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Mollie

1 in 3 women experience pain during intercourse

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Mollie

According to this national study:

https://nationalsexstudy.indiana.edu/index.html

 

Many, many heteroromantic women endure painful intercourse quietly so the man they love won't leave them. In a culture where sex is celebrated, this experience is extremely isolating. As common as painful intercourse is, most women who experience it think they are the only one. 

 

Sexual Health research and articles only make matters worse. If you Google "painful intercourse," you'll find a lot of webMD like articles that say, "the woman is not relaxed enough" or "the woman has vulvodynia," a mysterious, incurable condition.

 

As a heteroromantic asexual woman, I endure painful and undesired sex, all because I fall in love. It's the worst.

 

It really frustrates me that medical science has failed to observe the obvious: some penises are long and/or scratchy. I spent so many years blaming myself--feeling like a freak--that this didn't occur to me either.

 

Women commonly experience pain due to 1) bumping against their cervix or 2) raw, irritated skin right at the entrance of their vagina. Long penis. Scratchy penis.

 

You probably understand long penis, but scratchy penis? When circumcised men, in particular, become erect, skin from their pubic area may pull forward, causing hairy skin to cover base of their penis. When this comes in contact with a woman's vaginal opening, you have what I call "scratchy penis," what medical science calls, "vulvodynia."

 

Women, it's not all your fault! It's no one's fault really.

 

When I figured out that scratchy penises hurt me, I told my boyfriend. He stopped having sex with me. Great, right? No. Remember, I endure painful sex because I don't want my straight boyfriend to lose interest in me. My boyfriend is really sweet. He doesn't want to hurt me. But sexual people need sex. I know this.

 

What if there were some sort of bumper men could wear that shortened their thrust (long penis) and covered their public hair (scratchy penis)? That would help so many women!!

 

Earlier today I visited a sex shop. I asked the guy at the register if something like this exists. It does!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Apparently there are a few products out there, but the one he had at that store is called Ohnut.

https://ohnut.co/

 

It's pricey. Apparently they're all pricey. Like, $70.

 

But to me, throwing $70 at this problem is worth it. I'm in love. I want to badly to enjoy my relationship with this man I'm in love with. I don't want to break up.

 

I wish there were a $20 option in the aisle of every Walgreens. The fact that sex can be painful for women needs to be common knowledge, especially if there's a solution!

 

1 in 3 women suffer. There's hope, though. I hope this post helps.

 

♥️

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anisotrophic

Maybe more appropriate for the asexual relationships section?

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AmaechiJones

Aren't dicks meant to be long ? How else could they transport sperm towards the fallopian tubes ? I understand sex can be painful for women but I think they should discuss it with their doctor.

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anisotrophic

No, human penises are huge compared to other primates. And yes it's super common.

 

I always used other sex positions to avoid hitting my cervix, that product looks interesting. I guess after a decade and a half we intuitively know how to position ourselves, but if I do ever date again...

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Mollie

Penises are different lengths. And so are vaginal canals.

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Mollie
1 hour ago, anisotropic said:

Maybe more appropriate for the asexual relationships section?

Maybe? I wasn't sure. I'm happy to move my post, but I don't know how. Is it possible on a phone?

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Serran

PIV sex for me was painful and often bloody (you know how virgins sometimes bleed? I kept doing that over and over). I had to do mental exercises during to keep my muscles relaxed and also practice body movements to avoid the cervix being jabbed. It was the most mentally and physically draining experience due to how much I had to concentrate just to not be in pain. Even fingers and toys hurt if I didn't focus. First time I bled was to a single finger. 

 

It is cool there is a device for some of it. Though, for me, I think it really was the whole not relaxed enough thing. I have found fingers and toys easier since I actually get aroused and desire sexual actions, but I don't know if PIV would still hurt or not. 

 

Another solution for hairy skin though is the guys I dated shaved their penises. If they kept it up, it didn't chafe. 

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roland.o
13 hours ago, Mollie said:

I'm happy to move my post, but I don't know how. Is it possible on a phone?

You can't. You'll have to ask a moderator to do it for you. Try the "Report post" link.

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anamikanon

A large penis can be fun in some positions, painful in others. One of the reasons I'm not too hung up on PIV sex is also that my ace has a porn star penis. Totally wasted on him. lol. The downside of this is that positions where he doesn't have to do much - mostly women on top variations - are not comfortable for me because of his size. This, ironically puts the onus of most of the action of PIV sex on the asexual in our relationship. We'd probably not even realize he was asexual if women on top were easy for us, given that he's not sex averse. That big a difference it can make.

 

That said the one out of three number is pretty astonishing. But definitely, PIV is overrated.... unless you are a sexual man 😛 

 

Heck, even my ace swears by the physics of it. To use his explanation, the controlled force and speed of a hip thrust can't be replicated by a mouth or hand or toy no matter how much I go to the gym. "It just feels more effective" Using a hand can feel erratic and not steady enough if enough force is used. It can't be sustained long enough and either speed or force or exact feel or all three "are not optimal" and the longer it goes on, the less promising it gets. The skin of the penis is soft and a hand is way rougher than a vagina. A mouth is soft enough, but thrusting is not "optimal". 

 

Trust an asexual to reduce Penis in Vagina sex and climax to a mechanical engineering problem.

 

Now you will also not be able to unsee. You are welcome.

 

Which, oddly may explain one cause of pain - the force of a thrusting penis. If the vagina isn't long enough.... cervix ouch.

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anamikanon
17 hours ago, AmaechiJones said:

Aren't dicks meant to be long ? How else could they transport sperm towards the fallopian tubes ? I understand sex can be painful for women but I think they should discuss it with their doctor.

THAT exactly is the problem. Dicks that think they need to transport sperm to the fallopian tubes, when in reality they can't go beyond the cervix 😛 

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anamikanon

Why move this to asexual relationships section? Most of the sex happening probably gets discussed here anyway. Plus sexuals do a lot more sex overall. Plus the study seems to be about women in general and not only asexual women...

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Serran
12 minutes ago, anamikanon said:

One of the reasons I'm not too hung up on PIV sex is also that my ace has a porn star penis. Totally wasted on him. lol.

:lol: It's funny how the people who want to use it least always end up having large ones women like to talk about wanting...  

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anamikanon
13 minutes ago, Serran said:

:lol: It's funny how the people who want to use it least always end up having large ones women like to talk about wanting...  

I cannot overstate the magnitude of this catastrophe. :lol:

 

I've often jokingly commented that his penis should be bronzed. Maybe I should have it siliconed instead. :lol:

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Nowhere Girl
21 hours ago, Mollie said:

What if there were some sort of bumper men could wear that shortened their thrust (long penis) and covered their public hair (scratchy penis)? That would help so many women!!

 

Earlier today I visited a sex shop. I asked the guy at the register if something like this exists. It does!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Apparently there are a few products out there, but the one he had at that store is called Ohnut.

https://ohnut.co/

 

It's pricey. Apparently they're all pricey. Like, $70.

 

But to me, throwing $70 at this problem is worth it. I'm in love. I want to badly to enjoy my relationship with this man I'm in love with. I don't want to break up.

 

I wish there were a $20 option in the aisle of every Walgreens. The fact that sex can be painful for women needs to be common knowledge, especially if there's a solution!

It sounded a little like an advertisement... But I too think that it's a serious problem, given how (maybe unfortunately, because really, I see very few benefits and lots of downsides of being with a man as a woman) there are more heterosexual women than other orientations. Perhaps some other solutions could help? Such as:

a) shaving pubic hair (I'd guess that for men it would be much less unpleasant than for women - female pubic hair, at least the part directly around the opening, has a protective function, for men it's probably less important because the most sensitive part, the glans, is not covered with hair anyway);

b) creating some DIY protection, such as the most simple solution: a piece of cloth with a hole in the middle, which would at least cover the base and pubic hair. In a more sophisticated version, probably not very complicated if either partner is able to sew, it could have the form of a "cushion" with a hole in the middle (a little like a smaller version of those cushions which are used to place Tibetan singing bowls). This way it wouldn't only protect the penetrated partner from hair scraping their sensitive regions, like in the most simple solution with a piece of cloth, but could also help reduce too much thrusting force.

 

Anyway - I don't remember where it was exactly (but it was linked on this forum, in any case), but I remember reading statistics which showed that, sexually speaking, typical straight sex mostly serves men. Heterosexual men are the most likely to orgasm during sex, heterosexual women the least likely. This is just not fair - and first of all, probably often there is a lot of direct unfairness from the male partner involved, when lots of men care too little about foreplay, complain how only PIV gets the off efficiently - and even without those statistics it's widely known that for most women only PIV is not effective in getting them to orgasm.

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Nowhere Girl
22 minutes ago, Serran said:

:lol: It's funny how the people who want to use it least always end up having large ones women like to talk about wanting...  

I'm not a man, but at least in my case it's no loss that I'm not sexually active. I'm not attractive and probably lack any skills which could potentially make me a "good lover" if I wasn't sex-averse.

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anisotrophic
54 minutes ago, anamikanon said:

Why move this to asexual relationships section? Most of the sex happening probably gets discussed here anyway. Plus sexuals do a lot more sex overall. Plus the study seems to be about women in general and not only asexual women...

Well, I expect sexual AFABs have likely figured out how to avoid pain during sex.

 

And I suspect aces trying to compromise are less sexually experienced and thus more likely to benefit from the knowledge.

 

37 minutes ago, Nowhere Girl said:

typical straight sex mostly serves men

This must be why I'm attracted to men that aren't straight ;)

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MrDane

Some of the pain comes from friction. Lube can remove some friction. If you are with me, and you are in pain and you tell me you are not, then you are lying to me. Don’t fucking lie. Allow me to know important stuff. Share. 

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Serran
2 hours ago, MrDane said:

Some of the pain comes from friction. Lube can remove some friction. If you are with me, and you are in pain and you tell me you are not, then you are lying to me. Don’t fucking lie. Allow me to know important stuff. Share. 

At times. Though, personally, I've never found lube helped with any pain I felt. If I wasn't aroused enough to be "lubed" naturally, then I wasn't aroused enough to be able to fit anything in there comfortably to begin with. I imagine that would become more of an issue with age though. 

 

And the pain was bad enough for me that it caused an involuntary inhalation through my teeth so impossible for people to not know. Like being punched in the stomach. 

 

Though the thing I miss the least about PIV sex isn't even the pain, or the blood, or the constant concentration. It's the fact about 20% of the time, directly after sex and up to a week later, it caused a severe burning sensation every time I went to the bathroom. I would say it was infections, but it came about immediately after, so seems a bit fast for an onset sudden infection. But, felt like one. Made me dehydrate myself just to avoid having to go much. :lol: I certainly didn't have the money to go to the doctor that much to see what was going on. 

 

Actually... this thread is just reminding me how glad I am I never have to do PIV again.

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☆゚°˖* ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ

@Serran when I went through that phase in my life where I had pretty much no libido (lasted roughly 8 years) I also dealt with this issue and it sucked.  I'm sure the fact that it happened increased my apprehension towards sex which of course made the problem even worse.  Nothing dries you out like apprehension and anxiety.  :(

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Chihiro

@Mollie I am not finding any article about this particular topic in the website linked. Can you please share the link to the article?

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Sally
4 hours ago, Serran said:

Though the thing I miss the least about PIV sex isn't even the pain, or the blood, or the constant concentration. It's the fact about 20% of the time, directly after sex and up to a week later, it caused a severe burning sensation every time I went to the bathroom. I would say it was infections, but it came about immediately after, so seems a bit fast for an onset sudden infection. 

 

Vaginal tissue is easily torn, so it can feel burned if it comes in contact with acidic urine.     

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anamikanon

Without communication, my sex life would be dead in the water. As in, not emotional conversation, but proper sex conversation. This works. This doesn't. Ouch. Not that. Okay, I'm bored, YES please, more, slower, whatever.

 

I can't imagine how anyone can have a good sex life without their partner knowing what is perfect, what is good and what is totally d'uh. In addition to the obvious OUCH STOP.

 

And now that this partner is asexual, unless I told him a hell of a lot of things about what works and doesn't for me, we'd be doing some fantasy sex that did nothing for either of us.

 

I have also found that the sex getting better from communication has helped him enjoy it more in the moment. Where earlier he could sort of thrust indefinitely and purposelessly with that large penis, getting me sore, realizing what specific things work for me has also resulted in them working for him, because of my reactions and over time, he's got less.... random about the sex. And well, sex being sex, as long as the machinery is working, climax is a rather predictable result for a man if you are doing it right and regardless of interest in sex, it feels pleasurable as a sensation when it happens. He had no idea what "right" was for him, though he did stop when he felt sore, but my directions also helped the sex work for him. After our initial months, one day he said he no longer feels like he was pushed on a stage without a script. Since then, he's decided that climaxes are pleasant, and as long as he doesn't have more important things on his mind - history, poetry, cuddling, sleep, politics, obscure trivia... he doesn't mind the sex at all. Now that he's "figured it out" and there is no awkwardness, he's even occasionally motivated to be sexual with me like I expect a relationship to be.

 

He reached there before knowing he was asexual. In a sense, we experienced and solved our mismatch early into the relationship without having a word for it. We had a reasonably good sex life even with his disinterest and him hitting his mid-thirties a virgin and indifferent about it. We probably wouldn't have known about his asexuality if he hadn't moved in and frozen in horror at the prospect of frequent sex forever.

 

Without knowing about asexuality, I simply thought of it as me being an experienced and communicative lover. Now that I know of it, I am able to see that in effect, I helped him find his way through "compromising on sex" by helping him discover what worked for him and what didn't as well.

 

This goes beyond pain, a bit. But if we think about it, an asexuals discomfort with sex is also a sort of pain/discomfort. And I think reaching a point where an asexual partner participating in sex doesn't find it unpleasant and can feel good, even if not in the obsessed way we do is a good way to address that discomfort.

 

I'd call it a very high functioning compromise.

 

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Infinita_Nox

I'm finding this informative 👍

I have a friend who mentioned she would have similar issues with her petite size, she absolutely couldn't do certain positions because they increased the penetration which caused her pain. I think that is something that should be voiced (sex is meant to be pleasurable?) so that there is a better understanding for both parties.

That's just my opinion anyway, I don't have any experience, just too many thoughts bouncing around in my head. 🤯

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ryn2
4 hours ago, anamikanon said:

proper sex conversation

One thing you may have - along with the ability to communicate your own needs effectively, obviously - that others don’t is a partner who is willing and able to hear your suggestions in a very neutral, non-emotionally-charged way and then put them into practice.  For some people, suggestions about sex read as criticism of their technique (and thus them as a “real [gender]”) which tends to (result in embarrassment,

lead to outright arguing, sulking, etc., and/or) shut down their ability to listen effectively.  Best case, they seem to hear you and agree but quickly revert to their default actions.

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anamikanon
4 hours ago, ryn2 said:

One thing you may have - along with the ability to communicate your own needs effectively, obviously - that others don’t is a partner who is willing and able to hear your suggestions in a very neutral, non-emotionally-charged way and then put them into practice.  For some people, suggestions about sex read as criticism of their technique (and thus them as a “real [gender]”) which tends to (result in embarrassment,

lead to outright arguing, sulking, etc., and/or) shut down their ability to listen effectively.  Best case, they seem to hear you and agree but quickly revert to their default actions.

Communication is a two way street. And not all communication is the same. If there is blame in the conversation, the other person will feel blamed. If there isn't blame and the other person feels blame, then it is time to make it absolutely clear that there is no blame. If that doesn't happen, obviously there will be projections and introjections.

 

When you say some people read communication as criticism, can you be certain it isn't criticism? I find a lot more people ready to judge than state their reality in day to day conversations. Don't know that big a selection to make comments on sexual conversation, but for eg:

 

Quote

Do more of this please, feels good.

Comes across as a request arising from pleasure already given.

 

Quote

You don't do this often enough.

Comes across as a judgment evaluating the other person's actions against some unstated expectation.

 

I do a lot of the first, and avoid the second kind. So there isn't any real reason for him to feel criticized. Or, in the case of something he doesn't do or like, but I don't know, that would be oral sex for my partner.

 

Quote

Have you considered oral sex?

He replied he wasn't really interested. Didn't find the idea pleasant. End of story. But wait. I'm a persistent sexual.

Quote

Receiving?

He said he didn't know. He'd never received it. The idea didn't really appeal to him. I asked him if he wanted to give it a shot - it wouldn't be his mouth near any genitals, and he didn't have to kiss me after. He was like.... whatever. So we gave it a shot. He was super awkward, but also seemed to like the sensations for a short while. So when he seemed to lose that initial surprised interest, I moved on to other things. We did it a few times on and off and once he stopped feeling embarrassed, he started liking the feeling. We realized that he actually takes it more as affection than sex and while he can get an erection, he will usually not climax like that. It is nice, feels good. That is it. No super sex going on, but feels good. Good enough to sometimes get a very erotic jolt of awareness that I see as sexual, but he swears isn't. Anyway we still do it on occasion without making a big deal of it. While it feels good, then move on.

 

After enjoying oral sex for years, he did offer on his own initiative a few times. Shaved me meticulously first, made sure I was super clean and used some minty cooling wash that sensitized the heck out of me. He probably did it to make sure there was no sex-smell, but... the sexuals here get the idea. His idea of being careful before trying oral sex qualified as full blown kink for me. lol. By the time he was done shaving me and cleaning me up to his satisfaction, I was ready to climb walls from all the attention and touch. lol. The oral sex was nice. Relatively brief. Given how much he seemed twitchy about bodily smells and fluids, I didn't even want to get too hot, just enjoy the moment. He enjoyed it too. I leave it to him, but if I want to hint, I'd be more likely to hint that he give me a shave 😛 It is non-threatening, he really enjoyed it for some reason and at the end of it, I am in an acceptable state for him, if he wants to try the obvious, but he's under no obligation.

 

That said, it takes the restraint of a saint for a sexual...

 

But.... if I'd said

Quote

If you aren't interested in sex, can you at least give me oral sex?

Pretty sure mine would head for the hills.

 

It all depends on how something is said. Anything that seems to lead to a "right answer" can make someone feel cornered if that isn't their answer. Leave enough space to really hear their answer, and it works.

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Telecaster68
2 minutes ago, RocknRoll_Doll said:

There is little reason for women to engage in PIV sex at all.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/all-about-sex/200903/the-most-important-sexual-statistic

 

I believe they do it because they have been told they will like it so much, that they keep trying to get this "awesome experience" they've kept hearing about. However, by the time they're older, most have figured it out and lose interest. Hence "my wife has gone frigid" mythology.

Those poor heterosexuals, such fools, eh?

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Telecaster68

Oh, it's just straight men who are the idiots?

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anamikanon
3 minutes ago, RocknRoll_Doll said:

There is little reason for women to engage in PIV sex at all.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/all-about-sex/200903/the-most-important-sexual-statistic

 

I believe they do it because they have been told they will like it so much, that they keep trying to get this "awesome experience" they've kept hearing about. However, by the time they're older, most have figured it out and lose interest. Hence "my wife has gone frigid" mythology.

I agree somewhat. Though a lot depends on how the PIV happens. The person doing most of the action being skilled enough makes all the difference to a woman, while in my experience, other than my ace, most men will climax sooner or later no matter what. Women won't, unless the action is perfect for their needs. So there also may be a factor that men put in less effort once they take the relationship for granted. None of my lovers dared. I keep them on their toes always, so no personal experience.

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Telecaster68

It's also assuming that the entire point of PIV is orgasm, and it ain't.

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anamikanon
2 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

Oh, it's just straight men who are the idiots?

Non-straight men wouldn't be dealing with vaginas.

 

Or did I miss something here?

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