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Shame about seeking & receiving sex


anisotrophic

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12 hours ago, anisotrophic said:

Also, @anamikanon were you implying your partner "talks like he's OK with BDSM but isn't"? More misleads? That sucks. But maybe you just meant that he's passive.
 

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My partner talked like he was OK with things because he was OK with those things, he just wasn't interested in them. I can see this rapidly becoming obvious if expecting someone to behave dominantly. Maybe that's the distinction.

Because in the context where I was taking the lead, it's entirely possible to do the things. But I experienced the difference between "passive" and "submissive". It was nice of him to play along with things! I appreciate that. But he didn't *want* it. Eventually I feel silly about it, no matter how good-natured he is. I guess I'm embarrassed, but not hurt.


... so, in this context, with my partner being very understanding, I guess it makes sense that I feel pretty content. I'm not suffering from the added issues of misleading/insensitive behavior. We love each other and want each other to be happy. I feel like... no rush on the sex thing. I'm not comfortable with him now & his lack of desire... but that's okay, it doesn't feel integral now. I had a lot of emotional response before which is pretty normal to have, and I think I had to work through all that and be comforted. (and he was really patient with all that! still is, it doesn't disappear, just subsides)

No no. BDSM was just an example. I'm not into BDSM either. But it was say a .... controversial example that is possible with him. Where many sexual people may balk at some aspects, he's likely to be fine discussing anything and everything. He isn't interested in doing any of it and he doesn't say he wants to do any of it.

 

Thing is, he doesn't say he doesn't want to do it either - he has no mental image of HIM in a sexual scenario for what he wants or doesn't want to be an angle he considers. But if you don't know that someone is asexual, and you've extensively discussed various sexual acts with him and he's been very involved in the discussion, it appears like the acts interest him. But in reality, he's asexual, and he's only conversing.

 

Before I knew he was ace, there have been several instances when he's spoken in a way that led me to assume he'd like something or has plans to do something specific later - which of course he doesn't. For example, to a sexual, if their sexual partner asks whether they enjoy a specific sexual act (he read about it somewhere and got curious), why, etc - the implication is that it is a possibility for experimentation in bed, particularly if the reply is positive. It is never going to happen. I could get fed up of waiting and initiate that same thing - which he may or may not agree to completely independent to any conversations we had. It will have come to him out of the blue - the discussion not having any relevance to our sex life. He isn't sex negative, just that intellectual discussion in his world does not necessarily apply to plans for action involving him.

 

Rather like you may discuss some extreme climbing expedition in great detail without ever planning to attempt that peak - without being tempted, without any intention and if offered, it wouldn't be your preference. But the discussion is interesting on its own merit.

 

He isn't misleading intentionally. He has no problems discussing sex. He isn't discussing from a perspective of what HE wants to do. So he can discuss sex readily and without any taboos, which to a sexual can imply an interest in the actions discussed - when for him it is merely an interesting conversation.

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Or, in other words, @anisotrophiche has absolutely no problems whatsoever with BDSM - as long as he isn't in the picture. Put him in the picture and it is a new conversation where he usually has no idea what he wants and will probably be happy to try anything once and see what happens. Or not. Or fall asleep...

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1 hour ago, anamikanon said:

Where many sexual people may balk at some aspects, he's likely to be fine discussing anything and everything. He isn't interested in doing any of it and he doesn't say he wants to do any of it.

 

Thing is, he doesn't say he doesn't want to do it either - he has no mental image of HIM in a sexual scenario for what he wants or doesn't want to be an angle he considers. But if you don't know that someone is asexual, and you've extensively discussed various sexual acts with him and he's been very involved in the discussion, it appears like the acts interest him. But in reality, he's asexual, and he's only conversing.

Yes, this is a significant difference I only recognized very recently.

 

The acts likely *do* interest him. The interest is just more scientific and less personal.

 

I love knowing all about things.

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1 hour ago, anamikanon said:

Rather like you may discuss some extreme climbing expedition in great detail without ever planning to attempt that peak - without being tempted, without any intention and if offered, it wouldn't be your preference. But the discussion is interesting on its own merit.

Exactly like this!  And until you/someone brought it up recently, I would never have thought (of) this...

 

1 hour ago, anamikanon said:

to a sexual, if their sexual partner asks whether they enjoy a specific sexual act (he read about it somewhere and got curious), why, etc - the implication is that it is a possibility for experimentation in bed, particularly if the reply is positive.

 

...or this...

 

1 hour ago, anamikanon said:

assume he'd like something or has plans to do something specific later

 

...unless the speaker had expressly said they wanted to try the thing.

 

If my partner followed on with a question about whether *I* wanted to do it - especially in the near term, not in some imaginary, theoretical future -my reaction (in light of the above) would probably have been quite jarring.

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Guest Jetsun Milarepa
On 3/19/2019 at 7:03 PM, Telecaster68 said:

There was a particular (drunk and stoned, obvs) game of Cards Vs Humanity in which my wife was coming up with stuff that really pissed me off....

 

On 3/19/2019 at 7:15 PM, Telecaster68 said:

I can't remember exact wording but there was one which strongly implied she was up for multiple partners, rather than, you know, no partner, and it was a card where she brought sex into it rather than the card already being explicit filth.

This implies that the poster was never married to an ace at all and is posting here knowing this to be the case, which IMHO disqualifies him from this site.

Last year many posts were made concering this wife being ace. 

The above quotes prove this to be otherwise.

 

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Guest Jetsun Milarepa

In other words...if your wife would prefer to sleep with others in preference to yourself that doesn't make her ace. 

Probably just choosy.😊🍰

 

 

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user23974865

I mean another thread.

 

Anyway, never mind. Go on, I guess. I just wanted to make it clear that I don't exactly think it's a good idea to go around saying stuff like that.

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1 hour ago, chandrakirti said:

The above quotes prove this to be otherwise.

He was talking about a card game. Nothing in that proves his wife isn't ace. But what if he thought she was and it turns out he was mistaken? There is nothing that requires everyone on AVEN to be ace or to be connected to an ace. All that is required is to be above a certain age and to obey the Terms of Service.

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Guest Jetsun Milarepa

@CBC...why are you so upset? 

 

I have no vendetta against anyone here. 

I just take exception to being attacked continuously as any sensible human being would.

I've no idea how I'm attacking someone who can't defend themselves. An adult with full mental capacity has to be responsible for themselves and I am fully responsible for my actions. I expect others here to also be responsible for theirs.

Sheesh, I haven't even been looking in aven all week, too busy most of the time, so .....

 

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user23974865
7 minutes ago, chandrakirti said:

I have no vendetta against anyone here. 

Your actions tell a different story.

 

7 minutes ago, chandrakirti said:

I've no idea how I'm attacking someone who can't defend themselves.

This seems to imply that you realize you are personally attacking someone. That's, let's say, not very nice.

 

21 minutes ago, chandrakirti said:

For someone who's been so nice to so many aces on here...sorry!!!

It's not supposed to be a "team ace versus team not-ace" thing. Or at least I hope it isn't, or else I would have to leave the site, because I'm both and I'm neither. And I really don't like to be in the middle of shit-flinging fights anyway, and I assume most everyone else doesn't either.

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Please, can we stay on the topic of the thread rather than discussing members.

 

Iff,

Moderator, sexual partners, friends & allies

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anisotrophic

Wow, that was a disappointing set of updates to catch up on.

 

In other news, I'm attempting to read a fiction book, and the sex scenes (for want of a more eloquent term) are annoying. Annoying reminder of the issue, annoying to see assumptions of universal sexuality. But I'm 80% in now, I feel like I have to finish. Grumble.

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While I’m sorry some find them upsetting, I personally appreciate the varied opinions from posters with different perspectives.  It would not have occurred to me without others’ feedback that something seemingly (to me) innocuous like playing along with a card game (the purpose of which is largely to entertain by one-upping and shocking) could read as actual intent (and thus be hurtful).

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user23974865

I've learned to not underestimate how much other people will misinterpret my behavior. Proof abounds that I still underestimate it anyway... It's like I'm a mirror for what people want to see in me (for better or worse). My motivations are just not aligned with those of a regular human.

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1 hour ago, ryn2 said:

While I’m sorry some find them upsetting, I personally appreciate the varied opinions from posters with different perspectives.  It would not have occurred to me without others’ feedback that something seemingly (to me) innocuous like playing along with a card game (the purpose of which is largely to entertain by one-upping and shocking) could read as actual intent (and thus be hurtful).

Yeah CaH is... less than PG and I would personally take none of it seriously. Trying to make it fit the judge's interests is the whole point of the game. 

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30 minutes ago, Serran said:

Yeah CaH is... less than PG and I would personally take none of it seriously. Trying to make it fit the judge's interests is the whole point of the game. 

That’s been my thought but it’s interesting to hear that some do take it seriously, or at least find their partners’ responses upsetting.

 

I wouldn’t say some of the things others reported hearing from their partners, but some of that’s just because I’m not a guy.  I’ve definitely fired back joking (to me) remarks like “don’t stick it out if you’re not going to use it” when someone sticks out their tongue at me, and probably reacted to (what I thought were just general interest) discussions in hurtful ways.

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user23974865
6 minutes ago, ryn2 said:

I’ve definitely fired back joking (to me) remarks like “don’t stick it out if you’re not going to use it” when someone sticks out their tongue at me

In your own case, where do you feel that that comes from?

 

I'm just as puzzled as others here as to why someone would act/react that way when they would never really mean what they're jokingly implying. Though I'm not sure if the reasons why it puzzles me are the same. It might just be because of my autistic-like traits. Either way, sex talk of any kind IRL makes me very uncomfortable, and my reaction is always to change the subject as fast as possible.

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Being in a relationship with a ace as a sexual sounds horrible. I don´t want to put anyone through that.

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12 hours ago, chandrakirti said:

 

This implies that the poster was never married to an ace at all and is posting here knowing this to be the case, which IMHO disqualifies him from this site.

Last year many posts were made concering this wife being ace. 

The above quotes prove this to be otherwise.

 

Not really. My ace too talks about sex very easily. In conversation you wouldn't realize he's ace at all, unless he out and out said it. Or the dicussion moved to actual preferences rather than general conversation. Even then, he'd probably easily talk about not having a preference and it would take quite some experience of such discussions (and no action) to realize that when he says he has no preference, he's actually saying he's not into sex at all.

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anisotrophic
7 hours ago, ryn2 said:

It would not have occurred to me without others’ feedback that something seemingly (to me) innocuous like playing along with a card game (the purpose of which is largely to entertain by one-upping and shocking) could read as actual intent (and thus be hurtful).

It definitely would not have occurred to be that failing to follow up on joking innuendo would be cited as evidence that the individual is sexual.

 

That is such a bizarre interpretation, I can only conclude that it was a poorly-reasoned hijack of conversation, not intended to further the thread's conversation or seek understanding.

 

Hence, disappointing.

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5 hours ago, burobu said:

In your own case, where do you feel that that comes from?

Other people saying it and getting a laugh.

 

5 hours ago, burobu said:

sex talk of any kind IRL makes me very uncomfortable, and my reaction is always to change the subject as fast as possible.

Sex talk in the sense of “talking dirty” during sex, or in the sense of talking non-theoretically about sex that’s including (or soon going to include) me, makes me very uncomfortable.

 

Sex talk in the sense of talking about sex in general, or even about past sex including me, doesn’t bother me at all.

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40 minutes ago, anisotrophic said:

It definitely would not have occurred to be that failing to follow up on joking innuendo would be cited as evidence that the individual is sexual.

Agreed.  I meant tele’s (and others’) original comment about how angry his wife’s sexual innuendos left him.

 

I read the follow-on comment to state that his wife’s meaning the innuendos - actually wanting to take part in a threesome - was proof she was sexual.

 

What I was trying to say was that I personally found tele’s angry response to his wife’s innendos (and the discussion that immediately followed) helpful because the whole concept that some people playing CAH - or even just talking generally about sex (in a group setting, in the hypothetical, in reference to sex in the media or that others had) - might be revealing or trying to bring up their own wants and preferences is completely new to me.

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anisotrophic

@ryn2 I think it is understood to be revealing/reflective of a person's sexuality, yes. Look at it this way? If someone made gay innuendos as a joke, it would be reasonable to suspect they are signaling they are gay. At least, it seems so to me?

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8 minutes ago, anisotrophic said:

@ryn2 I think it is understood to be revealing/reflective of a person's sexuality, yes. Look at it this way? If someone made gay innuendos as a joke, it would be reasonable to suspect they are signaling they are gay. At least, it seems so to me?

Huh.  To me, someone making (non-judgmental, not mocking) gay innuendos as a joke just reads as them being gay-friendly/not homophobic.  

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anisotrophic
1 minute ago, ryn2 said:

Huh.  To me, someone making (non-judgmental, not mocking) gay innuendos as a joke just reads as them being gay-friendly/not homophobic.  

To be clear, if someone male makes a joke about how he might end up in bed with another guy, yeah I'd think he's signaling he's into sex with men.

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38 minutes ago, anisotrophic said:

To be clear, if someone male makes a joke about how he might end up in bed with another guy, yeah I'd think he's signaling he's into sex with men.

Unless it was in the context of other behavior and information I would just think he was comfortable thinking about men having sex with one another.  Even kind-of-crass stuff like “heck, after a few more shots *I’d* do him” just read as jokes to me.  I wouldn’t take that as an actual interest on the speaker’s part in having sex with the subject of the discussion.

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(I mean, I will wonder about it now that others here have expressed a completely different perspective, but I wouldn’t have prior to this week)

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