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LilMagpie

Advice Please. Not sure what to do

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LilMagpie
Posted (edited)

Hi All!

 

First of all i want to say hi, ive been lurking in the forum for a while but never created an account to post on.

 

In a bit of a situation. Im a straight guy and im really really close friends with a girl who is Asexual and i believe Aromantic (although she does talk about how she has crushes etc.)

Weve known each other for a good few years (weve never actually met - which might be weird). We talk about anything and everything, we enjoy spending time with each other whether thats texting or on snapchat etc.

Ive recently developed a really really strong crush for her and i know deep down that nothing can happen- 1. Due to her being Ace/Aro and 2. due to her having social anxiet.

I dont want to lose her as a friend and i know that if I distance myself then shell start asking questions.

 

Just a little confused as to what i should do.

 

Any advice will be appreciated.

Thanks!

Edited by LilMagpie

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Traveler40

Welcome @LilMagpie!  Well, if you’ve been lurking for some time, then you know the story. Based on your last comments, I’m assuming you know this isn’t for you?  

 

So, I ask, as you know she’s aro/ace and presumably understand you can’t do that longer term, then why not just be friends?  If you’re slightly less in touch as you actually desire to have a “real life”, then just explain it.

 

Life isn’t that tough.  Endeavor to keep things simple and straightforward. 

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LilMagpie

Hi @Traveler40

Thank you for replying.

Oh id love to be just friends, weve been just friends for years without any feelings or issues and id like to go back to that point just not sure how.

what do you mean by:

2 minutes ago, Traveler40 said:

If you’re slightly less in touch as you actually desire to have a “real life”, then just explain it.

Thanks!

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Traveler40

1. You’ve never actually met.

2. You seem to want a romantic connection, presumably including sex.

3. What you’re engaged in isn’t unique, but it’s not checking all the boxes you’d ultimately like it to. 

 

I may be off base, but it seemed you’d like an “in the flesh in all ways” relationship. This one isn’t cutting it and, while loathe to admit it, you are.  Less screen time may equate to more in person meetings with actual females....in the flesh.

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Loofah B. Shampoo

Well, there are still ways that you two can be close without making her uncomfortable, but if that's not satisfying for you, it gets more difficult. She should never be pressured for anything sexual, as you know. If I were you, I would politely talk to her about her feelings and how she identifies in particular (if she has crushes, there's hope for platonic things at least!) and only tell her how you feel if she's fairly comfortable with the concepts.

 

Truly, a sexless relationship is probably about the same about what you have now. This would just be getting an official status for a relationship.

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Traveler40

Don’t make it too tough - if she’s a long term, close friend, she should understand.  Just tell her how you feel.  It takes less time, less thought and is easier than you currently think. Communicate @LilMagpie, communicate!

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LilMagpie

Thank you @Loofah B. Shampoo and @Traveler40

She says shes Ace/Aro but talks about wanting to cuddle and kiss etc so not sure how that fits into it.

About sexless relationship that doesnt bother me as its not something i look for in general.

 

We are very close and very comfortable with one another. She has expressed wanting a partner one day.

just not exactly sure what steps to take.

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Loofah B. Shampoo

There's a lot of potential for platonic cuddles, then. If you ever plan on meeting each other, there's a possibility for that. Still, though, online relationships can be very difficult and you might have an easier time remaining friends and finding others that you might start to crush on, even if the first crush doesn't quite go away.

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LilMagpie
1 minute ago, Loofah B. Shampoo said:

There's a lot of potential for platonic cuddles, then. If you ever plan on meeting each other, there's a possibility for that. Still, though, online relationships can be very difficult and you might have an easier time remaining friends and finding others that you might start to crush on, even if the first crush doesn't quite go away.

Yeah i mean weve talked about cuddling quite a lot in the past. Sometimes shed say "I want to cuddle" i would reply with "yeah we will one day" and shed say "I know"  just her social anxiety gets in the way of her being able to go out and meet new people etc. Deep down i kind of understand and know that nothing can really happen or the chances are low but part of me still has that hope (even if it is pointless)

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Loofah B. Shampoo
23 minutes ago, LilMagpie said:

Yeah i mean weve talked about cuddling quite a lot in the past. Sometimes shed say "I want to cuddle" i would reply with "yeah we will one day" and shed say "I know"  just her social anxiety gets in the way of her being able to go out and meet new people etc. Deep down i kind of understand and know that nothing can really happen or the chances are low but part of me still has that hope (even if it is pointless)

Ah, I can understand that. If you're at all nearby, maybe you could meet her while she has someone with her, like a parent?

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LilMagpie
7 minutes ago, Loofah B. Shampoo said:

Ah, I can understand that. If you're at all nearby, maybe you could meet her while she has someone with her, like a parent?

She actually doesnt live that far. 30 minutes drive.

I could suggest it but as i said she has social anxiety (shes fairly comfortable with me though with videos and calls etc) and Agoraphobia (due to her social anxiety)

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Loofah B. Shampoo
Just now, LilMagpie said:

She actually doesnt live that far. 30 minutes drive.

I could suggest it but as i said she has social anxiety (shes fairly comfortable with me though with videos and calls etc) and Agoraphobia (due to her social anxiety)

That makes it hard. I suppose you could offer a very short meeting somewhere of her choosing?

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LilMagpie
7 minutes ago, Loofah B. Shampoo said:

That makes it hard. I suppose you could offer a very short meeting somewhere of her choosing?

Its definitely an option but i think the chances of that happening are really low.

how would i randomly bring it up?

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anamikanon
2 hours ago, LilMagpie said:

Ive recently developed a really really strong crush for her and i know deep down that nothing can happen- 1. Due to her being Ace/Aro and 2. due to her having social anxiet.

You seem to be accepting of this, so where is the problem?

2 hours ago, LilMagpie said:

I dont want to lose her as a friend and i know that if I distance myself then shell start asking questions.

You don't have to distance yourself, simply not proceed to romance/sex/exclusive relationship, etc - which you can have with someone (deally local - LDRs can be hell)

 

If she is aro/ace as you say, trust me, she isn't going to be missing romance and sex. That is all in your mind as a progression of a relationship - which you can do with someone else. In effect, your relationship with her doesn't have to change at all - unless you have implied exclusivity at some point, in which case, you'll probably be better off taking that off the table explicitly.

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Loofah B. Shampoo
34 minutes ago, LilMagpie said:

Its definitely an option but i think the chances of that happening are really low.

how would i randomly bring it up?

I'm not sure, really. I would do it over time, talk about places near her that she likes, maybe. Talk about possible meetups, more. Ask what helps her calm down in anxiety inducing situations.

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anamikanon
1 hour ago, LilMagpie said:

Yeah i mean weve talked about cuddling quite a lot in the past. Sometimes shed say "I want to cuddle" i would reply with "yeah we will one day" and shed say "I know"  just her social anxiety gets in the way of her being able to go out and meet new people etc.

Ah ok. I would suggest that you don't suggest cuddles, etc unless you are genuinely okay with it. Her social anxiety is HER problem. And I'm not saying this unkindly, just pointing out boundaries. You can't cuddle her because she's too anxious to meet new people who may be more suitable.

 

You cuddle her if you want to cuddle her - and no more.

 

1 hour ago, LilMagpie said:

Deep down i kind of understand and know that nothing can really happen or the chances are low but part of me still has that hope (even if it is pointless)

This way is the rabbithole. Every sexual here will tell you about the power of denial. Go down that road and you will not be the same person again. You'll go through a pretty heavy duty cycle of coming to terms with her asexuality, and on the other end of it - if successful - you'll be in an extremely emotional relationship with her, which would make any exit harder as well.

 

I would recommend that if you see the incompatibility early on, don't sign both of you up for a mismatched relationship. Have a close platonic friendship that isn't exclusive. You can be good friends, emotionally intimate, physically close and comfortabel without building a monument to it that BOTH of you will be tormented by if you care about each other.

 

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LilMagpie

@anamikanon and @Loofah B. Shampoo

You both made really valid points.. its just trying to get over this crush while still being friends and not feeling the "sadness" of knowing that nothing can happen.

If that makes sense

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anamikanon

Better to mourn now and make responsible choices than repent at leisure.

 

If it helps, understand that not being able to meet your needs in the relationship will also be hell on her. You aren't just sacrificing your sex life, you are also sacrificing her lack of a sex life. Even if you don't pressure her for sex, she'd have to be exceptionally dumb or uncaring to not realize that you long for it. And that she was the reason you couldn't have it.

 

Not pleasant for either of you longterm.

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Loofah B. Shampoo
11 minutes ago, LilMagpie said:

@anamikanon and @Loofah B. Shampoo

You both made really valid points.. its just trying to get over this crush while still being friends and not feeling the "sadness" of knowing that nothing can happen.

If that makes sense

If you need advice on getting over a crush, my best advice is focusing on yourself. Instead of thinking about that person, think about yourself. That's about all I can say, because time and a tiny bit of space is the best remedy.

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Hermy

If I were her, I wouldn't want to know.

This is my personal opinion. I tend to be more comfortable talking to guys when they know that I'm ace/aro and most definitely not interested in them.

There was this one time that a guy who I worked with and was close friends with was giving a speech when I was leaving my title as the chairman and the speech was very sweet and the only thing I could think of "please don't end this with an 'I love you'". Thankfully it didn't but if he had it would've ruined my day. Our relationship would've probably been awkward for a while after that, but I think it would've been fine after a while when we'd have a chance to talk in private and I could wrap my head around it.

 

However, I'm not this girl you're talking to so I wouldn't know about her reaction.

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LilMagpie

@anamikanon @Loofah B. Shampoo @Hermy

Had a chat with her about her anxiety in general etc.

Did suggest that we could meet and go for a walk and she could bring her mum or sister along for support.

 

She said that she cant atm because of how bad her anxiety/agoraphobia is but maybe one day.

In terms of getting over the crush yeah thatll just take time.

Im just going to be there for her as a friend and I wont tell her about how i feel.

 

Ill be fine! :)

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