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I think I'm Demisexual...


amk2707

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Hi All! 

On national coming out day, I saw a Facebook status of a friend claiming to be demisexual.  I had no idea what that meant, but a small part of me, thought "oh boy, here we go, what's this now?" (no offense to anyone - I'm always willing to learn about others and accept different types of people, this was more of an internal knee jerk reaction).  I googled it, and immediately felt a small pang of shock, as I felt the description of demisexuality applied to me, and described what I felt better than anything I had previously encountered (of course this happens after my initial snark haha).  

While things suddenly made more sense as I read, I do feel that I am not as close to the asexual spectrum as others, which initially confused me.  I then realized, again, this is a spectrum, so I need to stop thinking about it in terms of black and white.  

I'm a 28 year old straight male.  I've never really dated much.  A large part of that was due to some traumatic stuff I dealt with earlier in life.  Long story short, the aftermath made me very socially anxious around girls.  I literally was unable to be myself, and it sucked.  I eventually went through a lot of self-help, I learned to meditate, and I'm now in psychotherapy, and I've honestly made some pretty amazing strides.  Almost every area of my life has taken off, except dating.  I no longer have social anxiety at all, and honestly most of my friends are actually girls nowadays.  I feel very confident in myself and have definitely started to notice an increase in attention from girls.  

That said, I find that I am not actually attracted to many of the girls I know.  I also realized that I am not actually attracted to that many girls, period.  Over the past 8-9 years, there have only been a few girls that I felt genuine attraction to.  I definitely find many girls to be good-looking, however, once I interact with them, things change.  I don't want to say that their looks go out the window for me, but it's almost as if I start to sense them, as a person, if that makes sense.  I know a girl who I am very attracted to, we'll call her D, and around her, I feel warm, at home, safe, but it's also very fun, and we joke and flirt a lot.  However, around other girls, even ones who are good looking, and perhaps, better looking than D, they can feel...almost foreign or alien...my sexuality just dies, and I don't have this  magnetic pull towards them at all.  It just feels...off.  I don't quite know how to put it into words, but there's a conflict because part of me thinks I should be attracted to them, but...I'm just not.  There's like a disconnect.  I can enjoy them as people, but not, sexually, it seems.

I've always been a bit...weird, compared to everyone else when it came to dating.  I could never quite fit in when it came to dating or talking about dating, and I always felt a bit ashamed.  Like there was something wrong with me.  It's very frustrating because i actually love the company of girls, and I've always wanted a relationship, but it just hasn't happened, I guess because the pool of people who I click with, or have that bond with, is small, and things don't always align, as the other person is often not single :(  

All in all, I don't quite know where this leaves me, but I feel like I'm somewhere approaching demisexuality.  I'll post more if I think of it, but that's overall been my experience.  Thanks for reading, any I'd love to hear what you all think!

EDIT: One thing - I do notice that I can be aroused by girls who I don't feel this connection to, but it's not quite the same.  Like I've kissed girls, and been aroused, however...I don't know, it just isn't that strong of a pull.  It still feels...kind of foreign, or off.  That said, with D, once put my hand around her waist, and was shocked at how aroused/attracted I was.  During this time, I felt "normal" and completely in the moment.  She is someone I could see myself passionately having sex with, however, many of these other girls, even if I felt aroused when kissing them, I can't quite imagine, or even want to imagine sex with them.  It just doesn't seem that appealing...I'm kind of indifferent, honestly. 
 
No offense to anyone, but the thought of having sex with someone I wasn't connected to feels kind of repulsive.  I can't imagine why I would really want to ever do that.  

Some of this I'm still trying to figure out.  it's definitely confusing.  
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Quote

once put my hand around her waste

That seems a bit unsanitary

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It is a wide spectrum, and it’s almost impossible to distinguish where the line is between demisexual and “normal” sexuality. It’s really tricky to figure out sometimes. But it sounds like you have a lot in common with demisexuals. I was able to relate to a lot of what you wrote. If you feel like demisexuality describes you, then go ahead and use it! 

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Celyn: The Lutening
4 hours ago, amk2707 said:

I've always been a bit...weird, compared to everyone else when it came to dating.  I could never quite fit in when it came to dating or talking about dating, and I always felt a bit ashamed.  Like there was something wrong with me. 

The fact that you feel a difference between the way your attraction works, to the majority, is a good indication that you could be demi.

4 hours ago, amk2707 said:

the thought of having sex with someone I wasn't connected to feels kind of repulsive.  I can't imagine why I would really want to ever do that. 

I'm demi and I relate to this very strongly. I would also go a little further and specify "deeply/intensely connected".

 

All in all you seem to be describing demisexuality pretty closely.

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3 hours ago, Philip027 said:

That seems a bit unsanitary

LOL Waist***

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3 hours ago, Maristine said:

It is a wide spectrum, and it’s almost impossible to distinguish where the line is between demisexual and “normal” sexuality. It’s really tricky to figure out sometimes. But it sounds like you have a lot in common with demisexuals. I was able to relate to a lot of what you wrote. If you feel like demisexuality describes you, then go ahead and use it! 

 

Overall, I would say the best part is the validation that "oh ok, I'm not just avoiding relationships, or I'm just not scared or unattractive, or there's nothing wrong with me".  I haven't really "come out" as demisexual, but I know if I did, my community of people would be supportive.  It would, in a way, explain this part of my life to people, as it's always been something I've been quiet about.  I obviously haven't meant to be shady or mysterious, but it probably comes off that way.

 

 

 

2 hours ago, Celyn said:

The fact that you feel a difference between the way your attraction works, to the majority, is a good indication that you could be demi.

I'm demi and I relate to this very strongly. I would also go a little further and specify "deeply/intensely connected".

 

 All in all you seem to be describing demisexuality pretty closely.

 

Yea, the deeply/intensely connected thing makes sense.  For me, it doesn't even necessarily require a lot of depth (though depth and a serious relationship is what I ultimately desire).  Some people, like D, for whatever reason, I just..."match up" with her.  Before I even knew her well, I just felt, "ok for some reason, there's something about this girl, and I can't get her out of my head" (and this is rare).  Then we started talking, and BAM, I just felt so...at home.  I just understood her personality and humor, and she did mine.  And I could sense this before we knew each other well.  To me, there's some subconscious emotional component I can sense, and that kind of guides my entire sexuality. Even if someone is attractive, and even if I know them well, it doesn't guarantee sexual attraction without that subconscious aspect of it all.  

 

 

Thanks for writing guys!

 

 

Also, another thing is that I've always been very frustrated about my dating life.  It was never about sex, it was more frustrating that I haven't found anyone who I connect with, and that cares about me in that way.  That said, when there's no attraction, and given that I move at a different speed than "normal" sexual people, it's hard to flirt or anything, which makes the situation awkward.  It's also awkward because a lot of people lead with their sexuality, and become close after, while for me, it feels like the opposite.  The "normal" route of being sexual first doesn't even work for me.  Again, it feels off, weird, and uncomfortable, so it's not even like I can suck it up and just go with it.  It just doesn't feel like an option - I have to lead with feelings/friendship first.  

 

 

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Celyn: The Lutening

I don't thinkthe "normal route" is sex first, and most allos aren't sexually attracted to every attractive person they get on with.

 

It can seem that way from an ace/demi perspective though.

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5 hours ago, Celyn said:

I don't thinkthe "normal route" is sex first, and most allos aren't sexually attracted to every attractive person they get on with.

 

It can seem that way from an ace/demi perspective though.

But wouldn’t you say that a guy may talk to a girl with hopes of dating/having sex with her because she turns him on?  Like there was probably a visual/physical attraction right?

 

for me, I can aesthetically see a girl is good looking, but that doesn’t do much for me. Just yesterday I was photographed for a print advertisement, and the girl photographed with me was very good looking. I had no desire for her sexually at all. She was cool, and we got along and all, but there was just no sexual desire at all. 

 

What would you say “normal” looks like?

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  • 2 weeks later...
nineGardens
On 3/14/2019 at 5:46 AM, amk2707 said:

What would you say “normal” looks like?

 

Honestly, you may be on the wrong forum for answering that question. :P

If 90% of the people here are somewhere on the Ace spectrum, many of them will be ill placed to answer that question.

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  • 2 weeks later...
Galacticat42
On 3/14/2019 at 5:46 AM, amk2707 said:

What would you say “normal” looks like?

Less than Freud but more than demi.

 

In all seriousness, the guys (and some girls) I've known would want to 'score' for a one night stand, or if they want a more lasting relationship, ask them on a date then score. Growing up, boys would look through magazines of women and say if they'd bang or not or if she's hot or not... I never really understood it. I will say, you should throw the idea of 'normal' out the window because there really is no normal. People do people things anywhere from rape to abstinence. Demisexuality is very middle road and genuine.

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