Sexual Males with Asexual Females

[Sendbillshere]

My girlfriend recently came out to me that she's an asexual which pretty much contradicts against my heavy sexual appetite. We love each other very but we both do have extreme differences in personality. I'm extremely affectionate, she's not so much.

We've decided to give each other a number of months to see how our relationship can work with our current compromises (kisses have been dumbed down to pecks on the cheeks and no sex). I'm not treating her asexuality as a phase or a problem, simply something that I'm willing to deal with. There are characteristics about her that I truly love that also tie into her being asexual.

However, I'm a bit lost here. As I mentioned earlier, I'm extremely physical and intimate and though she loves me, it's kinda hard for her to express it. She's told me plenty of times that she loves me and likes being with me. Any advice for me, maybe her too? I'm trying to respect her space so as I'm not putting any pressure on her. I really want to try and make this work. I've made stupid "man-mistakes" (not cheating, just getting scared and nearly killing the relationship early on) and I realize that it might have had an impact on how much she'll emotionally open up to me, even though she's told me that she's doesn't worry about it too much. Though I'm aware of the fact that chances aren't exactly awesome, please no replies saying "Oh, you're done for Jack" and their like.

Thanks.

[Manathane]

As I mentioned earlier, I'm extremely physical and intimate and though she loves me, it's kinda hard for her to express it.

I don't know how to help you, but I wanted to let you know that physical intimacy is not the only way to express love.

[a-d]

My girlfriend recently came out to me that she's an asexual

Does she do a lot with AVEN? I'm not saying that you divulge her identity if she does, but maybe if she's posted a lot, you could get to know a lot more about her on AVEN than just through direct conversation. It might sound crazy, but it could be really effective. If she's not all into AVEN, it might help both of you to learn more about asexuality here.

[Hallucigenia]

I don't know how to help you, but I wanted to let you know that physical intimacy is not the only way to express love.

This comment might be more helpful if it had a list of alternatives along with it. How 'bout writing love notes, dancing (nonsexually), taking her places, reading together, working on some project together, talking about your values, stuff like that...?

[Manathane]

I don't know how to help you, but I wanted to let you know that physical intimacy is not the only way to express love.

This comment might be more helpful if it had a list of alternatives along with it. How 'bout writing love notes, dancing (nonsexually), taking her places, reading together, working on some project together, talking about your values, stuff like that...?

Sorry. I was just thinking, maybe, he could ask his gf how she thought she expressed her love... cause a lot of asexuals have their own way to express it, and maybe she has her own. Maybe he just doesn't recognise it as a form of expression, whatever it is.

But yeah, it's probably good that you made a list. ;)

[Sendbillshere]

Thanks for the suggestions guys. She's not much of an affectionate person and after talking, we discovered it tied in with her past and issues with family. I'm trying to take it as slow as possible but then again, there is that whole saying that nice guys finish last.

I invited her to Thanksgiving with my family. She said "we'll see". Not exactly uplifting considering I've been by her folk's place many times already. Then again, it wasn't a no. We've been together for over a year now and I guess the frustration on my part has only gotten bigger, especially considering that her asexuality makes it appear like that I don't interest her any longer.

Back to my point, I know I can't make her come along for turkey, but any suggestions on how to sweeten the deal? I want us both to be happy and though I've compromised greatly, her seeing my family is important and would make me happy. I already know I should explain this to her, that much is certain, but anything else I'm missing here?

[sunset]

My husband (sexual) and I (asexual) struggle with the same issues. I love him so much, but I really can't stand physical closeness. The closer he gets, the more distance I need. We've gone over and over what to do about this. We're considering divorce, but first we're going to try to spend more quality time together. We're definitely soul-mates, and he doesn't want to give that up. At the same time, he hates the idea of never having sex again. (I love that idea). And I told him he could cheat, but when he mentioned there was someone interested, I realized there is no way I can be married to someone who is sleeping with someone else. So, this is a struggle for a lot of couples. Maybe you two could work out non-physical ways that she can show her love for you.

About the trip, you might want to ask your girlfriend how she feels when she thinks about going to see your family. It seems that a lot of asexuals are shy. Maybe there's some social anxiety she needs to overcome. Good luck!

[Iosis]

To be honest, I don't think it'll work. If you have no desire of giving up your sexuality, you must find someone else.

[Agnieszka]

I invited her to Thanksgiving with my family. She said "we'll see". Not exactly uplifting considering I've been by her folk's place many times already.

I agree with Sunset on this one - maybe she's got social anxiety. Or maybe she simply sees such a visit as a really big step in your relationship (and it doesn't matter that you've visited her parents many times - it's kind of different for girls ;)) and is somehow afraid of whatever may follow that, especially that it's a 'family holiday thing' and not just a casual visit? I'm just guessing here - the best thing you can do is try to talk to her about it and maybe ask her to explain her reservations (if she has any). I wouldn't start the conversation by telling her how important this is to you because it can make her feel guilty and miserable about not wanting to go.

It's definitely a tough situation.

[ibicella]

That's really great that you want to try. You've got good strength of character.

The only things I can really suggest is to try to focus on all the wonderful things you do with your girlfriend and think regularly about why you're with her. Try to remember to take moments out of your life and appreciate her. Sometimes certain issues get blown out of proportion and they become killers to a relationship. It helps keep everything in perspective.

Basically, if you can appreciate all the affection she DOES show you, the physical stuff might be much easier to manage for you.

My suggestion to her is to tell you regularly how much you mean to her and instigate hugs and kisses if possible.

Good luck to you.

[Arukei]

This fourm sometimes seems very depressing for people like us Sendbillshere. My S.O. didn't discover her asexuality untill after we were married. Needless to say it's a challenge for both of us. But on the bright side most marriges have challenges in them of some kind or another. I think we can make it through, but I can be very stubborn (and an optomist). You need to think long and hard about weather you want this challenge in the rest of your life or not and if you don't then end it sooner rather than later. For me the signs came to late and I was already committed. Go look through the thread on "for asexuals who have had sex" It might give you an idea of what you'll be doing to your S.O. when it gets that far. At the very least if you've already done it then it will make you feel like an enormous piece of shit. I know it did for me!! :roll: :roll: :oops: :oops:

[Kallan]

Thanks for the suggestions guys. She's not much of an affectionate person and after talking, we discovered it tied in with her past and issues with family.

It is entirely possible (and not entirely uncommon) for asexuals to have intimacy problems of their own. If this is the case, as she get's over her intimacy issues (whatever they may be) she may be interested in a higher degree of non-sexual physical intimacy.

Here's a thread where some asexuals list and discuss the things they find intimate.

http://www.asexuality.org/discussion/viewtopic.php?t=18910

[fern]

I would add that constant communication is KEY. Misunderstandings like 'she's not interested in me' - on your part, and, 'He's only intersted in me for sex' on her part - can often be cleared up just by checking in with each other. And you may find that neither of these is the case. At the very least, it minimizes the potential for such misunderstandings to lead to damaging emotional snags. Which are hazardous to ANY relationship.

And I commend you for trying. It really does show a tremendous strength of character.

[Sphinx]

As the sexual boyfriend of an asexual girl I'm head-over-heels for, I'll say "hang in there, buddy."

In my relationship, we've both had to make compromises on physicality, but it's been going strong for just about a year now (and that's after we danced around a relationship for a good chunk of time prior).

As you well know already, it's not an easy thing to be a very sexual person in a deep romantic relationship with an asexual, and vice versa, but it can work out. As said above, your girlfriend may well have intimacy issues which tie into her past which can be worked through and possibly overcome. While I am by no means implying that her asexuality is just a reaction of sorts to past experiences, maybe she can open up more to you, both physically and non-physically.

The one thing that tops my list of priorities in terms of maintaining a good relationship: rapport. Keep up a dialogue with your girlfriend. Let both parties know how the other feels. I express a lot of affection through physical bonding, and she expresses a lot of affection through more emotional bonding. THe fact that asexuals can be very, very deeply emotionally involved, yet not express it physically, can certainly be confusing for sexuals who've been brought up in a very sexual-centric environment.

I know it's something I've had to get used to.

Of course, on the flip side, my girlfriend has become more physical over the course of our relationship, though sex doesn't interest her. She's tried to be more physical because she knows that that gives me an extra measure of happiness, but we've tried not to pressure the other into or out of anything really (I'm a good deal more prone to pressuring than she is).

A sexual+asexual relationship is usually not easy to effectively maintain because differences lie in things that are very foundational to our behaviors.

But, it can usually work out if you hang in there and develop a healthy rapport. Her lack of interest in physicality isn't a sign of disinterest in you, though I very much understand that sometimes it can feel that way. Dialogue can greatly help with that.

:-)

Good luck. You can work through it, but it'lt take time, effort, and patience.