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Extremely Confused


AnonymouslyScared

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Anonymous123456
10 hours ago, AnonymouslyScared said:

I need advice on this very badly because I've been having an identity crisis for a few months now and it's gotten to a point that it is hindering my day-to-day life. Romantic orientation is something I have had a long and trying journey with and I need it to end. I need an answer and I need to know exactly what to do. I just want to know who I am.

 

I dated a girl for about a little over a year back in 2016 and it ended very badly. I am asexual and she is not and that wasn't healthy, but moreover, I don't believe I really loved her. I never wanted to kiss her or go on dates and it just wasn't my thing. After I broke up with her, I felt free but also defeated. I made a split-second decision that I was going to be aromantic. I know you don't chose your orientation but I made sense at the moment and I didn't want to be associated with the toxic culture of dating and romance and expectations.

 

Now it's 2019 and I've moved on and I'm happy. I found that being in QPRs (queer platonic relationship) feels safe. It isn't like what I had with my ex and it has no expectations. So I've been in a QPR for around four months now. We entered this relationship making it clear that we don't want to kiss each other or go on dates or do anything romantic.

 

But as we have gotten closer and more comfortable with each other, I think that I might be developing romantic feelings for her? Or at least be comfortable doing more romantic-coded things with her. And it's terrifying me and I don't know what to do. It's possible my desire for kisses or dates or stuff like that could be purely amatonormativity and societal expectations of me? I just know that if I talk to her about it then either (a) She will be too uncomfortable and break up with me or (b) I was wrong and I don't actually want to kiss her and I end up ruining the relationship.

 

What I'm describing sounds like demiromantic and I have questioned that label before. I just don't know. 

 

It's just been so long since I've kissed anyone let alone be romantic with anyone that I don't know if what I'm feeling is real. And this not trusting myself is really hurting me. I know I should probably talk to her but I really don't want to risk ruining our relationship.

Well if your needs are different to those of hers, you’re ultimately incompatible. If you think these feelings will fluctuate from time to time, then perhaps wait a little while to see how you feel. If it’s something you feel you need to tell her now, then do so. She should appreciate your honesty and will at least be there for you as a friend.

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