(TW) Has anyone tried to have sex and found out that they can't?

[everywhere and nowhere]

This thread carries an obvious trigger warning. What I'm asking about is, obviously, an intimate matter. But if someone is willing to share their story, this is a place to tell it.

So, as in the title: has anyone tried to have sex and found themself unable to go through with it? By "unable" I mean mostly psychological reactions, not physical (still, it's yours to decide what kind of stories to share, if any) - such as deciding to give it a try and then discovering that you just feel unable to do it.

If it's any consolation, it feels, in a way, triggering even to myself. Even though I have never been in this kind of situation, I'm quite certain that even if something made me consent to try (which is by itself entirely theoretical since I see no reasons to do it), my reaction would be just like that. So it feels moderately triggering through empathy, through my own sex aversion.

[Lord Jade Cross]

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[Autumn Season]

I never seriously tried to have sex. But in my mind I thought that if Y and Z happened, then I would definitely be in the mood. Y and Z happened and I wasn't in the mood. Like, 0. I was a bit shocked because I had been so sure of it. 

An example: I met somebody who I was physically attracted to and who I enjoyed talking with. We shared a few romantic days. Then we made out on the rooftop beneath the beautiful stars. But it was so boooooring, omg. We tried out various standard things and each time I found that "well, apparently I don't enjoy this activity neither". It was educational, but other than that... And I felt bad to disappoint my partner, who was obviously in the mood to continue. I had to tell them that I was done for the night (and in general).

[everywhere and nowhere]

1 hour ago, Autumn Season said:

I never seriously tried to have sex. But in my mind I thought that if Y and Z happened, then I would definitely be in the mood. Y and Z happened and I wasn't in the mood. Like, 0. I was a bit shocked because I had been so sure of it. 

An example: I met somebody who I was physically attracted to and who I enjoyed talking with. We shared a few romantic days. Then we made out on the rooftop beneath the beautiful stars. But it was so boooooring, omg. We tried out various standard things and each time I found that "well, apparently I don't enjoy this activity neither". It was educational, but other than that... And I felt bad to disappoint my partner, who was obviously in the mood to continue. I had to tell them that I was done for the night (and in general).

Was it perhaps that you didn't realise at that point that you were asexual and discovered it through this experience?

[Schnee.]

So, to me this happened quite recently. I normally have no problem with sex and have had sex before, but I find it pretty hard to care about, which means, I only really bother with someone I care about and try to want make happy. Normally that isn't too much of an issue, but a few weeks ago I met with an old friend and we spent a nice day together. As it became evening, it drifted towards becoming something like a date though. I thought that this was fine and I was quite starved for intimacy (not sex obviously, but just having somebody there can often be nice) and I was willing to go ahead as it became more serious. 

It was a fun time making out and I actually wasn't too bothered, which surprised me a tiny bit to be honest, but when it came to sex, I was just mentally out of it. Physically everything worked fine and the stuff she did didn't feel bad at all, but I just couldn't be interested, which was really frustrating since even though it's weird to explain, I kind off wanted to do it just because I appreciated her so much. 

Luckily, it wasn't a bad experience at all, because she knew I was asexual and she was totally okay with it and we found other stuff where I didn't have to be so directly involved.

 

But I do want to hear if people had a similar experience and how they dealt with it in the long run, since I'm trying to figure out how to approach this in the future. 

 

 

 

[Yamato]

I guess this happened with me last night, there has been one other time a few months ago too. I have a been in a relationship with my sexual boyfriend for about 2 years. He would like to have sex at some point. I'm not so keen but I also know it will make him really happy and I don't like the idea of him finding someone else to have sex with if I can't.

 

So last night I agreed to try, but it didn't get far. I think I only agreed to it as I knew that I was probably going to stop it before we even started (which did happen.) I'm not ready for it and I don't think I ever will be. I feel quite bad about it now though as I feel a little like I lead him on and also because I know how much he wants to do it. 

[FrizzyBee]

Yes I have.

 

There was this guy I really liked and was reallt attracted you. I had sex a few times beforem that was wirh mt first love. Now looking back on it I wanted it more as a way for us together closet together (this was way befoew I realised I was a Grey-A) anyway it was rare occasion where I felt a deep sexual attraction to someone and I was friends with him too which was a bonus. So after spending some time with him I went back to mine and I thought it was what I reallt wanted but I just couldn't do it. It didn't feel right. And I couldn't get into it no mattet what. He sensed this.

 

He was really undetstanding though and to be fair we went on to bave sex later on although the relationship didn't last. I don't think it was down to my lack of sexual intrest though.

[everywhere and nowhere]

5 hours ago, Yamato said:

So last night I agreed to try, but it didn't get far. I think I only agreed to it as I knew that I was probably going to stop it before we even started (which did happen.) I'm not ready for it and I don't think I ever will be. I feel quite bad about it now though as I feel a little like I lead him on and also because I know how much he wants to do it. 

Don't force yourself to do things which make you uncomfortable.

You should have a serious talk about it with your boyfriend. Because the side which gives up will feel bad anyway. If he doesn't get what he wants, he will feel frustrated and he too has a right to feel this way. But if you push yourself to have sex with him, you will be hurting youself.

[andreas1033]

When your male, and asexual, you have to just accept who you are.

 

You cannot prove a negative to others, but you sure can to yourself.

 

When your male, and trying to prove it, its probably different, then being female, and trying to prove a negative to yourself.

[everywhere and nowhere]

Well, I accept my effective asexuality. It could, perhaps, have been different if I had been in relationships. But at this point I know that I wouldn't agree to try sex. I won't force myself to do things which make me so extremely uncomfortable.

[Autumn Season]

On 3/2/2019 at 7:03 PM, Nowhere Girl said:

Was it perhaps that you didn't realise at that point that you were asexual and discovered it through this experience?

Sorry, I had forgotten to answer. Yes, this was one of the main experiences, which made me realize that I'm ace. It took some more time though.

[FrizzyBee]

That is absolutely the right thing to do and anyone who cared about you wouldn't want you to do that. 

17 hours ago, Nowhere Girl said:

Well, I accept my effective asexuality. It could, perhaps, have been different if I had been in relationships. But at this point I know that I wouldn't agree to try sex. I won't force myself to do things which make me so extremely uncomfortable.

 

[lloydy]

Yes, this was how I discovered I was asexual. I totally relate to a lot of what people have been saying. I was with a guy who I felt emotionally connected to and I just thought I would it was what I wanted until we started making out and I felt no pleasure from anything. It was horribly awkward and I felt like I had led him on, which I hadn't but felt like I had, but he was totally understanding about it all. We are still good friends which was a good outcome. 

[Richard_Oz]

Yes I had something like this happen to me a few weeks ago and wouldn't mind sharing. Apologies if I get too detailed.

 

I hooked up with this guy on an app who I thought was very cute and actually ticked all the boxes in my mind. All this happened on the first day - we met, chatted for a bit and then took him to my place. He was really into me. We kissed deeply and embraced passionately, and had some oral fun for a few hours including showering together.

 

But then he goes to me "so now what do you want to do?", I said to him "what do you mean?", he goes to me well we should just go all the way (or something to that affect). At first I just ignored it and we continued making out etc, but then he requested anal sex and then a few minutes after that he literally begged me to screw him right there and then.

 

I instantly felt confronted by those comments to the point where I quickly lost all my arousal. It is as if I was doing completely fine when there was no structure or formal expectations but then it quickly evaporated when he laid it all out.

 

I feel it was some sort of bodily response from me because I really wanted (and still regret not being able to) go all the way with him. My mind was all in favour but my body got apprehensive. I really hate that something prevented me from acting on my desires - not exactly sure what that something was, which is why I hate being on the asexuality spectrum to any degree.

 

I think with me its the sexual quest thrill of getting my partner aroused that gets me going. When I work up the intimacy to the point where I believe that my partner desires me more than I desire them, my sexual interest/arousal starts to dissipate and recede. 

 

And get this - the guy blocked me on the app the next day.

 

 

 

[Opensecret]

Yes.  While I’m repulsed by all things sex and prefer not to engage in it. There have been the times where I thought if I just tried it I’d like it(not

true) or done it to make the other person happy. first off bc of the fact I’m not turned on atall There’s a lack of natural lubrication. When the guy would try to get it in it absolutely wouldn’t work. Even if there is natural and artificial lube present it’s seriously like my vagina tightens up and literally pushes him out. It’s a very painful experience as well emotionally and mentally draining one. The times it has worked I space out and feel void and just wish it was over. I’m so fed up with guys not accepting my no sex and I don’t want to be touched rule. I’ve found trying to go along with something to please a partner only makes things worse for me and the relationship bc boundaries are clearly violated. 

[florentina]

It's been cool reading these. Today I started reading "Dear Sister" and was struck that I found myself talking back to the text in my head. One of the letters said "it's not your fault." But of course, for me, yes, it was. I affirmatively consented with this guy over and over because I wanted to make him happy. And I thought I was supposed to want to do this, that it must be natural to feel this scared the first time. (Our genitals didn't even touch each other, only hands. Didn't get very far.) So today, reading that, a whole wave of emotions came back up (I broke up with him in november)--"wait, was I assaulted?" "I didn't want to do that, but I said yes..." I'm so confused. But I think what this is is mostly regret.

Someone said this in another thread: "You did a sweet and loving thing for someone. The only reason to think about it now is to decide whether or not you would want to do the same thing in the future; there's no right or wrong answer." I'm trying to take comfort in that.

[MLJ]

In college, I was going out with this guy and he really wanted us to have sex. He thought if I had some alcohol, I'd be more receptive. I tried a couple glasses of wine - and I wasn't a drinker back then, so it made me pretty tipsy. But I can remember thinking very clearly that there was no amount of alcohol that could make me go through with having sex with him. (I didn't, and the relationship didn't last very long.)

 

I did end up getting married, and I think one of the reasons I ended up with my ex is that sex wasn't intensely awkward with him. Sex was always problematic, but I could go through with it.

 

And at this point, it's been so long since I've had sex, I don't know how I'd react if I was put in that situation again. I'm guessing it is something that would still make me feel intensely awkward. The one difference is that drinking a lot does make it a little easier to manage to go through with having to have sex. (Yeah, totally unhealthy, I know. Which is why I have no plans to ever have sex again.)