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Shame about seeking & receiving sex


anisotrophic

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Can you please stay on topic. Thanks, Skycaptain moderator TGA 

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Guest Jetsun Milarepa

Sorry, I was only posting your own comment and broadly agreeing with it.

Nobody should feel ashamed for seeking and receiving sex.

 

It's just that there are so many sites, finding the appropriate one where support for the right issue is the most important thing.

Apologies for my colourful vernacular above!

 

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On 3/23/2019 at 3:58 PM, anamikanon said:

When we were LDR, it was way better, because he was here only in brief spurts, so his visit was over before he was overwhelmed or I was frustrated.

This actually seems like it would work well for mixed couples in general... but probably only before they know they are mixed.  I’d guess that once they know one partner is ace and the other is sexual the more typical

concerns over not feeling heard, feeling pressured, feeling creepy, etc., would still set in and interfere with both the LD portion and the brief in-person times.

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23 hours ago, ryn2 said:

This actually seems like it would work well for mixed couples in general... but probably only before they know they are mixed.  I’d guess that once they know one partner is ace and the other is sexual the more typical

concerns over not feeling heard, feeling pressured, feeling creepy, etc., would still set in and interfere with both the LD portion and the brief in-person times.

You are probably right, but the separate bedrooms thing also helped us resolve a lot of stress with the mismatch. At least for us, the presence of the other is often a trigger for being very aware of the mismatch.

 

For that matter, he was briefly hurt by me acting distant, I was briefly confused and pressured to act sexual without being in a sexual relationship, etc. We slept apart two nights and are again gold. Well, there is more to it than that, but the general summary is that when the mismatch gets overwhelming, some space really, really helps find ourselves and begin talking from there.

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Yeah, I was thinking more that a mixed LDR might be permanently sustainable... but only if the people in it didn’t know.

 

In real life what probably happens is more similar to what happened to you - the LDR goes well, so both partners work to make an in-person relationship a reality, and *then* they discover they have a signifcant incompatibility.

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anisotrophic
2 hours ago, ryn2 said:

the LDR goes well, so both partners work to make an in-person relationship a reality, and *then* they discover they have a signifcant incompatibility

haha yuuuuup

 

But we're super good together in so many other ways! :)

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I think LDR (whether it be defined as separate bedrooms, homes, cities or other) is hugely beneficial to any relationship, mixed or not.  As long as both parties have enough face time, the space can be a rejuvenating benefit.

 

I often joke with my lover about the unstructured future on which we both agree: He would continue to live his life, me mine and us ours.  We have enough flexibility in ways that matter to establish things to our liking.  I like “me time”, he likes his space, and then we seek each other throughout our days.  The only TBD would be health matters and access  - our attorneys could deal with that via directives, but that’s far down the road and assumes life as structured today makes an unexpected and sharp turn left....

 

...which is completely unnecessary.  Things work as is, and we are already LDR. The status quo has all those benefits!  

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I was abused as a kid, so I totally get it @anisotrophic.

 

I have terrible conflicts about sex and affection. In wanting it, having it, I become both the abuser and the victim at the same time.

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1 hour ago, warrior said:

I was abused as a kid, so I totally get it @anisotrophic.

 

I have terrible conflicts about sex and affection. In wanting it, having it, I become both the abuser and the victim at the same time.

Also raises hand. 

 

I have an incredibly hard time expressing any interest in sex unless the other person is equally excited about it. I have a lot of weird issues... though they've definitely lessened with time... but this is probably the biggest remaining residue. I feel like a rapist if I feel any coercion at all. Basically means that I can't be with someone with responsive desire because I'm unable to jumpstart theirs. 

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1 hour ago, Traveler40 said:

I think LDR (whether it be defined as separate bedrooms, homes, cities or other) is hugely beneficial to any relationship, mixed or not.  As long as both parties have enough face time, the space can be a rejuvenating benefit.

I think it depends on the people involved and on what they seek in relationships.  I want someone to share the practical day-to-day aspects - I already have plenty of good long-distance friends I can run ideas by, commiserate with, emotionally support and feel supported by - so a LDR doesn’t make sense for me.  Other people are looking for other things that LDRs satisfy adequately (or even best).

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26 minutes ago, Skullery Maid said:

Basically means that I can't be with someone with responsive desire because I'm unable to jumpstart theirs

The “why” behind your feeling this way really, really sucks, but this is a good thing to know about yourself.

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anisotrophic
2 hours ago, warrior said:

I was abused as a kid, so I totally get it @anisotrophic.

 

I have terrible conflicts about sex and affection. In wanting it, having it, I become both the abuser and the victim at the same time.

 

1 hour ago, Skullery Maid said:

Also raises hand. 

 

I have an incredibly hard time expressing any interest in sex unless the other person is equally excited about it.

I wasn't -- I'm sorry these things happened to you. :(

My spontaneous desire kept us going over the years, but that was before I knew. I'm not sure it's going to keep going, or what that would mean. He seemed reassured when I asked recently.

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