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Park3764

Asexual but think I’d like to have sex

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Park3764

Hi

 

I’ve never dated anyone and only realised a couple of months ago I’m asexual even though I’m 41(Female).

 

Since I found this site I feel happier that I now know the reason why I’ve never dated.  But the last couple of weeks I’ve been thinking a lot about my feelings on having sex.

 

Although I’m not attracted to anyone I think I’d like to have sex in the future.  The thing is I don’t know how this is going to happen if I’m not attracted to anyone, don’t just want it to be a one off, I’d love to met someone who I could have a connection / relationship with although it won’t be sexual attraction from my side.

 

I would be grateful for any advice anyone may have or if anyone has had any similar experiences it would be good to hear if it worked out.

 

Thanks

 

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MollyDMA

For me, there is a difference between falling in love with someone and feeling sexually attracted to them. There are many people that feel sexual attraction with out the romantic side of it, so why can't it go the other way? Wanting to know if you are asexual or not at such an age is not a bad thing. I am very asexual and I am also sex-adverse but I have had sex in the past, mainly to reaffirm my feeling on sex.

Don't feel pressured to feel sexually attracted to someone when you are in a relationship, or just because that is the norm. It is ok to be in a relationship and not have sex. Most older couples are like that and they have great relationships. 

I really just depends on what you really want to do and try your best to be honest with yourself and a little experimentation is alright. Asexuallity is not black and white, there is a reason why some people are grey-sexual or something similar.

Hope you get your answer soon

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Spotastic

@Park3764 I fall in the gray asexual category, but I tend to thing of myself as "apathetic-sexual". I've been married for 11 years now, and have had a lot of sex in the past with my wife. I enjoy certain aspects of it, but others get too overwhelming for me (I think because I'm also autistic). To me, it's something I can easily go without, or take when it's offered. In my whole marriage, I have almost never initiated things, which caused some problems before we found out about asexuality. It took more than a year, but we eventually found compromises that mostly work for both of us, so things have been good on that front. But it's ok to be asexual and want to have sex, just like it's ok to not. It's a spectrum and people are varied.

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jay williams

There is nothing wrong with wanting to have sex, and there is nothing wrong being asexual. Some people are sex repulsed, and there is nothing wrong with that either. I have had sex with women. I am glad I have, since I never have to wonder about what it would be like. I know I can do without it; and I prefer it that way. 

You do not have to be "sexually attracted" to anyone to have sex. Also, "sex" does not necessitate the act of piv. You can fool around with just erotic touching with another person. 

By the way, I am in my 60s. If you are 41 you are still very young, far as I am concerned. Heck, you are probably young enough to get pregnant! 

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Park3764
1 hour ago, jay williams said:

There is nothing wrong with wanting to have sex, and there is nothing wrong being asexual. Some people are sex repulsed, and there is nothing wrong with that either. I have had sex with women. I am glad I have, since I never have to wonder about what it would be like. I know I can do without it; and I prefer it that way. 

You do not have to be "sexually attracted" to anyone to have sex. Also, "sex" does not necessitate the act of piv. You can fool around with just erotic touching with another person. 

By the way, I am in my 60s. If you are 41 you are still very young, far as I am concerned. Heck, you are probably young enough to get pregnant! 

Thanks for your reply, it’s good to hear other people’s thought’s.  I do like the idea of having sex even if it’s only once, but not so sure about the getting pregnant bit!!!!

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jay williams
21 hours ago, Park3764 said:

Thanks for your reply, it’s good to hear other people’s thought’s.  I do like the idea of having sex even if it’s only once, but not so sure about the getting pregnant bit!!!!

Well, I was not suggesting pregnancy. Just saying you are not old. So why or how have you managed to avoid having sex? How did you just recently discover you are asexual? I have played the dating game, so to speak, virtually all my life. I think I am qualified to give you some tips on where to find a friend. . .with benefits. . .as some call it.

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Park3764
1 hour ago, jay williams said:

Well, I was not suggesting pregnancy. Just saying you are not old. So why or how have you managed to avoid having sex? How did you just recently discover you are asexual? I have played the dating game, so to speak, virtually all my life. I think I am qualified to give you some tips on where to find a friend. . .with benefits. . .as some call it.

It’s ok, I realised that you were not suggesting pregnancy, I just meant it wasn’t something that I wanted.  

 

I discovered I was asexual just before Christmas when a colleague told me she had always assumed I was gay.  This got me thinking and I realised that I’d never been attracted to anyone and I started doing some googling and found this site.

 

As well as the fact I’d never been attracted to anyone I’d never been interested in having sex, but I would at like to try in now, so that I can decide what I want going forward.

 

I would be grateful for any tips you have for finding a “friend with benefits” as I think this would be a good way for me to find out what I want.

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jay williams

@Park3764

You say that you have never been attracted to anyone: it probably matters whether at least some others find you attractive.

If your colleague assumed you were gay, this suggests to me that you don't dress, act or groom yourself in a "girly" way. Nothing wrong with that if true. However, if you come across as not interested in guys, it might result in guys keeping their distance. Of course, nothing wrong with being gay either.

In this site, you will find endless debates and discussions by people who endeavor to declare some categorical pigeon-hole for sex, gender, orientation and desires. I think the best thing is to roll-your-own definition, and go with feelings and fantasies. To borrow from Shakespeare, to thine own self be true.

You are not old, but you are old enough that you should be able to do what you want without worrying about what other people think. 

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jay williams

Everywhere in our culture it seems de riguer that we have to be gay or straight, hetero or homo, femme or butch, etc. This binary commandment of culture is such an unnecessary strait jacket, especially for those of us who can't neatly fit into one suit or the other. I am bisexual, and it took me most of my entire life to come to an appreciation of that; to not be ashamed, to have to hide, conceal or deny it. I fail to understand why a bisexual identification has little or no social acceptance.     

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kiaroskuro

@Park3764 I'm probably the least qualified person to give anyone relationship or dating advice, but I just wanted to say: if you just want to try it out, so to say, without feeling actual sexual attraction, it would presumably be safer for you to date a grey-sexual person - or an ace who is not sex-repulsed - than a sexual who might expect different things from a relationship than you.

But the problem is, we don't really get to decide who we fall in love or have a deep connection with.

 

8 hours ago, jay williams said:

I fail to understand why a bisexual identification has little or no social acceptance.     

Being bi (in a way ...) myself, I think I do understand why people are biphobic. First of all, some folks might find it irritating that we can't seem to make up our mind and 'pick sides', or they might find it frustrating to figure us out if we're not out of the closet. Homosexual (and -romantic) people might despise us because we claim to be queer, yet we can have 'hetero' relationships that are socially accepted. And then there's the jealousy problem. I know I'd be super jealous if my SO was bi, because they could technically fall for anyone they meet.

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Bloc

@Park3764
I am myself curious how some non-penetrative types of sex feel for me. I have partners who are open to trying things out without expecting more. But the lack of sexual attraction makes it difficult for me, when the partner doesn't rake initiative when we are together. My drive ends with making out and feeling their body on mine. It is a strange feeling of wanting to try but at the same time not wanting to initiate. If my partner would take the initiative at this moment I may enjoy it, maybe not. So I need a partner who is willing to stop when I don't enjoy it and switch to cuddling or making out again.

7 hours ago, kiaroskuro said:

And then there's the jealousy problem. I know I'd be super jealous if my SO was bi, because they could technically fall for anyone they meet. 

This is what I don't understand. When you are bi there are not necessarily more people you are attracted to than being gay or straight. I don't know if this has to do with me being polyamorous, but having a partner falling for someone else is not scary to me but that they don't want to be with me anymore.

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kiaroskuro
14 hours ago, Bloc said:

@Park3764

This is what I don't understand. When you are bi there are not necessarily more people you are attracted to than being gay or straight.

Well - in effect, maybe there aren't. But theoretically there is a larger pool of potential romantic partners or 'objects of affection'. 

I guess I mentioned the jealousy thing mainly because of the fact that I'm quite a jealous person in general. That's why polyamory doesn't appeal to me, not even in theory.

(Sorry, OT.)

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jay williams
On 3/28/2019 at 5:22 PM, kiaroskuro said:

@Park3764 I'm probably the least qualified person to give anyone relationship or dating advice, but I just wanted to say: if you just want to try it out, so to say, without feeling actual sexual attraction, it would presumably be safer for you to date a grey-sexual person - or an ace who is not sex-repulsed - than a sexual who might expect different things from a relationship than you.

But the problem is, we don't really get to decide who we fall in love or have a deep connection with.

 

Being bi (in a way ...) myself, I think I do understand why people are biphobic. First of all, some folks might find it irritating that we can't seem to make up our mind and 'pick sides', or they might find it frustrating to figure us out if we're not out of the closet. Homosexual (and -romantic) people might despise us because we claim to be queer, yet we can have 'hetero' relationships that are socially accepted. And then there's the jealousy problem. I know I'd be super jealous if my SO was bi, because they could technically fall for anyone they meet.

Perhaps some or all of your reasons to be biphobic are true for some. To me they are not rational reasons. But then again when it comes to sexual ideas, is any of it rational? I call myself bisexual, because I have a fetish-like interest in the male package, while there is nothing else attractive to me about males at all. I do not view a male body as attractive, and have no physical or romantic interests in males. in any shape or form, with one exception, i.e. the penis which  is really erotically appealing to me. On the other hand, I find women to be very appealing; while at the same time, the idea of piv intercourse is quite off putting to me.

At the same time, I STILL think that most people shun gay and bisexual people because of social conditioning that bi and gay people are bad people. 

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Elizabeth C

I don’t have advice or experiences to share, but I came here searching because I had the same question as you! 

 

I hope this doesn’t get too awkward, but I wanted to share some of my story. I am pretty sure I’m asexual because I’m 31 and I’ve never wanted to have sex (and I never have) and I don’t find anyone sexually attractive. Growing up I thought it was because at the time I thought sex should wait until marriage so I just didn’t consider it, but then I realized that other people have sex even if they believe they shouldn’t, and it made me realize I’ve never even desired it, and the idea of sleeping with another person and touching them as much as would be necessary for sex kind of creeps me out. 

 

Ok so masturbation is a topic I have a lot of questions about, and I thought I knew what it was, and what I thought what it was was just touching your clitoris a little and that feels good. But then, I looked up more online, and I realized you can touch it enough to have an orgasm. I also realized that masturbation can involve putting things (like fingers) actually into your vagina. Anyway, I’ve only had orgasms before in my sleep (like, I wake up and I’m having one). So I just thought that was the only way to have an orgasm besides having sex, and I just had to wait until it happened, once every several months. But today for the first time, I touched my clitoris enough to have an orgasm, and, not really a surprise, I really liked it. But it took a long time to get there! Now I’m wondering, is that what sex feels like? Because now I think that’s something I might enjoy. Could sex be even better than that?? But I still wouldn’t want to be naked or semi-naked with another person, nor can I imagine enjoying the effort it would take to get emotionally close enough to a person to have sex with them. I guess if the only reason I want to have sex is to have that feeling, but not to be close to a person, that probably means I should stick to masturbation. Maybe get a vibrator or something? 

 

I don’t really have a question, and I certainly don’t have an answer for you, but I just wanted to share my story, because I had a bit of a “mind blown” moment today, so I hope you all don’t mind. 

 

Edit: okay so I just realized this is in the “older asexuals” section and I’m not quite in that category I don’t think, so sorry if this is an inappropriate place for me to post. 

Edited by Elizabeth C
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Spotastic

@Elizabeth C For AVEN in general, 30's does count as 'older' even if we're not old (I'm 36). This section if the forums is more about subjects that people who are older would be more likely to talk about than the younger people that inhabit the other sections of the forums.

 

As far as your questions about masturbation, I can't speak from the female perspective. I know that my wife takes a fairly long time to orgasm, but she feels really good afterwards. She's not asexual, and I'm on the gray line (I enjoy it, but have no desire or need for it), and she would prefer that we have penetrative sex more frequently than we do, which is a better feeling for her, and a more intimate connection. Not wanting a relationship like that with someone else would certainly get in the way of that. Vibrators sound like a fair plan (my wife uses one to aid with our sex, as penetrative sex is "too stimulating" for me to the point it becomes uncomfortable).

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AllThisTime
16 hours ago, Elizabeth C said:

Now I’m wondering, is that what sex feels like? Because now I think that’s something I might enjoy. Could sex be even better than that?? But I still wouldn’t want to be naked or semi-naked with another person, nor can I imagine enjoying the effort it would take to get emotionally close enough to a person to have sex with them. I guess if the only reason I want to have sex is to have that feeling, but not to be close to a person, that probably means I should stick to masturbation. Maybe get a vibrator or something? 

@Elizabeth C, hello there. I am going to respond as an older female (65 woohoo) who discovered she was ace recently after many years and many relationships that did not work out.  When I had sex it was as though I was watching someone who looked like me go through the motions.  Clinical.  With no involvement at all.  And this was in committed relationships. So you have to think about the effort you will have to make to be emotionally close enough to trust someone.  Whether you find someone or not, I do think you should invest in a vibrator.  Absolutely!  Don't deny yourself that pleasure and release.   :cake:

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jay williams

The comments here are interesting. More than anything, I think it is invaluable for partners to be able to openly and honestly be forthright with each other regarding all manner of sexual feelings. I once had the good fortune to know a woman who was very candid about her sexual experiences, yearnings, etc. From early in her life, she had resolved that she was going to experience the best that life had to offer in sexual/sensual human pleasure. She was also determined to not allow social, cultural or personal inhibitions to get in the way. In spite of it all, she was never able to achieve any physical pleasure, much less some kind of fulfillment in regular sexual intercourse (piv). She knew of various women who did enjoy piv intercourse, and that caused her to keep trying. She ultimately resolved that the problem was because she was “not built right” for it.

 

Of course, an earnest question in the world of sexual relationships, is what is a person supposed to achieve from a sexual act? The conventional wisdom seems to say that getting an orgasm is the brass ring of sex.

 

Researchers, from Masters and Johnson (M&J) forward, have concluded that piv sex is not the most satisfying sex for most women from the perspective of achieving orgasm. M&J concluded that a vibrator is a woman’s best friend for orgasm. Of course, there are many opinions on this. There are those who claim that a G spot is where it’s at, as opposed to a "C" spot or even a "V" spot. I am utterly unqualified to weigh in on this!

 

For some people including me, getting an orgasm is not the best part of sex. But that is another topic for another day.

 

The point of this long writing is: Beware that piv may prove to be disappointing, in spite of what you try. The best advice is to experiment, and see what works for you and what does not. It is truly important, perhaps essential, to have a partner who is willing to freely communicate---who listens to your thoughts and needs, and who shares his/her own. It is totally legal to freely experiment, and to “hook-up” any way you want, whether impromptu, on a casual basis, on the basis of a “serious” relationship, with a full-on monogamous partner, or with a variety of partners. And yes, vibrators are perfectly legal, and nothing to be ashamed of.

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