Guest Posted March 17, 2019 Share Posted March 17, 2019 I've been questioning for months. At first for some reason I thought I was a trans dude, didn't work out considering I had multiple breakdowns. Then questioning non-binary which seems to be a bit more close to what i might be. however i keep ending up at a dead end, every time i think I've got something it's like i have some kind of cis-whiplash. Demi-girl seems to work for now because I CANNOT be fully female, I wouldn't be questioning it right now. I created kind of self insert character, they were basically a gender neutral version of me and a little taller. Their head space felt so good it made me lightheaded and I honestly felt so confident, it was like a piece of me clicked in place. But at the same time, the female bit of me keeps pulling me back. I honestly just want out so badly, after all this questioning. I do not have internalized misogyny nor does it have to do with stereotypes or whatnot. I've got 3 (4?) nonbinary friends, one experiences dysphoria for sure, and the other is genderfluid, 3rd is probably agender. Something attracts me to them, I don't automatically see female, but they have this aura that gives me this sense of airiness. They feel like me in some sense, we're like each other in some gendered relation. Demi-girl on some days does bring warmth to my chest and a faint warmth currently. Only problem in when I was in i guess gender distress, and half asleep, I just kept say I'm female/cis and felt very warm and comforted. Not sure if being half asleep is a good indicator of things, but it might be when someone is most honest without all the clutter of everything else. Female doesn't feel wrong, but it doesn't feel right. I just don't want to feel a connection to it I guess, I'm honestly hoping that this turn out in the way I'm hoping. I do also think there is some neutral/agenderness there, hoping that is takes over one day. I will probably be able to describe more later when I'm not so emotional and burned out. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted March 17, 2019 Share Posted March 17, 2019 This might not be the answer you were hoping for, and I apologise for that. Gender can be a fun tag to carry around, it can be useful if you wish to transition to something, but it's nothing that you should try to force upon yourself. We all got our way of being, and we have different views and expectations, but in the end you are you and the label doesn't really matter. If I take myself as an example, I don't know how it "feels" to be male or female. I'm perfectly fine with being female, even though I don't feel like one at all. I used to have the label "genderless" under my name to the left, fit me to a T, but I recently removed it because I couldn't really understand the point of it. Back when I found it I thought it was an indication of how I wanted to look, what would make me feel good, but it wasn't. If anything gender has slowed down my progress of "finding myself" since I took it so seriously. What was genderless ever going to do to me? It's like being able to point out a dot on a chart and say "there I am" and nothing more. Words like optimist, plant and cat lover, daydreamer, loner all explain me more than genderless ever did, why should genderless get such a high identity status? I guess I just want to say: don't stress over the gender label, finding yourself and what you're comfortable with is so much more than just a label. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted March 17, 2019 Share Posted March 17, 2019 Yea, I know. I've had five cups of coffee and have anxiety so this is the result of that. I'm just pissed I haven't gotten my answer. There is obviously more to me than this, and being genderless would never describe me. It would just a bit of me. For me it is vital piece because it forces me to have an attachment to a gender I want nothing to do with. Like I've said, I'm probably lucky to even be a demi-girl. Neutrois/agender and that all finally clicking into place would be freeing, riding myself of any attachment to the female body and gender. I have an image of myself that I cannot pursue because it holds me back. I'm not saying it's perfect, but it's just a hope of mine. I've experienced mild dysphoria (i think) in some form as well. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted March 17, 2019 Share Posted March 17, 2019 I'm sorry this is stressing you out. What part of "female" is it that you want nothing to do with? Is it the label itself? do you dislike having a female body, or is it the whole thing about femininity that makes you uncomfortable? What do you think it is that is pulling you back towards female? I do feel like you got similar thoughts to what I had 5 years ago, so that's probably affecting my answers. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted March 17, 2019 Share Posted March 17, 2019 it is the label itself, secondary characteristics, and the fact that through my experimentation I have some form of tie to it because things tend to be like a rubber band, I get snapped back to it. But i can't just go with female because there's more to it. This neutrality in me demands to be acknowledged and they both exist. I more or less dislike tits, they feel unnatural. There's some kind of fluidity in there and tbh I just would find it satisfying knowing I have absolutely no ties to male or female. Not to mention the idea of being cis just bothers me. I can only best describe it as having a (unwanted) foot in female, and another in some neutral/genderless. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted March 17, 2019 Share Posted March 17, 2019 I've never liked breasts either, basically hated all the changes puberty came with, but I didn't at the start (was very meh about it). It was when I realised that these changes will put me in the category "woman", a word which I linked to a bunch of different things, that I realised that I didn't like it. I still dislike being called a woman, but I've distanced myself from the expectations of society and have gotten a lot more comfortable in my skin. I'm just a thought in a body that happens to be female, and so are you. Having things you like about being female doesn't mean that your gender is female. I've gotten more and more comfortable with looking female and wearing things like skirts, since I have a female body I might just as well enjoy being able to look silly without anyone batting an eye and I feel just as genderless as ever. If you feel neutral and are bothered by female/male then I think it's perfectly fine to go with genderless/agender or non-binary, gender is such a fuzzy thing anyway. Have you tried using one word at a time for a longer period of time, to see how you feel about them? Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted March 17, 2019 Share Posted March 17, 2019 Well, I'm currently just rolling with demi-girl because it's reassuring and gives me room for fluidity. I'm just hoping in time that the girl part fades with time. I've only recently come to demi-girl and probably need more time. Yes I completely get you too, being called a woman feels like such a foreign thing to me and I don't like it. Also skirts are evil and bows are evil and I will continue to hold this to my dying breath. ; ) hehe good point as well I just want to have some form of an androgynous body lol. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted March 17, 2019 Share Posted March 17, 2019 5 minutes ago, KrystalLost said: Well, I'm currently just rolling with demi-girl because it's reassuring and gives me room for fluidity. I'm just hoping in time that the girl part fades with time. I've only recently come to demi-girl and probably need more time. Yes I completely get you too, being called a woman feels like such a foreign thing to me and I don't like it. Also skirts are evil and bows are evil and I will continue to hold this to my dying breath. ; ) hehe good point as well I just want to have some form of an androgynous body lol. Sounds like a plan! Demigirl sure gives you quite a bit of room to play. Haha! Yeah, bows are ... a bit too much. I never touched skirts before I turned 25 ... or okay, that's a lie, my mother bought a skirt for me when I graduated elementary school, but I avoided them for a long time because "I'm not feminine, I shouldn't look feminine". Then I realised that skirts makes me look more "childish" and that they hide the part of my body I dislike the most (my thighs and butt, urgh), so yeah, that's where I'm at now x) Another unrelated note (I do talk a lot, I know) is that "girl" somehow feels way more OK than woman to me. As a word to be called, I mean. And it's probably because girl sounds like/refers to a younger person = less expectations. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted March 17, 2019 Share Posted March 17, 2019 Yes and since I am techically a younger person, I have a bit more wiggle room. I dont hate the word girl, and ever if it brings me warmth I'm not that connected to it. In my head my 'femaleness' was always vague and tits are practically nonexistent. Though again I'm try to move toward something more neutral/masculine. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted March 17, 2019 Share Posted March 17, 2019 Sounds alright enough to me, just keep an open mind incase something ends up not feeling right, the solution is sometimes a bit different than what one might think. Totally not on topic, but I swear I'll go directly from girl to old lady, I'll take a big leap over the whole "grown woman" phase, just watch me. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted March 23, 2019 Share Posted March 23, 2019 b i t c h... I will go from this *frantic bodily waving* to a grey alien. Just watch me. >:) Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted March 29, 2019 Share Posted March 29, 2019 God I need a drink. Throwing this to the top so people see it I guess. Link to post Share on other sites
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