing?  

Being that this is his first relationship and we are both in our upper thirties, I am very understanding of the fact that he has a lot to figure out about himself in this process of us being together.  He and I have talked about this.  So when I talk of patience, I mean that I will be patient throughout his process of working himself out.

 

Am I hoping that being patient, these issues will be overcome? When it comes to him committing to this relationship, absolutely.  

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Serran

Hmm. Over time introverts can become more used to people, but usually what helps overcome the need for space and shutting down is a deep emotional tie to the person (love) overriding it a bit and letting the person fold into the introvert routine, because being apart is painful and the energy needed to be together is less than to be apart. 

 

My spouse is a major introvert. She used to not want to share beds, or get married, or live with me, or even talk on Skype much, etc. But, when that started to change is when she started to love me romantically (which she didnt think would be a thing, which I accepted). For those she has no romantic feelings for, the stand offish wall never falls. Her best friend of almost a decade isn't even invited to her house, was not invited to our wedding, etc. 

 

So it is entirely possible your partner won't overcome this. But, maybe he will. If he doesn't though, is this enough for you?

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Chihiro
37 minutes ago, Serran said:

My spouse is a major introvert. She used to not want to share beds, or get married, or live with me, or even talk on Skype much, etc. But, when that started to change is when she started to love me romantically (which she didnt think would be a thing, which I accepted). For those she has no romantic feelings for, the stand offish wall never falls. Her best friend of almost a decade isn't even invited to her house, was not invited to our wedding, etc. 

I am like that too, if I don't have romantic feelings I can't do those^^ things (except living together, but in different beds/rooms). I will care about the person, like best friend/family and would do everything for them and be with them, but sharing personal space is hard. But when I have romantic feelings, I will be okay with such things.

 

@Serran Did you do anything to ease your partner into doing these things? For example, talking on Skype. Did you for instance, tell them the benefit of talking on Skype or when in love, did they themselves bring up the topic of Skyping? Were they comfortable with it after the first RL meet-up? 

 

I am just wondering what my future partner can say that can help me get on Skype call, LOL. It almost feels like video-calling is expected in relationships and I should prep myself for that.

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Serran

We dont video call, just audio. But, all I did was leave it up to her. Started out short calls once a month or so. Moved to longer ones. Then bi-weekly, weekly, up to current is pretty much 4 hours daily if we dont have obligations requiring our time. This was over a span of years though. First year or so together we didnt really call much at all. And the daily has only happened recently, as in, last month or so after 7 months of marriage and being used to living together. 

 

I basically haven't pushed to get anything different than what she wants to offer. Sexual stuff, romantic stuff, time together..  all up to her I wont push. When she said she couldn't love me, I said it was fine, I could tell she cared by actions (now we say we love each other a lot though). I tell her how I feel, like 6 weeks not talking right before marriage was not a nice feeling, but I dont push her to change anything for me. 

 

The only thing I do push is her telling me how she feels about things, or sharing a bit of info about plans and stuff. I don't like being left in the dark. 

 

Everything else is more a give me what you want to offer. And shes mostly the same. We try not to pressure each other, because we have both experienced pressure to be different or meet someones needs to our own detriment. 

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Chihiro

@Serran Ah, makes sense that with time they got used to it.

 

My problem is that, certain things don't even cross my mind unless the partner brings it up. Left to my own, I won't even think (well take action or talk about) about stuff like moving-in-and-living-together, even though I do want to and daydream about it. I will most likely never bring up all those topics and I dunno what a partner can do without making me feel pressured.

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xstatic ☆゚°˖* ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ

Well in my case, my partner has never experienced romantic attraction before. However, he has never been in a position where that might be possible. As far as we both know he's aro.  We still hope for the possibility of demi, but we're not banking on it.  he does like physical contact in the way of cuddling. He also doesn't seem to mind texting.  If he's not in the mood to text he just won't check his phone, and that's fine.  Always gets back to me eventually.  

 

2 hours ago, Serran said:

So it is entirely possible your partner won't overcome this. But, maybe he will. If he doesn't though, is this enough for you?

It's fine for now.  I can't live forever without a commitment though.  I can't live with 'I know this isn't going to last' as my partner's continued thought of our relationship.  I feel like long-term that would be disrespectful of my needs and would eventually make us incompatible.  It gives him an easy out whenever he wants and it's just not fair to me.  It might just be because he's scared.  I don't really know.  That's the one thing he won't talk about.  Says he needs time to work though his mental blocks.

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anamikanon

My ace is a lot like that. Super affectionate, but a fortress when upset. He can't express himself unless it gets too much and comes out in a destructive, uncontrollable burst of anger - at himself or someone else. Not physically violent, but cruel words. Often directed at himself.

 

Much discussion later, we found that he has emotional blindness - he is not easily able to identify his emotions or state them. So he literally lacks the vocabulary for bad times, so to say. It helped us to try and name emotions in a "closed" episode. Angry? Confused? Hurt? Frustrated? Sad? What's going on? Sometimes I state how he appears to me. I may say "you seem pretty pissed. What's going on?" - that also can help him find words. "I'm not angry, just frustrated that this thing isn't moving" etc.

 

Left to himself, he'll take some space to calm down and return to normal and never discuss what happened.

 

To some extent, I also have to accept that he is like that and I do what I can to help without taking it personally. In the sense he isn't "shutting me out", he's overwhelmed and unable to handle conversation. Sometimes I just give him a lot of space to play out the muddle in his mind and make sense of it before we can discuss it.

 

It is how it is.

 

In other disucssions, we have actually discussed how his inability to be aware of his own emotions plays a hand in his asexuality - because he doesn't sense sexual arousal in the moment and respond to it either. He simply isn't very aware of himself. This insight in turn helped us understand how his mind works and him being relaxed and receptive and somewhat attuned to emotions generally results in a more pleasurable intimacy for us or he can just cuddle on autopilot without actively enjoying the sensation at all.

 

That said, this can get old really fast once the novelty wears off and the survival of our relationship depends on what else is there more than any success at making intimacy work. That is a bonus when it works and we have plenty to fall back on when it doesn't.

 

It is a ramble and doesn't directly answer anything, which you haven't directly asked anyway...

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andreas1033

Yep, when your asexual, it can be difficult, to understand what your actually feeling, or not. Also being one, you have to psycho analyse yourself alot more then most people i would think.

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