Have any of you been married?

[WendyO]

I am coming up on my 24th wedding anniversay next month. Have posted here several times but have been away for awhile. My husband is Asexual, for the past 10yrs we might of had sex once a year. I do mean just sex, no connection. My husband is definately worth going on with this marriage, I will absolutely not cheat on him. "For better, for worse". We do get along very well as great friends in a mature marriage.

Yes, Im lonely for the connection that happens between two people when you are intimate. However, this is not going to happen for me and I choose to occupy myself with other outside interests.

[myra]

no, I've never been married and don't see that happen in the nearby future.

Although an asexual marriage appeals to me, like two best friends living together... a marriage as a sort of compagnionship and intense friendship I wouldn't turn down...

[Tanwen]

Wendy, Im glad you two found each other, though I have sympathy for you in that the relationship is not an ideal one for you.

I wish you both the very best.

[WendyO]

Thanks Tanwen. I even go to therapy to talk with someone about this. I could never tell anyone that I have not had sex in any form in the past 15 months.

I do miss the touch, the words. My husband is good to me in other ways such as being a great provider etc...at least he would never cheat on me!

[Chiaroscuro]

Thanks Tanwen. I even go to therapy to talk with someone about this. I could never tell anyone that I have not had sex in any form in the past 15 months.

I do miss the touch, the words. My husband is good to me in other ways such as being a great provider etc...at least he would never cheat on me!

Therapy is an amazing gift for me. I can't talk to Sunset about our situation without its devolving into an argument of some sort. It's good to have a third party to work through this with.

-Chiaroscuro

[WendyO]

Therapy is key for me. I also experience a bit of anxiety in my life so therapy is good talk story so I dont have to keep issues in my life bottled up and explode. Im a mild mannered woman but human as well.

I find that since going to therapy the past two yrs. I dont blackmail with words to my asexual husband about our lack of intimatacy. We do connect on a mental level and that is a savior to our 24yr marriage along with our two children.

There are hundreds of good things about my husband so he is worth staying with. The sexual missings are something I THINK I can live with at this point and time in my life. Its been going on so long that I cant miss what I dont know, eh? The connection I do miss.

[baronrae]

I've been married and divorced three times. If you ask my last husband why, he would say "I never felt loved". According to him, he only pushed, hit, shoved because he didn't feel loved. By this he means that I didn't "connect" with him sexually. "I have to have sex with someone to feel close", :roll: I believe was HIS story.

All three marriages ended because of alcohol, laziness and abuse, however, sex was always an issue thru out the marriage.

Well, the worse the relationship got, the less the sex occurred. Not because I was "holding out", because I no longer was willing to bite-the-bullet and have unwanted sex.

I've been alone for 14.5 years out of 23 (married at 20 yrs.) I now accept that I like beening alone. No arguing, screaming, dirty drunk slobs on my couch. I've been alone for 4 yrs on 28 May 2007 and I love it. :lol:

I'm not a man hater, I just prefer to be alone (without sex)

[soma55]

I've been married and divorced THREE TIMES! It all boils down to the same thing: I'm not interested in sex and they were. Period. I live alone now and, yes, I get lonely. Yes, I wish I had someone to go out to dinner with, go to a movie with, go shopping, go on a vacation, go for a freakin' walk, for cryin' out loud. But not if it means I have to have sex with them. Sorry, but's that's just how I feel.

[Lookingman]

Yes indeed there are men who love cuddling without the sexual connection part. At least I know I am one, and have been one for a long time.

[DebInTx]

"I am more that a vagina and breast ..." Thank you!!!

Yes, I agree and do feel this way, too. I just joined today after seeing the founder on Montel. I'm not sure if I meet the definition of asexual, but have become disgusted with it mainly because of men's attitudes about it and women. I personally hope any man using Viagra or Levitra has his stuff rot and fall of for being so greedy about his own "Needs". Why can't they just reach an age where they finally give it up and start to see women as human beings?.

I grew up with a controlling Mother who tried to make me asexual by putting me in plain clothes that hid any sexuality and cutting my hair short. I was so thin that I never developed any breasts (you need fat to do that). Later I rebelled from her and tried to fix myself up to look feminine. I began to date and decided having sex would make me become a woman. I didn't like it, but thought if I used to to please a man he'd marry me and take me away from my misery. Later I gained weight, got implants and ended up with a fabulous figure, so had plenty of dates. But it never worked for me. Flinally an older man did find a way to give me some pleasure, but it wasn't enough to keep me interested in him. He drank and cried out for his ex, so I left.

I kept trying, but have never had a successful relationship and sex is just part of it. The last few years Ihave just given up. But at almost 59 I still would like to have a companion. The thought of dating again makes me sick because I know they all want to have sex, no matter what age. The ones who have problems "doing it" end up with a mental illness over thier damned dicks, and take it out on the woman. :evil: So it's just too risky to date and end up hurt again. For now my affection comes from my pets. :o

[Camella]

Hello! I was in a relationship for 10 years with a man who couldn't understand me at all, I couldn't stand having sex with him and he kept asking to screw my ass. Life was impossible and ended in divorce.

I really didn't think that there were other's out there just like me so I looked for another man and found a wonderful man who loves me, talks to me, shows me other love other then sex and I show him sex love too.

:) Even thouh I know that i'm asexual I don't mind "giving it up" to my hubby. I want him to be happy because he's clearly not asexual.

Thoth the Atlantian says to have LOVE in your heart always just like Jesus Teaches.

[nannynoni]

Oh how blessed I feel to have found this site. I caught it on Montel (a show I never watch). I have spent the majority of my 67 years trying to fit into a lifestyle I really disliked. I must say I miss the closeness and companionship of marriage, But the last 12 years alone have also been joyful to go to bed at night and not be "pawed", insulted, and argued with have been worth it :D At last I am no longer feeling guilty that sex is something that rarely crosses my mind. Thank you all for making me feel "normal".

[Camella]

It is so good to feel normal at least in one way. I like this place also.

[coldav]

Yes, I was married for 11 years and have a 26 year old daughter. I got divorced in '92.

[coldav]

I have a woman I take out on occasion. She is asexual even though we never discuss sex. She is not comfortable talking about it. I am glad I have someone to go out with.

[Rikusephirosu]

I find its sad that many people had to give up their marriages or serious relationships because their partner wanted to have sex with them. I know that many men still think it is a "must" to "consumate the marriage". :cry: Thats one of the reasons for divorces with asexuals and sexuals :(... Its not right to say its the woman's duty to satisfy the husband's desires or the other way around.. Its one of the reasons why I refuse to have a relationship... A companion sure...a good friend sure...but a relationship? If only I could find another asexual such as myself.. :cry:

[soma55]

I find its sad that many people had to give up their marriages or serious relationships because their partner wanted to have sex with them. I know that many men still think it is a "must" to "consumate the marriage". :cry: Thats one of the reasons for divorces with asexuals and sexuals :(... Its not right to say its the woman's duty to satisfy the husband's desires or the other way around.. Its one of the reasons why I refuse to have a relationship... A companion sure...a good friend sure...but a relationship? If only I could find another asexual such as myself.. :cry:

What we need is a "Match_Asexuals.com" type of program that works along the same principals as E-Harmony.com, etc. Anybody out there feel up to the challenge?

[Camella]

I find its sad that many people had to give up their marriages or serious relationships because their partner wanted to have sex with them. I know that many men still think it is a "must" to "consumate the marriage". :cry: Thats one of the reasons for divorces with asexuals and sexuals :(... Its not right to say its the woman's duty to satisfy the husband's desires or the other way around.. Its one of the reasons why I refuse to have a relationship... A companion sure...a good friend sure...but a relationship? If only I could find another asexual such as myself.. :cry:

I'm not sad... my ex-hubby started wanting to do my A$$ and I already couldn't handle the normal stuff with him. He was a jerk! He used to beat me up in front of the children and my daughter screaming, "Don't hurt mommy!"

I'm not sad at all. I'm glad that I found a better husband.

[Rikusephirosu]

Thats very mean of him! *lobs some bad luck at him!* *hugs Camella* I am happy you found a better person.. *gives Camella a hug* May happiness always be with you where ever you go! :cry: And !

[AFLWRCHLD1949]

Have any of you (shall we say) mature AVENS had to give up a marriage or serious relationship just because you didn't want to have sex? What are your opinions on someone needing sex in their life?

If the relationship didn't end, did any of you try an open marriage/relationship. I'm wondering in reality if this actually works.

I have been married three times...all wonderful men, but I just didnt have the need or desire for sex...Loved the affection, cuddling, kissing and just being together doing whatever. affection and cuddling always seemed to give the go ahead to further activities for the men, and I would shut down....

I am dating a man now, will not marry again, and he holds sex and the meaning of love.. it is a shame, because he is again, a wonderful man, and this will end soon for me again.

[/i][/b]

[Rikusephirosu]

:( Thats terrible... *hugs AFLWRCHLD1949* This is probably why so many people are believing in "THE RIGHT ONE" theory..because of men like this.. A man who truly loves his partner would understand and accept that his nether regions arent wanted. Only his heart. And if he doesnt understand this then they do not deserve the love of their asexual partner. The same goes for a female. It pains me that although saying outright that they want sex at some point is wrong.. To be in a relationship with their asexual partner and one day expect it. Its heartbreaking.. Especially when many leave their partner if their partner doesnt want to do it..Betraying one's love all because of sex.. Thats one thing I can never forgive. :cry: :cry:

[Camella]

Have any of you (shall we say) mature AVENS had to give up a marriage or serious relationship just because you didn't want to have sex? What are your opinions on someone needing sex in their life? If the relationship didn't end, did any of you try an open marriage/relationship. I'm wondering in reality if this actually work.

I have been married three times...all wonderful men, but I just didnt have the need or desire for sex...Loved the affection, cuddling, kissing and just being together doing whatever. affection and cuddling always seemed to give the go ahead to further activities for the men, and I would shut down.... I am dating a man now, will not marry again, and he holds sex and the meaning of love.. it is a shame, because he is again, a wonderful man, and this will end soon for me again.

Yeah and when you love on them and then tell them, "I'm asexual or i'm not in the mood." they turn on ya and say this stupid childish phrase, "You dick tease!"

And for me, it's in one ear and out the other because I did not understand him. I see words in pictures in my head. so I see a dick and hair being teased with a comb... the two pictures together made absolutely no sense.

It's like saying "F'U" ... I say "When?" but people want you to be angry at them for sayhing "F'U". Stupid isn't it?

[Chiaroscuro]

How odd that so many people here have had three failed marriages before deciding to go solo. In myths, the number three has magical properties... maybe here too?

I find its sad that many people had to give up their marriages or serious relationships because their partner wanted to have sex with them. I know that many men still think it is a "must" to "consumate the marriage"

I am a sexual guy who doesn't think you have to consummate a marriage in order to be married. If you're both asexual, more power to you. The problem is when one person is A and the other is S. Then you have differing expectations which are ultimately unsolvable without one side or the other capitulating on some level. I'm a nice guy. I don't hit my wife or yell at her in front of the kids. I don't ask her for sex. I sleep in the living room. I'm kind, I pull my weight in the marriage and treat her with respect.

That doesn't alter the fact that we're incompatible on a deep level, and with neither of us able to become something we're not, our marriage is probably going to end. That is terribly sad, yes. But it's not about me being the "bad" sexual man abusing the poor asexual wife. Abuse is its own crime, having nothing to do with the A/S divide. That can exist in full force in marriages where abuse doesn't exist. In marriages where love is otherwise flourishing.

-Chiaroscuro

[Rikusephirosu]

You're a good guy then. :?

[Chiaroscuro]

You're a good guy then. :?

And that confuses you? :?

-Chiaroscuro

[Rikusephirosu]

No Im not confused, my face just mirrored that one so I chose it, sorry for the confusion. :(

[Lookingman]

I am a sexual guy who doesn't think you have to consummate a marriage in order to be married. If you're both asexual, more power to you. The problem is when one person is A and the other is S. Then you have differing expectations which are ultimately unsolvable without one side or the other capitulating on some level. I'm a nice guy. I don't hit my wife or yell at her in front of the kids. I don't ask her for sex. I sleep in the living room. I'm kind, I pull my weight in the marriage and treat her with respect. -Chiaroscuro

I am a little confused, if you don't mind 'splainin'. You say that it is not required to "consummate" (fancy word for having sex) a marriage. That is cool---so far so good. Then you say it is a problem if one is an A and one is a S. I guess you must be saying that a marriage needs to be consummated if one or more parties is a sexual---as somebody has to "capitulate". If you capitulate and don't have sex, then why can't the marriage work? Are you saying that the only way it works is if the asexual capitulates and has sex with her sexual partner?

Why can't the sexual capitulate and not have sex? Why is sex important? I realize that wanting kids is important and sex is the mechanism for that. What if there is no further need to have kids? What is the point of the sex? A couple can't be intimate without trying to have kids/pretending to try to have kids?

What is the big deal all about? Even for sexuals, how many times does one have to do this to satisfy whatever need is satisfied by trying to have kids/pretending to try to have kids?

[Rikusephirosu]

I always wondered the same thing. Why is sex important? It isnt needed to get the female with child. You can have your male partner go to that sperm bank thing and they can just inject his sperm into her and thats that. I guess the act is only for "enjoyment" then, with that said and done. Ever since they created that whole sperm bank scenario sex really isnt needed if you want a child. Therefore, the partner pressuring you and trying to get you to have sex is only for their own enjoyment. Not for a child. Sex is really only supposed to be an act for getting the female with child. Now its only for the sexual partner's enjoyment..

[SadieMae]

I am a newbi here and I so agree with you. I would so love to have someone in my life who can carry on a good conversation, watch a movie together, fix dinner together, go shopping and do just what other couples do minus the SEX. I don't want it or need it. I still like holding hands, hugs even a kiss. Just please no sex. I feel so much better now knowing that there is nothing wrong with me and that there are other people out there just like me. :) would love to hear from you. Sadie Mae

Wicked Wrote:

Sometimes I dream about visiting a convent so I can have some great conversations and never get asked if I'm seeing anybody.

I have had that dream, with the exception it was a monastery, instead of a convent. At one point in my life, had baptists had monasteries, then I would have joined one to live out my life. The idea of a life with great conversation with loving people in a stressfree lifestyle, WITHOUT sex being an issue, sounds like Heaven to me. LOL.

:D

[soma55]

What is the big deal all about? Even for sexuals, how many times does one have to do this to satisfy whatever need is satisfied by trying to have kids/pretending to try to have kids?

I think from watching the founder of this site on Montel and on "The View" that the sexuals of the world are so ingrained with their thought processes and hormones, that sex is a "natural" part of everyday life and to not have it is just the weirdest, most imaginable thing ever. No matter how much he tried to explain it, they just did not have the capacity to understand. This will always be a barrier to a sexual & asexual trying to have a successful relationship without one or the other compromising their true beliefs and feelings to some degree. The sexuals truly believe that to not have sex means there is no intimacy, or that something is missing. They cannot understand how two people can be in love but yet not need to take it to the physical base level.

Like most people on this site, I long for another asexual FRIEND to spend time with who may or may not become something more but I would rather be alone than to EVER, EVER compromise myself again for the sake of trying to have what society deems is a "normal" relationship involving sex.