My romantic orientation is a mess...so confused.

[Violet055]

So I've recently begun questioning my romantic orientation...a lot. I used to assume that I was heteroromantic and that's it, because I get "fascinations" with men...98% of the time they are celebrities. Only once (maybe twice) did it happen with men in real life. So these "fascinations" as I call them...maybe somewhere between a squish and a crush? Or maybe even just aesthetic attractions? So I never have typical romantic fantasies about them like cuddling or holding hands. I'm never even involved in these day dreams. Kind of awkward....but my "fantasies" are...I have a bit of a hurt/comfort fascination, as people who read fanfictions might recognize. Like a non-sexual kink, I guess. If I "fantasize" about someone, it's usually fantasizing that they are hurt emotionally or physically, and then someone comforts them. That person in the "fantasy" is never me. I'm never involved in these at all...kind of like a third-party fantasy. And I don't get off to them either. No sexual motivation or outcome at all. For these celebrity "fascinations" I will also feel a strong desire to watch them closely and learn everything I can about them, so I'll watch YouTube interviews on them all the time, see all their movies, that kind of thing. 

So then, moving on to real life "fascinations"...one, maybe two people. Person #1 I thought was attractive and mysterious and I really liked his voice. He seemed kind of sad and haunted, which always draws me in I suppose. I don't see him ever anymore, but when I went to school with him I felt this constant drive to watch him and learn everything I could about him. I wanted to know what he was into, who his friends were, etc. I remember following him in the hallway (that sounds creepy!) just kind of watching him and listening to his voice and trying to listen into conversations to learn more about him. Stalking his social media, the works. Again, I had the "hurt/comfort" fantasies about him as well. A strong one I remember was him being sad over something and being comforted by his best friend who went to our school also. Weird, I know...Again, no involvement from me in these fantasies. 

Now Person #2 was a little different. I really wasn't attracted to him physically in any way. But he had an interesting energy about him, very confident. I immediately liked his personality and found him funny and fun. I could tell he was flirting with me right away, and I think I enjoyed the attention. No fantasies or anything, but I remember really enjoying attention from him and going out of my way to talk to him. Would I date him? Probably, if he was asexual or not very into sex. But mostly for companionship, I really liked him as a person. I didn't have a strong desire to hold his hand or hug or anything, but it wouldn't be a bad thing either. I don't know. It's all so confusing. 

 

Now...onto my current boyfriend. I kind of fell into it. I was on ace-book.net and feeling so insecure that I would die alone, and he happened to be in my area and willing to grab a cup of coffee, and he liked me immediately. And so me being a wallflower went along with it. I have felt sporadic moments of what could be considered romantic attraction or love, possibly. Once or twice. I remember one really wonderful day when we were holding hands and I remembered looking over at him and thinking that I was so lucky to find someone like him who really gets me and listens to me and cares. But most of the time, 95% of the time I don't really feel anything. Hugging and cuddling I do for him, but I never really liked or disliked it, just neutral on it. I don't think about him throughout the day. Sometimes when he tries to hug me  or flirt I feel this strong repulsion in my gut and I feel like I hate him. This will sound terrible, but sometimes when he asks for a hug or tries to be cute I think of him as weak and gross and immediately become repulsed. It's odd, because it's not always like that. But I definitely don't really have romantic feelings for him most of the time. Usually, I am just neutral. If I'm not repulsed by his affection, I mostly just enjoy his company and consider him a good friend. 

 

One last thing to note...I don't think I've ever dated someone who I was extremely aesthetically attracted to. Maybe that has something to do with it? Although my aesthetic attractions to real-life people and not celebrities is somewhat rare. 

 

Okay, so here is this dumpster-fire of years worth of confusion. Any thoughts at all are more than appreciated. I'm so, so confused. 

[Denoscar]

Hello, I'll give my thoughts.
I can't say for certain what you are, but I have ideas.
You could be a Demiromantic, perhaps? Greyromantic?
Do you like him as a friend or something more?

Sorry I don't know what more to say on the matter right now.

[AVeryTakenUsername]

It sounds to me you have a lot of feelings and such to work out. Outright hate is a very, very strong thing to feel toward somebody who's doing something like hugging you, especially as someone you yourself labeled your current boyfriend. This is something you need to work out ASAP in my personal opinion. Out of fairness to yourself and also to him. I'm not trying to imply that you're wrong to be put off or even disgusted by acts of affection or things like that, but it's something to work out.

 

Is this something you'd feel okay with if it were with someone you were aesthetically attracted to? Is it just something you'll never feel okay with? Is there anything the two real life examples of people you had a fascination with had in common? Were they people you could see yourself more comfortable being hugged by or something else?

 

I don't mean to overload you with questions, but I think it's a matter of figuring out if your current lack of attraction is because it's your boyfriend you aren't attracted to, or anyone in general.

[Violet055]

Thank you both, these were things I needed to hear, I did see both of your responses two days ago but was still figuring things out and scared to even reply...but thank you, so much. 

 

I do have an update. I gathered up some courage, and while I couldn't admit my exact true feelings to him yet out of fear of hurting him...I did tell my boyfriend yesterday how I sometimes feel romance repulsed. He was a little confused and hurt, naturally. But it felt like a weight off my chest. And he didn't get rid of me then and there, so that's something. We're both currently in the stage of trying to figure out if this can work, he says he can't deny his feelings for me and that not being romantic could be painful for him. We're trying to find a way to compromise, because I value him so much as a human being and love him platonically. I didn't mean to come across as though I hate him. Truthfully I love him in a way, I just don't know if it's the same way he loves me. 

 

Again, thank you both for your replies I'm still open to any advice from others too. It's going to be a long road I'm sure. But I feel relieved being honest, and that's something.