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Am I really asexual?


gaga_sexual

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Well, firstly, I have been in romantic / sexual element relationships with 2 women and 2 men (the men were mostly online, and later on in my life).

 

I feel I am biromantic definitely, but mostly asexual. I have no desire for any sexual interaction with anyone, except...

 

1. I have a strong need for people to find ME sexually & physically attractive. Otherwise I feel ugly.

 

2. Due to this, I tend to "visually flirt", meaning if I'm talking or aware I'm being watched by someone, I'll stand in positions and poses I know look good. This has at times led to unwanted attention. I just want adoration, not action or interaction.

 

3. When I'm actually actively in love with someone (in the earlier stages of a relationship, like the first 5 years or so for me), I still feel no sexual desire (MOSTLY), but I am very physically affectionate and emotionally intimate. I must be THE top priority and if I ever feel abandoned, I freak out and become distressed and angry (hurt).

 

4. After that extended honeymoon period wears off, I gradually start being very uncomfortable with any physical contact and I'm only about 20% emotionally intimate as I was before. I still love my partner dearly, but need a LOT of time alone or I feel irritable and suffocated.

 

5. I feel guilty for my poor partner who is not asexual and never knew I was (because neither did I). Although even in the earlier days, I kind of pretended and made an effort to be more sexually interested, though I never could relax and although it did feel physically good for a brief time, the self consciousness and effort just was maybe at 80% and the enjoyment was at 20%. I just preferred to please myself, by myself, so to speak.

 

6. I never touch myself and I only ever use a small vibrator. I am somewhat repulsed by touching myself, anyone else, or anyone else touching me. 

 

7. I am unable to have actual penetrative sex as it's like a brick wall there. Can't use tampons and would hyperventilate when I used to try. I'm not a virgin due to being with women since I was 18 (two women during that time, the first being my high school best friend, the second my long term partner).

 

8. Also in the early stages of a relationship, I DO feel turned on a bit, but only when there is absolutely NO chance of anything actually happening. My high school girlfriend used to get annoyed that I only flirted or expressed sexual interest when we were out in public. I have in the past felt sexually interested and turned on when talking to my partners online. I was alone, so comfortable and free to fantasise with no reality or expectations really involved. And no self consciousness. I could be quite direct and naughty, but in person...no. No interest. 

 

9. I am extremely affectionate with my cats (NOT in a sexual way! 😂) yet I don't want hugs or snuggles from my long term partner.

 

10. I no longer even really use my vibrator or enjoy any solo fun anymore. It used to be maybe 2-3 times a week, but now maybe once every few weeks and I find it kinda boring. The actual orgasm is nice but only lasts a few seconds. 

 

So...I don't know. Where does the visual flirting and feeling a little sexual interest when in public and "safe" come from? 

 

Am I just crazy?

Edited by gaga_sexual
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Loofah B. Shampoo

I'm sorta the same way. I'm never going to want people to be with me, but I'm flattered when they think I look nice. It's a good feeling, but I never would want anything to come from it.

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Kelthepurplequeen
2 minutes ago, Loofah B. Shampoo said:

I'm sorta the same way. I'm never going to want people to be with me, but I'm flattered when they think I look nice. It's a good feeling, but I never would want anything to come from it.

That’s too bad. I think someone would be lucky to have you.

 

It’d be okay if I did have sex after I’m married, I just don’t feel like it’s a necessity. Especially since I am terrified of pregnancy.

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Wanting to be wanted doesn’t equal wanting to have sex. You can be asexual and still enjoy the feeling of being desired. Our society has taught us (especially women) that being sexually desirable is important. Being beautiful is held as an ideal and often our perceptions of human beauty is sexualized. If you desire sex on rare occasions early in the relationship, you might be greysexual. Only you can really decide which label fits best.

 

Also, I know this is a sensitive subject and all, but... When you say penetration is impossible (like a brick wall), that sounds exactly like descriptions I’ve heard of vaginismus. There is treatment for that, but if you don’t want to have penetrative sex, then I’d suggest looking into treatment only for the purpose of making medical exams or tampon use comfortable.

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Kelthepurplequeen
34 minutes ago, Xenobot said:

Wanting to be wanted doesn’t equal wanting to have sex. You can be asexual and still enjoy the feeling of being desired. Our society has taught us (especially women) that being sexually desirable is important. Being beautiful is held as an ideal and often our perceptions of human beauty is sexualized. If you desire sex on rare occasions early in the relationship, you might be greysexual. Only you can really decide which label fits best.

 

Also, I know this is a sensitive subject and all, but... When you say penetration is impossible (like a brick wall), that sounds exactly like descriptions I’ve heard of vaginismus. There is treatment for that, but if you don’t want to have penetrative sex, then I’d suggest looking into treatment only for the purpose of making medical exams or tampon use comfortable.

Thank goodness for feminism.

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