I think I've been in an Asexual relationship for a couple years without knowing it...

[KiannaKitter]

I need some advice. 

 

I have this good friend. Best friend. We've known each other for about 3 years. It's a guy. Let's call him M.  Right from the moment we met he's shown interest in me in the romantic sense, even though he knew at that point, that I identified as a lesbian. He would still flirt and I would roll my eyes. We live 5 minutes apart and we started hanging out. At first, it was just one day of the week, then the number increased and now it's every other day, if not more.

 

I feel like we do everything together: we work out together, we watch movies together, we eat together multiple times a week (he cooks and I do the dishes), we do diamond painting and puzzles together, we play board games and games on the PS3 together, we chat every day on messenger; I tell him every little thing about my day (the conversation rarely stops) and he gives as good as he gets; mostly it's innocent, but sometimes we trip over the line into kinda flirting. We go on road trips together for hours about 4 times a week at least where we just drive around listening to music, we've done 20 hour road trips together too and not gotten sick of each other. We hike together and have done 25K walks together during the summer since we both love nature. He buys me presents or just get me things he thinks I'll like. For my birthday this year, he got me a really beautiful ring. 

 

About a year into our friendship, he confessed he had feelings for me and said he loved me. I turned him down because I still thought I was gay. He was hurt but took it okay. Said he needed some space from me. That only lasted a week and then he was back and slowly we seeped right back into our old routine. I tried to remind him that he needed space but he seemed unable to stay away and I was unable to push him away because I didn't want him to leave either. Slowly we gravitated into sensual attraction; we would cuddle on the couch, we would hug a lot, he would reach over and hold my hand or place his hand on my thigh while driving, lately, he's been touching my face a lot and been laying with his head in my lap - almost like he's trying out boundaries. I don't mind it, I actually quite like it and didn't see anything wrong with it if we both liked it. 

 

But then I realized I was actually a Bi-Romantic Asexual and then it hit me; he and I are practically doing everything a sensual/asexual couple would do in a relationship, except for kissing. Everyone around us IRL has been teasing us for years that "we're dating" and anyone else following our FB posts would for sure think we're together. I always dismissed it. But now I have reached a point where I'm thinking that "Yes, I might actually want to officially date him." Because when it comes down to it, I am getting pretty much all my needs met in this dynamic. It is the kind of romantic relationship I've wanted all along.

 

That raises a whole new set of problems though because even though I know he still loves me, he is very much NOT asexual and I tried to ask him how he would feel being in an asexual relationship (without asking him to date me specifically) and he said he would have a hard time with that. That sex was important to him and that he loved making his partner writhe in pleasure. That makes me hesitate because I don't want to limit him in his desires. Even if he chooses to be with me which I think he would because he is still very much in love with me, I think I would feel forever guilty since I would always know that I am not fulfilling his urges. Like I am a bad girlfriend and that could lead to something very toxic for both of us. Even though, I am not sure what we're doing right now is that healthy either. 

 

I'm afraid for my heart too. I am afraid to open up completely and let him in that way because once I allow myself to feel, I love hard and with my whole heart and soul. And I am scared that if we did take that step, he would come to the conclusion within a few months tops, that he can't do it and leave. And by then it would be too late for my heart. 

 

Tonight I started thinking of alternative relationship options. I've been considering offering him an open relationship where he is free to have sex with anyone he wants on the side. The thing is, I have always considered myself monogamous (even though polygamy intrigues me somewhat) and I am not sure I could handle that when it comes down to the reality of it. I don't think I should have to compromise that much either if it's gonna be detrimental to my well-being in the long run.

 

So what do you guys think I should do? 

[Birbie]

It sounds like he's really into you. If you guys really wanted this, you both should be willing to put up with each others quirks and baggage. The open relationship idea is an option, but there could be a lot more available. I think you should sit down and have an honest talk with him about your sexuality and how he feels about being in a relationship after. I feel like you should talk to him though, communication is key!

[Maeve]

Wow - sounds like an amazing relationship! I can certainly understand your dilemma but it sounds to me like you have an incredible - and very rare - connection with this person. I agree with @Birbie that sitting down and having a totally honest conversation seems like your best bet. You obviously have great communication in your relationship, so that bodes well! 

 

I hope you two find a way of togetherness that meets both of your needs. 

 

Best of luck to you both ☘️

[KiannaKitter]

Yes, we do have something amazing. And thank you for the advice. I guess you're both right. I need to talk to him, I am just scared to do it. I don't know how he would react to me suddenly making a 180 U-turn and being into him and wanting more, especially if what I want in a relationship is not what he wants. He knows I'm asexual now, he knows what that means, he told me straight that it would be hard to be with someone he loved and no be allowed to go there. I really don't want to mess up what we already have. I'll have to think it through before doing anything rash. 

[Guest]

If he has already said it would be hard to be with you, I would expect a no. But, he confessed feelings to you, so you could probably confess to him. I know it sucks but some people do just need that little extra (sexual attraction) to feel wanted in a romantic relationship, which it sounds like he is one. Sounds like a great friendship you have though. 

[KiannaKitter]

8 hours ago, Serran said:

If he has already said it would be hard to be with you, I would expect a no. But, he confessed feelings to you, so you could probably confess to him. I know it sucks but some people do just need that little extra (sexual attraction) to feel wanted in a romantic relationship, which it sounds like he is one. Sounds like a great friendship you have though. 

 

Yeah. There is that possibility. I almost brought it up tonight with him, but I was a chicken in the end. I don't think I can actually do it unless he says something about it first. 😕

[MrDane]

He knows. But perhaps a small hope lurks inside of him. A hope, that one day, you will want to try things out. Next step is a hope about how, if you actually liked it, perhaps Are okay with doing it again. Then, if you liked it, perhaps you actually now desire it or even hope for it to happen. And bingo (or “vupti” as you would say in your native tongue!) now you are a sexual. Not an asexual. 

 

I am just saying, as I struggle with this on a daily basis, it is sooo easy to hope for something, even though you KNOW it aint never gonna happen. ‘If I could just kiss her that good that she would...’

 

 

...but if you guys are having a good time, then why stop. Just dont promise to much and be prepared for the ‘mixed relationship’ to be hard on that part. 

[KiannaKitter]

4 hours ago, MrDane said:

He knows. But perhaps a small hope lurks inside of him. A hope, that one day, you will want to try things out. Next step is a hope about how, if you actually liked it, perhaps Are okay with doing it again. Then, if you liked it, perhaps you actually now desire it or even hope for it to happen. And bingo (or “vupti” as you would say in your native tongue!) now you are a sexual. Not an asexual. 

 

I am just saying, as I struggle with this on a daily basis, it is sooo easy to hope for something, even though you KNOW it aint never gonna happen. ‘If I could just kiss her that good that she would...’

 

 

...but if you guys are having a good time, then why stop. Just dont promise to much and be prepared for the ‘mixed relationship’ to be hard on that part. 

 

He wouldn't push me for sex, that I am very sure about. He would let me take charge. What I am scared of is that if we got together, that I might actually initiate something out of guilt just to please him. And that would just be a whole new level of disaster that I don't want to get into.  

 

The more I think about it, the more I don't think now is the time to advance this relationship. He has some issues he is struggling with at the moment and is gonna take some time to sort through and I don't want to put anything extra on him to deal with on top of that.  I'll just wait, I guess. And do things as we've always done.