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anamikanon

Asexuality, polyamory, sexual freedom. A ramble.

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anamikanon

I was reflecting on our relationship and the role polyamory plays in it. As the sexual in the relationship, his asexuality had been brutal.

 

We often talk about opening up the marriage as one of the possibilities on this forum. We have some evidence that this goes well for some. What I found interesting that at least for me, the simple possibility of polyamory itself is a relief. There is no second partner. There never has been. While I believe in polyamory, being asocial and also having interests that occupy a lot of my time has left little time or interest in finding someone (I hadn't searched for this one either). When my husband and I came together, we had explicitly agreed to monogamy not being a part of the commitment. Not in the sense of actively seeking partners - neither of us were planning to, but more in the sense of our lives and hearts belonging to us to share as we felt compelled to and recognizing that it was possible to love more than one person and that there would always be space for dialogue in the event we loved another too. 

 

However, when things got bad on the sexual frustration front, I am aware of an interesting thing happening. We immediately became more aware of polyamory as a possibility. I'd check out messages on dating sites and continue conversations or start new ones based on profiles I found interesting. My husband has been very supportive and accepting. None of those relationships panned out. I went on a few coffee dates which were literally sharing a coffee at a local shop and talking. I am in conversation with another man on WhatsApp, which is looking good, but going so slow as to not know if it will ever get sexual at this point. Things got a bit hot and I got totally fascinated by desire when a friend I don't even like much reacted with immediate and intense arousal to a caring action. It went nowhere - I wasn't even attracted to him - but left me intoxicated with the power of eliciting an instant sexual response.

 

So polyamory is certainly not fulfilling my sexual needs. But the possibility is.

 

The very fact that I can still choose to date or engage in sexual actions or love someone has meant all the difference between me seeing my relationship with my ace as a trap that ends my sexual life and a world still full of possibility for me to choose from. In terms of getting actual sex, nothing has happened so far. Though we both hope it eventually does. In terms of his asexuality not being the end of my sex life, everything has happened. My sexual freeom remains FREE, so to say.

 

My husband has readily offered to take on my responsibilities in the household if I want to be with someone. For example, my son. So if I got interested in someone, being with them would actually be easier because he is in my life and I don't have to worry about who cares for my son when I am with my other partner.

 

Everything but the other partner has happened, been accepted and planned for. And the other partner too eventually will, when I find someone my picky mind wants. In the meanwhile, the guarantee of my sexual freedom if I choose to exercise it has saved our relationship from what would otherwise be a near certain death or the death of my individuality in it.

 

When we found out about his asexuality, one of my biggest anxieties was "I'm not asexual. What happens to me now that he's found he doesn't want sex at all?" I saw it as the end of my sexual future, which, being a sexual, triggered instant panic. I was not ready to hang up the condoms, so to say and I felt this claustrophobic sense that I wouldn't be asked and they'd be out of my life anyway. This was before we started actively exploring polyamory to make sure it didn't happen.

 

Till then, non-monogamy had not been considered in the sense of actively seeking partners - we have been crystal clear from the start that we are committed to creating a home with each other for life. More like if we happened to develop a relationship as a part of people we find important in life, we would find a way to accept it as a part of accepting each other and it would not trigger an either/or situation. Now we have accepted my desire to have an active sex life as a part of accepting me - something that had never been on the plans. We had never discussed actively seeking other partners while being involved with each other and casual sex outside the home had never been on the radar, given that we both placed considerable weight on being actively involved in the home space and each other as much as possible and creating a loving home and enjoying it to our fullest was and remains top priority. Casual sex as a possibility was actually introduced by my husband, who has seen my struggles with finding someone I really wanted to get involved with. He suggested that I hire the services of a professional to just get some fun and reassuring sex and see if I enjoyed that, instead of forcing myself to consider relationships I didn't feel ready for. I haven't done it yet, but I could! One more possibility!

 

I find that this anxiety being off the table makes the rest of it much easier to deal with. Regardless of whether the second partner has actually happened at this point. The perspective is that sex with him is off the table, not sex for me. 

 

Nothing may have happened, but anything being still possible has made all the difference.

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ryn2
7 hours ago, anamikanon said:

the sense of our lives and hearts belonging to us to share as we felt compelled to and recognizing that it was possible to love more than one person

This is both the thing I love/respect most about the concept of polyamory and the thing that makes me 100% I’m personally not capable of it.

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anisotrophic

It was very confusing to experience being in love with another person!

And agreed that just having the possibility -- not taking it, just knowing it's there -- has been a huge positive for me as well.

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Rava

You might want to check out my post from two days ago titled: Household is me, my husband and his "other" significant other. Sounds like we have a similar situation to yours, although I encouraged him to seek out partners on Ashley Madison, which includes people who are single--or whose partners are asexual or who are simply open to polyamorous relationships. (My first, erroneous impression of the site was that it was just where people went if they wanted affairs behind a spouse's back.)

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anamikanon
6 hours ago, Rava said:

You might want to check out my post from two days ago titled: Household is me, my husband and his "other" significant other. Sounds like we have a similar situation to yours, although I encouraged him to seek out partners on Ashley Madison, which includes people who are single--or whose partners are asexual or who are simply open to polyamorous relationships. (My first, erroneous impression of the site was that it was just where people went if they wanted affairs behind a spouse's back.)

Fascinating thread there @Rava

 

It is the first time I've heard from the asexual's perspective when such things work. I shared it with my husband as well, and he can resonate with the feeling. He's perhaps been more eager than I am* that I find someone I genuinely vibe with, including sexually. And at the same time, when we tried to imagine the situation with the two of us, we could relate with the "loss of exclusivity" as well - neither of us can currently imagine not sleeping in each other's arms and all tangled up when we are home, and I can't imagine what it would do to him to know I was sleeping with someone else while he was alone. We even separated bedrooms for a while when the mismatch got stressful, only to realize not sleeping together was no fun. lol

 

And yet we can see how with enough love, it would not just be possible, but joyous. It is a possible vision of a future and makes me feel a lot more optimistic about my dating efforts.

 

Thank you for sharing.

 

*More social than I am, not in the sense of pushing me into something I don't want, but he's naturally very social and I am... NOT. So when it comes to things like dates, unless I really like the person, I'm not even interested in casually meeting and he's like "How are you ever going to find someone if you don't even meet them first?" In the sense, he understands I'd like to already have had a good lover and also understands that I'm not really good at the process of getting there, so is very involved in discussing how things are going in the sense of being supportive, not pushy or intrusive.

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