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Have any of you been married?


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Have any of you (shall we say) mature AVENS had to give up a marriage or serious relationship just because you didn't want to have sex? What are your opinions on someone needing sex in their life?

If the relationship didn't end, did any of you try an open marriage/relationship. I'm wondering in reality if this actually works.

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Yeah, I was, and it ended, but according to the ex it wasn't about sex.

Actually, he never would say exactly what the problem was, but I have some suspicions. Among other things ....

The lawyers that helped him get the settlement for his car wreck (quite substantial, BTW!) also took care of the divorce ... and now they are in total control of ALL of his money as well as his trust fund. (He is mentally disabled, extremely gullible, and they now have his power of attorney.)

For once, an asexual / sexual marriage didn't end due to problems in the bedroom!

-GB

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Yes I was married..

Sex was always a problem and frankly I am glad that side of life is over.

roddy

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I am married and we just had the coming out discussion the other day. For us, compromising won't work, so if he decides that he can't live without sex, then I think I would consider trying an open relationship before getting a divorce. Realistically I don't think it would work for us though. As I've heard on this site before, sexuals tend to form an emotional bond with their sexual partner and that would probably happen with my husband and then that would lead to a divorce. But it may be worth a try.

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At almost 37 I know not everyone here will consider me 'older' - but I am married and we compromise. While I am blissful with just cuddles and companionship, I see how depressed and dispondant my usually affectionate and tender husband becomes after long periods of no-sex and I can't see sex as not a 'need' for him... and after years of painfully failing at trying to make myself in the mood only to do it begrudgingly, I have finally learned to make the decision to have sex and do it lovingly...

He compromises for me in other areas and meets virtually all my other needs, so it works well for us. In other relationships I have seen where the rest of the marriage isn't working very well, I can't imagine trying to compromise... if communication, compassion and kindness are not there, no sex is the least of the problems. (but it will no doubt get blamed first by many people)

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I have finally learned to make the decision to have sex and do it lovingly...

This comes close to describing my process. But it took me a long time to even realize that I'm probably asexual (either that, or I have a libido that barely registers).

I'm 48 and have been in my current relationship for 12+ years. My partner is 42 and definitely sexual (do they eventually wind down? at 60? 70? 80? oh the bliss...). I cannot bear the thought of how lonely he would become with no sex; he is just too dear. But I know he compromises greatly for me, trying to give me as much space as possible. Sex does happen, but infrequently.

We did talk at one time about having a more open relationship. It's still not out of the question, but, for the time being, he can't imagine himself attracted to or wanting sex with anyone else.

It is hard and sad, for both of us, but being apart would be harder and sadder still.

--T

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I recently went out with a 65 year old, he was still expecting/hoping. Didn't hang around long enough to find out if he was still able...he dumped me when I said I was asexual.

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Thanks for your replies. Sounds like this is an issue for a lot of us. Isn't it nice to know we aren't alone? It sounds like compromise works for some, and I'm glad for you. My husband would love compromise, but it's hard to compromise on sex for me. Maybe this will change someday. I envy those of you who have been able to put the issue behind you.

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I have finally learned to make the decision to have sex and do it lovingly...

This comes close to describing my process. But it took me a long time to even realize that I'm probably asexual (either that, or I have a libido that barely registers).

I'm 48 and have been in my current relationship for 12+ years. My partner is 42 and definitely sexual (do they eventually wind down? at 60? 70? 80? oh the bliss...). I cannot bear the thought of how lonely he would become with no sex; he is just too dear. But I know he compromises greatly for me, trying to give me as much space as possible. Sex does happen, but infrequently.

We did talk at one time about having a more open relationship. It's still not out of the question, but, for the time being, he can't imagine himself attracted to or wanting sex with anyone else.

It is hard and sad, for both of us, but being apart would be harder and sadder still.

--T

I have just turned 60 and I am married for 42 years. I wish just for once I could feel what my spouse feels during sex. Our relationship is in extreme trouble and there is so much pain (on both sides). What is so damed good about sex? Why is it so necessary to him? Why can I no longer play the game? I know he loves me and I love him but I just wish sex would just go away. Can't we just love each other? We are both in emotional pain. Me for casuing his pain and him because he thinks I don't love him. God, please what is the matter with me?

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lifelost,

There's nothing the matter with you! There are plenty of 'issues' couples have that they don't see eye to eye on and it doesn't mean there is something wrong with one of them, or either of them. It just means people are different and it's not always easy to compromise.

One of the first things that helped both my husband and I after discovering Aven was realizing that I was asexual and NOT broken - and that it wasn't his fault for not turning me on - it's just the way I'm built... and I can love him without all the sex feelings.

It was so much easier for us to look at each other when I wasn't feeling broken and he wasn't feeling unloved - but it's a process to get there... And it was from that spot that we were able to figure out what worked for us.

You can't make any relationship work if you're basing it on something that isn't true. - ie you have something wrong or you don't love him. That is a lie, and it will contaminate everything you try to build on if you can't get it out of the way!

I wish you all the best... I know it's not easy to come on here and admit how you feel. But you are not alone...

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i was married for 7 years. it did not end because of my asexuality, (i gave in on that issue for years, so i could be in relationships) but i am so much happier now that i am not compromising what i want in that area of my life! i cannot ever see myself in a relationship with a sexual ever again.

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Lifelost, I know how you feel. My husband and I are in the same boat. But, even if our relationship ends, I will still feel it was a success. We've shared so much. It is hard to face being alone, though. I think it's important to not feel you've caused him this pain. You're just mismatched in your desires. You both feel pain, but it's no one's fault.

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I was married in my early twenties (I am 40 now) and it lasted for about 5 years, we split for various reasons. While I recently determined I am asexual I honestly admit that I did enjoy sex with my husband. Lets just say we made it very interesting. It was part of being in the relationship but I could just as well done without it but I know that he could not. Since then I have not had to deal with a relationship that involved sex. I have been keeping people at a distance because of my lack of interest towards sex.

Pam

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I am 37 and my partner is 33 and we are so much in love. The problem is I'm a sexual and I have only just came across this site by accident and I have identified him as an asexual. Its a painful life because I so would love to make love to him and he just rejects me everytime. I don't think he knows what he is. Which brings me to ask the question, how did any of you find out you were an asexual and did you know you felt different from sexuals and was you searching for answers why you came here. The reason I ask is because he seems to think there is no problem. And one more question, I would love to know how long it took for you to realise you were an asexual?

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Thanks for your replies. Sounds like this is an issue for a lot of us. Isn't it nice to know we aren't alone? It sounds like compromise works for some, and I'm glad for you. My husband would love compromise, but it's hard to compromise on sex for me. Maybe this will change someday. I envy those of you who have been able to put the issue behind you.

It would be very hard for me to compromise and have sex, too.

Are there any marriages between a sexual and an asexual that don't involve sex?

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brandy,

I'm 37 in a couple months, and I didn't realize I was asexual until I found this site a year or so ago. I wasn't searching to figure out what was wrong with, me, but most of my life I believed I was just being too chaste or, more aptly: a frigid tease. Which convinced me to do things with boyfriends for their sakes - then I didn't enjoy it and regretted it and then blamed my lack of desire to do it again on guilt...

When I got married, we waited until after teh wedding, but then after a few times, and getting the mechanics right, I wondered why I still didn't ever want to do it, even though I could feel pleasure when I did it.

The following several years of my marriage were a struggle because sometimes I would blame myself for not getting in the mood enough to be able to fulfill my husband's needs and other times I would blame my husband for being too needy and not being sexy enough to be able to turn me on. And on his side, he felt undesirable and thought I didn't love him, despite the rest of our marriage being pretty good. We sort of got into a routine of me doing things begrudgingly because I loved him, but it was still an issue for us because the way we looked at each other was so askew.

I found this site by accident, doing research on something or other, and reading through the main site I was stunned. Until then my understanding of sexuality did not separate romance and sexual attraction and certainly didn't have a category for 'no attraction' in my understanding of orientation. Finally I understood how I could be in love with someone and not sexually attracted to them.

So, when I had the 'asexual' name to put on what was going on it changed everything for me - I wasn't broken, and he wasn't too demanding. We were just different, and through talking it out we now compromise and sex is not an issue like it was tearing us both apart.

The thing was, I was ready to hear and understand about asexuality - many people aren't ready to accept such a new concept, especially if it means redefining who they are. At the same time it's good to see you aren't alone, to find out that in a large sense, you are not like most other people can be devistating.

I still only say I identify with asexuality instead of calling myself an asexual.

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Frigid, yes there are - I think most of the married sexuals who post here have sexless marriages... I can think of a couple off the top of my head (some don't post anymroe for various reasons) Mostly they are looking for support because it's so difficult.

I think the more important question to ask is, are there any sexless marriages where the sexual is happy?

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Several years ago (over 10) my husband became impotent. Tried everything. He finally went through 2 surgeries to have a properly working implant. There I had thought my problems were solved and he goes to this extreme to be able to perform. Was all of this done for me? I don't think so and I certainly hope not. I clearly remember my input to the surgeries was negative. I guess that was when I stopped pretending. How can I get him to realize that for me to compromise and "perform my wifely duties" that he needs to show me he cares more or as much for other parts of my body as he does the ones he wants to use. I have a hand to hold, a sharp mind, I need hugs, I need conversation. I could go on. After 42 years he still doesn't seem to know ME. I refuse to respond positively to crude request for sex. I am more that a vagina and breast and until he realizes that I don't see any improvement in our present relationship. Am I alone here? :?:

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The only reason I can compromise is because my husband is a gentleman who treats me like a queen, pampers me, sees to my needs and is an all around amazing person.

But what you are describing, ew... even if I was a horny sexual deprived and lonely, I wouldn't put up with crude demands for sex or total neglect of the rest of the relationship... :evil: I'm so sorry you're dealing with that. :cry:

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Several years ago (over 10) my husband became impotent. Tried everything. He finally went through 2 surgeries to have a properly working implant. There I had thought my problems were solved and he goes to this extreme to be able to perform. Was all of this done for me? I don't think so and I certainly hope not. I clearly remember my input to the surgeries was negative. I guess that was when I stopped pretending. How can I get him to realize that for me to compromise and "perform my wifely duties" that he needs to show me he cares more or as much for other parts of my body as he does the ones he wants to use. I have a hand to hold, a sharp mind, I need hugs, I need conversation. I could go on. After 42 years he still doesn't seem to know ME. I refuse to respond positively to crude request for sex. I am more that a vagina and breast and until he realizes that I don't see any improvement in our present relationship. Am I alone here? :?:

I don't think you are alone, but I think it's very possible that your husband is unaware of how lonely you are. In all likelihood he thinks that your needs are basically like his (this is, unfortunately, a normal human trait) and that sex is sufficient to fulfill your need for intmacy. He may very well have gone to all of that trouble on your behalf, because that may be the only way that he knows to show his love.

Some men honestly don't know any better. Their emotional needs can be very different from a woman's in some cases, and this is why you will often hear women referred to as "emotionally needy" and "weak" by men who don't understand why women need non-sexual contact and reassurance as well as frequent meaningful communication.

It's that old Mars and Venus thing rearing its ugly head again. :roll:

I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you, hoping the two of you can re-establish some lines of communication..

-GB

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Frigid, yes there are - I think most of the married sexuals who post here have sexless marriages... I can think of a couple off the top of my head (some don't post anymroe for various reasons) Mostly they are looking for support because it's so difficult.

I think the more important question to ask is, are there any sexless marriages where the sexual is happy?

Thank you, Orbit.

And you are quite right---that is the more important question to ask.

Would you happen to know of any sexual in a sexless marriage that is happy?

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Your answer to me was a very wise one. I see the truth in it. You described my husband perfectly. Thank you for responding. I would like to copy and print it for my husband to read but through your wisdom I also saw where I said said things that I know would cause him pain and that truly is not my objective.

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Frigid, Not at this time. :( Doesn't mean they aren't out there though. I'm not sure it's something people would admit readily.

There's a good support site for sexless marriages at:

http://p080.ezboard.com/fsexlessmarriagefrm7

The site is for folks having trouble with sexless marriages, so obviously it's populated by unhappy people. The only way I could see a sexless marriage being classified as "totally satisfying" to both parties was if both parties were asexual (which must happen, I guess), or everyone was clear from the beginning that the marriage was going to be sex-free.

I'm sure that many asex/sex couples come to some accomodation, as with most everything else in a marriage, but sex is a very big sticking point, maybe the biggest outside of abuse. Marriage, as a cultural institution, was created to regulate sex by making monogamy the law of the land (stone the adulterer, etc...). Marriage bars sex outside of itself, so when sex disappears inside the marriage, the sexual member has no morally acceptable way forward except to neuter him/herself.

Just my p.o.v. from deep within sexless-marriage-land.

-Chiaroscuro

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hey brandy,

from the perspective of an asexual, you're husband doesn't think there is anything wrong, because for him, there isn't anything wrong! he does not feel sexual attraction, so not wanting sex is "normal" for him (and all asexuals).

to answer your question, i've known since i was in my teens, i just didn't have a formal name for what i am...with or without a label, i felt the same way. i knew i was in the very small minority, often wondering if i was the ONLY one. that's what is so great about this site! it takes a socially "taboo" topic and gives it a place to breathe. thanks to AVEN, maybe one day being asexual won't be considered 'abnormal'...just another place on the spectrum of sexuality.

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I have never been married but always wanted to be. My friends say I am better off as I am. I do not know for sure if I am or not, but I would definately want an asexual partner.

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Yes, I have been married 3 times and hated it. I hated the expectations for sex weather I wanted to or not but more like it was my duty as a wife.

I felt like it was always for their validation among many other things. I always felt like I was their fix. Always being somebodies sex kitten,,,,wore me out. It seems like such a meaningless act on such a low level of consciousness. : :?

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It seems like such a meaningless act on such a low level of consciousness. : :?

I love that statement! I know what you mean. Sex seems like a duty to me, too. Of course I'm on strike right now, but that feels bad, too. Other than sex, I love being married, though.

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