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Creampuff

I don't want to be left behind

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Creampuff
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I've never really had a crush on anyone (or at least I'm not sure) I've mostly had squishes and such. Recently my best friend found herself landed in a relationship. At first I was okay with it but every time I see them together it hurts so much. I know it's selfish, but I really don't want her to be with someone else. I don't want her to leave me for a relationship. I don't want to be left behind. To be honest, I always thought we'd be together forever, not in a romantic way, but in a best friend way. Romance to me, with anyone, and her having it seemed unreal, I'd never thought it could happen, but it did. It hurts so much, when I see them together. I find myself lashing out at other people, I know it's not their fault, but I can't help it. I wish I could find someone to be with forever and them to know me better than anyone else, without it even being a relationship. I find myself being extremely sad, and I just wished I would stop feeling this way..

Edited by Creampuff
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KrystalLost

I can't completely relate in the romantic area, but I did lose a best friend to someone else who was far more compatible with her friendship-wise. This feelings of being left behind can be hard to deal with, but if she is your friend then she would not leave you. People come into our lives and change them for the better or for the worse. This person has come into her life and can do either as well. You have to understand that this is her life, and let go just a tad. She might not have as much time for you. It's a harsh truth, but she is still there, loving and caring for you. My old friend, I honestly used to think it would be us against the world, then she had other friends because she was far more social than me. I also used to be far more of a jealous and possessive person as well, selfish in a similar manner to you. You're going to have to find peace with it and see the positive, they could bring more joy to her life. Sharing is caring my friend. Besides, romantic relationships in my opinion can never exceed friendships. Take a break for your self and relax, remind yourself that she is still your best friend. 

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Usernamethe2nd

I had a friend like that, who I'd do anything for. It wasn't romantic in anyway, but I just wanted to be around him and for him to say that I was his best friend, because he was mine. He was a cool person and made many other friends who all seemed to want vie for his friendship like I did. Its hard and I couldn't take being a "sidekick" anymore. I broke away and lost something very special to me. Over time I've healed, but I still haven't had a friend like him. :'c Its not the best advice, but sometimes you gotta do stuff for yourself. Maybe, you can be your own best friend. Like I said its not the best advice : / I longed for that person who I could share an everlasting bond too. I'm really sorry, trust me I feel your pain. :cake:

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KrystalLost

Oh and eat cake, cake fixes everything

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Creampuff

I'll be sure to eat lots of cake, cake can momentarily fill the hole in your heart.

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HonoraryJedi

I can feel how much this hurts through the internet. I'm sorry. I can't say this exact thing has happened to me, but it has been a dread, and I do get jealous about my friends as well. There is always this fear that, as someone who isn't romantic, friendship is my highest tier, but that it isn't for other people. And so, those that I care the most for, will themselves have a different 'higher tier' that I can't connect to and will be left behind. It is worth to mention that I don't think this is true anymore. 

Or at least, it doesn't *have* to be true. We are told a lot about 'friendzone' and shit like that, where friendship is always lower than romance, but it doesn't have to be so. I also don't think going an opposite 'bros before hoes' route is any better. I am now inclined to see these types of relationships as different things. They each have value, and one does not need to detract from the other.

 

That is of course, small comfort if your friends actually do start ignoring you when they find a partner. And it isn't going to be much help with the current pain. Just as a thought for the more large scale fear. That someone has a romantic relationship does not have to spell doom for their close friendships I don't think. And having intimate lasting friendships really is possible.

 

I don't think there is anything to really help with current ongoing jealousy. It might just have to suck for a while. Know it is ok to be in pain about it. Do your very best not to act on it. It is a pretty toxic feeling, and it will try to lie to you. But it is also pretty normal. You can try to starve it out, but it probably still will hurt for a bit.

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KrystalLost

When I said friendships exceed romance, I didn't quite mean it a whole lot like that. All true romantic love requires that base of friendship, it is the base, not to mention relationships have layers as well. My first relationship was a mix of romantic and platonic love. I'm only saying that the reason friendship exceeds romance is because that's where it all starts, but it can branch out in way different forms. Each deserves love equally though.  Neither is better than the other. (I know this doesn't quite make sense, but point is universally friendship is priority because it's first base) 

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Toa Lhikan

I can kind of relate because I went through the same thing a few months ago. I fantasized about opening entirely up to my friend. I wished that she knew me like no one else did, in a best friends way. It was a platonic kind of attraction even though I didn't know that at that time. When she talked about her partner I always felt irritated. At some point I realized that I would never be that important to her. That led to jealousy and my inner balance was heavily disturbed. I drowned in fear of being left behind, anger and sadness and I thought that it would stay so for ever. I hated the way I felt.

 

I needed to get rid of these emotions because I was spreading that negativity around me. First of all I spent some time without her because otherwise I would have been stuck in that jealousy loop. It also helped me to write down my thoughts and feelings in a diary. This way I left some space for my emotions without making me a slave to them. In this process I accepted that I would never get what I fantasized about. Instead I thought about what would have happened if gave in to my jealousy. In the worst case it could have led to a breakup between my friend and her partner (despite the fact that I'm aro-ace). Her happiness with her partner is more important to me than the realization of my fantasies. After I realized that, my jealousy was finally going away.

 

This is the way I handled that kind of emotions, but it might be different for you. So I don't know if that has any applicable value to you or to anyone, but still I found it worthwhile sharing. I hope I could help a little bit but if I could not I will give you some cake instead. :cake::cake::cake:

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Neutral Charge

im debating if caring for people in anyway is the healthy thing to do lately, in this messed up world, and im seriously considering to not form close friendships with people who cannot see and understand  the need to be like family without a gf/bf relation

 why the hell is everything in this society all about marriage/kids/ and exclude everyone else beside your bf/gf /husband/wife/blood relatives from your life after a certain age ( frustration talking)  

if your friend did that she was never truly a real friend.  i have never felt a bf was more important then  my close friends who been there with me in my weirdest days and i would never do that because for me each person has a unique special value that cannot be replaced or deleted by another human being, a relation of love for me has a shorter lifespan then friendships.

Im sorry to hear that you have to go through this emotional roller coaster with no fault of your own, hang in there! and remember there are a lot of ppl in the world and most of us are desperate for a close friend we can count on beyond the idea of love. is what i believe.

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Nurseboy89

I can very much relate to how you are feeling. I am the only Aro person in my friend group, and almost everyone is a couple. Most of the time I have no problem with this because my friends do a really good job at not making me feel like a third wheel. Lately though I have been distressed at the idea of being left behind  by everyone else. I have a really good friend who I have been very close to for the last 10 years. I hug him every chance I get and not only is he okay with me telling him I love him, he will also say it back (My friend is straight and in a relationship). They have a baby due any day now and I've been getting upset because I do not want to become less important in his life when this baby comes. 

My main source of stress is coming from the fact that my friends don't know how intensely I care about all of them because they have their romantic partners, even when I tell them how I feel to their face. I love all my friends very dearly. I miss them when I have been away from them for too long and I think about some of them everyday. I hate the feeling that I'm less important to others because my love is not romantic or sexual. I'm sorry that you are feeling this way and hope that something positive changes soon. I know I'm trying to make the effort to be happy for everyone in my life because of the love I have for them. 

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