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try having lots of sex as an asexual?


Hunnibi

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So I know this seems self-harming or just stupid, but

 

I seriously consider to start dating and hooking up to get more comfortable with meeting people and having sex.

I often feel like I'm missing a lot of opportunities to meet great people, because I distance myself when they get flirty. I also feel really weird about people who have sex without love, because I always suspect that they don't act respectfull towards their sexpartners and don't care for their feelings after sex. Which might not actually be true. 

Whenever I think about having sex with strangers or not super close friends I'm pretty repulsed, but I also thought the same about sex with my now-boyfriend and it turned out to be ok, I'm even having fun sometimes.

So maybe it's not actually bad when I do it?

 

Has anyone done that and has some insight?

 

Edit: Our relationship is non-exclusive. I talk about all this with my boyfriend and only do what he is also ok with. He would be glad if I had another partner, because right now he's the only one who has dates and sex outside of our relationship.

 

 

 

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Slice of Ace

Of course, it's ultimately your choice whatever you decide to do, but I would strongly advise against having sex to test if you like it or to become more comfortable. Sex is an incredibly intimate experience where you are very vulnerable. Even if the sex is consensual, it can end badly if you force yourself into that situation.

 

I was sexually active in a relationship with someone I loved, and I compromised too much for their benefit. I deeply regret that now. In the end, it didn't make either of us happy, and I left the relationship with a tonne of mental baggage. 

 

I'm not saying that'll be the case for you, or you shouldn't ever have sex. Just be careful. And, if you do decide to go through with it, make sure that you're doing it for the right reasons. 

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You have a boyfriend currently? Is your relationship open? Because if not, I would advise against trying sex with other people. If you're currently in an exclusive relationship, it's also reasonable to be uncomfortable with the idea of sex or flirting with other people. That's normal.

 

Regardless, how you feel about sex right now is probably how it's going to be. I've only ever had sex with people I care about, and it's... "okay." It never really got any better. I'd usually rather be doing something else.

 

Don't force yourself to have sex with other people if it ain't your thing.

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When I was young, I wished I could be more promiscuous.  I wanted to have lots of sex like many of my friends did.  But I just didn't have it in me.  Of course, I didn't know about asexuality back then so I thought I was probably gay.

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@Muledeer, chances are they weren't getting as much as they were saying anyway. :P

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Måskemigselvetsted
22 hours ago, Hunnibi said:

So I know this seems self-harming or just stupid, but

 

I seriously consider to start dating and hooking up to get more comfortable with meeting people and having sex.

I often feel like I'm missing a lot of opportunities to meet great people, because I distance myself when they get flirty. I also feel really weird about people who have sex without love, because I always suspect that they don't act respectfull towards their sexpartners and don't care for their feelings after sex. Which might not actually be true. 

Whenever I think about having sex with strangers or not super close friends I'm pretty repulsed, but I also thought the same about sex with my now-boyfriend and it turned out to be ok, I'm even having fun sometimes.

So maybe it's not actually bad when I do it?

 

Has anyone done that and has some insight?

 

Edit: Our relationship is non-exclusive. I talk about all this with my boyfriend and only do what he is also ok with. He would be glad if I had another partner, because right now he's the only one who has dates and sex outside of our relationship.

I wouldn't plan on hooking up with random people if you are repulsed by sex, but if you are open to give it a try, then maybe have in the back of your head that you are open for the idea if you in the moment feel safe and comfortable about it - and then maybe you will, maybe you won't, but just having decided that it's a possibility might make flirting etc easier.

 

At least I found that even though I didn't plan to have sex and found the thought of genitals kind of repulsing, then knowing that it was something I was willing to give a try when I felt comfortable (whether that's after one date or ten) made me distance myself less from people I liked non-platonically (it also led to me having sex but that's not the point I was trying to make)

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Bel aka catcrazylady

I'm coming at this from a bit of a different place because I'm in my 30's now & just starting to come to terms with my sexuality. 
I've been sexually active since I was 18, had a few partners in that time and a couple of random hookups. 
For me I think it was easy because the people I slept with basically for the hell of it I was just needing some form of physical connection with another person & they were more than happy to come to the party for that. 

Sometimes I think that's better though- because if I had have been too interested in them or vice versa then that would have been a bit of a headfuck if one person didn't reciprocate the other's affection.
Now that I think about it that did happen once. First person I'd been with since I broke up with my first ever boyfriend and that killed me a little because I thought he was more interested than he was but it was all a bit of a learning experience for me & I wouldn't take it back because it all helped me to become the person I am today. 
 

As far as the not acting respectful towards sex partners- everyone should ALWAYS act respectful when it comes to sex. 
Of course that's not always the case. But it is a deeply intimate act and it does require some level of trust between people.
As far as not caring for the person's feelings afterwards? Yeah- that happens a lot when you're doing it with someone just the once. 
As much as you need to trust the other person during the act of courtship, sex, and afterwards, this doesn't always extend to follow up calls & checks on mental wellbeing, etc, unless a relationship has been considered. 
Sometimes it's just something both of you want to avoid talking about completely. 

My suggestion would be to do what you are comfortable with rather than push yourself to do something you really don't feel you want to do.
If you are more interested in people who you feel a close connection to then would it be possible to pursue these people? Or if somebody is interested in flirting with you could you spend some more time getting to know them before you make any decisions about sex?
It can be difficult to maintain the same relationship with a friend that you have had sex with. That's probably one reason I haven't travelled down that road often. It can be difficult to navigate the feelings of yourself as well as your friend if either of you feel like you'd like to take the relationship further.


I imagine it would be difficult being in an open relationship where your partner sees other people but you don't. Particularly when you are still exploring your identity and what things you like and dislike. 

Happy to help if you have any questions though. Hopefully that all made sense and didn't add extra confusion!

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