How do you know if you're ready for sex?

[Chrissy Noelle]

And I'm back again with queries about the sex! Except it's a bit more personal this time.

 

So uh, it's only been a little over a month since I came back and gave an update on my stance of sexuality and life and all that stuff.

But, new things developed.

 

Long story short: I want sex with my boyfriend and he wants it with me. But several things get in the way:

 

A. It's a long distance relationship.

 

B. I'm technically still a minor, I'm 18 in two months but it still tips me all the way to the "No" side.

 

C. We've only been together for three months. I feel a little guilty admitting that but what can I say. We both turned out to be hopelessly kinky.

 

D. I know little about sex. I'm researching and I'm going to a sex ed class soon, but I can't just jump into it.

 

We both know all this and we both acknowledge that we can't actually get our sexy on for awhile. So I'm not asking if we should have it because I know we probably shouldn't.

I have other questions though.

 

Is it normal for both of us to want to do the do so early on in dating? I mean, we have known each other for nearly three years, two thirds of that was as besties and only just recently is it at the SO level. So maybe it makes sense since we've already known and trusted each other for awhile?? Maybe I'm being too naive again, heheh.

 

What's the difference between being horny, and being mentally and emotionally ready for sex? My body can scream "GIVE IT TO ME RIGHT NOW!!!" and even my mind gets the lenny face. But I know that to be ready for sex you have to be emotionally prepared as well. How do you know if you're ready in that area? 

 

I do know that sex is meant to be both as a reliever to sexual urges, and a way to bond very intimately with someone. Knowing this, I would love to have it with my boyfriend to bond closer to him and for the sake of us feeling good too. But does that necessarily mean I'm ready for it in mind and body?

 

I really want to make sure that we do it at the right time, and don't just go for it blindly. Maybe we both REALLY want it now, but I don't want to make a mistake by going unprepared one day. And there are other prerequisites that need to be passed first too. I just need a little advice and answers on these questions. I'm a very unsure and doubtful person by nature so I can't really figure this out by myself. I should probably talk to my boyfriend more about it too.

 

I would talk to my therapist and I will, but I need an outside opinion because she's a little biased by religion, and doesn't really match up with my views. 😞

 

 

Also, sorry if I'm sounding a little scattered. I feel really dopey and floaty. I'm not sure why.

 

 

TL;DR- How do I know if I'm responsible and emotionally prepared enough for sex? And is it normal to blatantly want to have sex with your SO early on?

 

[Sally]

1.  No one is ready for sex, in the sense of understanding just what it will be like.  It isn't an activity that's dependent upon a lot of  thought or rational preparation.  

 

2.  Wanting to have sex with someone -- or just wanting to have sex -- doesn't depend on how long or how well you've known them.  It can amount to wanting to have sex with them in particular, or just wanting to have sex.  

 

Having said those two things, I'll admit I'm asexual -- but have had decades of sex with my husband and then my partner -- so not much feeling, but a lot of experience and observation. 

 

 

[Måskemigselvetsted]

A) This seems to be your biggest problem but it's not really about being ready but more about whether it's actually possible or not

 

B) You're nearly 18. I really don't see the problem. In a ton of countries the legal age where you can consent is somewhere between 14-17. You're good.

 

C) Three months isn't a short time. For most allos it's a pretty long time to be in a relationship without having sex (maybe not if it's the first time, I don't know). I'm ace, and I'd known my current crush for less than a week, when we had sex. 3 months isn't rushing it.

 

D) It's okay not to know everything about sex before you start having it. However, you should be aware of ways to protect yourself, that it doesn't have to hurt, and that you are allowed to stop again at any point - and that's it. The rest is just icing on the cake that might or might not make it more fun for your partner and you. I know shit about actually having sex, and I survived just fine.

 

To me it sounds like you have put a lot thought into it, are mature about it, want it, and that makes me think you are ready. I don't think there is some but "I'm definitely ready"-feeling. I didn't have one at least. I think it's more about "I'd like to try this, and I know how to do it safely, so let's give it a go" - that's where I ended up after spending years trying to figure out if I was ready or not at least. Do whatever makes you happy.

[Skycaptain]

First things first. Just to cover our legals, whatever the age of consent where you live, stick to it. 

 

As others have said different people develop physically and mentally at different rates. Same within a relationship, depending on the individuals, how often you interact etc, but I'd say experiencing desire within three months is entirely normal. 

[Chrissy Noelle]

Thanks for your replies everyone!

 

I do apologize if the "three months in we want to do the do" question seemed kinda stupid, background and such has a big influence on me to believe you should only want it years in, or after marriage. 😅 But hey, now I know it's normal!

 

On 3/10/2019 at 4:01 AM, Måskemigselvetsted said:

A) This seems to be your biggest problem but it's not really about being ready but more about whether it's actually possible or not

Well, since he lives in New York, it definitely isn't possible right now. 

 

On 3/10/2019 at 4:01 AM, Måskemigselvetsted said:

 

B) You're nearly 18. I really don't see the problem. In a ton of countries the legal age where you can consent is somewhere between 14-17. You're good.

I'm in Arkansas, USA...oh wow, I didn't realize the age of consent was 16. So...I guess that's solved.

 

However I have been told laws for sexting/sending nudes are required that you be 18 or over in Arkansas, I'm not sure if that's true but I guess that means more research.

 

On 3/10/2019 at 4:01 AM, Måskemigselvetsted said:

C) Three months isn't a short time. For most allos it's a pretty long time to be in a relationship without having sex (maybe not if it's the first time, I don't know). I'm ace, and I'd known my current crush for less than a week, when we had sex. 3 months isn't rushing it.

Really? Damn. I mean I don't think I'd want to have sex at that time, but it does make me feel better.

 

On 3/10/2019 at 4:01 AM, Måskemigselvetsted said:

D) It's okay not to know everything about sex before you start having it. However, you should be aware of ways to protect yourself, that it doesn't have to hurt, and that you are allowed to stop again at any point - and that's it. The rest is just icing on the cake that might or might not make it more fun for your partner and you. I know shit about actually having sex, and I survived just fine.

 

To me it sounds like you have put a lot thought into it, are mature about it, want it, and that makes me think you are ready. I don't think there is some but "I'm definitely ready"-feeling. I didn't have one at least. I think it's more about "I'd like to try this, and I know how to do it safely, so let's give it a go" - that's where I ended up after spending years trying to figure out if I was ready or not at least. Do whatever makes you happy.

 

Your last bit gave me a lot of encouragement, thank you! ^^

 

I have been thinking very hard about it recently, and I do want to make a good choice. I've had samples of "phone sex" already, and I loved the sessions to be honest! It's fun and I believe it makes me open up more and more. We both enjoy it.

 

I suppose I just need to trust myself and abandon any restrictive ideals. I mean, not lose my common sense or boundaries or anything, but things that make me feel guilty.

If it'll make me happy, I guess it's a good thing.

 

I'm still going to do my research and learn what I can about protection, STDs and all that stuff. And if I'm honest, I would prefer to not have sex with someone I just met in person. Just to make sure I feel good around him outside of a screen. My parents set "no sex" house rules anyhow, since I have younger siblings.

 

On 3/9/2019 at 2:21 AM, CBC said:

And yes, you should talk to your boyfriend. Not probably; definitely.

Didn't mean to sound uncertain, lol. I'm gonna try to talk to him tonight. I'm really nervous, but wish me luck all the same.

 

 

Thank you all again! I was feeling incredibly uncertain about my choice, and the things I've already done sexually with my boyfriend. I feel assured.

[Salmiakki]

It's really not illegal to have sex as a minor. 

[Philip027]

It is for the other person if they're not a minor, though.  That's kind of the whole point of defining who minors are.

 

I would imagine the OP does not want to get someone she presumably likes into legal trouble.

[R_1]

Depends on the laws. There's some states which has gap allowance of few years. Like a 17 years old can be with a 18 years old for example in some states. In others, they would have to wait. See Romeo and Juliet law. Also, this is a subject with a lot of conditionals, and technicality. Age of consent by countries range by 14-21 (2 countries set age of consent to 21), and some use marriage qualifiers - http://worldpopulationreview.com/countries/countries-by-age-of-consent/

 

Disclaimer - Not a lawyer

[andreas1033]

6 hours ago, Salmiakki said:

It's really not illegal to have sex as a minor. 

Yes, it is, if the authorities find out, or the parents can bring rape charges against the boy, if both are under age of consent. Obviously if its a female older, having sex with under age boy, she can be accused of rape.

 

Most people whom had under age sex, just never were discovered, or caught.

 

If two kids have sex under age, the female parents could in theory bring rape charges against the boy.

 

Your not legally able to make the decision to have sex, until age of consent.

 

Of course loads of sexual people lost there virginity before there age of consent in there countries. What they did was technically illegal, and they could of been prosecuted for it, if authorities or parents wanted it.

 

But generally its only enforced, if an adult has under age sex with a person under the age of consent.

 

Like how females are only ever prosecuted for this, when them as female teachers have sex with an under age boy for example. Thats mostly the only time a female would be prosecuted for it. But adult males would be prosecuted rightly more so, as adults, for having under age sex with a girl under age of consent. Of course, it probably happens alot to sexuals, ie they lose there virginity that way.

 

Laws are enforced by people. But of course they can only enforce the law, when they know of it. Police are really called law enforcement, and that says it all.

[everywhere and nowhere]

6 hours ago, Salmiakki said:

It's really not illegal to have sex as a minor. 

But is it a good thing? I really think that the age at which an average person is truly ready for sex is closer to 20-22 than 16. (And some people will never be ready and that's fine too.)

[R_1]

2 minutes ago, Nowhere Girl said:

But is it a good thing? I really think that the age at which an average person is truly ready for sex is closer to 20-22 than 16. (And some people will never be ready and that's fine too.)

Portugal and Bahrain agrees with you. Age of consent in both - 21.

[everywhere and nowhere]

1 minute ago, R_1 said:

Portugal and Bahrain agrees with you. Age of consent in both - 21.

To be honest, I don't support that high age of consent. I don't think it would be fair to make the age of consent any higher than the age of having full legal rights (which is 18 almost everywhere). But I support a kind of sex ed which would be much more about resisting pressure, about saying that not having sex is OK too, about teaching that nothing short of "really wanting it and being sure about one's feelings" is a good enough reason to have sex.

[R_1]

1 minute ago, Nowhere Girl said:

To be honest, I don't support that high age of consent. I don't think it would be fair to make the age of consent any higher than the age of having full legal rights (which is 18 almost everywhere). But I support a kind of sex ed which would be much more about resisting pressure, about saying that not having sex is OK too, about teaching that nothing short of "really wanting it and being sure about one's feelings" is a good enough reason to have sex.

The reason why age of consent is there is higher because of cultural viewpoint mainly. Some logical argument to support it is that the brain fully matures at the age of 25, and arguably an 18 years old are far less capable of deciding than say a 21 years old due to that observation. I'm not seeing anything wrong with that high of a consent when there is logic to support it.

[andreas1033]

Personally i think hetero sexual age of consent, should be 17(should not be lower than 16 for me), and gay age of consent should be 20.

 

Its about judging when a majority, are ready to understand the risks involved in what sex is. Both hetero sex, and gay male sex, involve different risks and understandings, so should be different ages.

 

People at those ages, should appreciate what sex is, and the risks involved in it.

[everywhere and nowhere]

3 minutes ago, andreas1033 said:

Personally i think hetero sexual age of consent, should be 17(should not be lower than 16 for me), and gay age of consent should be 20.

 

People at those ages, should appreciate what sex is, and the risks involved in it.

Why should gay people be discriminated? It's not like these are choices to make, for some people gay sex is the only possible option (just like for some people, first of all sex-averse asexuals, "no sex" is the only option).

[andreas1033]

4 minutes ago, Nowhere Girl said:

Why should gay people be discriminated? It's not like these are choices to make, for some people gay sex is the only possible option (just like for some people, first of all sex-averse asexuals, "no sex" is the only option).

It is not discrimination.

 

To decide your gay, it takes more time to work out. You will see many countries, have a higher age of consent for gays, then heteros.

 

You will see many countries have a higher age for gay then hetero age of consent.

 

Its not for me discrimination. Its just more complicated to comes to terms for a person who is gay, rather then hetero. You will find many countries, have different age of consents for both.

 

Like being asexual, i always say people should wait until they confirm they are asexual, until there energies are peaked. Asexuals, can know when young, but you cannot be sure, until, you have reached your peak energy, and your heading down. Thats early 20's for males, and late 20 for females.

[everywhere and nowhere]

1 hour ago, andreas1033 said:

You will see many countries, have a higher age of consent for gays, then heteros.

And nowadays it's considered discrimination.

 

I agree with a bit of discrimination which protects the unsure and feels too restrictive for the early-ready. (That said: I would welcome a higher age of consent, but I don't think that teenage sex shuld be outright criminalised. So I support "Romeo and Juliet laws" which would bar criminal proceeding if the case was consensual and the age difference was no higher than four years. Psychogically unprepared sex is not a good thing, but it's not a criminal offence either.) But I absolutely oppose higher age of consent for gay sex. Gay sex is as natural and as morally pure as straight sex and treating gay youth as "sexual predators" is apalling.

[Måskemigselvetsted]

On 3/13/2019 at 5:01 AM, Chrissy Noelle said:

 

Really? Damn. I mean I don't think I'd want to have sex at that time, but it does make me feel better.

 

Yes, really. I mean, it was not that simple in the sense that it took me years of trying to decide if I even wanted sex and how I would know if I was ready first, and another very short crush (we went on two pretty intense dates, then he found another person to date exclusively) which gave me some time to again decide whether sex was something I'd like to give a go. So when I met my current crush I already knew that I was open to the idea of having sex at some point when I felt comfortable about it.

 

On 3/13/2019 at 5:01 AM, Chrissy Noelle said:

 

Your last bit gave me a lot of encouragement, thank you! ^^

 

I have been thinking very hard about it recently, and I do want to make a good choice. I've had samples of "phone sex" already, and I loved the sessions to be honest! It's fun and I believe it makes me open up more and more. We both enjoy it.

 

I suppose I just need to trust myself and abandon any restrictive ideals. I mean, not lose my common sense or boundaries or anything, but things that make me feel guilty.

If it'll make me happy, I guess it's a good thing.

 

I'm still going to do my research and learn what I can about protection, STDs and all that stuff. And if I'm honest, I would prefer to not have sex with someone I just met in person. Just to make sure I feel good around him outside of a screen. My parents set "no sex" house rules anyhow, since I have younger siblings.

 

It sounds like you have a really good attitude towards this. Don't be too hard on yourself - unlearning sexual ideals you don't personally agree with (such as waiting to after marriage) takes time. Good luck!

 

And about the nudes and sexting - I've personally never heard sextings isn't allowed but having nudes of people under 18 are in some countries treated as child pornography, so definitely check up on how it is for your states if you plan on doing that.

[JessPlaysChess]

Hey. I'm just gonna talk about the not-18-thing. I personally don't think the law plays any role in this topic. In Germany, sex is legal as soon as you're 14 and the other partner must be under 21. However, even if that's not the case - it's only gonna become a problem if either one of you two does not consent or if the parents have a problem with it. Alternatively, if a rly weird person with no other problems finds out and feels the necessity to report it. Only if anyone is gonna notice and literally report you at the police for having sex, is this gonna be an issue! (And then the older part is usually the one getting a problem) And even then, I don't think the court would even care if you both stated your consent. But seriously, a) do I doubt you're gonna run around telling all adults you've had sex and b) nobody really cares about an issue that isn't an issue for any of the participants. I'm ace so it's not been a problem for me and your mindset it probably very laudable - I just really don't see any necessity for you to wait if you both feel good about it! (That would be an interesting world to live in where everybody waits till 18 with sex 😂 I'm currently graduating and we made some statistics for the year book - less the 30% are virgins (we're all ~17-20))

[Sally]

The age of consent DOES mean something -- because if either party is not old enough, other people (parents or whoever is concerned) may enter the equation and that's certainly going to affect the relationship.

 

In Arkansas, it's legal if both partners are at least 16.  

[Skycaptain]

Depending on the country involved age of consent can mean a lot more than that, such as jail terms, being put on the sex offenders list and hence being barred from many jobs.. 

[Anony-moose]

On 3/13/2019 at 1:24 PM, R_1 said:

Portugal and Bahrain agrees with you. Age of consent in both - 21.

Age of consent in Portugal is 16, not 21

[R_1]

17 minutes ago, Anony-moose said:

Age of consent in Portugal is 16, not 21

I must have the wrong source - http://worldpopulationreview.com/countries/countries-by-age-of-consent/. That source shows that Portugal age of consent is 21. So, 3 countries have age of consent higher than 18 - Niue, South Korea, and Bahrain.

 

 

[Anony-moose]

2 hours ago, R_1 said:

I must have the wrong source - http://worldpopulationreview.com/countries/countries-by-age-of-consent/. That source shows that Portugal age of consent is 21. So, 3 countries have age of consent higher than 18 - Niue, South Korea, and Bahrain.

 

 

Ahh, yeah that source got it wrong

[Chrissy Noelle]

A little update, my 18th birthday has come and gone and I've done some more since then. Everything I did I was very comfortable with once starting, came naturally, and felt safe and controlled properly. I'm not scared or reluctant anymore and I think maybe experimenting is really the best way, at least for me. :) 

Surprisingly a lot changed over the past 4-5 months in me, for the better I think. One day I'm actually gonna get laid lol.

[Homer]

I think that the question itself is a good indicator on whether you're ready or not. Once it stops popping up, you're likely good