I need help, please.

[Mikami]

Hi everyone, I'm new here- Sorry if this is in the wrong topic section, just wasn't quite sure where to put it.

I've always thought I was Bisexual, then I thought I was Pansexual. I think I am now Panromantic and Grey Asexual, or Demisexual. I  know the difference between them, however, I apply for both and I'm so confused? I can think someone is hot but I don't want to sleep with them. I have quite a low drive and kinda feel off when people talk about sex.

 

"do not normally experience sexual attraction, but do experience it sometimes

experience sexual attraction, but a low sex drive

experience sexual attraction and drive, but not strong enough to want to act on them

people who can enjoy and desire sex, but only under very limited and specific circumstances"

(from http://wiki.asexuality.org/Gray-A/Grey-A_ )

Though I really only feel sexual attraction towards people I am close to? Not in all cases, but most- :(

Thanks if you help out. It has been really bothering me.

[dino_damage]

First, welcome to AVEN! It's customary on this site that new members get cake. Here's some pound cake.

Second, based on what you've said, I would say you're demisexual, since you admit that you only have sexual attraction to people who you're close to. Plus, if you say that you think someone is hot, but you don't want to sleep with them, then you may have a more aesthetic attraction to them than a sexual attraction to them. Just saying.

 

However, I must say that the only person who can really know who you are for certain is yourself. Don't panic. That's a good thing. If you find that your sexuality or your romantic orientation feels like a big blob of 'bleh', then that's okay. You're discovering more about yourself and discerning what you like and what you don't like, which is important. Take all the time that you want in trying to understand yourself. Research. Reflect. Try the label out for a bit. If you find that it fits you, great. If it doesn't fit, you must acquit try another.  One day, you'll end up knowing who you are without even realizing it.

[Sexual Ally]

I think the answer of whether demi or grey will out itself over time...  I know it must be frustrating, and you've already gone thru and dismissed labels you realized didn't fit (that's called growth), so I understand the impatience of wanting to figure this out once and for all.  But the great thing is, you've already come so far in your journey, a journey many are afraid to even start   Appreciate the work you've already done.  Not being able to ultimately define yourself this instant doesn't mean you've failed.  You've learned so much about yourself already.  And it makes sense (and shows maturity and discernment), that you should take a breath to ask questions rather than force-feed labels on yrself at this juncture.

 

You've done the research, you know demi and grey are 2 distinct things each with their own shadings.  But what they have in common is the threshold compelling either to both feel and act on sexual attraction is quite high.  Many things will have to align 1st, and it's for this reason you're in a quandary.  Since your threshold feeling/acting on sexual attraction is high no matter which, it's naturally going to.... well, take some time for things to align until you're in a position to both safely act on your sexual attraction, while in the process you'll be discovering exactly what it is that triggers you to this point. 

 

After acting on the sexual attraction process once or twice (or whatever, there's no algorithm), it should become more clear due to emotional and other components if it's coming from a place of  being grey or demi.  But again, due to the nature of both, this will come about over time, and can't (and shouldn't) be rushed. 

 

If you spend some time on this forum you'll find some who have been searching for the answer to this particular quandary for some time.  But really, in a way this is almost better than being certain about ones sexuality and rushing into things one may not be ready for because of sexual orientation "certainty" alone. There are positives to your situation.

 

I know this probably isn't what you want to hear.  But the truth is, you're doing everything right!   You're making informed, honest decisions, and are open to different ideas based on truth.  You're not afraid to try on and discard labels when you find they don't work.  You've narrowed things down pretty well at this point, as well as any smart, informed, open-minded person could.  What you can't rush are your feelings.  It's time to (easier said than done) relax, breath, observe, live your life, and let things reveal themselves.   And they will.