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anamikanon

Update after a long gap.

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anamikanon

Been a while since I was here. Mostly because there is no turmoil in my mind around sexual incompatibility these days.

 

Thought to share, since things seem to be going well...

 

The turning point was when I asked him to move to his own bed by default and we could communicate to sleep together when he was willing to have sex or I did not want it.

 

Went excellent for a while. After the initial few days, we mostly slept together, though he still goes to his room to sleep on occasion. But the reasons have changed. He now usually goes only when he needs the space or if I'm working all night and he'd prefer to not be disturbed by my constant movements, etc.

 

On my part, the few weeks when we did decide based on sex gave me the space to see our relationship more clearly. I had stopped feeling sexually attracted to him for the most part, but still felt that I needed my sexual space (which is why I moved him out). I had not been comfortable sleeping with someone I wasn't in a sexual relationship with.

 

Over time, this has dissolved and our preference to be with each other has won out. I no longer mind. I am not attracted to him either, and while I've been chatting with another man I like, there is nothing sexual about that either so far. What would have been the end of the world this time last year is merely current status now.

 

Ironically, he remains in his habit of preferring sex over masturbation if we are together on the rare occasions he feels aroused. He says that he likes that closeness with me and he remembers how much that closeness meant to me and likes sharing that space, even though I no longer need sex as a part of our relationship. So now we are in an odd situation where he will initiate sex once a month or two because he wants it. One of those things we do together as a couple. It is intimacy, a lot of laughter, emotional closeness. Sometimes it starts and derails into some conversation and no sex happens or it doesn't "conclude" with anyone climaxing. Sometimes one or both of us can have an intense orgasm or more. Whatever happens in that shared space without expectations. A sort of emotional version of sex using our bodies. A complete non-issue.

 

Where I once saw sexual and asexual as incompatible things, what sex is itself has changed for both of us, into something that holds meaning and works for both of us. Interesting how we can go around problems when solutions are important enough. Sex is there and it is not there, and it is all ok.

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Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)
31 minutes ago, anamikanon said:

he remains in his habit of preferring sex over masturbation if we are together on the rare occasions he feels aroused. 

 

32 minutes ago, anamikanon said:

He says that he likes that closeness with me and he remembers how much that closeness meant to me and likes sharing that space, even though I no longer need sex as a part of our relationship. So now we are in an odd situation where he will initiate sex once a month or two because he wants it. One of those things we do together as a couple. It is intimacy, a lot of laughter, emotional closeness.

I'm still not big on the whole 'my asexual husband initiates sex with me when he wants it' thing. It's great that you're happy, but he still sounds like a very low libido sexual person to me, one who doesn't value sex outside of the physical pleasure and the intimacy it brings him (oh wait, that IS why most people enjoy sex). Especially the whole 'preferring sex over masturbation when we're together and he's horny'  thing - That's not an asexual thing at all. That's about as average sexual as you get it's just that for him, it's very rare due to his very low libido.

 

Your posts sometimes come across like you're saying it's possible to be happy in a mixed relationship as long as your partner isn't actually asexual and just doesn't want sex that often, which is an entirely different kettle of fish from actually being with an asexual and means your relationship isn't 'mixed' at all. Your libidos are 'mixed' because they're very different and the importance you both place on sex is pretty different most of the time, but that's not what mixed relationship means. Just saying.

 

'Only sometimes wanting sex for pleasure and intimacy' isn't asexual at all, and no I'm not invalidating anyone's identity because the husband himself is not here IDing as ace. /Shrug.

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anamikanon
4 minutes ago, Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?) said:

 

I'm still not big on the whole 'my asexual husband initiates sex with me when he wants it' thing. It's great that you're happy, but he still sounds like a very low libido sexual person to me, one who doesn't value sex outside of the physical pleasure and the intimacy it brings him (oh wait, that IS why most people enjoy sex). Especially the whole 'preferring sex over masturbation when we're together and he's horny'  thing - That's not an asexual thing at all. That's about as average sexual as you get it's just that for him, it's very rare due to his very low libido....I'm not invalidating anyone's identity because the husband himself is not here IDing as ace. /Shrug.

He IDs as ace. I was not aware that IDing as ace required declaring on this forum for it to be real. I don't care what label is used. Low libido is fine. The frustration I went through remains real, and me being fine if we never had sex now remains real too.

 

4 minutes ago, Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?) said:

Your posts sometimes come across like you're saying it's possible to be happy in a mixed relationship as long as your partner isn't actually asexual and just doesn't want sex that often, which is an entirely different kettle of fish from actually being with an asexual and means your relationship isn't 'mixed' at all. Your libidos are 'mixed' because they're very different and the importance you both place on sex is pretty different most of the time, but that's not what mixed relationship means. Just saying.

 

'Only sometimes wanting sex for pleasure and intimacy' isn't asexual at all, and no I'm not invalidating anyone's identity because the husband himself is not here IDing as ace. /Shrug.

You clearly know my husband better than me or he himself and have decided long ago that he has very low libido and thus is not asexual. No amount of "no sexual pleasure from sex" or "would not want sex at all if not for me" or "doesn't want to be able to have sex more often" registers. 

 

What you miss is that a sexual mismatch is still distressing and even if he were low libido with zero interest in fixing. To a sexual, repeated refusals and disinterest are distressing regardless of whether the person is asexual or low libido. Equally, when a sexual stops being obsessed with sex and is fine to not have it because they enjoy the relationship more, the shift is very real, regardless of whether the sex stops because the partner is asexual or low libido.

 

I think you are so fixated on applying the correct labels here that you have been missing the story altogether.

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Telecaster68

I'm not particularly bothered by the labels either, but I think there is a key difference between asexuality and low libidoed sexual, and it's probably more important for the sexual partner than the asexual/lower libidoed one.

 

A low libidoed sexual will, occasionally, sexually desire their partner, and that partner will get to feel sexually desired occasionally. That's an important difference to having an asexual partner, who will never under any circumstance desire you. The sexuals on AVEN know this difference is palpable and important.

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anamikanon

@Pan Ficto. (on hiatus?)I find you being extremely prejudiced in your need to overrule the self-identification of someone you have never interacted with. As for denying people their self identification as long as they haven't declared it on this forum? It is a load of bullshit. Almost every sexual here doesn't have their ace on this forum. You might as well shut down that side of the forums altogether unless they bring their aces here to declare they are aces to your satisfaction.

 

For that matter, your allegedly hypersexual ex hasn't come and said that on this forum either. All we have are your words to go by. Given how unreasonably judgmental you've been over other people's sexuality, it is entirely possible that he was an ordinary person and your reluctance makes you think he wanted too much sex? How does it matter? He wanted more sex than you were willing to give and THAT is the crux of the issue. I don't need your ex to come and qualify as a hypersexual to believe it. If that was the impact he had on you and the relationship, it is real.

 

Similarly, if my ace doesn't want sex and identifies as an asexual, and that impacts our relationship, that is REAL. I really don't see what is achieved by unnecessarily defining him as something he denies being. Repeatedly, regardless of how many times well reasoned observations are shared in support of his claim.

 

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anamikanon
6 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

A low libidoed sexual will, occasionally, sexually desire their partner, and that partner will get to feel sexually desired occasionally. That's an important difference to having an asexual partner, who will never under any circumstance desire you. The sexuals on AVEN know this difference is palpable and important.

This one doesn't desire me sexually, my friend. At all. Or anyone. He is capable of sex and on occasion likes to have it for me. That is it. If I weren't in the picture, there is no sex in the picture at all. He wants sex, yes, but it is because he wants to offer me an intimate experience or be close to me and has figured out this is one way to do it. He doesn't like sex. He doesn't even care about sex enough to hate it. He's plain indifferent.

 

The sex we have now isn't sex as a sexual understands it. More like an extension of cuddling. You can cuddle someone, and at any point get up and go to the kitchen for a snack. No point you must reach before you disengage. Sex like that. No goal. I can't think of any sexual - even a low libido one that could simply drop sex at any point after initiating it because they wanted it.

 

I suppose he desires me in his own way. It just isn't sexual. He desires me as a person he wants to be very close to and wants in his life, etc.

 

I've done a truckload of sex. And loved it. Trust me, I know when I am sexually desired. I am loved, yes. He doesn't want the sex. He wants me and sees sex as one of the ways to get very close.

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Telecaster68

I wasn't implying anything one way or another in your case, just pointing out that unless libido is so low it never manifests in any way ever, it's different to asexuality.

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anamikanon

ok

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anamikanon

Partner read this thread. His comment "Why are you bothering? Call me grey ace and be done with it and move on. Confusing area. Ok fine. How does it matter what label is applied? Stop worrying so much about forums."

 

So anyway, hope that solves a lot of critical issues somewhere. My partner is grey-ace. Thus solved.

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anamikanon

Interestingly, he adds that he's been wondering if he may be grey. He still doesn't want sex, but does enjoy it with me when he gets started. And even if he doesn't want sex, the idea of us never having sex bothers him. Mostly because I am sexual and he wants to "fully" be my partner, but he's been wondering if there's more to that. He is also disturbed by the idea of asexuals who never want to have sex with sexual partners. "I knew you were a very sexual person when I moved in with you. Something in me must have wanted that for me, even though I don't feel it. While I never was into sex, I liked our sex life before I realized I was asexual and you started being careful. I don't want sex, so why am I bothered that you've stopped wanting it?" etc

 

So we will likely have an interesting conversation now. I'm good however it goes. We have being together nailed so far. We'll figure it out if new turns come.

 

Edit: I'm also wondering if at this late date he's getting hooked to mainstream ideas like sex being required for a relationship whether he wants it or not.

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anisotrophic

In a mismatched couple that is compromising, I think it may be hard to discern subtleties in the not-sex partner. What is innate attraction? what is physical arousal? what is secondary "want" based on a partner's happiness?

 

In our relationship, I'm still attracted to him. In the rare cases where he "initiates", I've already been sending a lot of signals. (Despite my efforts to tone it down.) It's been impossible to discern -- if I dialed it very, very far back, would he manifest desire? If I lost my attraction, would my partner become like @anamikanon's partner? How many self-identified aces would become "sexual" within a relationship where their partner's own flame is so very muted?

My partner self-identifies as asexual, and maybe worth noting that it's an update on his previous bisexuality -- a "go with the flow" guy that had a lack of preference due to an absence of desire. He has rejected "gray asexual", I think because it's adding unnecessary complexity, he wants to set expectations (possibly primarily for me).

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anisotrophic

(and my partner says many of the same things -- he'd be worried if we didn't have sex, can find it enjoyable once it's started, etc.)

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Telecaster68
12 minutes ago, anisotropic said:

How many self-identified aces would become "sexual" within a relationship where their partner's own flame is so very muted?

Not that many if you take into account the number of sexual partners who back off completely to give their asexual partners space and the result is absolutely no sex.

 

I think as sexual partners of asexuals, we forget the difference between sex-from-lust and sex-from-love and possibly get oversensitive and read far too much into micro signals that we may be imagining. Maybe it's for our self protection.

 

I split up from my wife last year and in a couple of subsequent encounters with actual sexual women the difference is almost shockingly unambiguous. There's no mistaking the two things if you have a clear recollection of them both.

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anamikanon
2 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

I split up from my wife last year and in a couple of subsequent encounters with actual sexual women the difference is almost shockingly unambiguous. There's no mistaking the two things if you have a clear recollection of them both.

ha ha. I know what you mean. Last year I was obsessed with lust for this friend I didn't even like much too close. This guy is at his most attractive six feet away. The instant sexual response he had to an innocent action (maybe innocent only to an asexual or partner of one, in hindsight) had me fascinated even when I had no interest in sex with him. The sheer effortlessness of it was stunning after being in a relationship with an asexual. In the end I was cured by trying to see where it went and regretting it within the first few seconds. lol

 

But it was good fun while it lasted. I've never been so aroused by the idea of arousal in my life. Even when I was not at all attracted to the person.

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