Guest iwanttolearn Posted March 17, 2019 Share Posted March 17, 2019 Hello, how is everyone? so i'm new to being asexual.. and i told my friend about it. and he asked me why would you be with someone if you are not aroused by them? i told him arousal doesn't mean anything to me... but what are your thoughts how would you answer this question? Link to post Share on other sites
Philip027 Posted March 17, 2019 Share Posted March 17, 2019 Because obviously the only reason to care about someone else is because we have sexual interest in them... Sometimes I wonder what the relationships (romantic/sexual and otherwise) of the people who spout questions like these are like. I feel like it isn't a very pretty picture... Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted March 17, 2019 Share Posted March 17, 2019 Because you still care deeply about a person? There's more to someone than the 1% of the times you spend with them in bed? Link to post Share on other sites
RoseGoesToYale Posted March 17, 2019 Share Posted March 17, 2019 I'd probably ask if there was ever a person who aroused him 100% of the time, as in every time he sees this person, boom, he's aroused. His answer would likely be no, I can't think of anyone who was that persistently aroused who didn't have a sort of disorder. Every sexual person I've ever known isn't aroused by someone they like that much, it's pretty situational, and a big component in liking those people is appreciating other qualities of them in addition to sexual attraction, like enjoying conversations with them, doing fun activities together, sharing similar tastes, etc. Relationships based purely on one single attractive quality, be it sexual or otherwise, usually don't last long because there's nothing else to hold it up if that quality changes or fades. I'm not aroused by anyone, but I can think of a hundred different reasons to be with someone I like. Link to post Share on other sites
SithLord Posted March 17, 2019 Share Posted March 17, 2019 Agreed will all of the above. Is love off the table when one isn't aroused by the other person? Are you with that person only for sex? Is the relationship nothing but sex? No dating or talking or cuddling or anything? Possible, but probably not what the person meant. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted March 17, 2019 Share Posted March 17, 2019 For me its not just that this person seems to associate sexual attraction with relationships but their seeming disregard for all the other aspects of a relationship that make the emotional closeness necessary for sexual relationships possible. Its a backwards way of thinking to me. Burn what do I know, I'm just an asexual...😂 Link to post Share on other sites
abandoned-account Posted March 18, 2019 Share Posted March 18, 2019 'Cause, y'know, it's not like you can love another person emotionally or anything... 🙄 Link to post Share on other sites
DuskFire Posted March 18, 2019 Share Posted March 18, 2019 1 hour ago, Philip027 said: Because obviously the only reason to care about someone else is because we have sexual interest in them... THIS ☝️ 😑 Seriously? Why? It's like the people that see others for nothing more than sexual interest are dehumanizing that person. I agree with your sarcastic comment 100% Link to post Share on other sites
JessPlaysChess Posted March 18, 2019 Share Posted March 18, 2019 2 hours ago, iwanttolearn said: and i told my friend about it. and he asked me why would you be with someone if you are not aroused by them? Ask him back "So why are you with me right now?" 😂 That's how friendship works right, you like someone and care for them. Love doesn't equal arousal. For example also love to your parents etc. SO many kinds of relationship that don't require "arousal" at all. If that was the only reason to be with someone, you could pay a prostitute if you felt like it and go home. Link to post Share on other sites
Usernamethe2nd Posted March 18, 2019 Share Posted March 18, 2019 Love doesn't need to be sexual. There are other ways that we can connect as human beings. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted March 18, 2019 Share Posted March 18, 2019 I date all kinds of people even though my sexual attraction would say otherwise. Personally I think the attraction is bullshit, most of my life the things I like (super feminine looking guys/girls/nonbinary ppl who i consciously think are hot even tho their not part of my sexual orientation) have not lined up with what my sexuality has forced upon me. Most of the population is straight, I'm more or less androsexual. I got stuck with the typical sexuality of the standard human being. My first relationship was with a girl, it didn't stop me from loving her. Sexual attraction is not mandatory to love someone, but for a sexual person like me, dating someone you're not attracted too can be difficult. (nothing in the world will stop me from dating a small feminine guy that loves to wear my sweaters, NOThING) SCREAMs Link to post Share on other sites
SnickersGetSomeNoots Posted March 18, 2019 Share Posted March 18, 2019 People have sex without being in love so why can't people be in love without having sex? Sex is never a 'must' for any relationship, its about the people involved. It doesn't make their love any less real and many people seek a significant other for companionship and happiness. Tell your friend that love and sex are two different things and sometimes they go together and sometimes they don't. And either is perfectly ok 🍰🎂🍰 Link to post Share on other sites
iridium137 Posted March 19, 2019 Share Posted March 19, 2019 When I was younger, I've wondered why people only date the gender that matches their sexual orientation. After all, I thought, SEXUAL orientation is who you want to have SEX with. What does that have to do with who you can fall in LOVE with? I had this radical belief that people that like each other enough should consider dating and marrying, even if they have incompatible orientation (like two straight men). Why let the lack of sex get in the way of a great relationship? You can still love each other, spend time together, and live "happily ever after"... right? But when I tried telling that to other people, they all flipped their ****. They were convinced that I was crazy, or suffered brain damage, or was trolling. Some people got really angry and started calling me names, and I innocently thought I was just trying to discuss something... And yet, nobody could give me a coherent reason why. It seems like sexual people just state axiomatically that you shouldn't date somebody unless you're sexually attracted to them. (Though one straight guy did admit that he has no idea why he can only love a woman.) While AVEN discourages asexual elitism, moments like this make it hard not to "feel superior", or feel like everybody else is "shallow". Link to post Share on other sites
Touchofinsight Posted March 19, 2019 Share Posted March 19, 2019 its because why would you settle for less? Most people want the whole package, they don't just want someone who they share ideals with they want both mental and physical attraction and stimulation.. I have no desire for sex but I still want to be attracted to whom ever I decide to invest my time into as a significant other. If I replace the concept of arousal with attraction then its the same concept really. How a person looks can tell you a lot about how they treat themselves, take care of themselves etc. Its like walking into your GF's room for the first time the last thing I want to see is a chaotic mess because if you can't find the time to set the things closest to you in order its going to tell me a lot more about the rest of your life. Apply this principle to a persons appearance and looks and yes not everyone is naturally beautiful but the effort you put into your self tells me a lot more. Link to post Share on other sites
yijia Posted March 19, 2019 Share Posted March 19, 2019 Sometimes I hate that I envy sexual people for having sexual urges to almost indicate or force them to spend more time with someone such that you are able to care about them enough for love. I want to fall in love, but I feel lost when I don't have sexual urges to guide me. When I do feel attracted to a person, it's so easy for attraction or general fondness to just become friendship and friendship is so much easier to navigate than explaining romantic feelings without sexual ones. How do you all deal with this? It's like a wall I can't seem to scale. Or is it just having not met the right person? thx Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted March 19, 2019 Share Posted March 19, 2019 Here, you can have my sexual attraction, take it and I'll become the asexiest person to rule the world. Everyone gets cake. Link to post Share on other sites
naakka Posted March 20, 2019 Share Posted March 20, 2019 On 3/18/2019 at 12:38 AM, Philip027 said: Because obviously the only reason to care about someone else is because we have sexual interest in them... Sometimes I wonder what the relationships (romantic/sexual and otherwise) of the people who spout questions like these are like. I feel like it isn't a very pretty picture... Oh, this 😧 I feel like a lot of stress, anger and depression in relationships of sexual people is caused by sex. And it's the weirdest thing to me that most of the time the partners themselves don't seem to have any clue about that. Why to be with someone if not for sex? Few of my reasons are: humans are beautiful and interesting beings. You learn more about yourself and can better have inner growth when you have someone you completely trust, mirroring you to yourself. Sometimes things just seem so much worse when you're alone. It's fun to see how a person dear to you reacts to your ways of showing your love. It's (probably) less boring than being alone. Link to post Share on other sites
Chamomile_Serenity Posted March 22, 2019 Share Posted March 22, 2019 "and he asked me why would you be with someone if you are not aroused by them?" *rubs temples* seriously? Link to post Share on other sites
anisotrophic Posted March 22, 2019 Share Posted March 22, 2019 For sexual people it can be that any time you feel romantic attraction, there's sexual attraction. They don't have a "split attraction model"... Which means they might think "no sexual attraction, must mean no romantic attraction", as the logical conclusion. Not attracted = not really in love. That might not be the explanation here, it's unclear, but it's a common source of misunderstanding. Link to post Share on other sites
vega57 Posted March 22, 2019 Share Posted March 22, 2019 On 3/20/2019 at 1:41 PM, naakka said: Oh, this 😧 I feel like a lot of stress, anger and depression in relationships of sexual people is caused by sex. And it's the weirdest thing to me that most of the time the partners themselves don't seem to have any clue about that. Why to be with someone if not for sex? Few of my reasons are: humans are beautiful and interesting beings. You learn more about yourself and can better have inner growth when you have someone you completely trust, mirroring you to yourself. Sometimes things just seem so much worse when you're alone. It's fun to see how a person dear to you reacts to your ways of showing your love. It's (probably) less boring than being alone. This whole post reminds me of something I saw on Pinterest the other day: " Remove SEX from a relationship and you will discover that a lot of people have nothing to offer" Link to post Share on other sites
naakka Posted March 22, 2019 Share Posted March 22, 2019 @vega57 kinda depressing, but true. People are just fooled by myths such as sex/kids/marriage whatever makes the relationship. While in the end of the day, the only things that make a relationship is two (or more) people wanting to commit to each others, getting and giving something from the relationship and also getting well along. Link to post Share on other sites
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