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dbarnes

Being moody and depressed with lack of sex normal?

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dbarnes

Hello,

     I'm married to a woman who is asexual.  She came out a few years ago and I have tried my best to understand it and be supportive.  I have recently started to read books, and reach out and I feel like I have worked on myself to be more understanding.  That being said I am starting to question if the problem is still me.  I get moody when I don't get sex and even depressed sometimes.  We go weeks and sometimes months without sex, and she has even said certain forms of physical intimacy creep or gross her out.  For example if I give her a little peck on the neck/trapezium muscle area it really weirds her out.  I have stopped doing that since she brought it up (to be honest I sometimes forget and immediately apologize when I realize I did it).  Anyway that was a tangent.  My question is am I broken for getting moody or depressed with the lack of sex?  Am I the only one that goes through this and is it a normal response?  If it helps I'm a 33 year old male.

 

Thanks

 

 

 

Dan

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Jade Cross

Depends on who you ask. There are certainly cases of lack of sex leading to moodiness (though Im no expert and ace so take it with a grain of salt) although some would wager it comes less as a result of sex and more as a result of feeling inadequate. 

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Serran

It tends to be a stressor and an emotional need not being fulfilled, so yeah some mood changes are normal. 

 

Now, my ex used to get moody and say he was attracted to cardboard cutouts if we didnt have sex more than once a week, I considered that a tad excessive.

 

But months without an emotional need can be stressful, of course. 

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anisotrophic

Totally normal. My ace partner was the one who worked it out (actually his therapist says something like "it sounds like your partner is a lot happier after sex"). I feel stupid about it, but having sex improves my mood and I'm moody without it. I'm ashamed to admit it usually sets in after just a week (and I have my own thread where people tell me not to feel ashamed! I'm still thinking through that.)

 

@dbarnes I recommend you try your best to communicate with each other about how you might be hurting each other. Ace/sexual couples are rarely happy without a lot of communication and empathy.

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☆゚°˖* ᕕ( ᐛ )ᕗ

For me,the depression/moodiness sets in after like two weeks of no bonding.  Which happens occasionally because of the nature of his job.  I actually work for him, so I see him 4 days a week.  But we keep things professional at work.  Usually I get a hug when I get in and when I leave.  Occasionally a light rub on the arm throughout the day.  But yeah, if he's programming and on a deadline with a client, chances are I'm not seeing him for a while.  

 

I'm used to that sort of lifestyle.  My ex is also a programmer and even worked abroad for a while, but he would always make time to check in with me.  My current s/o is not good at that.  He has never had to do it before, and it's just a foreign concept to him.  I can only hope that he gets better over time with that.  But who can say.

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CBC

Entirely normal. For people who aren't asexual, it's a fairly vital part of a romantic relationship and important for psychological health and for feeling fully connected to your partner. Without a healthy sexual component, it's very common to feel rejected, hurt and miserable, and to be moody as a result.

 

I'm sorry you're going through this. But yes, rest assured it's definitely a normal response.

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uhtred

Yup, pretty normal.  For many people a regular good sex life is required for them to be happy. I'm that way. 

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Telecaster68

It's not only normal, it's the essence of the problem with sexual/asexual relationships. Sexuals get moody and depressed if they don't have sex in a relationship; asexuals get moody and depressed if they do have sex in a relationship.

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ryn2

...or anxious and panicky, or whatever their default “setting” is when they’re in a stressful, unfulfilling situation.

 

”They” meaning both sexuals and asexuals...

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SCPDX

I would go so far as to say that you’d be abnormal if you weren’t moody and depressed about it at least some of the time. 

 

It sounds like you’re doing everything you can be doing - understanding the situation, working on yourself, focusing on what’s good in your marriage, etc. That can get you to a point where you can function without being moody and depressed *all* the time. 

 

However, it’s expecting too much of yourself not to be moody or depressed *some* of the time. Coming to the realization that you’re married to someone who is uninterested in you physically is devastating. And it’s not like there’s a lot of support out there.

 

Also, if your wife isn’t done expressing all she’s uncomfortable with and starts taking even more affection off the table (like my wife), that’s going to hurt you more and require more readjustment on your part. 

 

Anyway, it really sucks and I’m sorry you’re going through this. PM me if you want. 

 

 

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sexoholic

I can state that the emotional state is connected with sex frequency and particularly depends on it. 

 

My advice to all who is going to get married, clarify your partner's attitude to the questions which is matter for you BEFORE getting married, since it may cause problems later...

 

not that I'm trying to promote it, but jerking really may solve this issue for someone it works quite well! 

as for the men's part, I can clearly state that renewing your sperm frequently is biologically necessary to keep the totally healthy lifestyle

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MrDane

I move towards a state of depression, when I feel unable to deal with/cope with our sexual incombatibility. I want to be loved and I want to have love in my life. I want intimacy. And I want sex. And I require/demand that my partner works with me on finding a solution to prevent me from being depressed/stressed out. I will naturally work heartfelt on her happyness as well.

 

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