Alone, but not lonely?

[abandoned-account]

First of all, I want to clarify that I refer to “loneliness” here in the emotional sense, NOT the sexual one.

 

So long ago when I was still new here I made a post trying to figure out why, exactly that I tend to experience the feelings of loneliness. I’m bringing back that idea here in sort of a different (and hopefully a bit more clear this time) way. 

 

I’ve stated before that feeling lonely and being highly emotional in general is a trait that I’m not proud of. I want to think it’s some kind of phase I’m going through, but at the same time I worry that it may be become part of who I am. While I am an introvert and do like having plenty of time to myself, but I still worry about a future of being left all alone due to the distrusting and distancing relationship I have with my family and fear of friends moving on and losing contact with me. 

I see some who seem perfectly happy by themselves and not having close folks around them, and I sometimes wish I could be like them. I know it’s not exactly healthy to compare one’s self to others, but I just wonder, what do they have that I am lacking? Why do they not seem to feel the way I tend to do? Is it all from me being just highly insecure and paranoid? Is my brain just overthinking it all? Is there any other answer than just “it’s just the way you are”? I want to try and understand the psychology behind it to the best of my abilities.

 

For anyone on here who are one of those who seem perfectly fine living all by themselves, what’s it like for you? Not limited to just aroaces but anyone who’s like this in general.

[Anonymous123456]

I relate to a lot of your post, and although I don’t have any answers myself, I sure look forward to reading the replies!  

[Grimalkin]

The thing is, practically no one is "fine by themselves." Even introverts, even the people who seem to be doing great all on their own. It's just that, at a certain point, your brain copes with loneliness by denying that you need closeness of that kind. It's a self defense mechanism.

 

I really can't recommend this video enough. It points out a lot of things I never thought about before. It's worth watching all the way through.

 

 

[Serra]

Im actually Perfectly happy "alone" but Im also perfectly and amazingly happy with @DL_Nan0 Around... though its not really a way thats easy to explain. I like my alone time- but I can get paranoid- and scared- so its not the fact that I need to be with someone "that way" that makes me not want to be alone- its the fact that I get paranoia and terrified someones gonna break in- or someones just randomly going to want to shoot me. (Stupid I know but anxiety can be a bi**h)
I actually was perfectly happy OTHER Than that being by myself in my own apartment. I found alot to do and I had time for my arts and crafts, I could do what I wanted and no one was there to tell me not to do it... if I wanted to leave a mess on the table I could do it, and the only one to tell me otherwise would be me.
So I liked that freedom for sure..

ALSO YOU ARENT ALONE YOU HAVE ME AND I LOOOVEEE YOUUUUUU ❤️

[EggplantWitch]

I think those who are truly happy being 'completely' alone are either A: faking it and are deeply, deeply unhappy or B: are literally the kinds of people who become serial killers, so at any rate, not the kind of person to look up to. Like you, I'm really introverted, and I'm also autistic so people make even less sense. I think one of the best ways I've found to combat loneliness is through online friendships, and there are any number of places you can go to find them. Social media, forums (like AVEN!), online gaming, online chatrooms like Discord communities and so on. It's less overwhelming but no less satisfying.

[DuskFire]

I am sure 100% I'm not aromantic because my loneliness hurts. I think I am afraid of being alone cause there are so many things I don't understand and wouldn't know how to react to. Plus I feel I need someone. Friends are great but I still feel empty. Some might attribute this to spiritual emptiness. Maybe it is? I mean my relationship with God is not very good. But I'm afraid to commit myself to a relationship like that I think. With God or with a person I think. I just want this hurt to go away 😟 but it never does. I wonder if I had a good relationship with God would it help? I'm trying I think... I do believe spiritual health is important whether you believe in supernatural stuff or not. But I get SO envious when people say they cuddled or something that it feels like I got punched in the gut 😫

I don't really know what to say vee except I'm in practically the same boat as you.

[LucindaC]

For me, it depends on what sort of day I'm having. I've lived alone for 8 years now, and while I like a lot of things about that (no extra mess/washing up/laundry created), I feel lonely from time to time. It happens more if I've had a bad day at work and have nobody to mouth off to, or (far in the future) the very real possibility of dying alone and not being found because nobody gave a damn, pops into my head it can be almost overwhelming. But mostly it happens when I don't do proper self care. 

I find that when I look after myself properly, it becomes much less of an issue. It is easier to remember "self-love" and gratitude for what I have, if I have the emotional/physical resources...

[Rockblossom]

AroAce here, who is perfectly happy alone.  I grew up in a large family, so finding a space to be alone was not easy, and all the more precious for it.  Throughout life and a job, I have been forced to live with other people, but I was never happy about it.  When I bought my first house it was wonderful, because I could come home from long, long hours of working with people and just veg out in the basement with a good book.    Now I'm in my late 60s, and I'm more worried about becoming disabled and being forced into a retirement home or an "assisted living facility" where I will be living with other people.  That's actually my biggest fear because I don't want to live my final years being miserable, and I would be.   

 

And having people giving me advice about how to change who I am is not helpful.  I think our introvert/extrovert levels are inborn and just a part of who we are.  And your need to not be alone is neither irrational nor abnormal nor "lacking" in something.    Instead of trying to change that, perhaps you should consider ways to "lean into" your need for human contact.  Find social groups with common interests.  Volunteer at a senior center, animal shelter, soup kitchen, a school, or any place else where you might meet some new friends with common interests.   

[andreas1033]

Yep, being alone is not being lonely.

 

Being lonely is an energy, that your body creates, to want to interact with others. If you know how to disperse this energy, you will not feel lonely.

 

Yep, being alone, is not the same as being lonely.

[Howard]

I'm like my alone times, which I get alot, but I'm not lonely. I have a church friend, family in the same city, a couple of other friends that I met elsewhere but church and plenty of Internet friends. Some of those friends I know I can hug out of solidarity from similar difficulties we had. I think it is those bonds that make it so that I'm happy living alone.

[Xstatic]

My boyfriend very much enjoys his alone time. He has been living alone for several years now. He admits sometimes he wishes he had a roommate just so there was someone there to keep him company occasionally, but he really does like to isolate and be alone.  

 

I, on the other hand, do not handle isolation very well. Even after one day of being by myself I can feel extremely restless and crave socialization.  When left by myself for too long I start to ruminate and get depressed and think that nobody wants to be around me or that I am very annoying to others.

[Zinerva]

I usually like to think that I'm one of those people. But I interact with others all the time, it's just online. I live with my parents but don't see them every day, sometimes they're away for weeks and I don't really mind that much but I do tend to go a little crazy. The "buys a plant and starts talking to it" kind of crazy. On the other hand I can't handle constant socialization. Sharing a cottage or a hotel room with someone for a week is just as likely to make me go nuts. I will spend the next two weeks in my room and not talk to anyone to compensate. If I don't get my space, everything about the other person will start to irritate me. I don't handle spending a lot of time with people well, but I also don't handle no time at all well, no matter how much I'd love to be able to just ignore my social needs in real life and just live online. I don't really feel lonely. I just start acting really weird. When I eventually move and live on my own, I'll just buy that plant.

[Epitaph]

Curse of loneliness. Once you got it, there's no turning it off. I'll tell ya something. I lived on both sides of the fence. Early on in my life I was a solitary person, and that was because I didn't trust anybody enough to open up to them. So I said to myself, "Okay, that's it then, you're in this game by yourself, nobody's going to care about you, nobody's going to help you, it's up to you."

 

So, off I went, out and about doing things on my own. Then I bumped into somebody that could be called my previous SO. And they exposed me to what it was to feel cared about and connected to. She is no longer alive, and so now I am left in this state of decay I suppose. I can't undo it. I can't go back to that previous mindset because of the level of pain it brings.

 

Loneliness is both a physical condition and a psychological one. To be perfectly honest with you, I don't think anybody really can endure being 100% alone. People can adapt, yes, but it takes a toll on them and their system. You ever see what a hermit who's spent years in complete isolation from other human beings looks like? Most of them have some quirks to put it lightly. I don't think they're content with being alone, just so much that they've adapted. There's a difference between being content, and being adapted.

 

Then again there is rule of exceptions. Some people's brains are simply wired a certain way, so they don't got to worry about needing people, as they don't feel the urge or the connection.  But for probably a good 90% or higher of the population, being alone, or feeling alone has adverse effects on one's health and mental wellbeing.

 

And feeling lonely isn't something that you can just turn off. Anybody who tells you that is lying to you. Loneliness is a mechanism and a mechanic to tell you that you need something. It's exactly like being hungry. Your stomach grumbles and hurts when you need food. You get a headache if you go too long without food. That pain is the signal that says, "Hey, it's time for food." So is loneliness. It's a tell that you're missing something. Either a mental connection or somebody to communicate with on a close level.

 

I only existed alone and relatively content with it because I told myself that this was it. There was no choice. Nobody was ever going to love me or care about me and so therefore I had to do my best on my own to take care of myself. I was simply adapting to my situation, rather than actually being content in it. Which in its own way created barriers. If you tell yourself that you're going to die alone, and that it's just you, your brain is going to create that reality and adhere to it. When I was alone, I didn't talk to anybody. I avoided all human contact as much as possible and I never let anybody get close to me emotionally nor gave them the opportunity to. 

 

So in my own way I spurred on the fact of life that I was going to be alone by acting as if I were alone and continuing to perpetrate that isolation in order to adhere to my head's established reality that I was going to die alone. Then somebody came along and knocked it all over. 

[LucindaC]

56 minutes ago, Zinerva said:

The "buys a plant and starts talking to it" kind of crazy. 

I don't talk to mine enough...

[daveb]

I have lived alone most of my adult life (over 40 years) and that's what I prefer. I am currently sharing my house with my sister, but it's not working out and I'm happier when I have the house to myself. That's because I crave a lot more alone time and lack of interaction than she does. I do have a few friends (people I play games with approximately one afternoon every other week, and even then I'm usually ready to be alone again after a few hours of that; another good friend who lives in another state who I sometimes get to travel with, but we always get separate rooms so we have time alone once the day's activities are over), and the rest of my social interaction is mostly online (AVEN, hobby forums/blogs). That's plenty for me. The only times I really feel lonely these days is when I am stuck amongst a bunch of people I don't know or when I want to celebrate something and have no one to celebrate with. I don't do anything to be this way. I really do feel it's just the way I am. I don't think I'm crazy or lying or psychotic or anything. Just an introvert and HSP who needs alone time to recharge and read and work on hobbies and get away from the "madding crowd". I do enjoy the times with friends, too, but not constantly.

 

I don't think the amount of socializing a person needs can be turned off or on. Some just need more and some need less. Nothing wrong either way as long as you know how much you need and can find ways to get it.

[abandoned-account]

@Grimalkin I actually watched that video last night when it caught my eye on my YouTube home page. It was quite interesting indeed.

 

@Serra Yeah, the paranoia's a big thing for me. Though I like to be as self-sufficient as I can, there are times where we just need help, and we never know when those times occur, especially as we grow older and our health decreases. (oh and TYYYYYY ILU2 )

(TW: death, gore)

Spoiler

I remember reading some articles and stories about people dying alone in their home and their pets start eating meat off of the dead owner's remains (yeah, I tend to read about some morbid stuff sometimes...) when they've run out of food, and/or their house and possessions just get abandoned if no one is willed to it (or whoever it legally goes to just doesn't do anything about it. I hope to not go out someday and have that situation arise, especially if I still have pets by that time.

 

@DuskFire I don't think it's uncommon to feel that way, even if you have a good relationship with God. After all, He wants us to have communion with other believers, and I think since the beginning he created humans to be social creatures.

I understand the desire to have a close emotional attachment with someone. Someone you know you can feel comfortable around and loves you the way you are. I sometimes feel this too, and I think that's the part I question the most about myself, if it's some kind of phase or hormonal shift, or if it's a (somewhat reluctant) part of me that I'm only now becoming more aware of.

 

@Rockblossom Sorry to hear you grew up in a such a noisy environment, that can be very frustrating especially for us introverts. I'm glad life got better for you when you moved out.  

When I was in middle school I had a teacher who was sort of like this. She was in her 60s and had never married or had kids (she said she never cared to do so). She told us that she was very close to her mother and lived with her for many years, but by the time I knew her her mother had long passed away and she just lived by herself with one small dog.

I think upbringing can have an effect on these feelings and relationships with people, even when you're an adult. I can definitely understand your wanting to be away from people after the experience growing up. When I was little I never had any friends until I was in middle school, and I wanted to be closer and accepted by my brother and step-siblings but was rejected and excluded. I wanted us to be together as a family but I knew it wouldn't happen. While I think I did feel closer to my father when I was little, that faded anyway as I got older and went further into self-discovery, and realized I couldn't feel comfortable being myself around him. Maybe my mind wants to make up for something it wanted, but never really had?

I guess human nature and emotions are something we can only put so much logic into trying and figuring out. Even with the psychology studies we have now sometimes it's hard to determine the "whys" of the way we are. (kinda reminds me of a song.)

 

@E So sorry to hear about your loss... 😞

I agree, feelings and states of mind like that aren't just something you can turn off, even though the ignorant ones may think you can. It's like depression, anxiety, and other mental/psychological things.

[JMS0787]

Seems that I fit right in here.   I'm constantly flip flopping between what I feel and don't feel, especially in the OP about lonely in the emotional sense, and not in the sexual one at that.

 

Also the same with any kind of roommates. Tried it once, and I nearly went crazy. I too like to spend days never leaving my apartment until I feel like it, until I go crazy from being locked up.

[Galactic Turtle]

I did a thread not too long ago asking folks about what their living situation was, what their ideal living situation would be, feelings about those they lived with, and feelings about those in their neighborhood. To my surprise, I think everyone who answered wanted to live either alone or with their significant other in a big house secluded from everyone else. They didn't feel comfortable relying on anyone for anything, had no interest in getting to know those around them but did say sometimes that maybe it would be nice having a friend but only if they were useful. All of this struck me as amusing because to me that type of life sounds absolutely miserable. But hey, to each their own.

 

While both aromantic and asexual, I grew up in a multigenerational household in the city on a block with several other families. Most of my extended family was within a 20 minute drive away but still I knew every family on the block and on top of that I went to the same small school in the same building studying with the same people from age 4 to age 18. I knew everyone at that school by name if they were within two grades of me. Odds are I knew their parents too. I was expected to go to church every Sunday, I was part of club sports teams, I helped put on school plays, and I formed a band with my friends leading to us regularly hanging out to write music together. So while I feel absolutely no desire for a partner or even a roommate, I have always highly valued community and friendship even if I often groan to myself when faced with the prospect of having to go out and meet people for something. Deep down I find value in it and deep down I know that if I lived in a big house by myself I'd definitely feel lonely.

 

I have three friends: two from my childhood and one from college who I keep up with via social media. While the people I met in college, including my friend, are very different from me ideologically we share similar interests and regularly talk about the mundane things in our daily lives. My childhood friends are more or less on their own path now but ideologically we are identical and culturally I find them a comforting presence. We have a group chat together sharing important life updates and when the stars align plan out a time to meet up when we're all in town. Outside of this I regularly chat on a Discord server for Star Wars fans, volunteer at a community theater helping build sets and run shows, participate in church activities (they always need technical help for special performances), and pursue my own hobbies like music composition and fiction writing. I find this is a good balance that works for me. Doing theater and church is a good way for me to get out of the house because if it weren't for those things I really never would and I think that's bad for my health. 

 

In terms of my living situation, when able to I prefer above all things residences for women. Often run by Catholic organizations in Boston, New York, and Washington DC, there are boarding houses for people working or interning in the city. With communal areas and in some cases a dining hall, I find it comforting to have people close by and have the option to participate in community events. Having conversations with familiar faces during meals are also nice bookends to the day. I find the women in these places often have a work ethic and ambition similar to my own. They also tend to highly value female relationships. Are we all BFF's? Absolutely not. Our conversations are typically surface level or about a very specific subject of interest but we are a community. Someone I barely know might mention they wanted to see a new movie. Word might spread and I'll hear about it remembering that I wanted to see that movie too. Now we can go together or with a small group. Then at the end of the day I have a nice room all to myself. I've never wanted a house to myself and have few belongings compared to everyone else I know. At the moment I'm living at home and just this morning shoveled the steps at my grandmother's house and of my neighbor's house because that's just how things are around here.

[Guest]

6 hours ago, Vee. said:

First of all, I want to clarify that I refer to “loneliness” here in the emotional sense, NOT the sexual one.

 

So long ago when I was still new here I made a post trying to figure out why, exactly that I tend to experience the feelings of loneliness. I’m bringing back that idea here in sort of a different (and hopefully a bit more clear this time) way. 

 

I’ve stated before that feeling lonely and being highly emotional in general is a trait that I’m not proud of. I want to think it’s some kind of phase I’m going through, but at the same time I worry that it may be become part of who I am. While I am an introvert and do like having plenty of time to myself, but I still worry about a future of being left all alone due to the distrusting and distancing relationship I have with my family and fear of friends moving on and losing contact with me. 

I see some who seem perfectly happy by themselves and not having close folks around them, and I sometimes wish I could be like them. I know it’s not exactly healthy to compare one’s self to others, but I just wonder, what do they have that I am lacking? Why do they not seem to feel the way I tend to do? Is it all from me being just highly insecure and paranoid? Is my brain just overthinking it all? Is there any other answer than just “it’s just the way you are”? I want to try and understand the psychology behind it to the best of my abilities.

 

For anyone on here who are one of those who seem perfectly fine living all by themselves, what’s it like for you? Not limited to just aroaces but anyone who’s like this in general.

I sometimes feel lonely even though I usually prefer to be alone most of the time. It used to be hard for me to admit that I feel lonely at times, but it's been getting easier. It IS possible to be a loner AND feel lonely at times. 

 

Like I've mentioned before here, I'm an introvert. And a huge one at that! Plus, I'm shy. And yes, I do live with social anxiety as well. It kinda makes things complicated, but I'm able to manage it better now. 

 

Growing up, people kept trying to change my innate nature, and that actually made me withdraw into my shell even more. It felt like those around me couldn't accept me for who I was, that they only wanted me if I could pretend to be someone I'm not, someone a lot more extroverted and outgoing than me. I got tired of that, and I've worked really hard on trying to find a place for myself that lets me be, well, me. 

 

I do sometimes crave human interaction. I come online for that, plus there's the people at work, at school, at my two volunteer jobs, etc. I do have a lot of aquaintances and casual friends. I worked hard on getting that outer circle. It's the inner circle that's a problem. 

 

I know all too well what it's like to grow apart from your friends and lose contact with them. My relationships with my family members aren't great, as I've mentioned before. I don't want any human roommates again. I require my own personal space to function. Making close friends is really hard for me, as is dating. Part of me would like a QPR one day, but I honestly don't know when or even if it will happen. I'm trying to be positive, tho. We'll see...

 

I don't think that you're overthinking this, nor do I think that you're lacking anything. Dealing with loneliness can be difficult and stressful for anyone. 🙁

 

5 hours ago, DuskFire said:

I am sure 100% I'm not aromantic because my loneliness hurts. I think I am afraid of being alone cause there are so many things I don't understand and wouldn't know how to react to. Plus I feel I need someone. Friends are great but I still feel empty. Some might attribute this to spiritual emptiness. Maybe it is? I mean my relationship with God is not very good. But I'm afraid to commit myself to a relationship like that I think. With God or with a person I think. I just want this hurt to go away 😟 but it never does. I wonder if I had a good relationship with God would it help? I'm trying I think... I do believe spiritual health is important whether you believe in supernatural stuff or not. But I get SO envious when people say they cuddled or something that it feels like I got punched in the gut 😫

I don't really know what to say vee except I'm in practically the same boat as you.

*sends a hug* 

 

@Rockblossom has some great ideas. 🙂

 

@daveb Hello, fellow introvert and HSP! (^o^)/ 

 

[daveb]

2 hours ago, Just Dani said:

@daveb Hello, fellow introvert and HSP! (^o^)/ 

Heya  

[Guest]

6 minutes ago, daveb said:

Heya  

*acknowledges greeting, waves back, and then runs and hides*

 

Sorry, it was a long day at work. My people meter filled up really fast again... 😢 

[Xstatic]

Introverts are adorable.  I just want to hug you all (and then give you time to recharge).  

[Strifed]

9 hours ago, Vee. said:

I see some who seem perfectly happy by themselves and not having close folks around them, and I sometimes wish I could be like them. I know it’s not exactly healthy to compare one’s self to others, but I just wonder, what do they have that I am lacking? Why do they not seem to feel the way I tend to do? Is it all from me being just highly insecure and paranoid? Is my brain just overthinking it all? Is there any other answer than just “it’s just the way you are”? I want to try and understand the psychology behind it to the best of my abilities.

 

For anyone on here who are one of those who seem perfectly fine living all by themselves, what’s it like for you? Not limited to just aroaces but anyone who’s like this in general.

I'm one of those people! I just love being by myself and having space to myself. Living with people or being too close to others for extended periods of time drains me (and sometimes makes me extremely unhappy, stressed, and aggressive if the person refuses to give me space in a living situation), no matter how much I like them as a person. It's like a battery for me, I'm at 100% full and happiest when I am alone. Don't get me wrong, having friends or someone to talk to/share things with/hang out with is important to me, but I don't need constant attention (and it kinda bugs me if someone gets too clingy or is texting me way too much).

 

I do believe it is just the way I am + I am always keeping myself busy. Over the years I have adopted a lot of hobbies and interests, and when I'm bored I'll pick one up and tinker with it/get better + have fun. If I get sick of that hobby, I'll move on to something else I think is fun. I just hardly feel lonely just... because I guess? I'm also a very independent person, so it comes naturally for me. I can go out to the mall alone or do something alone, and it's totally OK with me. I've just never been the type of person that needed someone always there with me.

[Guest]

1 minute ago, Strifed said:

I'm one of those people! I just love being by myself and having space to myself. Living with people or being too close to others for extended periods of time drains me (and sometimes makes me extremely unhappy, stressed, and aggressive if the person refuses to give me space in a living situation), no matter how much I like them as a person. It's like a battery for me, I'm at 100% full and happiest when I am alone. Don't get me wrong, having friends or someone to talk to/share things with/hang out with is important to me, but I don't need constant attention (and it kinda bugs me if someone gets too clingy or is texting me way too much).

 

I do believe it is just the way I am + I am always keeping myself busy. Over the years I have adopted a lot of hobbies and interests, and when I'm bored I'll pick one up and tinker with it/get better + have fun. If I get sick of that hobby, I'll move on to something else I think is fun. I just hardly feel lonely just... because I guess? I'm also a very independent person, so it comes naturally for me. I can go out to the mall alone or do something alone, and it's totally OK with me. I've just never been the type of person that needed someone always there with me.

I like the way you put that! 👍

[ColeHW34]

While I'm perfectly okay with having no one to be with,

I still want friends to hang out with or stuff to do like brew beer or garden.

But when I don't, that's when my depression kicks in.

[Coily the Spring Sprite]

10 hours ago, EggplantWitch said:

I think those who are truly happy being 'completely' alone are either A: faking it and are deeply, deeply unhappy or B: are literally the kinds of people who become serial killers, so at any rate, not the kind of person to look up to. Like you, I'm really introverted, and I'm also autistic so people make even less sense. I think one of the best ways I've found to combat loneliness is through online friendships, and there are any number of places you can go to find them. Social media, forums (like AVEN!), online gaming, online chatrooms like Discord communities and so on. It's less overwhelming but no less satisfying.

I don't feel I'm faking it so I must be a serial killer. I definitely need to step up my game. I did have to take my shoes of to figure out the number of victims and as of today it is zero.

 

To be serious, I don't feel I am 'completely' alone. I don't have a significant other and am not really looking for one. I do go out and socialize but as I get older, I do less of it. I enjoy going out with folks, whether it's walking, hiking, seeing a movie, dancing etc. When I get home after doing whatever, being greeted by my dog is really all I need at the moment. I'm not big on social media and still like to get out and communicate with folks. But I'm old so that's my perspective. 

[Gloomy]

I just find it easier and more peaceful to be alone. Living alone means I can do things my own way, decorate/arrange the whole house however I want, do chores at my own pace rather than have someone nagging me to get them done now, etc. Working a behind the scenes type job where I can put my headphones on and deal with numbers rather than rude customers. Staying in and going to bed at a decent time rather than staying out all night. Of course I'm not 100% solitary. I'm still close with my family and like spending time with them once in a while, and I like that I can go online and express my thoughts in ways I can't always do in real life, but anything more than that can be pretty draining to me.

 

Even when I was a little kid I often preferred to swing on the swing set by myself and just daydream or think to myself during recess rather than play with the other kids.

[Sure rants alot]

I have lived alone for a very long time. My favorite place to live is in the city. In the city I am invisible. My neighbors don't keep track of what I'm doing. I can walk down the street and pass a hundred people who are complete strangers which allows me the opportunity to think, to enjoy the sights and smells, to bask in the quiet without the need to constantly give someone input. That is exhausting to me. I used to live in a rural community (7,000 people in the entire county). Everyone knew everyone elses business. If they saw my car in the driveway they 'd think that meant I was home and of course must want some company because I surely must be lonely. I'm thinking to myself, "no, I don't want to see you another four hours. I just spent 8 hours with you at work. Go away, leave me alone."  I never did have the courage to say that though.  I couldn't walk down the street or go to the store without people wanting to stop and "chit chat".  I felt very burdened, very heavy. I dreaded going anywhere because it seemed someone was always clinging to me. 

 

Now that I live in the city I pass people who smile, say hi but don't feel the need to share their entire life story with me.

 

 Have you ever sat with someone who gets really uncomfortable with your quietness? It might be a co-worker, a spouse, a relative.  They seem to perceive it as some kind of shortcoming on their part if you don't provide them some sort of constant validation of their presence.  The questions are, "are you Ok?", "are you mad at me?" "what are you thinking about?"  "Do you want to go do something?" "What are you reading?",  "Is something wrong?"  *sigh*...that is so draining.  I just want to scream "go get your own life and let me have my own."     

 

 

 

 

 

 

[abandoned-account]

Many of the replies here bring up a good point: Actually living with people vs. living by yourself, but still nearby friends/family and still associating with them.

Like I said, I am too an introvert and my alone time is very important to me. When living with my family I liked spending most of my time in my room and I felt very depressed and drained just living there with them, though I mostly contributed that to having a poor relationship with my family. I felt quite lonely there because I felt like I didn't belong.

Right now I live by myself in my dorm/apartment and I've felt so much better here since moving away from family. I feel very blessed to not have a roommate, and frankly I'm hoping I won't get one anytime soon. I like to say that I would prefer living alone than with bad company. Thing is, I've never actually lived with anyone who I'd consider myself to be close to and comfortable with, so I actually don't know what would feel like for me.

Like I also mentioned earlier I think a possible motive behind what I feel is my paranoia of "what if something happens and you need immediate help?" I think living with or very close to someone (trustworthy) would help that, but yeah overall I'm just not sure how I feel.

 

I also do most of my socializing with friends online and I am indeed very thankful for that. Plus nowadays I can stream and play video games with them, which is a lot of fun. I guess every now and then I still wish I could meet with them more and hang out or something, especially when they're going through hard times and wish I could be there for them when they need it. It may sound corny or whatever but the friends I have who like to spend time with me and like me just how I am are like treasures to me, because for such a long time I never had any but only wished I could.

 

On 2/21/2019 at 12:08 PM, Sure rants alot said:

 Have you ever sat with someone who gets really uncomfortable with your quietness? It might be a co-worker, a spouse, a relative.  They seem to perceive it as some kind of shortcoming on their part if you don't provide them some sort of constant validation of their presence.  The questions are, "are you Ok?", "are you mad at me?" "what are you thinking about?"  "Do you want to go do something?" "What are you reading?",  "Is something wrong?"  *sigh*...that is so draining.  I just want to scream "go get your own life and let me have my own."

Yeah, for real. It's nice to know if someone is concerned for me, but man does it drive me nuts when someone automatically assumes you're angry or something is wrong with you when you just want some peace and quiet. I've had many fights with parents and family members when they would try and force me to socialize with them, no matter how calm and polite I would try to be when declining. Every time my mother tells me how introverted she is and how she hates having to socialize, I can't help but wince a little at her hypocrisy (and the ol' "but we're family!!!" BS excuse).