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Shame about seeking & receiving sex

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CBC

Uh huh, I'm sure you are.

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Guest Jetsun Milarepa

@CBC...why are you so upset? 

 

I have no vendetta against anyone here. 

I just take exception to being attacked continuously as any sensible human being would.

I've no idea how I'm attacking someone who can't defend themselves. An adult with full mental capacity has to be responsible for themselves and I am fully responsible for my actions. I expect others here to also be responsible for theirs.

Sheesh, I haven't even been looking in aven all week, too busy most of the time, so .....

 

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user23974865
7 minutes ago, chandrakirti said:

I have no vendetta against anyone here. 

Your actions tell a different story.

 

7 minutes ago, chandrakirti said:

I've no idea how I'm attacking someone who can't defend themselves.

This seems to imply that you realize you are personally attacking someone. That's, let's say, not very nice.

 

21 minutes ago, chandrakirti said:

For someone who's been so nice to so many aces on here...sorry!!!

It's not supposed to be a "team ace versus team not-ace" thing. Or at least I hope it isn't, or else I would have to leave the site, because I'm both and I'm neither. And I really don't like to be in the middle of shit-flinging fights anyway, and I assume most everyone else doesn't either.

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iff

Please, can we stay on the topic of the thread rather than discussing members.

 

Iff,

Moderator, sexual partners, friends & allies

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CBC

@chandrakirti I find your behaviour and vindictiveness irritating and you seemed to follow me around a bit last year with a similar attitude after some disagreements, to the point that I asked someone (in my offline life) if I should be reporting you for being stalkerish. It didn't last long enough to bother (you and I both got nudges as a result of some sort of interaction), but you seem to have a pattern with people and a particular obsession with Tele now. I'm aware his comments to you have been snarky at times, yeah. But you could let it go instead of behaving like a gloating kid since he's been suspended and there's no real audience for your feelings and you're messing up an actual discussion here.

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anisotrophic

Wow, that was a disappointing set of updates to catch up on.

 

In other news, I'm attempting to read a fiction book, and the sex scenes (for want of a more eloquent term) are annoying. Annoying reminder of the issue, annoying to see assumptions of universal sexuality. But I'm 80% in now, I feel like I have to finish. Grumble.

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ryn2

While I’m sorry some find them upsetting, I personally appreciate the varied opinions from posters with different perspectives.  It would not have occurred to me without others’ feedback that something seemingly (to me) innocuous like playing along with a card game (the purpose of which is largely to entertain by one-upping and shocking) could read as actual intent (and thus be hurtful).

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user23974865

I've learned to not underestimate how much other people will misinterpret my behavior. Proof abounds that I still underestimate it anyway... It's like I'm a mirror for what people want to see in me (for better or worse). My motivations are just not aligned with those of a regular human.

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Serran
1 hour ago, ryn2 said:

While I’m sorry some find them upsetting, I personally appreciate the varied opinions from posters with different perspectives.  It would not have occurred to me without others’ feedback that something seemingly (to me) innocuous like playing along with a card game (the purpose of which is largely to entertain by one-upping and shocking) could read as actual intent (and thus be hurtful).

Yeah CaH is... less than PG and I would personally take none of it seriously. Trying to make it fit the judge's interests is the whole point of the game. 

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ryn2
30 minutes ago, Serran said:

Yeah CaH is... less than PG and I would personally take none of it seriously. Trying to make it fit the judge's interests is the whole point of the game. 

That’s been my thought but it’s interesting to hear that some do take it seriously, or at least find their partners’ responses upsetting.

 

I wouldn’t say some of the things others reported hearing from their partners, but some of that’s just because I’m not a guy.  I’ve definitely fired back joking (to me) remarks like “don’t stick it out if you’re not going to use it” when someone sticks out their tongue at me, and probably reacted to (what I thought were just general interest) discussions in hurtful ways.

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user23974865
6 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

I’ve definitely fired back joking (to me) remarks like “don’t stick it out if you’re not going to use it” when someone sticks out their tongue at me

In your own case, where do you feel that that comes from?

 

I'm just as puzzled as others here as to why someone would act/react that way when they would never really mean what they're jokingly implying. Though I'm not sure if the reasons why it puzzles me are the same. It might just be because of my autistic-like traits. Either way, sex talk of any kind IRL makes me very uncomfortable, and my reaction is always to change the subject as fast as possible.

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Kimmie.

Being in a relationship with a ace as a sexual sounds horrible. I don´t want to put anyone through that.

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anamikanon
12 hours ago, chandrakirti said:

 

This implies that the poster was never married to an ace at all and is posting here knowing this to be the case, which IMHO disqualifies him from this site.

Last year many posts were made concering this wife being ace. 

The above quotes prove this to be otherwise.

 

Not really. My ace too talks about sex very easily. In conversation you wouldn't realize he's ace at all, unless he out and out said it. Or the dicussion moved to actual preferences rather than general conversation. Even then, he'd probably easily talk about not having a preference and it would take quite some experience of such discussions (and no action) to realize that when he says he has no preference, he's actually saying he's not into sex at all.

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anisotrophic
7 hours ago, ryn2 said:

It would not have occurred to me without others’ feedback that something seemingly (to me) innocuous like playing along with a card game (the purpose of which is largely to entertain by one-upping and shocking) could read as actual intent (and thus be hurtful).

It definitely would not have occurred to be that failing to follow up on joking innuendo would be cited as evidence that the individual is sexual.

 

That is such a bizarre interpretation, I can only conclude that it was a poorly-reasoned hijack of conversation, not intended to further the thread's conversation or seek understanding.

 

Hence, disappointing.

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ryn2
5 hours ago, burobu said:

In your own case, where do you feel that that comes from?

Other people saying it and getting a laugh.

 

5 hours ago, burobu said:

sex talk of any kind IRL makes me very uncomfortable, and my reaction is always to change the subject as fast as possible.

Sex talk in the sense of “talking dirty” during sex, or in the sense of talking non-theoretically about sex that’s including (or soon going to include) me, makes me very uncomfortable.

 

Sex talk in the sense of talking about sex in general, or even about past sex including me, doesn’t bother me at all.

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ryn2
40 minutes ago, anisotrophic said:

It definitely would not have occurred to be that failing to follow up on joking innuendo would be cited as evidence that the individual is sexual.

Agreed.  I meant tele’s (and others’) original comment about how angry his wife’s sexual innuendos left him.

 

I read the follow-on comment to state that his wife’s meaning the innuendos - actually wanting to take part in a threesome - was proof she was sexual.

 

What I was trying to say was that I personally found tele’s angry response to his wife’s innendos (and the discussion that immediately followed) helpful because the whole concept that some people playing CAH - or even just talking generally about sex (in a group setting, in the hypothetical, in reference to sex in the media or that others had) - might be revealing or trying to bring up their own wants and preferences is completely new to me.

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anisotrophic

@ryn2 I think it is understood to be revealing/reflective of a person's sexuality, yes. Look at it this way? If someone made gay innuendos as a joke, it would be reasonable to suspect they are signaling they are gay. At least, it seems so to me?

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ryn2
8 minutes ago, anisotrophic said:

@ryn2 I think it is understood to be revealing/reflective of a person's sexuality, yes. Look at it this way? If someone made gay innuendos as a joke, it would be reasonable to suspect they are signaling they are gay. At least, it seems so to me?

Huh.  To me, someone making (non-judgmental, not mocking) gay innuendos as a joke just reads as them being gay-friendly/not homophobic.  

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anisotrophic
1 minute ago, ryn2 said:

Huh.  To me, someone making (non-judgmental, not mocking) gay innuendos as a joke just reads as them being gay-friendly/not homophobic.  

To be clear, if someone male makes a joke about how he might end up in bed with another guy, yeah I'd think he's signaling he's into sex with men.

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ryn2
38 minutes ago, anisotrophic said:

To be clear, if someone male makes a joke about how he might end up in bed with another guy, yeah I'd think he's signaling he's into sex with men.

Unless it was in the context of other behavior and information I would just think he was comfortable thinking about men having sex with one another.  Even kind-of-crass stuff like “heck, after a few more shots *I’d* do him” just read as jokes to me.  I wouldn’t take that as an actual interest on the speaker’s part in having sex with the subject of the discussion.

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ryn2

(I mean, I will wonder about it now that others here have expressed a completely different perspective, but I wouldn’t have prior to this week)

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Serran
36 minutes ago, anisotrophic said:

To be clear, if someone male makes a joke about how he might end up in bed with another guy, yeah I'd think he's signaling he's into sex with men.

You would think every heterosexual male I have dated is gay then if you talked to them. :lol:

 

I guess it depends on personality? Every one of my friends and exes and current partner make jokes about sex and sexual innuendos. My current partner and I began our friendship with joking about sex, we still joke about stuff we wouldn't do in a million years (it was really fun to do it in public when we were not into each other). At one point I jokingly offered towel pictures, she played along accepting and I sent a picture of a folding up towel on a shelf. It was just good fun between friends at that point. She also jokes about sex with her best friend, though she has no sexual interest in him. And... basically everyone she knows. Some people I know even joke about their family and they are not into incest (find it gross). 

 

I dunno. If I took it seriously I would have to be jealous a lot I guess. But, I never have, so my wife joking sexual innuendo towards even an ex-lover is just that... jokes. Same with all the straight guys I know who joke about having sex with their male friends. And girls who joke about each other. Maybe it is the younger culture I grew up in? Maybe it is because a lot of people I know are gamers and its a common thing in gaming communities ? But all the sexuals I know joke about things they have no interest in at all, just for laughs or as a way to bond with friends (and two guys flirting makes people squirm so its funny). 

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ryn2
4 minutes ago, Serran said:

You would think every heterosexual male I have dated is gay then if you talked to them. :lol:

 

I guess it depends on personality? Every one of my friends and exes and current partner make jokes about sex and sexual innuendos. My current partner and I began our friendship with joking about sex, we still joke about stuff we wouldn't do in a million years (it was really fun to do it in public when we were not into each other). At one point I jokingly offered towel pictures, she played along accepting and I sent a picture of a folding up towel on a shelf. It was just good fun between friends at that point. She also jokes about sex with her best friend, though she has no sexual interest in him. And... basically everyone she knows. Some people I know even joke about their family and they are not into incest (find it gross). 

 

I dunno. If I took it seriously I would have to be jealous a lot I guess. But, I never have, so my wife joking sexual innuendo towards even an ex-lover is just that... jokes. Same with all the straight guys I know who joke about having sex with their male friends. And girls who joke about each other. Maybe it is the younger culture I grew up in? Maybe it is because a lot of people I know are gamers and its a common thing in gaming communities ? But all the sexuals I know joke about things they have no interest in at all, just for laughs or as a way to bond with friends (and two guys flirting makes people squirm so its funny). 

This is much more in line with my experience, and I’m old and not really part of a gamer crowd.

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ryn2

A geeky crowd, sure...

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Traveler40

Side note: Been tied up with life for a bit here and am just catching up.  Life ain’t the same on AVEN without Tele. I’m sorry to hear he’s been temporarily sidelined.  Separately, the CaH comments were en pointe and made sense in context which, in no way,  disqualifies his wife as an Ace. 🤷🏻‍♀️

 

@anamikanon nails the descriptions best on how my husband can also disassociate thoughts, actions and intent (or lack thereof) as it pertains to sex.  He says what he thinks, what he’s supposed to think or what sounds best in the moment without ever seriously considering doing any of what he may reference.

 

And yes, if a man referenced sex with another man, I’d think he was into sex with other men, not merely gay-friendly FWIW.

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Serran
1 minute ago, ryn2 said:

This is much more in line with my experience, and I’m old and not really part of a gamer crowd.

*shrug* Dont know what causes it then. But, I would never in a million years think a joke or innuendo was a serious desire. Anyone who thinks that would assume me and my wife (who are both very mono) have a very, very open relationship. :lol: I mean she even does hand holding, pecks and snuggles for dramatic effect to play the jokes (which if it was done seriously would bug me, but it isn't so it doesn't). 

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ryn2
7 minutes ago, Traveler40 said:

He says what he thinks, what he’s supposed to think or what sounds best in the moment without ever seriously considering doing any of what he may reference.

Exactly!  I may even have given consideration to doing something from a mechanics/logistics perspective, in order to be able to talk about it correctly, but not in the sense of wanting to do it myself.

 

9 minutes ago, Traveler40 said:

And yes, if a man referenced sex with another man, I’d think he was into sex with other men, not merely gay-friendly FWIW.

This is so interesting!  Huh.  I’m looking at jokes - all jokes - in an entirely new way, which is pretty unexpected for an oldie like me who has always been known for their sense of humor.

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Serran
2 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

 

 

This is so interesting!  Huh.  I’m looking at jokes - all jokes - in an entirely new way, which is pretty unexpected for an oldie like me who has always been known for their sense of humor.

I'm not gonna stress about it. My social circle is joke friendly and if other people take them seriously, oh well. Assume we are all having gay orgies. *shrug* If yours is similar I wouldn't start worrying about if every joke is serious. 

 

I guess it can be important to know if your partner is joke friendly or not, to avoid hurt feelings. Though, I dont know if I could date a person who took "pics or not true", or "dont make promises if you arent gonna keep them" etc as serious requests for sexual stuff. I dont really want pics and I do not want you to do that! 

 

I do know me and my partner take the joking to extremes most would not be OK with. Even during sexual activities we jokingly allude to things we both know aren't interesting, to the point of nearly doing, but we both know the line and that the other isn't into that anyway so its just all in fun. So, I wouldn't go as far with someone who wanted things I wasn't willing to offer. Because it would be teasing something they want. 

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anisotrophic

As an addition, when I hear jokes about homosexual sex made by people that are also clear about NOT being gay/bi/pan, it has a homophobic vibe to me -- that homosexuality is a target of disrespect and mocking.

 

(Surely you can imagine situations where this is the case, even if you're confident the ones you experienced were friendly...)

 

To connect this back in the thread: the parallel is that joking about sexuality has the potential subtext of "I like sex" or "I mock sexuality", both of which are potentially upsetting to a partner that's being sexually rejected.

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ryn2
21 minutes ago, Serran said:

If yours is similar I wouldn't start worrying about if every joke is serious. 

Yeah, I’m not so much worrying about it as running back through some arguments/odd-seeming statements from people to see if I’m maybe inserting a layer of indirection into humor that isn’t there for some.

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