Have any of you been married?

[Lookingman]

It is great that there are other folks who share our feelings that sex is as necessary to good living as eating cashews. Some love it, some don't, some can take it or leave it, and all gradations between.

In my young days, I always assumed I was a sexual, and looked forward to the day I would get to "make love" in the manner I was led to believe was heaven on earth. Then I got to do it. I thought it not what it was cracked up to be. I figured maybe it was just a less than correctly executed experience. So I kept trying every chance I could get. I kept learning that sex was overrated. Eventually, I decided it was really not worth the energy involved. Last and not least, I discovered it was always more romantic, more exciting to *wonder* about having sex with a woman, than to actually have sex with a woman. (I hope that makes sense to somebody! LOL)

I still think that for younger people, having sex with the mutual yearning to conceive, create a child, etc.---that can be very romantic, intimate, etc. I do not doubt it. Also, if two folks like to have sex---for any reason---I think it is great so long as they are responsible. But the idea of sex for no reason other than only one wants to, I don't get it.

Since I don't want to conceive any child, and since I don't think sex is worth the effort, I will never have sex again---even though I do love to cuddle, and otherwise be intimate with a woman.

I know there are some here who do not enjoy much in the way of touching, and cuddling. I am that way to some extent, believing that such will lead to another wanting to take off the panties, and such. But if I know that there is no expectation of having to explain that sex is unwanted; that it is more fun to keep our panties on, then cuddling and touching is awesome to me.

[Camella]

Are you from Bentonville Arkansas?

My mother is asexual and she expects me to find her ... men. Every time I get her a man... she runs them off because they want sex and I run them off when they hit on me, I'm married.

I'm so looking forward to going home/heaven. I'm sick of this body, this life... but for now I must "run the race" because I'm married to a great guy and have to awesome little boys.

[Chiaroscuro]

Lookingman askes a series of questions:

If you capitulate and don't have sex, then why can't the marriage work? Are you saying that the only way it works is if the asexual capitulates and has sex with her sexual partner? Why can't the sexual capitulate and not have sex?

I'm saying the marriage cannot work if either party, sexual or asexual, has to capitulate. Capitulation isn't compromise, it's surrender. It's saying "your needs trump mine." That's not a healthy way to live for anybody, sexual or asexual.

Why is sex important? I realize that wanting kids is important and sex is the mechanism for that. What if there is no further need to have kids? What is the point of the sex? A couple can't be intimate without trying to have kids/pretending to try to have kids?

Sex, in this context has nothing at all to do with procreation. Zip. I have kids and I love them, but bringing them into the world had nothing to do with wanting sex. You have to trust that sexual people can't feel intimate without sex. It doesn't mean we want sex all the time. It doesn't mean we can't just cuddle without proceeding to "the act". It's all about having a partner you desire and feeling that desire reciprocated. That's more subtle than the simplistic thing asexuals seem to believe we sexuals want: "a partner who will bring me to orgasm."

What is the big deal all about? Even for sexuals, how many times does one have to do this to satisfy whatever need is satisfied by trying to have kids/pretending to try to have kids?

It's not about number of times. It's not about number of orgasms. It's about the barrier. It's about not being able to express my desire for you. It's about not feeling that desire coming back to me. I honor the fact that you don't feel that, but sexuals do feel it. Very keenly. Ultimately we have to respect one another when we say, on the one hand: sex is distasteful to me; and on the other sex is important to me.

-Chiaroscuro

[Lookingman]

Thanks Chiaroscuro for the nice replies to my "questions". Your replies made sense, while at the same time they reinforce that I am different from sexuals.

"Chiaroscuro" said

Capitulation isn't compromise, it's surrender. It's saying "your needs trump mine." That's not a healthy way to live for anybody, sexual or asexual. ***

Ultimately we have to respect one another when we say, on the one hand: sex is distasteful to me; and on the other sex is important to me.

The above statements, especially, are hard to argue with. I clearly agree.

[Camella]

Are you from Bentonville Arkansas... can anyone see my posts?

[Lookingman]

Yes Camella, i am from near Bentonville, Arkansas. You are a matchmaker for your mother? Does she know? Does she approve? BTW, I am a 50-something guy.

[starjade]

I love the answers from 2 coffees and sunset.

I have been married 2 times and I had lovers before and inbetween but 20 years ago I said I want to be celibate for the rest of my life. I'm 70 now. My marriage partners were not very good, idiots actually, sorry if I sound caustic but whatever. My lovers were very nice. But when I decided to be celibate it was such a relief. I could talk to men, tell them I had taken a vow of celibacy and really get to know them. Now I can update the word to asexual. Feels very right and very good. So glad I met all you people.

Starjade

[hdlady9]

I was married twice. First one ended because I didn't like sex. The second thank God he was kind of understanding. Know matter how hard I tried I just didn't like it. I loved him, but the sex! No! It wasn't him. It was me. I've always felt this way. Why people think you need sex to have a relationship is beyond me.

[AFLWRCHLD1949]

Can't tell you all how great this forum has been for my self worth. I honestly thought for the last 30 yrs. that I was a complete oddity and would live out my later years in an assylum...

I have been completely honest with my dating relationship this time, and he is sure that if I take enough pills that I will feel better...He even says that one day I will love him as much as he loves me....I keep telling him that LOVE and SEX are two different things...for me anyway....I really do enjoy being with him, going out to eat, movies, fishing and all the other things we do, but I really get the feeling he is just doing alot of things for the payoff.

The arguements we have always are about sex...I agreed to compromise with 2x a week at first, but found I was full of anxiety every day, wondering if tonite was one of the ones...Crap....He also says he loves to cuddle..that I do as well....but, of course he gets all turned on by it....so I back away from that too now....I just dont think this is gonna work.

Any suggestions? Thanks for listening..[/code][/b]

[KAGU143]

Well, Flowerchild, I think you are seeing the writing on the wall as far as that relationship is concerned. :(

Most sexual guys can't understand how it's even remotely possible to not be interested in sex - hence they assume it has to be a disorder of some kind. It isn't. It's a normal variation on the spectrum of human sexuality. (The other extreme is often called nymphomania.)

I compare the classic asexual attitude toward sex to most peoples' attitude toward nose-blowing:

Um, yeah ... it might be a need sometimes, but wouldn't it be better if you just dealt with it privately and by yourself?

I don't need any help blowing my nose, and I don't want to help you with yours, either!

And by the way, what the hell has it got to do with love??!! :?

-GB

[Lookingman]

I compare the classic asexual attitude toward sex to most peoples' attitude toward nose-blowing:

Um, yeah ... it might be a need sometimes, but wouldn't it be better if you just dealt with it privately and by yourself?

I don't need any help blowing my nose, and I don't want to help you with yours, either!

And by the way, what the hell has it got to do with love??!! :?

-GB

Nice response. I have wondered if a compromise might be to hold his hand or to snuggle next to him, while he um..."blows his nose", so to speak?

The intimacy of being there, being supportive, wanting him to be satisfied...has more to do with love than does a method of exchange of body fluids IMO.

[soma55]

He also says he loves to cuddle..that I do as well....but' date=' of course he gets all turned on by it....so I back away from that too now....I just dont think this is gonna work.

Any suggestions? Thanks for listening..[/code'][/b]

I don't want to be a wet blanket but if you are already compromising [and feeling bad/anxious/stressed about it] and arguing about it, it's better just to end it now and save yourself a lot of grief. Unless, of course, you're madly "in love" and think it's worth the trade-off.... (unimaginable to me, but hey, who am I?) Everyone has different levels of tolerance and different needs for companionship, so it's all about asking yourself the question "Is his companionship really worth this big stinky elephant in the room every time we're together?"

[Sandra P]

I started a real firestorm here a few months ago, with the topic of open marriage..... It is a very complicated subject. I have done a great deal of research in the past several months; my husband brought up the subject for our marriage..... There is not one simeple answer that fits every couple. I have been searching for a discussion forum that addresses the topic deeply enough for meaningful discussion... to date I have not found one.

Open marriage works for some, and not others. For our relationship, it would not have worked.....

[Lookingman]

I started a real firestorm here a few months ago, with the topic of open marriage.....

Open marriage works for some, and not others. For our relationship, it would not have worked.....

Your topic caused a firestorm? I missed the discussion. Why should "open marriage" cause a firestorm---especially for those of us who find sex, at best, some kind of meaningless ritual.

Why do you say it would not have worked for your relationship?

[Endurance]

My marriage ended after 15 years, but should have ended at least 10 years before that.

I was willing to have sex even though I don't feel desire, enjoy it, or ever get "in the mood". I figured he cared a lot, and as long as I didn't have to do anything I find painful or humiliating it would be ok.

My relationship did not end because of sex, it ended because of abuse. At one time he was asking for sex up to 15 - 20 times a week, and I never said no, so it wasn't that he wasn't getting his sexual needs met.

The problem was abuse. Humiliation, verbal abuse, forcing me to do exactly the things I found painful or humiliating, and physical stuff. I actualy would rather be hit then the other stuff.

The worse the abuse got, the more I shut down, dissociated, and wanted to die. He made it clear that if I left, he'd track me down and I believed him.

Finally, after 2 suicide attempts, I was hospitalized and he said to the doctors that I couldn't come home. I think once I got "crazy" I was too much trouble. I was so so grateful. I really thought I would only get out of that feet first in a coffin.

I will never be in another "relationship", I can't even imagine wanting to share a bed or apartment.

Whoever it was who said sex is one thing, abuse is another is completely right. Sex I would have given, but abuse is something that is unendurable.

I am really happy to be a mom though. That was really what getting married was all about for me. I just wish I would have decided to be a single mother by choice.

Endurance

[relieved]

I was in a long term relationship kind of. And i say this because we slept in the same bed for 7 years. sexually intimate maybe the first 2yrs.

when we met he mentioned certain sexual acts which i told him i would not do. i also did not want to perform felatio .and lucky for me i think he got bored and decided not to push the issue.

I think there were other issues in our relationship. he was a nerd, and was happy just staying home to watch sci-fi and everthing else thay usually do. He did not observe holidays, like my birtday, valentines day etc and i let it slide, because he had his problems and i had mine. we didn't have sex so it was kind of a trade off .

I often wondered if he got it somewhere else, but he was not the type.

we are now friends. he has a new girlfriend for whom he does things with that he refused to do with me, and i am happy for him. I cat sit so he has no excuses now, and i think he missed me a little bit and he is trying to do better this time around. maybe to a lot of people it might seem strange.and i was confused by it myself, but norm is according to who you talk to.

[jay williams]

I was in a long term relationship kind of. And i say this because we slept in the same bed for 7 years. sexually intimate maybe the first 2yrs.

I think it is totally cool to sleep in the same bed for years and to not have sex. Having sex is something I never think about. I swear I could sleep with another (naked even) and it would never enter my mind the idea of having sex. Sex seems so unnatural to me. Too weird! Too kinky even! LOL

[relieved]

Hi Jay

where did you pop up from don't remember seeing you before.

your funny.wanna be my pen pal?

[soma55]

I love your tag line: "Where is a woman who would like a relationship without sex?" That's funny because we're all right here on this site wondering the same thing about men! I'm seriously thinking about buying an AVEN t-shirt and walking around town in it just to see if anyone recognizes the logo!

[relieved]

Soma55

I like that idea maybe we should all get t-shirt for our get togethers

have you been to one?

[soma55]

I've never been to an AVEN get-together. I just found this site last month. Up until that point, I thought I was a freak of nature (or at least that's how my ex-husbands made me feel!) It would be pretty amazing to be in a whole room full of people who feel the same way I do about asexuality. I'd probably want to walk around and just hug everyone, I'd be so happy! :lol:

[relieved]

To soma55

Well you can post and ask for avens in your area and find out if thay want to get together.

unless you want to hang out wth us new yorkrs :)

[jay williams]

Hi Jay

where did you pop up from don't remember seeing you before.

your funny.wanna be my pen pal?

Hi everyone:

I have been around for awhile, although I have not posted for some time. Thanks for the compliments. I enjoy humor, causing people to chuckle, and being with people who are funny. Humor is indeed cool. :)

Having said the above, I was trying to be expressive (telling it exactly how it is), but not necessarily comedic when I said that (what did I say? Something like...) intercourse was kinky. For those of us who are not wanting or seeking sex with others, I think we are entitled to be given our own place in the scheme of sexual orientations.

It makes no sense for us asexuals NOT to be regarded as legitimate.

Please allow me to be a bit blunt if not graphic. Take red-blooded, hot-to-trot heterosexuals for example. What do they think about having sex with members of their own sex? Generally speaking, most would say that the idea is repulsive. Surely most heterosexual males would unhesitatingly proclaim it disgusting, as a male, to do what Monica Lewinsky did with Bill Clinton, or with any other male. Even for the heterosexual male who might not find it repugnant, the typical male heterosexual would, at the very least, say he had zero desire to have sex with another male.

Similarly, I assume many heterosexual or "straight" women would likely be repulsed at the idea of having sex with another woman.

Whereas, many-most-all? gay males would welcome the idea of being a "Monica Lewinsky" with some other male.

Similarly, I assume that many gay males and gay females are either repulsed by the idea of having sex with a member of the other gender, or at the least totally lack desire for sexual relations with somebody of the opposite sex.

Actually, I have a question here, if anybody knows. Are most gays repulsed by the idea of sex with the other gender, or are most gays simply devoid of desire to have sex with with the other gender?

So why isn't it normal for there to be at least some non-heterosexual/non-homosexual people? So why isn't it normal for us to be who we are? So why isn't it normal for us to be either repulsed, devoid of desire, or both at the notion of having sex with others? Why does it have to be a desire for sex with one, and repulsion for sex with another? A perversion for one, and natural for the other?

Why can't we asexuals regard all sex as perverted?

[jay williams]

I love your tag line: "Where is a woman who would like a relationship without sex?" That's funny because we're all right here on this site wondering the same thing about men! I'm seriously thinking about buying an AVEN t-shirt and walking around town in it just to see if anyone recognizes the logo!

You go girl, wear that funky t-shirt!

Asexuals are sexy to me! LOL

[moonstar]

Just wanted to add that I agree with Chiaroscuro that A's and S's are deeply incompatible. I too feel that compromise is capitulation and even the idea of having an open relationship for the S to be able to get their sexual needs met just screams lack of integrity.A's and S's should stay friends at most imo.

[Sally]

Indeed, As and Ss are incompatible; even if all other points of compability are present (interests, intellect, age, politics, etc.), the sexuality business is a barrier. The posts I've read from sexuals make plain how difficult it is for them to even understand, let alone make accommodation for, an asexual as a partner. How could they? I spent 10 years of sexual marriage to one man and 33 years as a sexual partner to another man (the former necessitated by pregnancy and the latter by romantic feelings) and it never got any easier. I finally tried to explain to my 33-year romantic partner that he doesn't like asparagus, I don't like sex, and that's just the way it is. He can somewhat understand that, and we are tentatively friends, but he still feels deprived (and I think he also feels somehow deceived). I feel very sad when I read posts from people who are trying to manage a "mixed" marriage. Either one partner or the other feels bad; not a good situation.

[Dreamstar]

Marriage with an A & S can be good, but not easy. We just had our 7th anniversary. We have not had sex now in over 3yrs. I am asexual and have the dearest, sweetest and most loving sexual man for a husband. In the early years I accomodated, but when he finally said I didn't have to do it if I didn't want to...a great weight lifted from my shoulders. I don't think at the time he knew I took his words literally.

It hasn't been an easy road. Accomodating him is out of the question for him anymore. He will not allow me to do something I dislike just to please him. He says it makes him feel selfish. So he takes care of things himself in private when he needs to. We tried the "3rd" person approach, but it caused nothing but regrets, pain and self-destructive thoughts. On a good note, I think it did open his eyes to the fact that sex IS over-rated and that a personal desire can be damaging to many. It also opened his eyes more to the concept of asexuality itself. At times he has even felt like a lesser-person because of this "gutteral" need that he can't get rid of. He has even felt jealous of my ability to find peace within, and of, myself.

But the stages of frustrations, guilt and pain seem never ending. We are at the stage now of me feeling like I should let him go. He fills me up completely, but can he say the same? No. His reply is "almost". So not only does he try to live without loving sex in his life, I must live with not being able to fully satisfy my husband.

Is it fair?

I know it's his choice to live this way, but I love him too much to see him suffer. When I told him I felt like the kindest and most loving thing I could give to him was his freedom...he replied with the following...

"no relationship in anyones life is completly free of frustrations, pain or sadness. I want my point to be, that I love you, I repsect you and I admire and adore you. I am completely "in love" with you. I want to go through my life with you. I cannot imigine life without you. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me in my life dear....as I sad above, no life is free of complications, you are the best person to go through that with...I love you...xoxoxo"

I really apologize for such a long post. Sometimes it does help to talk with others about our situations and I appreciate the opportunity to voice mine as well. I love my husband dearly and he does make a good point in that no relationship is perfect or free of troubles. We will continue our journey together and tackle what ever life throws at us, it just gets very difficult sometimes.

Thanks for listening.

[Mad Larkin]

i'm 33 and was married for 3yrs,we were together for just over 7yrs, the marriage fell apart because of me being asexual(altho at that point i did not realise i was)it just proved to be too much of a strain on the relationship. After the way it ended i'm not sure about relationships, i love the idea of having a loving relationship that was not dependabt on sex as a binding factor but not sure if it is ever going to happen as i now have major trust issues.

I am not going to say never as you can't tell what is going to happen in the future

[Chiaroscuro]

We will continue our journey together and tackle what ever life throws at us, it just gets very difficult sometimes.

As someone in the same position as your husband, your post really tugged at my heartstrings. You're obviously able to empathize with each others' difficulties, and that's a wonderful thing even though it doesn't "solve" the issue. I wish both of you the best.

-Chiaroscuro

[soma55]

If you're in the same position as her husband, I kind of wonder why you're on this site. Are you trying to figure out what "makes us tick" or how on earth a woman doesn't want to 'make love' with her husband? Don't get me wrong, you're certainly welcome here; I'm just curious, that's all. There's no real mystery, though. We just aren't interested in any way, shape or form. Plain & simple. Can't help it; can't change it; always been this way; always will be.