Have you ever been jealous your squish seemed closer with someone else?

[elliephant]

Before going into detail, i’m don’t think i’m 100% aro, but i’m for sure on the spectrum (i like to use the labels lithromantic and quiromantic).

So there’s this person i have a squish on, and i really want to be closer friends with them. The other day, i saw them post a picture of them with some of their best friends and i immediately felt ... jealous?...

Has anyone else ever felt that way towards their squish?...

[Denoscar]

Mhm, definitely. I've had two squishes in the past and for both of them I wanted to become one of their best friends.
For one, I was too shy to try. For the other, my social anxiety was too strong and it caused me to stop talking to them. Not their fault.
Anyways, that's normal and you're not alone with that.

[NickyTannock]

Welcome to AVEN!

 

I've never had a Squish, but I have been jealous, so I think it's probably normal.

 

Incidentally, it is a tradition here to welcome new members by offering cake, and here's a Giant Elephant Cake,

[iyote]

Jealousy definitely occurs even among friends, so although I've never experienced jealousy about a squish, it doesn't surprise me.  

[Guest]

I think it's natural to be jealous of people being close to the person you want to be close to. Healthy? Probably not, but definitely a natural human reaction for better or worse. I definitely struggle with it and can get pretty jealous when I see the people I care about around people they care about more than me.

[Strifed]

Yes :< I can remember a couple of people I felt slightly jealous of for getting close to someone I had a squish on. It wasn't really bad, like I hated him/her or wanted to be them, I just felt slight jealousy 😩 I had thoughts like, "Wow I wish I could be that close to him (bc I usually get squishes on guys)." For my female friends sometimes I feel... awkward when they spend more time with someone else over me and we used to be close. I wouldn't call it squishes, but it does make me feel sad when a friendship is fading... and I think about all the fun we had and what we used to talk about, and I'll be sad for a few days before telling myself there's other people out there I think I kinda get attached to my friends, not in a clingy way, but just... I care about them 😕 

[firewallflower]

Definitely.

Even aside from the (more intense, I guess?) experience of a squish specifically, as an extremely shy person, I'm not much good at getting close to people, no matter how much I genuinely like and would want to get close to them. At the same time, though, I have that strong desire to be close to people I like and care about, even if I can't bring myself to follow through on that desire most of the time. And I also get quite attached to those few friends and friendships which I do have (I use the word "friend" pretty sparingly, as I have plenty of "friendly acquaintances").

 

 

So all things considered, yes, I have to admit that there's often just a bit of jealousy when a squish/wannabee (or actual) friend/whatever term you use is (or seems) closer to another person. Definitely not to the point of bearing a grudge against the person they're closer to, or anything like that (quite to the contrary, I'm usually genuinely happy for the people who are enjoying that level of closeness), but just enough to give me a pang.

 

I've become quite practiced at stopping my mind from going down certain categories of negative thoughts, and this is one of those categories. Sometimes when I'll catch myself starting to be jealous of someone for such reasons, it's almost like I'm physically wresting my mind away from that area. It doesn't stop the jealousy completely, of course, but it does let me consign the jealousy to a corner of my brain where it won't hurt anyone.

[Squirrel Combat]

Oh yeah! 

 

But I have a pretty good handle on my jealousy and insecurities. I keep forgetting how well I handle it.

[Chihiro]

Yeah. If I consider someone a best friend then I expect them to prioritize me, else I get jealous. Its fine if they prioritize family and SO, but I should be a priority among their friends. But I know how to handle it, and I don't make a big deal about it.

[EnterCreativeName]

Most of my squishes have been on people I'm not friends with, but with one person I was already friends with them when I realized that they were a squish. I had known her for 5 years, and was probably friends with her for 3 of those. I only realized that she was a squish during our last year together, our Senior year of high school. And even though we were all part of the same friend group, she was friends with the other people more than she was with me. She'd invite them for bonfires on the beach, or she'd go over to their houses after school, but never me. And I remember getting a little angry at my other friends, though I never told them or showed it, because I wanted to hang out with her and get close too. I tried so hard to be her friend, and though we hung out at school, it was never to the extent that I wanted. For a while, I thought that I was just upset because I was being left out of group events (which has happened a lot throughout all of middle school and high school...) but I eventually realized that I definitely liked her more than the others and I was upset that she liked the other people better. 

 

There was one point where she was having a graduation party and even though we'd been friends for so long, I could tell that it was like an afterthought to invite me. Even when I showed up, she said, and I quote, "Oh, you showed up... It's kind of weird. Everyone I thought would show up didn't, and everyone I didn't think would show up came." That one kind of hurt. I haven't seen her since graduation, and the one time I tried messaging her she awkwardly left the conversation on read not long after it began. I guess she has more important people to talk to.

[Anonymous123456]

On 2/21/2019 at 5:04 AM, firewallflower said:

Definitely.

Even aside from the (more intense, I guess?) experience of a squish specifically, as an extremely shy person, I'm not much good at getting close to people, no matter how much I genuinely like and would want to get close to them. At the same time, though, I have that strong desire to be close to people I like and care about, even if I can't bring myself to follow through on that desire most of the time. And I also get quite attached to those few friends and friendships which I do have (I use the word "friend" pretty sparingly, as I have plenty of "friendly acquaintances").

 

 

So all things considered, yes, I have to admit that there's often just a bit of jealousy when a squish/wannabee (or actual) friend/whatever term you use is (or seems) closer to another person. Definitely not to the point of bearing a grudge against the person they're closer to, or anything like that (quite to the contrary, I'm usually genuinely happy for the people who are enjoying that level of closeness), but just enough to give me a pang.

 

I've become quite practiced at stopping my mind from going down certain categories of negative thoughts, and this is one of those categories. Sometimes when I'll catch myself starting to be jealous of someone for such reasons, it's almost like I'm physically wresting my mind away from that area. It doesn't stop the jealousy completely, of course, but it does let me consign the jealousy to a corner of my brain where it won't hurt anyone.

A very good answer to read, and I agree with the last bit! Often I have bad thoughts and I’ll just say ‘no’ out loud or open and close my eyes, or distort the thoughts into something ridiculous i.e. if it’s an image I’m picturing.

[The Incarnation Of Boredom]

Very recently actually. Before break my squish (who might be turning into a crush...) Exchanged numbers with his and my other friend, and I felt so jealous and sad because I would have nobody to talk to over break, while they'd be talking to each other...

[Guest]

Yeeeeeeees. 

[Messynb]

My problem is that I don't know my squish very well at all (we say hi in the hallway and when I'm waiting for my class in the morning & she's at her locker), so I have like no justification for this jealousy. Even so, whenever I see her eating lunch where she normally does, I start wishing that I was in that group as well, just because she's there and I really like being near her and talking to her.