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I fucking hate being asexual


PossumYote

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I fucking hate being asexual it's driving me fucking insane, I can't offer anything, im not an attractive guy, Im not into hookup culture, if I had sex I because I have strong feelings for that guy.

 

I have nothing to offer im just a useless piece of shit, I have no money, I draw like shit, I barely interact with others, Im a fucking introvert with social anxiety, depression and a fucking mood swings.

 

I hate feeling romantic attraction and I hate my feelings. I feel everything multiplied, I have cried for stuff other people have went through , I everytime, sometimes I don't even know why I cry. This useless meds aren't helping me anymore and I refuse to take my antipsychotics, they will make me fat and they fucked me up really bad.

 

I fucking hate it goddammit Im going to fucking end my life one of this days because of it.

 

I hate it with every fiber of my being. I only express romantic attraction, I have nothing to offer, people will hate being with someone like me. Im just garbage, wish I were fucking dead.

 

God I want to beat the shit out of me so bad right now.

 

I'm a clingy ass motherfucker I will drive everyone away from me, I can be easily manipulated and thanks to what ever being is out there that hasnt allowed me to fall into an abusive relationship.

fuck my asexuality, fuck my depression and specially fuck my social anxiety.


I love that guy, but god, he deservers better, not someone who is broken.

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Hey this is so real, there's so much pain here. I get it, that fear of having "nothing to offer." It's really scary. It's debilitating and isolating. But the truth is, you do have things to offer—not many people would spend so much time thinking about how they want to do better by others. We're all on this scary path of learning how to value what we have to offer. I hope you don't jump to conclusions and give yourself more patience and kindness and chances. 

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Slice of Ace

I know probably nothing I say will be able to help, but know that you do have something to offer. I've felt like my life is pointless at times, like no one would care if I died. I understand how easy it is to fall into that cycle of self-loathing. What helps me is trying not to compare myself to others and concentrating more on my own happiness. I try to prioritise two things: making myself happy and helping the people around me to be happy. As long as I'm working towards one of those two goals, not a single second of my life is wasted.

 

I also know how hard it is to be a minority inside a minority. Especially with how hypersexualised the gay community can be, it can sometimes feel like you don't belong. But there are people out there who are like you. You will be able to find someone who loves you for you.

 

I don't know if that helps before. If you want to vent anytime, feel free to PM me.

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It's really sad to hear man. Please know that you're absolutely not broken. And please never feel like you have nothing to offer. You're beautiful as you are. :cake::)

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Duke Memphis

I know how it feels to not feel like you have anything to offer. You may feel like your heart isn't enough to offer, but there are people who appreciate a heart. It's not easy to get out of your head, and it's easier to give advice than to take it, but the future isn't determined. No matter how small the possibility, you can still take one step at a time to being proud of yourself.

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Hey. You're beautiful just how you are!

I'm sorry you're going though such a difficult time right now. 

If you ever need to talk one on one just shoot me a PM.

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MercyIsVictory

"This too shall pass."

A weak attempt at help, I realize that, but as someone who's been there, as someone who's had to fight and claw his way out of those exact thoughts, as someone who very nearly gave into them and was forced to face the consequences firsthand, this is the only piece of advice I can offer. You're fighting the Dragon right now, and that means you're one of us, all the rest of us who have had to fight it; we're all in it together. Despite what you might think about yourself, I can see a lot of strength in you because you're reaching out for help; you're not just lying down and silently accepting what it's saying. Once these feelings pass - and please trust me, they will - you will be able to use that strength to help others who are going through the same thing, and that alone makes you invaluable and highly treasured. Your experiences might mean life or death for someone someday, and for that very reason, you must keep fighting; you can't let it win. All of us are here to help, just say the word.

In the short-term, I have found that long, hot showers as well as pouring all of those bad thoughts and feelings onto paper through journaling helps. Do you have someone in your life you can reach out to for additional help?

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Thank you all for your help, I will keep trying to be strong, the guy i like also have depression and i need to be strong for him when he is down, there are days where i fear he wont wake up, I'm just checking his last connection to facebook just to feel relieved that he indeed woke up, but its killing me that he is going to go to a date with a dude he met, he has a much better job than me and a much better income and live in a city full of opportunites where you have not to hide to give a kiss or a hug to your partner.

 

I love this guy, I'm always there when he is down, when I just met him his ex treated him like trash, I was always there for him, he is my best friend and i love him i will keep doing what is on my reach to help him and to help myself with my self steem, when he began to take meds i stopped my drinking habits cold turkey as people say, i have been sober since january and haven't consumed weed since then.

But the mixed messages i get from him are making me crazy, people often think we are a couple because we hang out together and fit together pretty well.

I will not give up, i have been through worse.

And again thank you all, for your help, I love you all ❤️

I am currently reciving psychological help, and on antideppresants, they psychatrist gave me an anti psychotic but it fucked me up so bad, i felt asleep at my job and i almost fall asleep while driving and made me feel like i was drunk and also my friends they said I can vent and talk to them, but i don't want to bother them especially him, he is also depressed and i don't want to give him more emotional baggage.

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Ace-In-Yo-Face

I don't hate being asexual but man, everything else is so me. Glad you're letting this out but it sounds you genuinely need a counselor or something. 

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Hey. 

 

Sorry to hear about what you're going through. I don't know what I can say that would make it better in any way...

 

I know how hard it can be to accept one's sexual orientation. And not everyone is into hookup culture. I'm also an introvert with social anxiety, depression, and mood swings. Yeah, feelings can really suck, especially when you feel them so intensely. :( 

 

It sounds like you really care about this person. It's hard when the person you really care about is seeing someone else... 😢 

 

I'm happy to hear that you are getting help. Hopefully they can find a medication for you that will work but without the weight gain. 

 

Make sure to take care of you. 

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2 hours ago, Just Dani said:

Hey. 

 

Sorry to hear about what you're going through. I don't know what I can say that would make it better in any way...

 

I know how hard it can be to accept one's sexual orientation. And not everyone is into hookup culture. I'm also an introvert with social anxiety, depression, and mood swings. Yeah, feelings can really suck, especially when you feel them so intensely. :( 

 

It sounds like you really care about this person. It's hard when the person you really care about is seeing someone else... 😢 

 

I'm happy to hear that you are getting help. Hopefully they can find a medication for you that will work but without the weight gain. 

 

Make sure to take care of you. 

Thanks for your support, it truly hurts, i feel like something died inside me, i have been crying almost all day.

I will try to get care of me too, i have been letting myself go recently

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1 hour ago, PossumYote said:

Thanks for your support, it truly hurts, i feel like something died inside me, i have been crying almost all day.

I will try to get care of me too, i have been letting myself go recently

You're welcome. 😊

 

It's okay to cry. If it's okay with you? *hug*

 

I know how hard the self-care can be when your heart is broken... 😢 

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WoodwindWhistler
20 hours ago, PossumYote said:

I fucking hate being asexual it's driving me fucking insane, I can't offer anything, im not an attractive guy, Im not into hookup culture, if I had sex I because I have strong feelings for that guy.

 

I have nothing to offer im just a useless piece of shit, I have no money, I draw like shit, I barely interact with others, Im a fucking introvert with social anxiety, depression and a fucking mood swings.

 

I hate feeling romantic attraction and I hate my feelings. I feel everything multiplied, I have cried for stuff other people have went through , I everytime, sometimes I don't even know why I cry. This useless meds aren't helping me anymore and I refuse to take my antipsychotics, they will make me fat and they fucked me up really bad.

 

I fucking hate it goddammit Im going to fucking end my life one of this days because of it.

 

I hate it with every fiber of my being. I only express romantic attraction, I have nothing to offer, people will hate being with someone like me. Im just garbage, wish I were fucking dead.

 

God I want to beat the shit out of me so bad right now.

 

I'm a clingy ass motherfucker I will drive everyone away from me, I can be easily manipulated and thanks to what ever being is out there that hasnt allowed me to fall into an abusive relationship.

fuck my asexuality, fuck my depression and specially fuck my social anxiety.


I love that guy, but god, he deservers better, not someone who is broken.

So I can safely gather here that your platonic social life is not in shape, either? Have you ever looked into helping out any nonprofits, or somewhere else where people will not judge you for not having money/looks/whatever-other-shallow-thing-people-or-culture-has-given-you-shit-for and will just be happy to have you? Or there might be a nonprofit support program or group FOR you . . .? 

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5 hours ago, Just Dani said:

You're welcome. 😊

 

It's okay to cry. If it's okay with you? *hug*

 

I know how hard the self-care can be when your heart is broken... 😢 

Thank you ❤️ Im hoping for the best outcome of this situation, even if he end up with that guy, he still my friend and i gotta help him.

 

 

2 hours ago, WoodwindWhistler said:

So I can safely gather here that your platonic social life is not in shape, either? Have you ever looked into helping out any nonprofits, or somewhere else where people will not judge you for not having money/looks/whatever-other-shallow-thing-people-or-culture-has-given-you-shit-for and will just be happy to have you? Or there might be a nonprofit support program or group FOR you . . .? 

No, I have almost no social life, i hang out with him, we go out and eat or just walk.

My current job, people feel so good with me there, they often tell me or tell to my boss about me, they made me feel welcomed there since day one.

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6 hours ago, PossumYote said:

Thank you ❤️ Im hoping for the best outcome of this situation, even if he end up with that guy, he still my friend and i gotta help him.

You're welcome. :) 

 

I think it's great that you still want to help your friend, even if he does end up with someone else. 🙂

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WoodwindWhistler
On 3/17/2019 at 2:20 AM, PossumYote said:

No, I have almost no social life, i hang out with him, we go out and eat or just walk.

My current job, people feel so good with me there, they often tell me or tell to my boss about me, they made me feel welcomed there since day one.

I mean, that is good that your job doesn't suck XD But none of them spend time with you outside the job? 

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On 3/17/2019 at 6:53 AM, Just Dani said:

You're welcome. :) 

 

I think it's great that you still want to help your friend, even if he does end up with someone else. 🙂

Thanks, he is a really nice guy, people have hurted him in the past and im always worried when he is down.

 

9 hours ago, WoodwindWhistler said:

I mean, that is good that your job doesn't suck XD But none of them spend time with you outside the job? 

nope, i don't really interact whit them so much or talk, they don't know I'm Gay/Ace and honestly the topics the talk or stuff they do to have fun are not my kind of stuff. Also most people are older than me, like fully grown adults lol..

 

My friend doesn't work there tho, i met him through facebook, he's still in college.

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WoodwindWhistler
1 hour ago, PossumYote said:

nope, i don't really interact whit them so much or talk, they don't know I'm Gay/Ace and honestly the topics the talk or stuff they do to have fun are not my kind of stuff. Also most people are older than me, like fully grown adults lol..

 

My friend doesn't work there tho, i met him through facebook, he's still in college.

OK well not knowing you're gay doesn't really affect the rest of your personality . . . 

The majority of people I hang out with are way older than I am, so uh, again don't see a problem there. Everybody's human. 

So have you introduced them to any of the things you like?  

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38 minutes ago, WoodwindWhistler said:

OK well not knowing you're gay doesn't really affect the rest of your personality . . . 

The majority of people I hang out with are way older than I am, so uh, again don't see a problem there. Everybody's human. 

So have you introduced them to any of the things you like?  

It shouldn't but people here are kinda homophobic, they will resort to stuff like "it's not the god's way", "have you ever been with a woman to be sure you aren't straight" and my favourite one yet "you just need to have sex with a woman to cure your depression" if they know, or they will keep with their homophobic or acephobic comments and make me feel awful.

I don't really care if they know tho, I always want to show affect especially to my friend in public , like a hug or a kiss, but I restrain myself because he is in the closet and I don't want to affect him in any sort of way, I have hugged him, he says there is no problem but I still fear for him.

Yup, but im talking about people which double my age, people who are married, have kids or drink and dance, I don't like the music they listen to, my hobbies are drawing and videogames, I don't think they will enjoy the stuff i do to be quite honest and yes, a few people know (sort of) what stuff i enjoy but they don't seems to be interested on it.

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WoodwindWhistler
1 hour ago, PossumYote said:

It shouldn't but people here are kinda homophobic, they will resort to stuff like "it's not the god's way", "have you ever been with a woman to be sure you aren't straight" and my favourite one yet "you just need to have sex with a woman to cure your depression" if they know, or they will keep with their homophobic or acephobic comments and make me feel awful.

I don't really care if they know tho, I always want to show affect especially to my friend in public , like a hug or a kiss, but I restrain myself because he is in the closet and I don't want to affect him in any sort of way, I have hugged him, he says there is no problem but I still fear for him.

Yup, but im talking about people which double my age, people who are married, have kids or drink and dance, I don't like the music they listen to, my hobbies are drawing and videogames, I don't think they will enjoy the stuff i do to be quite honest and yes, a few people know (sort of) what stuff i enjoy but they don't seems to be interested on it.

First of all, Jesus specifically mentioned "born eunuchs" which in cultural context (exegesis) means gay. He told people to let them live like they will. 

Besides, St. Paul advised people not to marry if they could help it . . . and Jesus and TONS of saints were single. So I call BS on sex being a fix for depression. If I were to put my fundie hat on, just for kicks, I would say that's way more Satanic thinking than anything else. So maybe you can troll them a little with that. :P Or maybe it wouldn't even be trolling, but forcing them to think about what they're saying and the framework they're (ineffectively) trying to use against you. 

Then sounds like if they have teenaged kids, then you could bond with them over your hobbies. Perhaps you could even suggest going to a Comic Con with a group. Look like the responsible adult of the bunch, AND enjoy yourself :D 

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1 hour ago, WoodwindWhistler said:

First of all, Jesus specifically mentioned "born eunuchs" which in cultural context (exegesis) means gay. He told people to let them live like they will. 

Besides, St. Paul advised people not to marry if they could help it . . . and Jesus and TONS of saints were single. So I call BS on sex being a fix for depression. If I were to put my fundie hat on, just for kicks, I would say that's way more Satanic thinking than anything else. So maybe you can troll them a little with that. :P Or maybe it wouldn't even be trolling, but forcing them to think about what they're saying and the framework they're (ineffectively) trying to use against you. 

Then sounds like if they have teenaged kids, then you could bond with them over your hobbies. Perhaps you could even suggest going to a Comic Con with a group. Look like the responsible adult of the bunch, AND enjoy yourself :D 

People here is really weird like it's a sin being gay but it's ok to cheat on your relationship and abuse drugs.

 

lmao, I'm everything but responsable, I'm trying to be more active in local fb groups tho, so at least I can chat with new people, I made a new (online, I haven't met him IRL yet) friend recently, it's a mutual friend between my best friend and I, he lives in another city, not far from we both live. We have talked about going to parks and such, the three of us, since we are both worried about the mental health of my local friend, we think a trip to the nature will make him feel better and less stressed at least a bit.

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WoodwindWhistler
19 hours ago, PossumYote said:

People here is really weird like it's a sin being gay but it's ok to cheat on your relationship and abuse drugs.

 

lmao, I'm everything but responsable, I'm trying to be more active in local fb groups tho, so at least I can chat with new people, I made a new (online, I haven't met him IRL yet) friend recently, it's a mutual friend between my best friend and I, he lives in another city, not far from we both live. We have talked about going to parks and such, the three of us, since we are both worried about the mental health of my local friend, we think a trip to the nature will make him feel better and less stressed at least a bit.

Whhhaaat? That's messed up. (I mean it would depend on what drugs, I guess)  Hm, now that I think about it, does the Bible say anything about hallucinogens? I'm sure they existed back then. Might have even assisted prophets. Heh. 

Anyway, "adultery" as it was originally defined included oral sex, and sex before marriage. So, uh, you can just tell them they have a long way to go before they're in any sort of position to judge anyone!!

That sounds fun! You are very considerate. Hope you get into contact with lots more people, because you seem like a great friend!

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5 hours ago, WoodwindWhistler said:

Whhhaaat? That's messed up. (I mean it would depend on what drugs, I guess)  Hm, now that I think about it, does the Bible say anything about hallucinogens? I'm sure they existed back then. Might have even assisted prophets. Heh. 

Anyway, "adultery" as it was originally defined included oral sex, and sex before marriage. So, uh, you can just tell them they have a long way to go before they're in any sort of position to judge anyone!!

That sounds fun! You are very considerate. Hope you get into contact with lots more people, because you seem like a great friend!

People often brag how many girls they have banged, many people see this as "the peak of a man" or some bs and about drugs people likes to get wasted on weekends so not my kind of fun, I (used to) enjoy booze to the point I got dizzy but at home.

They don't care what their book says, they only use it to judge those who are different.

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Can I recommend MBT? Mentalisation Based Therapy? I've been doing it for a while and obviously it doesn't 'fix' anything, but it does make you question what you're feeling and why and can help you catch yourself before you spiral too dramatically. I've done CBT and every other kind going, but this actually resonates with me. It's about 'Being Curious' around what you're feeling and why. As I say, it won't fix anything, but it may very well help ease the load a little. I find myself using it without even realising. x

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9 hours ago, Lisa Smith said:

Can I recommend MBT? Mentalisation Based Therapy? I've been doing it for a while and obviously it doesn't 'fix' anything, but it does make you question what you're feeling and why and can help you catch yourself before you spiral too dramatically. I've done CBT and every other kind going, but this actually resonates with me. It's about 'Being Curious' around what you're feeling and why. As I say, it won't fix anything, but it may very well help ease the load a little. I find myself using it without even realising. x

Thanks I will tell my therapist about this, as far I can tell from the google search I did it is designed for BPD individuals right? I told my therapist that I think I might have BPD but she quickly dismissed it, I will them what I wrote here, maybe it could help for a better diagnosis.

 

Thanks for your recomendations.

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BPD is also sometimes called Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder. People don't really want to diagnose it as it can be really vague on what counts. I've never had a formal diagnosis, but have a lot of the 'symptoms' associated with it. Can't hurt to give it a shot. Worst comes to the worst, I can always take photos of the paper work I have and send them to you x

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My bloody fucking word is this relatable - can only you wish you the very best dude and hope it gets a bit easier.

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On 3/21/2019 at 5:42 PM, Lisa Smith said:

BPD is also sometimes called Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder. People don't really want to diagnose it as it can be really vague on what counts. I've never had a formal diagnosis, but have a lot of the 'symptoms' associated with it. Can't hurt to give it a shot. Worst comes to the worst, I can always take photos of the paper work I have and send them to you x

I will visit my therapist this saturday and talk about what I feel

 

On 3/24/2019 at 3:14 PM, K.I.N.G said:

My bloody fucking word is this relatable - can only you wish you the very best dude and hope it gets a bit easier.

Thank you dude, I also hope the best

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Update: So I talked to him, he said I shouldn't fear, he wont change me or something like that, he understaind my fear, even if I had no job he would still love me the way I am. We talked a lot and  I'm a bit more calmed, but i still feel fear.

I also got new medication aripiprazole and clonazepam, hope they help me with all of this.

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