Partner cross dressing

[Rachelink]

Hey all. Want to start off by apologising; I left aven a while ago because I felt that I couldn’t repair my relationship. A few people posted and I’m very grateful for the posts - thank you :’) 

anyhoo I’m back. I feel very... stuck. My partner has been very ill recently, he has schizophrenia and his workers aren’t really doing shit. Anyhow I can’t help him with that. But he’s now cross dressing. He told me a couple months ago he’s bi sexual which is fine. It’s just I feel the cross dressing is part of him being ill? Maybe not, I dunno. I’ve tried talking to him about this but he said no. BUT he’s ill! I’ve looked online for cross dressing help but there’s nothing for C D and schizophrenia. I really don’t no what to do. We have a deal that when we go out together he dresses as a man but he’s not really sticking to it as he’s wearing women’s jewellery and a women’s coat and boots. Also, when we first met (10 years ago) he wasn’t well mentally and he was cross dressing. Then his mental health got better with different meds. Now he’s been very ill mentally and he’s back to cross dressing. Also, he stopped smoking and drinking, sorted out his money and was mainting his flat etc when he was well. All that has gone. His flat is in a terrible state, he owes me and his sister money, he’s smoking and drinking (I know it legal but I’m just trying to explain the change, it’s not just the C D). 

Can anyone relate to this? Any advice? I find it difficult to make a decision about staying with him as I have my own mental health problems. I want my partner back. It’s like he’s not him anymore. I just can’t seem to make a decision and stick to it. If I break up with him I miss him so so badly and then I get back with him. Also, he always leaves it up to me about us staying together or breaking up. I’ve asked him to get the ball rolling with couples counselling but I know he won’t. (I can not access couples counselling through mental health channels as my social worker is off sick then when she comes back she’s going to discharge me). Ugh. Please please someone relate to this?! 

Thanks for reading my long post. Also, I’m sorry again for leaving AVEN like I did. I know several people read my posts and replied and I really really appreciate it. I left as I honestly thought I was going to end things. But hey, still here fighting away. Thank you everyone. 

Rachel. 

[Guest]

Maybe the cross dressing helps him feel better when he is down ? Or is a way of having a mask on, so he feels more able to take on the world. Or maybe it is something he always wants to do, but represses when he is well and cant be bothered to put the effort in to repress it when not ?Does it bother you that much that he goes out in womens clothes ? Has he said its something he always wants to do? 

 

I mean, I have dated people that present as another gender out and they tended to care less about hiding it when depressed cause they stopped caring about the world. But its always a thing they want, even when hiding it. The depression just stops them caring if people find out. 

[gaogao]

Cross-dressing is not a mental illness nor is it a commonly accepted symptom of any mental illness. It also has nothing to do with sexuality.

 

It's possible that your partner has issues with gender or gender presentation that they find less easy to cope with while unwell, or as Serran says they may care less about hiding when unwell. There is nothing wrong with cross-dressing in itself and it would be better to encourage your partner to be open rather than repress these particular issues, which will add to their mental burdens and likely make them more unwell.

 

IMO the other things you mention such as being unable to handle money, getting into debt and not keeping house are way more concerning. Excessive use of alcohol or tobacco are also bigger issues. If you can perhaps help them "get the ball rolling" with therapy  (edit: not necessarily couples therapy, but some kind of mental health support) they may be able to recover enough to think about and consider any issues with gender or gender presentation they might have. Either way, cross-dressing isn't that big a deal. It's the other stuff that your partner probably needs help with. 

 

You need to take care of yourself first, though. Deciding whether you want to stay with your partner or not is a decision you should make and stick with properly - it's not going to make it easier for you OR your partner if they're always wondering whether you want to stay or not...

 

(Another Edit: I read one of your other threads and am super concerned about a few things with the dynamic in your relationship...  Some of the things your partner has said sound like red flags for manipulation to me, so cross-dressing definitely seems like one of the smallest issues here. I hope that you are safe. I'm also in the UK so if you need any local advice i'll do my best to assist)

[Rachelink]

Thank you for your replies. I know that CD in itself is not a mental illness; it’s not. I want him to be able to express himself and be comfortable. One of my conecerns is if I go outside with him and someone says something he’s going to react violently. It scares me. I’ve seen a side to him I never knew existed. Mental health services are really bad at the mo. He has a support worker and a CPN but they are doing nothing. His cpn gives him his depo and that’s it. His support worker helps him by taking him out for a coffee sometimes and does other stuff but nothing seems to come of it, for example he’s done a budget but he’s not trying to stick to it. I have tried and tried to get through to his cpn but the guy never gets back to me (I always have to leave a message with the receptionist). I know that my partner is lucky to have even this support, so many people are desperate and have no one. The smoking and drinking is another step toward him doing drugs again. (Another red flag) I can’t help him with this! It’s his workers. Your right in that I need to make a decision and stick to it, it’s not fair on him at all. I want to help him and I love him so much  I’m wondering can I handle him cross dressing because of concerns of him reacting to people? But I think it’s more than that. It’s... strange to see him dressed up after 10 years of him being a manly guy. I think I need to try harder to accept him more. It’s interesting you say about when he’s down maybe he doesn’t care about hiding it; that makes a lot of sense. I need to take some time and see if I can accept him no matter how he dresses. But then there’s all the other things with him. I will try and ring his cpn again and see if I can push him to do their job. Do you think couples counselling could help us? Or should I be push push pushing the mental health side of things instead? Do we even need couples counselling? 🤔 

[Guest]

Honestly... from your other posts and this one I would say get out of the relationship. He has issues you cant solve, its not fair for you to even feel you need to try. He needs to be dedicated to fixing himself with the professional help he has - help only works if you truly want to change.

 

He is being violent and unstable and abusive to you. By staying you do him no favors, it is enabling him to be supportive and loving while he tries to break down your door and such. He wont want to change until he loses enough to see his path isnt a good one. 

 

You dont need to stay with someone you fear because you feel responsible. You arent responsible for him.

[lillyloveless]

My uncle has schizophrenia and coincidentally, also cross-dresses. But he only cross-dresses really when he's very ill. He lives in hospital permanently (we tried to help him to live independently, but he accidentally burnt his flat down after falling asleep with a lit cigarette, and he kept letting random people in who would rob him) and I'm not particularly close with him as he isolates himself from our family, so I admittedly don't know much about it.

 

My dad says that his brother's cross-dressing existed somewhat before his schizophrenia hit him in his 20s (like as a little boy, he used to try on my gran's shoes etc). And that the cross-dressing comforts him, so when he's doing really poorly, he seems to compensate by cross-dressing more? 

 

In the past when he's been really unwell he's demanded my father pay for his sex change surgery because he hallucinates that God visits him and tells him he needs to be a woman named Crystal. But then when he's more stable, he doesn't mention anything about wanting a sex change. So it's very hard to know if the surgery is something he actually really wants (like an inner wish he keeps under wraps, that he then only rarely expresses when he's extra unwell and his defenses are down?) or if it's just part of his long series-of-conversations-with-God-delusions. Because according to him, God loves knock-knock jokes and thinks all surfers should be declared saints, so you honestly just can't tell! Schizophrenia is a complicated illness... 

[gaogao]

On 2/18/2019 at 4:37 PM, Rachelink said:

One of my conecerns is if I go outside with him and someone says something he’s going to react violently. It scares me.

oof, sorry for missing your reply, I haven't really gotten any notifs and was super busy.

 

Personally, this quoted bit is something that concerns me. It's a big red flag to read that you are worried that your partner will become violent when you are out together, whatever the reason.

 

While it is good for you to examine your thoughts about whether you need to be more tolerant of your partner's gender presentation, given you are more used to them presenting as a manly man - you should NEVER be worrying about them being violent! This is a much bigger issue.... gender harassment is horrible and i feel for your partner in having to deal with it but it isn't something they should be answering to with physical violence that frightens the people close to them!!!!

 

And honestly, from your other threads I would agree with Serran. It'd be better for you to break up with your partner so that you can focus on your own mental health and developing independence and self-sufficiency. You should not feel responsible for your partner, nor should you be dependent on them, and vice-versa. It sounds to me like there is more going on here than you can handle. Please stay safe. 

 

With regards to your question about couples counselling. Couples counselling only works when both parties are able to engage with it 100% and make the commitments and do the work that the counsellor will set. Your partner cannot even hold down a budget or deal with their own mental health problems at present, I do not think they are ready for couples counselling until they can get themselves on the right path and have the mental space to think about you and how their actions affect you as well. 

 

I hope this is helpful...

[Rachelink]

On 2/19/2019 at 4:01 AM, lillyloveless said:

Sorry I’m still getting used to forums and how to reply etc! @lillyloveless I’m sorry about your uncle, schizophrenia is very confusing and a horrible illness (like all mental health problems). From what you’ve said it sounds like permanent hospital is the best place for your uncle. I’m not sure if the C Ding comforts my bf? I asked him does it turn him on? He said no. I asked him because he wears bras and panties (is that what all CDers do?) the surgery thing -I asked himdoes he want to be a woman but he said no. He is going to gay bars and he joked about picking up a man. To be honest the way I feel right now, it wouldn’t surprise me if he does hook up with someone else. I know that I don’t give him anything sexual, I don’t know if I’d even be hurt? He’s changed so much, but is it mental illness or is it him changing as a person? When he was ‘well’ he isolated himself from his family, apart from his sister but now he can’t get out enough and see her and his other family members (which is a good thing I think coz then they can try and get him help). Will he ever go back to guy I fell in love with? 

[Rachelink]

@gaogao @Serran I hear both of you. You make a lot of sense. What you said about couples counselling - yeah your right there too. Ugh 😑 it’s so sad. It’s been nearly 10 years. I will think on this a lot. I don’t want to do the whole break up thing and then want to get back together, as you’ve said before it’s not fair on him. The whole ‘be friends’ thing wouldn’t work. Have you any advice on how to keep being split up? If you get what I mean - the self sufficiency thing. 

I don’t want to break up with him, but what your saying makes sense. But what if something terrible happens to him?! I do feel responsible and I can’t change that. Is this kinda responsible feeling the same what you have in ‘normal’ relationships? 

I’ve been hiding from all of this, being away from AVEN and just trying to maintain things. 

Is there any way he might go back to who he was? I don’t mean just with CDing but with him as a whole person?? I think I’m hanging on to the maybe he will change back thing. Thank you for all your replies I appreciate it. 

[Guest]

1 hour ago, Rachelink said:

@gaogao @Serran I hear both of you. You make a lot of sense. What you said about couples counselling - yeah your right there too. Ugh 😑 it’s so sad. It’s been nearly 10 years. I will think on this a lot. I don’t want to do the whole break up thing and then want to get back together, as you’ve said before it’s not fair on him. The whole ‘be friends’ thing wouldn’t work. Have you any advice on how to keep being split up? If you get what I mean - the self sufficiency thing. 

I don’t want to break up with him, but what your saying makes sense. But what if something terrible happens to him?! I do feel responsible and I can’t change that. Is this kinda responsible feeling the same what you have in ‘normal’ relationships? 

I’ve been hiding from all of this, being away from AVEN and just trying to maintain things. 

Is there any way he might go back to who he was? I don’t mean just with CDing but with him as a whole person?? I think I’m hanging on to the maybe he will change back thing. Thank you for all your replies I appreciate it. 

You always feel a little responsible for your partner, but it sounds kind of like maybe you two have a little codependency going on there that needs to be broken. If something happens to him, that's on him. As it is going right now, it's likely something bad will happen to both of you. He needs a wake up call and you can't give it to him. He needs to discover that on his own. 

 

How to stay broken up... just avoid the person as much as possible, stay strong, use your own mental health support and friends/family to help you. 

 

We should never cling to the hope a partner will change. After 10 years, it's normal for us to grow apart from people, if we aren't super compatible. And he will likely keep changing as his mental health issues go up and down. So who knows what he will settle down to become. Who knows if he'll decide he needs to work with the help or not. That's all on him.

 

All you can do is decide what is best for you. You aren't his mother. You aren't his guardian. You are meant to be his partner, but that doesn't mean you have to fear him or deal with abuse nonsense. 

[gaogao]

13 hours ago, Rachelink said:

I do feel responsible and I can’t change that. Is this kinda responsible feeling the same what you have in ‘normal’ relationships? 

Not to the extent that you seem to feel responsible. I do feel responsible for my partner a little bit, but she can make her own choices and if she makes a bad choice it's really not my responsibility or burden. I can't control what she does and she can't expect me to take on her responsibilities. I mean, we're two separate people and we support each other, but ultimately we are responsible for ourselves. 

 

I know what I say sounds so simple but it's something I've struggled with a lot to understand. As Serran says, it sounds like you might have some issues with co-dependency which I definitely also have had in the past and still sometimes struggle with. it might be worth looking into and talking to your therapist about.

 

13 hours ago, Rachelink said:

I think I’m hanging on to the maybe he will change back thing.

IMO you should never hang on to the idea that someone will change, whether it's them changing for the better or changing back to what they were. If you are with someone you should love them for who they are and not who you want them to be.... even if they used to be that person and aren't anymore. I think if someone you love changes drastically you really do need to take a step back and reassess the relationship. You really shouldn't be spending all your energy trying to keep it together or make it look like the past - It's not healthy or sustainable.

 

14 hours ago, Rachelink said:

Have you any advice on how to keep being split up?

I think Serran is right about this ^^; AFAIK are no tips for staying broken up aside from just avoid the ex and find your own support network. Focus on yourself. I've never broken up with anyone in a romantic sense but I've lost many good "best friends" and friend groups because they changed or I changed and i think finding another outlet and building new friendships is the best way. IRL would be the best so I would definitely talk to your own mental health support if you can - but if you're struggling with local stuff, even just talking to people here about random things is good. There are also ace discord servers you can join if you want, (if you don't know discord -it's a sort of instant messaging/chat program) I have found one that I really enjoy being in and it's pretty chill to make friends there - DM me if you'd like an invite  

 

I'd also maybe pick up a hobby and try to connect with people who do that hobby... If you end up in a stable place I'd even recommend getting a pet if you can afford the upkeep. I have a couple of guinea pigs from a rescue and it has been amazing for my mental health to try and remember I need to take care of myself so that i can take care of them. Sometimes they live better than I do but it feels like an achievement to clean their cage and hear them squeak happily, y'know?

[ryn2]

8 hours ago, gaogao said:

IMO you should never hang on to the idea that someone will change, whether it's them changing for the better or changing back to what they were. If you are with someone you should love them for who they are and not who you want them to be.... even if they used to be that person and aren't anymore.

This.  People continually grow and change and they may not do so in ways that make them more compatible with you.  Addressing the immediate problem - uncontrolled mental health issues, substance abuse, or what have you - doesn’t always mean the person “resets” to the way they once were.

[Xstatic]

They're right. Waiting for someone to change back to who they were isn't healthy for you. And it is not your responsibility to keep lifting them up and supporting them.

 

Believe me, I've been there, and it doesn't end well.

 

Please don't stay in a situation where your physical and mental well-being is at stake.  Their happiness should never be at the expense of you.

[Rachelink]

Thank you all for your replies. You make a lot of sense, it’s hard to hear though but it’s the truth and I’m facing up to it. Sorry for the delay in replying. 

It’s such a difficult decision to make. I wrote a long email today to my support worker; she’s going to write a letter of complaint to the powers that be. Maybe this will help my partner get the help he desperately needs. I would feel too guilty to leave him right now. Yes, you all make sense and I am listening. But if something were to happen to him I would never forgive myself. Yes, it shouldn’t be my responsibility but to be factual it is. It would be abandoning him when he needs help and support and he’s not getting it. Waiting for him to change back; maybe he never will and your right that I shouldn’t stick around to see if he does. People do change in relationships  - that’s something I’ve only just learned as I got with him when I was 19 (28 now) so it’s been a long time. Plus he’s my first partner. Damn sure he’ll be the last too. I’m not afraid to be alone at least I don’t think so? But I’m afraid for him. I cannot switch off all my feelings and my thoughts about him. It’s a tough situation isn’t it? 

The ones to blame here are the mental health services. He gets to see a CPN for 10mins a fortnight and nothing is being done. He sees a support worker too but the support worker is a trained professional like the cpn is. Fuck knows when he will be able to see a psychiatrist. 

On another note - maybe I can adapt to him being this way? Or am I just clutching at straws? There’s been no violence or emotional blackmail for a few months now. And I know that was because he was unwell. But yeah I still worry about it returning but maybe the trust can be built up again, actually the trust is building again - slowly. 

I know he loves me so so much. And I love him. All this shit that’s happened is because of his mental health, not coz he’s nasty or anything. It’s the mental health services that have let him down, and in turn let me down. I am so so angry at them. He almost fucking died because of them! Literally! Anyhow I won’t get into a rant about that shit (anyone relate?)

I should be moving soon, I’ve bid on a lovely flat but it doesn’t allow pets. I would love to have a dog :) maybe I can get another pet that they’ll allow, I get what you said @gaogao

I’m not going to give up now. He is worth it to hold on and try my best to get him the help he needs. It’s simple - if the mental health services had helped him and done their fucking jobs then none of this would have happened but what do they care?! Fuck all. I love him so much. I believe I can make this work with him, I really do. 

I take on board what you all have said and now I’ve thought through what you’ve all said. I feel more...settled in my decision to keep fighting. Also, I have your insights and it’s making me think a lot, and I feel like I know the warning signs if that makes sense. 

Thank you all again :’) 

[Rachelink]

Hey guys. I’ve just re read all the posts on this thread. My support worker has helped me do a letter and I’ve posted it to his GP, CPN and support worker. I’ve been trying to accept him as is, but I cannot. Your right about the responsibility thing and you know what it really pisses me off! It all pisses me off. I need to break up with him. Again. Fuck sake I need to stay away from him. I’m moving soon which is good, makes me anxious though but I’ll manage 🤔

I don’t know if anyone will read this but I want to write this. 

When I leave him (which will probably be tomorrow - Monday 11th) ((fuck that sounds so clinical)) I will be upset but I’ll also be lonely maybe. I don’t have anyone apart from him and my support workers. I don’t socialise... not for lack of trying in the past though. Anyway that’s another story. I will learn to be on my own and in a way I kinda like the idea... cutting off the responsibility of him, not having to worry. I know in my last post I said I was going to try and make it work. Well, I did try. And it’s not. 

Thank you for the offer of the social network thing @gaogao. I shy away from things like that. The only reason I signed up to AVEN was desperatation and wanting to learn and find people who can relate regarding asexuality etc. 

 

[Rachelink]

Hi again. 

I spoke to a friend and we talked things through and I told her I was going to break it off with him. After that I texted him that I didn’t want to meet for coffee tomorrow. He rang me and asked me where is the relationship going? So we talked and we’ve ended things amicable I think and hope. I am worried about him getting upset and angry and coming round to mine like last time trying to kick my door in but in the phone call I tried to make it both our decision, not just me ending it. I think that’s how it went. So it was meant to be tomorrow but it’s done with now. I hope he will get the help he needs mentally and in his personal life. I know he was finding the no sex things difficult; we talked about that too. I hope he finds happiness with someone and I hope that his mental health problems will eventually be treated correctly. 

[ryn2]

I’m glad you were able to end it fairly peacefully!

[Rachelink]

@ryn2 Yeah me too. Thank you 

[gaogao]

Hang in there @Rachelink please do reach out to others in the ace community for support if you need to or when you feel ready - it sounds like things have ended fairly peacefully and i really really hope you can move on and focus on yourself. 

 

Sending you good thoughts.

[Rachelink]

@gaogao thank you