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anisotrophic

Shame about seeking & receiving sex

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anisotrophic

Random update...

I think it's been nearly three weeks since I last managed it. We tried abortive efforts at sexual intimacy, but I'm happy to just cuddle. The attempts seem to be upsetting to me, but maybe just because I'm worrying too much about it.

Not sure if my sexual attraction has been going away, or I have some repulsion over it, or if my libido is in a lull. I'm happiest when I don't worry about which it is, though!

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anamikanon
On 3/16/2019 at 2:51 AM, anisotrophic said:

Not sure if my sexual attraction has been going away, or I have some repulsion over it, or if my libido is in a lull. I'm happiest when I don't worry about which it is, though!

I have stopped feeling attracted to my ace. My mind has finally registered that sex isn't his thing and so I don't seem to want it with him.

 

In a completely bizarre development, my ace has masturbated me to sleep a couple of times in the last week or two. And damned if it didn't work. I'd been having some body pain and was unable to sleep at nights. He figured the easiest way to help me along was....

 

And the feeling for both him and me was not "sex". For me, it was more like masturbation - for relaxation rather than arousal or even connection. For him it was more like giving me a back massage. No attraction, just comfort, caring kind of thing. I didn't even know such things were possible. I warned him at the start that I wasn't horny in the least. He told me to not fuss the details and to only stop him if it was unpleasant or I didn't want it. Worked like a charm. I have no idea when I fell asleep.

 

All through, I didn't feel the least bit of sexual attraction for him, even as I appreciated the pleasure. Was really more like a massage.

 

It seems that the "sex" has died in our relationship, but physical closeness is still pleasurable. We still remain physically comfortable around each other.

 

And now I am a polyamorous single woman with exactly zero sexual partners and zero intention to find another, in a platonic relationship with an ace where he masturbates me... the rabbithole goes on...

 

Who knows what tomorrow brings.

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anisotrophic

I think... it would be a stretch to call that platonic? (it certainly sounds muted)

 

I'm not prepared to declare what's going on with me, but best to not worry too much about it. I feel like I need a break (we surely both do), life has been a bit stressful, especially with the new kid, and might be that way for a while yet.

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anamikanon

Yeah. Not platonic. But not really sexual either. Was just being funny.

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Skullery Maid
On 3/16/2019 at 3:24 PM, anamikanon said:

It seems that the "sex" has died in our relationship, but physical closeness is still pleasurable. We still remain physically comfortable around each other.

 

And now I am a polyamorous single woman with exactly zero sexual partners and zero intention to find another, in a platonic relationship with an ace where he masturbates me... the rabbithole goes on...

 

Who knows what tomorrow brings.

Man, mixed relationships are a trip. Most of what you wrote, I could have written. I have no desire for someone who doesn't desire me. 

 

Anyone who knows me or has been around long enough to remember me knows that I'm really crazy about consent. For me, consent means a lot more than just allowing it to happen or agreeing. I need enthusiastic consent, like, "I would want to do this independently of how much you want it", and once that's gone, that's it. But we're still physically affectionate, much more so than when sex was an issue between us. 

 

She still doesn't get it though, not really. We just watched a movie where the guy said he and his wife hadn't had sex in a long time, and at first he found it kind of fun to pursue her, but now he feels like a pervert. I was really happy to hear that because I've been saying that for almost ten years now, and she's always like "that's your issue, I'm not making you feel that way." Once I said something like "maybe I should reject you constantly for half a decade and see how you feel" to which she replied "lol as if you could do that." I lost my shit and shouted about how, yes, exactly, she has absolutely no idea what it feels like to not be wanted. None. She's only ever known relationships where she was wanted. 

 

To stop the desire, I just beat myself into a puddle of mush. I feel like the most disgusting, unattractive, sexually untalented schmo on earth. I've never killed my desire for sexual affection but I did kill any desire to go get it because I feel like such a giant trash fire. 

 

And now I'm openly in a relationship with CBC, who I want to have a long term relationship with, and trying to switch back and forth between "sex is beautiful and amazing and loving and creates a connection that nothing else can" and "omg I'm so gross and awful I'm a literal monster if I even consider someone sexually"... well that's been fun.

 

So yeah, we'll see what tomorrow brings. 😂

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anisotrophic

@Skullery Maid thanks.... I could tell from others stories that this was likely and... he's really kind, but after a year, my comfort with asking him, sexual activity with him, has faltered. It started faltering around the time I gave birth, maybe a bit before, maybe because I couldn't physically have sex the same way ... maybe it was coincidence.

 

Maybe after so long together, it took me a year to adjust, disentangle my romantic feelings from sexual? Maybe it took this long to really sink in. Or maybe I needed my unrequitable feelings for another to subside some. Maybe it's just the stress of pure chaos with the additional kid.

 

I don't think he'd ever laugh at me, he's sorry I'm not desired. I feel okay that I don't get to experience that. He took me shopping for men's clothes this week to cheer me up.

 

I reached out to a clinic today inquiring about hormone therapy. I waited a bit because I'll have to quit breastfeeding. I wonder if I'd return to desiring him, with testosterone. Interesting question... It's okay either way I think.

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Telecaster68
19 hours ago, Skullery Maid said:

And now I'm openly in a relationship with CBC, who I want to have a long term relationship with, and trying to switch back and forth between "sex is beautiful and amazing and loving and creates a connection that nothing else can" and "omg I'm so gross and awful I'm a literal monster if I even consider someone sexually"... well that's been fun.

Now I'm out of my marriage and have had a couple of ... interludes, I'm realising just how much of a mind flip I'd been doing to keep some kind of sanity with my effectively asexual wife. I really have to focus and concentrate to take in the concept that 'yes this person actively, very very much wants to do me, and me to do them and doesn't understand my hesitancy'. And this is something that for most people is about the most instinctive natural thing for a couple to do.

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Skullery Maid

@Telecaster68 So it doesn't switch right off? Well that's a bummer. I guess though... I've been thinking about it a lot, that I'm older, I weigh more, I don't even know this body anymore in a sexual sense. I hoped it be like riding a bike. 😂

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CBC

I understand the mindfuck as well even though a long-term relationship with a guy may not be my deal anyway. Back when I was still trying to have sex with my husband, it was very uncomfortable to be in that situation with someone who clearly had no innate idea what to do. It made me feel creepy and annoying and ashamed and I asked him more than once if he thought it made me "slutty" (for the record he said no, but that doesn't change the fact that I felt sort of that way). To make it worse, I had almost no ability to voice anything I felt or wanted, because if I did, I would've felt even worse shame. I have a terrible time asking anyone in my life ever for anything due to dreadful self-worth, so when it comes to something as vulnerable as sex... lol, yeah right. It's really difficult to feel at ease with someone who has no natural understanding of the basic script for sexual interaction, and even if they're willing, it still feels like forcing something if you know they'd rather not, or even if they're just indifferent. ("Hey let's have sex!" "Oh ok, I guess." Not that it went exactly like that haha, but close enough.) I had no idea until a conversation several months ago how much my husband had to psych himself up for sex, like the whole day (apparently we talk about sex more when we're not having it and not even in a relationship anymore). But yeah, it's very very different to be actually desired rather than... interacted with in a theoretically sexual manner that has nothing instinctive behind it. I have trouble understanding why anyone would really see me that way or not think poorly of me for wanting anything.

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Telecaster68
14 minutes ago, Skullery Maid said:

@Telecaster68 So it doesn't switch right off? Well that's a bummer. I guess though... I've been thinking about it a lot, that I'm older, I weigh more, I don't even know this body anymore in a sexual sense. I hoped it be like riding a bike. 😂

Nope. It's more fun trying to switch it back on than trying to switch off was though.

 

ETA: Also, Ceebs knows your deal, which will help. Try explaining your tentativeness to a partner who first has to get their head round the whole 'no my partner wasn't gay/having an affair/hated me, they were asexual', before you can get to why you seem a bit weirded out by being desired....

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Skullery Maid
Just now, Telecaster68 said:

Nope. It's more fun trying to switch it back on than trying to switch off was though.

Hahahaha I'm looking forward to it VERY MUCH. 

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anisotrophic

I can't really figure it out anymore... I mean, trying to remember what it was like, from 20 years ago. I think there were moments.

I was not, generally speaking, attractive. I'm not sure if I'm describing a physical thing, maybe there's a personality that gets friendzoned. I pursued at times, rather than resign myself to it. But I suspect men usually said "yes" because socialization had not taught them to say "no".

I think I'd really rather not hope that anyone will be attracted to me, not for a while. The yearning only stings, it's not helpful.

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ryn2
4 hours ago, anisotrophic said:

 

I can't really figure it out anymore... I mean, trying to remember what it was like, from 20 years ago.

 

*nods*

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anamikanon
On 3/18/2019 at 5:12 AM, Skullery Maid said:

Once I said something like "maybe I should reject you constantly for half a decade and see how you feel" to which she replied "lol as if you could do that." I lost my shit and shouted about how, yes, exactly, she has absolutely no idea what it feels like to not be wanted. None. She's only ever known relationships where she was wanted. 

I think this is the biggest problem. There simply is no equivalent for sex that could be refused to even give a sense of perspective.

 

My ace and I have a very stimulating relationship now that is more a mix of coparenting, intellectual companionship and etc. The sexual side is gone. The emotional side is massively blunted.

 

It is a very functional relationship, but for me, I am very aware that this is the residue of what I felt - a kind of partial moving on. For him, he isn't comfortable with the idea of me moving on in the least, but for practical purposes experiences no problem or even gets why what we have now is not my ideal of a relationship - for him, it works brilliantly.

 

Given that I'm not as interested, this doesn't bother me in the least anymore. Used to bother me a lot more when I expected a sexual and emotional aspect to the relationship. Now? Shrug. If he thinks we are doing great, excellent. I do genuinely like him and enjoy his company. This is good. There is mutual respect, there is caring. There is trust and comfort. There isn't intimacy, which is a good thing given neither of us find the other attractive.

 

Not interested in talking about what is missing. At least not with him.

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ryn2
On 3/17/2019 at 7:42 PM, Skullery Maid said:

she has absolutely no idea what it feels like to not be wanted. None. She's only ever known relationships where she was wanted. 

To piggyback onto the first bit of what anamikanon wrote... she likely wouldn’t have any idea anyway because she doesn’t get (or need) the same thing out of being wanted to begin with.

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Skullery Maid
10 minutes ago, anamikanon said:

Not interested in talking about what is missing. At least not with him.

I hate talking about it. Avoid it like the plague. There's no point and it ultimately makes us both feel alone. 

 

My partner doesn't actually think she's asexual... she's met some people and has a mutual crush on a poly friend. She says that she could fuck someone else with no problem. We have an open relationship that she's mentioned about 4 times in the last 2 weeks, so I'm pretty sure something is going on. I just really, really don't care. 

 

There was a sexual member here ages ago who was also a licensed psychologist. She had a several year long asexual relationship that ended. She always said that the thing with sacrifice is that sexuals don't actually need to do it... We're surrounded by people who can match our emotional and physical needs and make us feel whole. Sacrificing in a situation where supply is bountiful... it's not necessarily healthy and it does wear a person down. 

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anamikanon
22 hours ago, Skullery Maid said:

@Telecaster68 So it doesn't switch right off? Well that's a bummer. I guess though... I've been thinking about it a lot, that I'm older, I weigh more, I don't even know this body anymore in a sexual sense. I hoped it be like riding a bike. 😂

Hahaha. I've wondered about this too. I've never been hesitant about sex, but these days I wonder if I'll remember what to do when I actually am with someone who desires me.

 

Though so far, I certainly am not hesitating to want it, including getting obsessed when I inadvertently aroused someone I wasn't in the least attracted to, because I didn't think my actions were sexual (they certainly have done nothing to my ace for several years....) And for weeks, all I could think of was the ease with which I aroused someone. Even if it was someone I didn't want. lol

 

22 hours ago, CBC said:

(apparently we talk about sex more when we're not having it and not even in a relationship anymore).

This happens in our home too. My ace is a champion when it comes to intellectual and philosophical conversations about sex, and I am well... fascinated about sex anyway. Not just doing, but the human and psychological side of it.... we still talk about sex almost daily or at least several times a week, which when put in the context of us not having sex with each other seems.... absurd.

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Skullery Maid
3 minutes ago, anamikanon said:

My ace is a champion when it comes to intellectual and philosophical conversations about sex, and I am well... fascinated about sex anyway. Not just doing, but the human and psychological side of it.... we still talk about sex almost daily or at least several times a week, which when put in the context of us not having sex with each other seems.... absurd.

Hahaha SAME. My partner used to do sex work, she's very open and very interested in it, so we talk about it a lot. The way she talks you'd think we have an active sex life, and that bugs me but it's whatever. 

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ryn2
5 minutes ago, Skullery Maid said:

Sacrificing in a situation where supply is bountiful... it's not necessarily healthy and it does wear a person down. 

*nods*

 

There are doubtless situations where - for other reasons, like kids or housing or finances pr whatever - sacrificing makes overall sense... but probably many more where it does not.

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anamikanon
2 minutes ago, Skullery Maid said:

My partner doesn't actually think she's asexual... she's met some people and has a mutual crush on a poly friend. She says that she could fuck someone else with no problem. We have an open relationship that she's mentioned about 4 times in the last 2 weeks, so I'm pretty sure something is going on.

This is interesting. I have at times wondered - well, I guess every sexual meeting asexuality has probably wondered whether it is something about the current relationship that is a-sexual. Though of course my ace turned out to be an actual ace... but I have in the past felt sexually "dead" about an abusive partner. Zero interest in sex. I guess if she has "moved on", she may have lost interest in sex with you.

 

That said, serial monogamy isn't polyamory. If she's moved on from you to someone else, it is just plain old moving on.

 

2 minutes ago, Skullery Maid said:

There was a sexual member here ages ago who was also a licensed psychologist. She had a several year long asexual relationship that ended. She always said that the thing with sacrifice is that sexuals don't actually need to do it... We're surrounded by people who can match our emotional and physical needs and make us feel whole. Sacrificing in a situation where supply is bountiful... it's not necessarily healthy and it does wear a person down. 

Truly. That is the suckiest part. For a long time, I used to feel like I was "stuck" in this relationship that I couldn't dump and now if I had another partner, it would be very complicated to make him a primary and without that, I'd still be reduced to planning time into my schedule for him - not very likely. I live in my head - preferrably alone. So it seemed like a cheating situation.

 

Funnily, the situation hasn't changed. I'm not likely to dump my ace. But now that I'm not attracted to him, it doesn't feel a whole lot different from dating someone else with my mom at home, say.

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ryn2
6 minutes ago, anamikanon said:

This is interesting. I have at times wondered - well, I guess every sexual meeting asexuality has probably wondered whether it is something about the current relationship that is a-sexual. Though of course my ace turned out to be an actual ace... but I have in the past felt sexually "dead" about an abusive partner. Zero interest in sex.

This one - how to distinguish the two - befuddles me as well, especially when I take into consideration people like serran who discovered they really were sexual but who (outside of the current relationship) seem free of many of the defining characteristics lots of sexual people here associate with sexuality.

 

It’s so hard to tease apart behavior, a general understanding of “want,” and the small-but-crucial details behind it.

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Telecaster68
10 minutes ago, Skullery Maid said:

The way she talks you'd think we have an active sex life, and that bugs me but it's whatever. 

There was a particular (drunk and stoned, obvs) game of Cards Vs Humanity in which my wife was coming up with stuff that really pissed me off....

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Skullery Maid

@anamikanon I do wonder how much of my speculation about what she's up to is projection. I had to, in great detail, explain to her that her crush does in fact like her back. She's got that asexual thing where she doesn't even notice other people's intentions.

 

We went into it with a bigger mismatch that she'd ever admit. I'm almost a decade older... I was 31 and she, 23, when we got together. I knew myself. She said she had mostly been involved in heavy bdsm but hated it... I'm excruciatingly vanilla. I've spent a decade assuming that's the secret big issue. She disagrees but I can't shake the feeling, so ya know, it may just be my brain. 

 

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Skullery Maid
2 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

There was a particular (drunk and stoned, obvs) game of Cards Vs Humanity in which my wife was coming up with stuff that really pissed me off....

Lol what were some of the cards?? 

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Telecaster68
13 minutes ago, Skullery Maid said:

Lol what were some of the cards?? 

I can't remember exact wording but there was one which strongly implied she was up for multiple partners, rather than, you know, no partner, and it was a card where she brought sex into it rather than the card already being explicit filth.

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Skullery Maid
11 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

I can't remember exact wording but there was one which strongly implied she was up for multiple partners, rather than, you know, no partner, and it was a card where she brought sex into it rather than the card already being explicit filth.

Oh yeah i know that stuff very well. It's infuriating. 

 

We were watching 40 Days 40 Nights and she said "wow, I don't think even I could go that long" and I glared, hard. In my head. Outwardly I was like lol no kidding hahaha. 

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anamikanon
13 minutes ago, Telecaster68 said:

I can't remember exact wording but there was one which strongly implied she was up for multiple partners, rather than, you know, no partner, and it was a card where she brought sex into it rather than the card already being explicit filth.

Ah yes, mine does this too. Not so much on the sexually explicit, but implying that he's very sexually experimental/open kind of thing, when.... sigh.

 

I even talked to him about it and he's like well, conceptually, what he said seemed right to him. And since it is all concepts to him, he can sound like he has no issues with things that would make me balk. He has no concept of sexual talk with him in context. He could probably discuss BDSM etc without seemingly having no limits whatsoever. Nothing taboo, no holds barred. It is all... philosophical in that sense, while we'd probably talk from a context of what we are and aren't okay with.

 

This is actually how our relationship got into the sexual zone pretty fast. I had no freaking idea that all the sexually accepting and curious world view was about the idea of sex rather than the activity of sex in which he was a participant. lol

 

I'd be furious, except with time it is quite obvious that he does indeed have a fairly open attitude to sex, even though he isn't interested in the act. On his part, he is honestly conversing, just as an idea and not from a perspective of personal preference. And I am like FACEPALM

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anamikanon
3 minutes ago, anamikanon said:

Not so much on the sexually explicit, but implying that he's very sexually experimental/open kind of thing, when.... sigh.

He has zero imagination/preference with himself in frame, so his view is more likely to be about the nature of specific actions or seeing how something could fulfill some need or some psychological connection etc rather than actual details of the actions, which are foggy, since he isn't in the picture at all and has no idea what he'd do or whether he'd like it.

 

Like he could probably discuss "How far should dangerous BDSM play go" and bring up ethical lines, risks, trust, safety and what not, as long as you don't ask him what he'd like to do. 😂😂😂

 

You'd sound chicken if you hesitated to endorse something you didn't feel comfortable with. He's not talking of his comfort with anything at all, merely all possible actions, their implications... and dwarfing your forwardness with everything possible about sex.

 

It is BIZARRE.

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Telecaster68

I guess asexuals in these kinds of conversations start from not wanting to do any of it at all, so it's all abstract.

 

Kind of a bit like conversations I have with a friend about what we'd do if we were in the Resistance during WW2 and were caught by the Nazis. Would we give up our compatriots' names under torture or not? Fun and interesting conversation, but not coming from any thought we might actually have to do it.

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Traveler40

For years I used to get excited by my husband’s threats/broken promises:

 

”If you keep doing that I will pin you down and have my way with you”  (It literally took me  forever to realize he never meant it.)  

 

That and “Stop that or I’ll have my way with you until your eyes roll.” If I had a dollar for every time he threatened (promised?) sex....

 

The spectrum went from hope, to thrill, confusion, uncertainty, disillusionment, anger, bitterness, acceptance, and eventually landed at “find a lover”.

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