Confused

[Mythos1]

As of now I have come to terms with my asexuality and I’m more relaxed to it. Now I'm starting to question my romantic orientation and I’m so darn confused.

At the moment I’m edging more towards aromantic. I don’t think I’ve ever had a crush, I’m not keen of hugging and hate the thought of kissing, and I don’t really understand romance. I mean, what is a romantic relationship anyway? You go on dates, go to the cinema, have a meal set for two, Netflix and literally chill? But I can do all that with a close friend.

 

I can care deeply for a person, but what’s the difference between platonic and romantic? I just don’t get it.

 

Help, I’m confuzzled.

[Denoscar]

Hello.
Romantic attraction can be confusing, and the lines between platonic and romantic can seem blurry.
I suppose romantic attraction involves a grand feeling of wanting to live with them, do everything together, and be very affectionate.
These feelings and actions go outside what is typically seen in friendships.
Hope this helps.

[Serra]

To me I've never been into Romance... I literally would just treat my boyfriends Platonically... Like they were just "better" best friends than my real best friends. Its a hard thing to explain- but I really didnt do alot different with them, except kiss them I guess... (which I honestly hated) I do love To hug and cuddle, but thats about it- Im awkward with dates and flirting, and I honestly am super dense to flirting- and in my mind I never understood why people would think im flirting with them when Im just being nice...
I honestly am not 100% sure what romantic attraction is myself...it seems almost vague to me...If you want to do a ton of things with your friend does that make you romantically attracted to them? or does that mean that you're just awesomely close friends? Cuz I definately cant say I feel an actual "attraction"...
In the case of my life partner I simply like that hes around- and is there with me so im not completely alone. (Though I can handle being alone- just fine- hes nice to be around) And I enjoy doing things with him like playing video games, and arts and crafts- and sometimes when hes lounging on the couch I'll just find a spot to snuggle close- (then the dog joins us) but I still dont see that as Romantic attraction... I just like hugs.

So yea... its confusing to me too... I understand lol.

[RosePhoenix]

2 hours ago, Mythos1 said:

As of now I have come to terms with my asexuality and I’m more relaxed to it. Now I'm starting to question my romantic orientation and I’m so darn confused.

At the moment I’m edging more towards aromantic. I don’t think I’ve ever had a crush, I’m not keen of hugging and hate the thought of kissing, and I don’t really understand romance. I mean, what is a romantic relationship anyway? You go on dates, go to the cinema, have a meal set for two, Netflix and literally chill? But I can do all that with a close friend.

 

I can care deeply for a person, but what’s the difference between platonic and romantic? I just don’t get it.

 

Help, I’m confuzzled.

Oh, my friend I relate so much to this.

 

Ok, so this might be silly, but for me it was helpful to think about different fictional characters that I love and trying to see if I felt differently towards any of them. Somehow removing the consideration from reality helped take the pressure off to understand...if that makes any sense. There was about two characters that I felt differently from all the other characters I love. I had an intense feeling of wanting to lay my head on their shoulders.  Yes, that's as far I as I get into romance or wanting a relationship.

 

I also started watching some romance shows, (a genre I had always hated and still think is hard to find anything decent, but anyway) and look at the relationships between characters. What made something romantic to them? The anime Snow White with the Red Hair I found the absolutely most helpful and is a beautiful show if you wanna check it out. Its a romance, but no sex, and its extremely rare that the characters even kiss, and it focuses on the romantic relationship without demeaning the friendships in the show.

 

I noticed a couple of things. Being asexual myself I looked closely for anything that wasn't physical/sex related and things that focused on the relationship that differs from friendships. The main thing I noticed is the priority people place on their significant other and the way they (in a healthy relationship) admire and support one another, going beyond what you'd expect from a friend. Which I know isn't a helpful explanation at all. So I got an example. If you were going through a major loss and grieving, you expect your friends to maybe stop by to see how your doing, bring you food, hang out for an evening and let you cry, or take you out to cheer you up. But a romantic partner, this loss is integral to them too, you being like this affects them too and they will be by your side every second if you need it. 

 

I hardheartedly dislike the idea that romance relationships "complete" people or are people's "other half" but the amount of involvement a romance partner has in the other person's life tends to be almost like the same level as the person themselves. Its someone that you want to share everything in your life with. (Which to me, sounds sticky and threatens my Independence but w/e) 

 

To me, romance is laying your head on someone's shoulder, giving that person flowers (especially a single flower that you tuck into their hair), brushing their hair away from their face, just looking at them to admire them, a strong sense of loyalty (tho also applicable to other relationships), dancing with that person, and a wanting to spend time alone with that person, as well as a desire to be involved in their life and for them to be involved in yours in ways and about things you probably wouldn't let the friends in your life influence. Like maybe kids or where you live or w/e. Also, romance often seems to mean you care more about that person's happiness than your own. Its like you support that person and build each other into your life. Romantically being attracted to someone then is the feeling of wanting that person to be entwined in your life and wanting to make that person happy even at the expense of your own happiness.

 

But what do I know. I don't really feel these things. And though I identify as Ace and Grey-Aro, I still consider myself a bit of a romantic (I just don't feel that way towards others myself) which may have influenced my explanations. And also, relationships are so unique to the people involved. And relationships like queer platonic can kinda throw a wrench in my building life together explanation of romance.

 

But I hope this was maybe helpful. Sorry it got so damn long.

[Koehl]

Yeah, the distinction of what romantic attraction really is confuses me also, even as someone who knows they experience it. I'm heteroromantic and sex-adversed, so the sexual aspect is obviously not what I would consider a part of romantic attraction for me. I think @RosePhoenix did a good job outlining how a romantic attraction feels, I would just like to expand a bit. 

 

I don't think any physical contact is what makes a relationship romantic. I equally enjoy cuddling with my best friends or close family while we watch a movie, just like I might with a partner. What makes a romantic relationship different I feel is the desire to be a part of them and their experiences, and have them be a part of you and your experiences. I also am not trying to imply you need your partner to complete you, because you don't, it's a complicated idea. It seems to me that desiring a partner is really a desire to share yourself with someone else, and in turn allow them to share themselves with you. My friends know lots of my interests. A partner would be a part of those interests (whether directly or indirectly) by sharing my experience of them. I want my friends and family to actively be a part of my life. I want my partner to experience life alongside me.

 

I do also think there is some aspect of grand loyalty. The idea that this person is committed to you. This is how it differs from platonic attraction I would say. Even in the closest of platonic relationships, I would never expect a friend to make me one of their lifelong focuses. Whereas a romantic partner I would expect to consider me one of the focuses of their life (not the only focus). I'm again not trying to say your romantic partner should come before all else, that you should ignore friends in favour of them or anything like that. There's always a healthy balance. I simply think that a desire for a level of commitment from a person is a part of what makes romantic attraction different from platonic attraction.

 

I hope any of that makes any sense. Like I said, this is still a question I'm asking myself all the time, but this is where I'm currently at 😛