Very confused over romantic orientation, would like some help or support

[soapboxxy]

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[Serra]

I had a somewhat simliar experience with a girl friend of mine... we met and it was like...wow... this person feels like the missing piece to my puzzle. However we were TOTALLY different people. She was basically in a gang of no goods.. (the kind that would shoot cats in the butt with bb guns for fun) and i was raised by my indian uncle to respect nature...so... yea couldnt have been more different in that aspect.. but I ADORED her- I LOVED her- I was still figuring out my own sexuality at this point, and even at home I'd get teased all the time by my siblings.. (one of which was a major sociopath and would use me to torture when he felt like it-) This girl would come over and protect me from him, and I just kept falling more and more for her- because she CARED- I eventually would get off the bus at her house- so I didnt have to be near him... and Augh... I was so devoted to her- but even then I never wanted sex, I never really wanted romance with her- I just wanted to be near her all the time- and have her in my life- I too struggled with my feelings- I tried many times to express it- but didnt know how.
And when she had boyfriends I'd get jealous too- I hated most of them (especially the ones who hurt her) but she was hurtful too... one time my mom wouldnt let her current bf come to or new years party, so she got mad at me and told me to "F**Ck off" and "Maybe if I let him beat the sh**T out of you you'd like him.!!" Then hung up on me... (TLDR he already did do this...when visiting my brother... usually he used a belt.. but thats besides the point)  I dealt with these feelings for 16 years... we were friends and I was hopelessly devoted for 16 years- no matter what she did to me, no matter how she hurt me... I couldnt help it... when she got married I got jealous and angry... but worked through it because I didnt want to lose her. And it was when she decided to ghost me after having her son that I was finally free of the chains I had created for myself over her-

So... yea...I know how you feel and what you're going through/went through there- It takes alot of work on yourself to get over that- and I dont think however that it matters if you fall in love with a girl or a boy- or anything- you can love anyone- Whether ace or not, whether into sex or not- only YOU can determine what you are and how you feel- the only way you'll be deluding yourself is by not accepting yourself. There are a bunch of resources and people on this site willing to help and listen, and im one of them- please contact me anytime if you need me ^^

You've got this- and we're here for you ❤️

[NickyTannock]

Moved this thread from 'Questions about Asexuality' to 'Romantic and Aromantic Orientations'.

 

Michael Tannock,

Open Mic moderator and Questions about Asexuality Co-moderator.

[Biblioromantic]

The first thing I'd say is that you're still very young, so that means you haven't had a lot of time to fit in as much experience as it might take for most to figure out something as complex as sexual and romantic orientations. I wouldn't worry too much about not having 100% figured yourself out at this point. It's totally normal not to know, and that's okay. You're okay. Whatever your orientation turns out to be now and in the future, you're okay and wonderful just as you are.

 

Second, there are some clues to possibilities in what you've shared, but only you can determine for yourself what terms you use to describe and identify yourself. Don't let anyone else label you, because you know yourself better than another person will ever know you. Think critically about your experiences, and then choose for yourself.

 

In my opinion, yes, there's some element of homoromanticism in your orientation. The feelings you're describing sound romantic to me, not platonic like would be shared between two friends. They also don't sound, in my opinion, sexual, at least at this point. That leads me to think you might be homoromantic, which means, literally, that you're romantically attracted to your same gender. There's a possibility you're biromantic or panromantic, of course, but that you just haven't met the right male partner. Since you've only shared the one experience with one romantic crush, it's difficult/impossible to know if either of those possibilities is definitively true or accurate for you. Keep that last sentence in mind, because it's important, but you've at least got a place to start.

 

There may also be some element of gray-romanticism in your orientation. The word "gray" means that you fall somewhere between aromantic (not romantically attracted at all to anyone) and romantic (romantically attracted to people, usually to one or more specific genders). A subset of gray-romanticism is demi-romanticism, which means that you're romantically inclined after an initial platonic or emotional connection has been formed first. If you're gray-romantic, it probably means you're romantically attracted to some people sometimes, but not always. If you're demi-romantic, it generally means that you're romantically attracted to someone after you've gotten to know them first. Remember that sentence from before? Here it is again: Since you've only shared one experience with one romantic crush, it's difficult/impossible to know if either of these possibilities is definitively true or accurate for you.

 

I'd invite you to do some reading and exploring on the AVEN Wiki, which has some good information about orientations. Another good resource is a book you can buy online in paper or electronic format titled The Invisible Orientation by Julie Sondra Decker. The book is about asexuality, and it has some very clear, very informative chapters about sexual and romantic orientations, the best and most authoritative resource I've found on my search to understand my own orientations. I hope it will also be helpful for you.

 

AVEN Wiki: http://wiki.asexuality.org/Main_Page 

The Invisible Orientation on Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/Invisible-Orientation-Introduction-Asexuality-Generation-ebook/dp/B06XQ87RL1/ref=sr_1_1?crid=1D5YGU63H5H9D&keywords=invisible+orientation

[General]

@fledgeling In my honest opinion what you're describing seems to be a homoromantic orientation.  It appears you felt something very different for this girl.  That part in particular, where you were explaining things like how you put in more effort for her present, and how she made you steal a million glances and you craved her attention/approval stood out the most to me because it's all extremely familiar territory.  Your descriptions brought me back to my own past.  I remember very clearly feeling these things you described for two crushes I had.  I fell pretty hard for a lesbian and then a straight girl later on.  I was a real mess over the both of them.  Still am to this day and its been YEARS.  The one thing I asked myself to know if I liked these girls as more than friends was, "Do you want to be in a relationship with her?"  I answered yes both times.  I wanted a girlfriend without a doubt.  However, in my case I'm a demiromantic ace.  I emotionally connected to them before I developed any romantic or sensual feelings, and it hit me like a brick in the face when it happened.  It was a single moment that occurred very quickly.  I'm also a nonbinary person, so it isn't exactly considered a "homoromantic" attraction as it pertains to me personally even though I was born female.  I just say I'm attracted to cis women.

 

I hope this helps, and I wish you the best of luck in your journey of self discovery.  ☺👍

[soapboxxy]

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[Serra]

1 hour ago, fledgeling said:

Thank you all for the replies and kind words ❤️

 

I'm so sorry you had to go through so much hurt, Serra! I used to get beat up a lot too, before highschool. Possibly why I was so averse to touch for a time, now that I think of it.

She was a bit of a nare-do-well too, though never cruel like that luckily. More of a "off-the-rails teenager without adult supervision" type. The worst thing she did to me was saying she wanted to make vector prints with me, then acting busy whenever I asked about it until I got the hint, instead of just telling me outright she didn't wanna be friends.

She might have caught on that I had a crush on her(not that it would be very hard hahaha) and didn't wanna lead me on. If that's the case I guess I'm kinda thankful for it.

Love your avatar, btw. it's so cute!

 

 

No need to feel sorry for me (but thankies for caring) these terrible experiences made me who i am today and LIKE who i am. They also help me be able to relate more to others and i like that too now i wouldnt relive them for any reason..lol but im okay having experienced them.

 

And thankies! I spent a long time on it lol so i use it everywhere i can!

[General]

4 hours ago, fledgeling said:

Thank you, again. This gives me comfort for now. I don't know if I'll ever feel that way towards another person again - but then again, does anyone really? At least I know I wasn't mislabeling my feelings too much.

I thought that maybe I would never fall for another person again, and the first girl I liked was the only one in the world I'd ever have feelings for.  You know what?  I fell for another girl almost 10 years later.  Couldn't believe it happened, but I'm so glad it did.  The first girl pointed me in the right direction, and the second girl confirmed that direction was correct.  

 

You will figure it all out.  Just pay attention to your own thoughts and feelings.  Also, it helps to keep a mental timeline of when you have these thoughts and feelings.  Knowing the general order of when certain interactions took place in my life has helped me tremendously. 👍

[soapboxxy]

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