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When you want friendship and they want romantic relationship


Star Seeker

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Star Seeker

It gets pretty frustrating whenever I find people I want to be good friends with, but they often misinterpret my interest as romance. This has happened several times in my life so far, and while I know it will undoubtedly continue to happen in the future, it gets irritating. I've lost a few cool friends, and one good friend. We weren't really close, but it was nice having someone to make dumb jokes with, watch dramatic movies, and sing songs with in the car. When he told me he was interested in me romantically, I had let him know that I wasn't interested in him that way. We had agreed in staying as friends to not lose our friendship, and things were back to normal for a while.

Eventually we had stopped hanging out as much, then completely stopped keeping in contact later on. I mean, we both would get caught up in our busy lives, but I can't help thinking that my lack of interest played a factor in our fall out. Idk, I guess I miss how it used to be sometimes. But I know I can't be alone in something like this, right?

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Guest iwanttolearn
4 minutes ago, Star Seeker said:

It gets pretty frustrating whenever I find people I want to be good friends with, but they often misinterpret my interest as romance. This has happened several times in my life so far, and while I know it will undoubtedly continue to happen in the future, it gets irritating. I've lost a few cool friends, and one good friend. We weren't really close, but it was nice having someone to make dumb jokes with, watch dramatic movies, and sing songs with in the car. When he told me he was interested in me romantically, I had let him know that I wasn't interested in him that way. We had agreed in staying as friends to not lose our friendship, and things were back to normal for a while.

Eventually we had stopped hanging out as much, then completely stopped keeping in contact later on. I mean, we both would get caught up in our busy lives, but I can't help thinking that my lack of interest played a factor in our fall out. Idk, I guess I miss how it used to be sometimes. But I know I can't be alone in something like this, right?

it's not your fault, it happened to me too last year. 

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Star Seeker
4 minutes ago, iwanttolearn said:

it's not your fault, it happened to me too last year. 

I'm sorry you had to go through something like this last year as well. I would try to tell myself that, and I know that if I hadn't told him, thing's would have gotten more uncomfortable for me

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Guest iwanttolearn
6 minutes ago, Star Seeker said:

I'm sorry you had to go through something like this last year as well. I would try to tell myself that, and I know that if I hadn't told him, thing's would have gotten more uncomfortable for me

you did the right thing.

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Story of my life !!!!! 

The guy who I thought was my best friend completely cut all ties with me when I told him I was not interested in a romantic relationship. It was really painful, and it made me angry.I felt like he didn't value my friendship.

But overtime, I have realized that there are only two ways to look at it :

a) he never cared about my friendship from the beginning and just used friendship as a stepping stone to a romantic relationship. In that case, it's stupid to waste my feelings for a jerk like that.

b) he was a genuine person who probably started liking me somewhere along the way. In that case, he did what he needed to, to make himself feel better. I can't be mad at him for that.

 

So either ways, let it go. Don't let it get to you. I know the pain. But this was just a passing cloud. You only know who you're true friends are when things like this happen. It's definitely not your fault.

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Purple Wanderer

Alot of guys will only lean into a friendship with the aim of eventually hitting on the girl...

 

 

 

Not me. Look for friendship people assume I'm hitting on them!

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jehoshabeath

This happens to me, too.

 

Recently, I've been reflecting on how many of my same-gender friends have become highly affectionate or even pursue me romantically. I'm aro-ace and this really makes me uncomfortable.  It isn't a new experience - this has happened pretty consistently since I was in 3rd grade.  I make a friend, I am really nice and cheerful and somewhere along the line, they are sharing things that make me uncomfortable, showing physical affection, become controlling, try to advise me on my appearance, etc.  It makes me fearful to make same-gender friends.  Men have also expressed romantic attraction toward me, though, so I'm reluctant to open up to male friends, too.

 

I've been doing some inner reflection and a lot of journaling to try to get to the heart of these feelings.  It's scary, but I'm starting to grow in self-confidence. I want to find my voice and learn how to create healthy boundaries.  I think that the more I respect myself and respect others, the better my relationships will become. Hopefully, anyway!

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  • 4 weeks later...
chaotic lemon
On 3/19/2019 at 12:08 AM, Star Seeker said:

I'm sorry you had to go through something like this last year as well. I would try to tell myself that, and I know that if I hadn't told him, thing's would have gotten more uncomfortable for me

Gosh I wish I would've told my friend to save me all that past and current discomfort.

I've had a falling out with a new friend because I'd suspected he had romantic feelings for me early on. We got along well but once I started to notice a change in demeanor (?) things got sour for me and I started to distance myself/avoid him. I didn't want to "lead him on"and I hoped this would difuse whatever crush he had + soothe my own guilt for not ever being able to reciprocate. He never actually told me about his feelings and I never knew how to bring about my uncertain and gray romantic/sexual attractions. This all marinated for a painful three months. Eventually, he'd confessed to my friends before he left to study abroad, claiming to be too "shy" to let me know. I felt physically sick in my stomach when I heard.  We don't talk anymore at all now but I am dreading for the Fall when he comes back. 

Just a follow-up question to you (and anyone else!!) would you have let your friend know about your sexual/romantic attractions had he not confessed about wanting to date you? :( 

Augh it's just timing??? I didn't feel we were that close enough for me to disclose/"come out" yet (haven't came out to a lot of people)???? Also I'm trying to figure myself out and don't even know how to word things sometimes.

On 3/24/2019 at 7:49 PM, Purple Wanderer said:

Not me. Look for friendship people assume I'm hitting on them!

I've gotten that a few times too! No romo please! How do you deal with it? It's been getting discouraging to have my gray-romanticism being accused for friendzoning (don't really like that term, because I feel it doesn't entirely encompass how I feel!)

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  • 3 weeks later...
Star Seeker
On 4/25/2019 at 11:42 AM, chaotic lemon said:

Just a follow-up question to you (and anyone else!!) would you have let your friend know about your sexual/romantic attractions had he not confessed about wanting to date you? :( 

Augh it's just timing??? I didn't feel we were that close enough for me to disclose/"come out" yet (haven't came out to a lot of people)???? Also I'm trying to figure myself out and don't even know how to word things sometimes.

In my case, I kinda panicked when my friend told me he was interested in me and rushed to come out to him, but thankfully he was understanding and we spent some time talking afterwards to figure things out. I can't say that everyone will be as understanding or patient, and it would probably be best to come out if you feel comfortable telling the person or if you feel close enough to the person that its important to you for them to know.

 

Its okay to not let everyone know about your orientation. That's something for you to figure out and decide on who to tell. If you don't feel comfortable telling someone, let them know that you want to remain friends. 

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  • 4 weeks later...
AmIAroKatie

I feel you, my friend.  This has happened to me several times in my life.  I can't blame them for seeking out a relationship, because they themselves are romantic, while I just happened to not be, and I just didn't know it at the time.   Love is about taking risks, and unfortunately this can be the consequence of such things.  I've believe that telling people that I'm aroace right off the bat will help to avoid this situation, but I know not everyone is comfortable with doing so.

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AnnIsAroAce

I feel bad but yes this is kinda annoying sometimes. There's a guy I've been friends with since nursery school (who I'm not out to) that has been sending me chocolates and a card on valentines day for two years now. He sends them anonymously, but he told one of my other friends who then told me. He doesn't know that I know and we don't talk about it, but it makes things really awkward for me 'cause I feel terrible and keep wondering if he's flirting with me or if I'm accidentally flirting with him. I would come out to him but he's not the ideal person to talk to about serious things. 

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I'm more on the side of "When you want friendship but the other person thinks you actually want a romantic relationship" :D which I have zero interest in because barf.

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  • 2 months later...
On 3/29/2019 at 2:06 PM, jehoshabeath said:

It's scary, but I'm starting to grow in self-confidence. I want to find my voice and learn how to create healthy boundarie

You got this! It's a process but you can do it! 👏👏👏👏 prayers and good vibes (your friendly neighborhood cheerleader)

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I've actually had the situation in question work out well, so I speak from experience when I say that you can salvage a friendship after a one-way crush.

In my case, I gently explained to my friend that I wasn't interested in men before he made the "confession of feelings", since I could see it coming a mile off.  Things went back to normal between us pretty quickly.

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  • 2 weeks later...

You basically did everything you could have done and told them you didn't want to date them. I don't think they're misinterpreting your interest. They simply want to be in a romantic relationship with you. They see you as a romantic partner and fail to understand why you can't see them in the same way. Such friends often stick around hoping that something will change or that they'll be able to convince you to give them a chance. At some point they realize that nothing's ever going to happen and in some cases it gets so frustrating that they give up and distance themselves from you (and let's not forget the ones who disappear when they're dating someone and then call you the second they break up). I really hate when this happens but I've lost a few close friends this way. But I believe that those who actually care about you as a person and a friend do stick around (their romantic feelings usually go away after a while and then things het a lot easier). 

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Snow in the background
On 3/19/2019 at 5:49 AM, Star Seeker said:

It gets pretty frustrating whenever I find people I want to be good friends with, but they often misinterpret my interest as romance. This has happened several times in my life so far, and while I know it will undoubtedly continue to happen in the future, it gets irritating. I've lost a few cool friends, and one good friend. We weren't really close, but it was nice having someone to make dumb jokes with, watch dramatic movies, and sing songs with in the car. When he told me he was interested in me romantically, I had let him know that I wasn't interested in him that way. We had agreed in staying as friends to not lose our friendship, and things were back to normal for a while.

Eventually we had stopped hanging out as much, then completely stopped keeping in contact later on. I mean, we both would get caught up in our busy lives, but I can't help thinking that my lack of interest played a factor in our fall out. Idk, I guess I miss how it used to be sometimes. But I know I can't be alone in something like this, right?

(maybe this kind of situation is much more common for women) but as a man I can say this happened to me a few times. I lost some potential good female friends because I didn't reciprocate their romantic feelings.

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oh for sureeee. there’s nothing i’ve wanted more than to be one of the homies for some of my guy friends. eventually they tend to get all gay with me and start flirting and it suxxx lol like what happened to being homies? can i ever just ball with my bros? the world may never know.

 

also people don’t seem to realize the importance of platonic friendships. people are so focused on getting to know someone only if they get sex out of it like no eventually that’s how you’ll end up being lonely if u don’t work on making actual friends.

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