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Star Seeker

When you want friendship and they want romantic relationship

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Star Seeker

It gets pretty frustrating whenever I find people I want to be good friends with, but they often misinterpret my interest as romance. This has happened several times in my life so far, and while I know it will undoubtedly continue to happen in the future, it gets irritating. I've lost a few cool friends, and one good friend. We weren't really close, but it was nice having someone to make dumb jokes with, watch dramatic movies, and sing songs with in the car. When he told me he was interested in me romantically, I had let him know that I wasn't interested in him that way. We had agreed in staying as friends to not lose our friendship, and things were back to normal for a while.

Eventually we had stopped hanging out as much, then completely stopped keeping in contact later on. I mean, we both would get caught up in our busy lives, but I can't help thinking that my lack of interest played a factor in our fall out. Idk, I guess I miss how it used to be sometimes. But I know I can't be alone in something like this, right?

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iwanttolearn
4 minutes ago, Star Seeker said:

It gets pretty frustrating whenever I find people I want to be good friends with, but they often misinterpret my interest as romance. This has happened several times in my life so far, and while I know it will undoubtedly continue to happen in the future, it gets irritating. I've lost a few cool friends, and one good friend. We weren't really close, but it was nice having someone to make dumb jokes with, watch dramatic movies, and sing songs with in the car. When he told me he was interested in me romantically, I had let him know that I wasn't interested in him that way. We had agreed in staying as friends to not lose our friendship, and things were back to normal for a while.

Eventually we had stopped hanging out as much, then completely stopped keeping in contact later on. I mean, we both would get caught up in our busy lives, but I can't help thinking that my lack of interest played a factor in our fall out. Idk, I guess I miss how it used to be sometimes. But I know I can't be alone in something like this, right?

it's not your fault, it happened to me too last year. 

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Star Seeker
4 minutes ago, iwanttolearn said:

it's not your fault, it happened to me too last year. 

I'm sorry you had to go through something like this last year as well. I would try to tell myself that, and I know that if I hadn't told him, thing's would have gotten more uncomfortable for me

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iwanttolearn
6 minutes ago, Star Seeker said:

I'm sorry you had to go through something like this last year as well. I would try to tell myself that, and I know that if I hadn't told him, thing's would have gotten more uncomfortable for me

you did the right thing.

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lazypanda

Story of my life !!!!! 

The guy who I thought was my best friend completely cut all ties with me when I told him I was not interested in a romantic relationship. It was really painful, and it made me angry.I felt like he didn't value my friendship.

But overtime, I have realized that there are only two ways to look at it :

a) he never cared about my friendship from the beginning and just used friendship as a stepping stone to a romantic relationship. In that case, it's stupid to waste my feelings for a jerk like that.

b) he was a genuine person who probably started liking me somewhere along the way. In that case, he did what he needed to, to make himself feel better. I can't be mad at him for that.

 

So either ways, let it go. Don't let it get to you. I know the pain. But this was just a passing cloud. You only know who you're true friends are when things like this happen. It's definitely not your fault.

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Purple Wanderer

Alot of guys will only lean into a friendship with the aim of eventually hitting on the girl...

 

 

 

Not me. Look for friendship people assume I'm hitting on them!

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vega57

This happens to sexuals as well.  Not uncommon for either orientation.  

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jehoshabeath

This happens to me, too.

 

Recently, I've been reflecting on how many of my same-gender friends have become highly affectionate or even pursue me romantically. I'm aro-ace and this really makes me uncomfortable.  It isn't a new experience - this has happened pretty consistently since I was in 3rd grade.  I make a friend, I am really nice and cheerful and somewhere along the line, they are sharing things that make me uncomfortable, showing physical affection, become controlling, try to advise me on my appearance, etc.  It makes me fearful to make same-gender friends.  Men have also expressed romantic attraction toward me, though, so I'm reluctant to open up to male friends, too.

 

I've been doing some inner reflection and a lot of journaling to try to get to the heart of these feelings.  It's scary, but I'm starting to grow in self-confidence. I want to find my voice and learn how to create healthy boundaries.  I think that the more I respect myself and respect others, the better my relationships will become. Hopefully, anyway!

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chaotic lemon
On 3/19/2019 at 12:08 AM, Star Seeker said:

I'm sorry you had to go through something like this last year as well. I would try to tell myself that, and I know that if I hadn't told him, thing's would have gotten more uncomfortable for me

Gosh I wish I would've told my friend to save me all that past and current discomfort.

I've had a falling out with a new friend because I'd suspected he had romantic feelings for me early on. We got along well but once I started to notice a change in demeanor (?) things got sour for me and I started to distance myself/avoid him. I didn't want to "lead him on"and I hoped this would difuse whatever crush he had + soothe my own guilt for not ever being able to reciprocate. He never actually told me about his feelings and I never knew how to bring about my uncertain and gray romantic/sexual attractions. This all marinated for a painful three months. Eventually, he'd confessed to my friends before he left to study abroad, claiming to be too "shy" to let me know. I felt physically sick in my stomach when I heard.  We don't talk anymore at all now but I am dreading for the Fall when he comes back. 

Just a follow-up question to you (and anyone else!!) would you have let your friend know about your sexual/romantic attractions had he not confessed about wanting to date you? :( 

Augh it's just timing??? I didn't feel we were that close enough for me to disclose/"come out" yet (haven't came out to a lot of people)???? Also I'm trying to figure myself out and don't even know how to word things sometimes.

On 3/24/2019 at 7:49 PM, Purple Wanderer said:

Not me. Look for friendship people assume I'm hitting on them!

I've gotten that a few times too! No romo please! How do you deal with it? It's been getting discouraging to have my gray-romanticism being accused for friendzoning (don't really like that term, because I feel it doesn't entirely encompass how I feel!)

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