Demi no longer interested in sex

[Cosette Belles-Lettres]

My husband and I have been together for over three years, and we've been having sex since we got married last April (though we'd been intimate before that.) At first, after overcoming the discomfort and occasional pain of sex, I began to enjoy this new intimacy with the love of my life. I didn't NEED to have sex, as I have an very low sex drive, but I liked being so close to my husband. My sexual intimacy with him has always been a way of showing my love. But this is what worries me.

 

Since about last October, I've been enjoying sex less. And recently, while not dreading it, I haven't been looking forward to it either. I'd rather just cuddle and kiss and hold each other. I don't even want to be sexually intimate in the way we were before we were married. And yet, I love my husband just as much as I always have. I don't understand what's going on. I have never had sex with or sexual desire for anyone else other than my husband. Can someone tell me if this is normal in a sexual relationship?

[Agentr9154]

6 minutes ago, Cosette Belles-Lettres said:

My husband and I have been together for over three years, and we've been having sex since we got married last April (though we'd been intimate before that.) At first, after overcoming the discomfort and occasional pain of sex, I began to enjoy this new intimacy with the love of my life. I didn't NEED to have sex, as I have an very low sex drive, but I liked being so close to my husband. My sexual intimacy with him has always been a way of showing my love. But this is what worries me.

 

Since about last October, I've been enjoying sex less. And recently, while not dreading it, I haven't been looking forward to it either. I'd rather just cuddle and kiss and hold each other. I don't even want to be sexually intimate in the way we were before we were married. And yet, I love my husband just as much as I always have. I don't understand what's going on. I have never had sex with or sexual desire for anyone else other than my husband. Can someone tell me if this is normal in a sexual relationship?

Your probably growing to be asexual.

[AmyTSUK]

From what I have read, there is a very fine line between Asexuals and Demi-Sexuals.

In my youth I was a definite Demi-Sexual.

I've found over the past several years even when I have gotten extremely close to someone emotionally that desire to be intimate in a sexual way just didn't develop any more, if anything it pushed me away from them, but, the desire, maybe could even call it a craving to find someone to be intimate with just not in a sexual way has become far stronger.

 

But out of curiosity, has there been anything over the past few months that has maybe changed? even if it something you may of dismissed at the time but near the time your feelings started to change? Could be something positive or negative

[Cosette Belles-Lettres]

10 hours ago, AmyTSUK said:

But out of curiosity, has there been anything over the past few months that has maybe changed? even if it something you may of dismissed at the time but near the time your feelings started to change? Could be something positive or negative

We have tried new kinks since late last year, but I don't have a problem with that. We've been kinky for most of our relationship. But we don't do kinky stuff all the time, only every now and again, so I don't think that would affect how I feel about our vanilla (non-kink) sex.

[roland.o]

A drop in sexual desire after two or three years is not uncommon, afaik. Isn't the third year of marriage the one when most divorces happen?

 

On 2/16/2019 at 1:28 AM, Cosette Belles-Lettres said:

And yet, I love my husband just as much as I always have.

Is there anything else going on that might have affected the communication between the two of you? Do you feel less loved by your husband? Some other kind of distance or estrangement that has slowly built up over time? Stress at work, time-consuming hobbies, whatever?

 

Both of you could try to resort to the other "love languages" to strengthen the bond again. Your desire might come back after re-ascertaining the relationship.

[Tasha the demi squirrel]

I'm not very experienced but it  sounds like it could possibly be a case of frequency making things less enjoyable......when starting out it was new and exciting but now it's a regular occurance it's starting to become less exciting

 

In any case communicating honestly and openly with your husband is probably the most helpful advice I can think of best of luck

[Cosette Belles-Lettres]

11 hours ago, roland.o said:

A drop in sexual desire after two or three years is not uncommon, afaik. Isn't the third year of marriage the one when most divorces happen?

 

Is there anything else going on that might have affected the communication between the two of you? Do you feel less loved by your husband? Some other kind of distance or estrangement that has slowly built up over time? Stress at work, time-consuming hobbies, whatever?

Well, that does make me feel better. Being demi, I often struggle with determining whether something is "normal" by allosexual standards. I still feel loved, there's no worry there. ^.^ We're just as close as we've always been.

10 hours ago, Tasha the demi squirrel said:

I'm not very experienced but it  sounds like it could possibly be a case of frequency making things less enjoyable......when starting out it was new and exciting but now it's a regular occurance it's starting to become less exciting

I had thought about this. It might be the case, but I am not sure. 

[CocaSauce]

Now I'm not too educated on the gray sexualities but I have heard of the term "lithosexual" a few times. It applies, to my knowledge, to those who feel sexual attraction but, once reciprocated, the feeling dies out. I've also heard the term "fraysexual" whose sexual attraction dies out after getting to know/bond with the person more.

 

I'm not suggesting that either of these terms apply to you, just that there are already acknowledged sexualities in which sexual attraction exists but fades with time. And, so, it wouldn't be too unbelievable that there would be a kind of demisexuality whose sexual attraction is temporary as well but has yet to be acknowledged by the community. Getting to your question then I'd say, in a sense, a fade in sexual attraction is normal.

 

Then again, ever since the discovering the term "asexual" and that I'm it, it's like, with time, I've become even "more asexual". As in, I don't have any "fantasies" any more, I'm more repulsed, and my enjoyment for masturbation has also gone severely down. If asked around before and it's something other asexuals sometimes go through, I think it may have to do with "embracing" who you are.

 

And there's also a possibility of being aceflux or wtv, meaning, maybe you were definitely demi before but now, or later on as your transitioning, your asexuality will mean "no sexual attraction" and, maybe, it'll change once again to who knows what.

[Tasha the demi squirrel]

19 hours ago, Cosette Belles-Lettres said:

Being demi, I often struggle with determining whether something is "normal" by allosexual standards. 

Same though even things considered "normal" can be difficult to understand lol

 

20 hours ago, Cosette Belles-Lettres said:

I had thought about this. It might be the case, but I am not sure. 

Have you tried explaining this to your husband?

[Cosette Belles-Lettres]

On 2/18/2019 at 12:43 AM, CocaSauce said:

Now I'm not too educated on the gray sexualities but I have heard of the term "lithosexual" a few times. It applies, to my knowledge, to those who feel sexual attraction but, once reciprocated, the feeling dies out. I've also heard the term "fraysexual" whose sexual attraction dies out after getting to know/bond with the person more.

 

I'm not suggesting that either of these terms apply to you, just that there are already acknowledged sexualities in which sexual attraction exists but fades with time. And, so, it wouldn't be too unbelievable that there would be a kind of demisexuality whose sexual attraction is temporary as well but has yet to be acknowledged by the community. Getting to your question then I'd say, in a sense, a fade in sexual attraction is normal.

I had forgotten about those sexualities. I very well could be one of those, idk. But it's good to know they're out there. It makes me feel less wrong, you know?

 

On 2/18/2019 at 6:13 PM, Tasha the demi squirrel said:

Have you tried explaining this to your husband?

I'm worried to. I know it will make him sad, and I'm also afraid he'll feel like he's doing something wrong. He's not, though. He's great at "The Sex™" as we call it.  But I don't want to make him sad, as it already saddens him that I don't get pleasure from sex like he does.