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I think I might be Aro but I have a girlfriend.


Silver16

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So let me explain in if my, if not, my best friend confessed during a New Years game of truth or dare that she had a crush on me.  Now for about two weeks we avoided really talking about what this meant for us.  But then we had a sleepover and could talk alone and agreed we would try dating.  So let’s clarify that I did not have a crush on this friend before hand, I care for her deeply as a friend am already very physically affectionate with her and my other close friends, but I had beyond a random thought contemplated dating her.  Now that we’ve been “dating” for a bit I’ve only gotten more confused.  I’m not repulsed by romance or anything and I’m perfectly okay with calling her my girlfriend and letting her call me her girlfriend, but I don’t think we have the same level of feelings for each other.  She admitted that she would like to kiss and move our relationship forward (not sex she knows I’m ace) but is waiting for me since this is my first relationship.  I don’t know how to explain to her without making her upset that while I don’t actively not want to kiss her I’m perfectly fine without kissing and am in no way going to make the first move towards that sort of thing.  All of this just has me really confused on what my romantic orientation is, because I want a long term relationship, but other threads on this website and others make it seem like you can’t be Aro and want a romantic sort of relationship. Sorry this is so long winded I just can’t really explain my feelings in a shorter way, and I really want to figure out my identity. 

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We can shelve the a/romantic debate for the moment, since what you label yourself isn't as important as if you and your SO are happy in the relationship.  Yes, it would be nice to know, but, it matters more that you both know where the boundaries are and are happy with the relationship.  I am not trying to downplay the question, but, IMO it might be a bit cart before the horse.

 

The immediate issue is you don't know how to initiate in an organic/natural way.  Something I have seen that is effective is just telling your girlfriend that you are not opposed to trying things (lay out your boundaries here if you haven't already), but, don't know how to start these things since this is your first relationship, and you also may miss her obvious signals too.  Ask her to teach you what to do and what to watch for.

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^ This.

I would also advise to communicate with her even if she seems like she would likely to be upset. Communication is key!

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andreas1033

If i was you, i would not tell her in absolute terms. You can tell a general idea of how you feel.

 

Being asexual, means you do not feel sexual attraction for others. This does not mean, you cannot have a girlfriend, or have sex, or your partner wants it.

 

Being asexual, means you cannot generate those feelings for yourself, and drive the situation. That does not mean, that your girlfirend, may not be able to generate a repsonse in you, as human interactions are far more complex, then just how you feel and are.

 

Only a small percentage of asexuals, actually stay virgins. Its a spectrum, and unless your in a position, with someone, you do not know, if they can drive the situation, and produce a response in you, that you cannot generate yourself. Ie that drive.

 

Like i said, even if you are asexual, that does not mean, that you will stay a virgin. Yep some do, like i did, but alot of asexuals, do find someone, that they want to give a go with.

 

So for me, i would explain in general terms what you are, but not in absolutes, as you cannot be absolutely sure, she cannot generate something in you.

 

Remember asexual, means you do not generate that sexual drive for others independently. That does not mean, someone, may not stimulate a response in you, just by ways of how human interactions work.

 

Remember probably only a small amount of people whom are asexuals, actually stay a virgin.

 

If you do not want it to lead to sex, then you can tell her in absolute terms, but if you are really unsure, about where it will go, and how you want it to go, you really need to leave it open, and just explain to her in more general terms.

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